Feedback on noncon/D/s series

[Altissimus]

Hey,

The second part of my noncon-D/s-lesbian series is doing a lot less well than I'd hoped. I'd really value some critique - don't hold back, we all like a bit of rough.

https://literotica.com/s/a-very-big-mistake-pt-02

Apologies that you will probably have to read part 1 for it to make much sense - and feedback on that is welcome too. Similar themes, less the lesbian aspect.

Thanks,

A

 

[Altissimus]

Third chapter is out on this as of today, so the series is now complete, if anyone is interested in taking a look. Any and all feedback would be welcome.

 

[countdowntolov3]

I'm writing this review on my phone, so I apologize it's going to be a little haphazard...

I read all three parts and enjoyed them very much. 5 stars, I'll be following your work!

You do a wonderful job with the quippy first person narration. It made me feel like the main character was actually telling me a story, and helped me to like her even though she was a passive actor up until the third part. I know this style is really hard to do. It's very easy to be trite, corny, or cliche with the interjections. So I am really impressed. I hope you'll write more in this style.

I couldn't tell you why the second part has a lower score than the first part. In my assessment it is the strongest of the three. If I had to guess at what is preventing some readers from 5-staring it I would guess at these things that stood out as issues to me:

A) There is an egregious, "Too" instead of "Two" in the first few paragraphs. When a gramer error jumps out so quickly like that, sometimes is can be hard to overlook and color the impression of the whole piece. Overall your gramer is excellent though.

B) The setup is a bit confused. The main character's analysis of her situation is presented very logically and matter-of-fact. It's a bit dry in my opinion. I think also her struggle with "this is fucked, but also I find it super hot and kinda want it," could be presented in a more engaging way. As is, she mostly bounces between "I hate it," and "I'm into it." I think the read would be more compelling if she struggled with that transition more. I think you took some stabs at this with the main character stating that she was, humiliated or disgusted with herself. But they felt flat to me because you were often just stating it and then moving on.

I thought the strongest parts of this series were when the main character is answering her dominant's leading questions and talking us through her though process and how she played the game as an experienced sub. I loved that so much. It was fresh and hot. And it really felt true and believable.

Here are a few minor things that I would call out as "didn't work for me." Please understand that these are subjective though. I might be wrong.

A) In part two the main character describes herself while looking in a mirror.

Firm, high breasts; not too big, not too small. Slim waist. Nice tight ass. Quite an attractive little cunnie, if I do say so myself.

I have two problems with this. First, I think if you're going to do the whole description thing you need to devote more lines to it than this. And add something flowery and attractive about it. This feels unsatisfying to people who want a detailed description. A weird middle ground between glossing over the character's looks and really exploring them.

I also really got nocked out of the story by,

Quite an attractive little cunnie

When I'm standing in front of a mirror, my sex is only slightly visible. So it seemed weird to me to be making an assessment of it from that angle. I also think most women have a more complicated relationship with their genitals than is really expressed by "quite attractive."

B) For on more nitpick. I always struggle when women in stories have orgasms from penetration alone. If you look at some surveys you'll see that this is unusual. Most women need some clit stimulation to cum. You could always add some, play with the sensation of, "I would cum so quick if he just touched my clit," or even just acknowledge the, "oh my god am I going to cum from penetration alone?!"

Sorry again for the nonsense pacing and format here. It's a pain to go back and reformat on my phone. Again, I loved your series!

 

[Altissimus]

Thanks for this. Very helpful. Appreciate your comments and the time taken to write.