HOME INVASION FANTASY: Feedback Appreciated

[ap0wers]

Hi there,
I’ve just completed my first full story on here, a 3 part series on a home invasion fantasy.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!
https://literotica.com/s/home-invasion-fantasy-pt-01-02
https://literotica.com/s/home-invasion-fantasy-pt-03-04
https://literotica.com/s/home-invasion-fantasy-pt-05-06

 

[AlinaX]

Ahhh...

Okay. Stop. Breathe...

It's not enough to say what happens. You have to make the reader want it to happen. You have to give them a reason to read about a stalker-narrator. You have to make them see the nurse and yearn to possess her for themselves.

On a more practical note, readers love interaction, which usually means dialogue. It's difficult (but not impossible) to engage without dialogue. You could talk to the reader, perhaps.

Hmm...

 

[lovecraft68]

NC is not my category, even as fantasy. I appreciate your disclaimer that this should only be fantasy.

I did see enough to agree with AlinaX this seems like a huge exposition dump where you're giving the reader the story rather than letting it unfold for them.

Another thing-and this is purely cosmetic-you may want to break your paragraphs up better moving forward, there are some really large blocks of text that are a chore to read even on a PC and I can't imagine what it looks like for the people who read on their phone.

For a positive, I see your scores on all three parts are 4.4+ which is pretty decent for the NC category as it tends to not be one of higher median score categories, so you do seem to be appealing to the target audience there.

 

[ap0wers]

Ahhh...

Okay. Stop. Breathe...

It's not enough to say what happens. You have to make the reader want it to happen. You have to give them a reason to read about a stalker-narrator. You have to make them see the nurse and yearn to possess her for themselves.

On a more practical note, readers love interaction, which usually means dialogue. It's difficult (but not impossible) to engage without dialogue. You could talk to the reader, perhaps.

Hmm...

Thank you for these thoughts, I like the scenario of a gagged victim but this is the challenge that it takes away that interaction. I’ll take that on board that feedback on board.

For your earlier point, could you elaborate? Are you suggesting there needs to be more description of their features? Just trying to understand how I can add these points into future stories.

Thank you again!

 

[AlinaX]

Melanie's closet smells of bergamot and innocence, and the green silk dress that I've been teasing my cock with for the past half hour has a strand of her long blonde hair stuck to it. She's not a natural blonde, the root is dark, but I don't care about that. She has the sweetest smile, and a pair of tits that -

I love searching through a woman's drawers. Away from the hospital and the scrubs she invariably wears, Melanie has jeans and T-shirts and elegant dresses. She has lacy underwear - I particularly like the scarlet red that suggests she has a slutty little cunt despite her cool, professional exterior. Of course I hunted through her laundry basket for proof, and ohh... dirty. Delicious.

 

[ap0wers]

Melanie's closet smells of bergamot and innocence, and the green silk dress that I've been teasing my cock with for the past half hour has a strand of her long blonde hair stuck to it. She's not a natural blonde, the root is dark, but I don't care about that. She has the sweetest smile, and a pair of tits that -

I love searching through a woman's drawers. Away from the hospital and the scrubs she invariably wears, Melanie has jeans and T-shirts and elegant dresses. She has lacy underwear - I particularly like the scarlet red that suggests she has a slutty little cunt despite her cool, professional exterior. Of course I hunted through her laundry basket for proof, and ohh... dirty. Delicious.

Thank you so much for this, I will definitely take this feedback and these ideas on board

 

[RoperTrace]

It wasn't believable for me, totally non-consent victim enjoying being raped by a stranger. Rapist imagining how much his victim is enjoying everything he does to her. Removing her gag and allowing her to interact with him verbally might have improved it, not sure. RT

 

[ap0wers]

It wasn't believable for me, totally non-consent victim enjoying being raped by a stranger. Rapist imagining how much his victim is enjoying everything he does to her. Removing her gag and allowing her to interact with him verbally might have improved it, not sure. RT

Thank you for your feedback

 

[ElectricBlue]

Melanie's closet smells of bergamot and innocence, and the green silk dress that I've been teasing my cock with for the past half hour has a strand of her long blonde hair stuck to it. She's not a natural blonde, the root is dark, but I don't care about that. She has the sweetest smile, and a pair of tits that -

I love searching through a woman's drawers. Away from the hospital and the scrubs she invariably wears, Melanie has jeans and T-shirts and elegant dresses. She has lacy underwear - I particularly like the scarlet red that suggests she has a slutty little cunt despite her cool, professional exterior. Of course I hunted through her laundry basket for proof, and ohh... dirty. Delicious.

I didn't read the story, not being into non-con at all, but I want to meet Melanie. Bergamot and innocence, and scarlet red lacy knickers, yes please!

 

[AlinaX]

I didn't read the story, not being into non-con at all, but I want to meet Melanie. Bergamot and innocence, and scarlet red lacy knickers, yes please!

Almost makes me want to write it... lol

 

[ElectricBlue]

Almost makes me want to write it... lol

You should!

 

[ap0wers]

Almost makes me want to write it... lol

I would be very happy for you to take her character and roll in a different direction, your ideas and your thoughts are inspiring!

 

[AlinaX]

The difficulty I have with this, having actually tried, is just how disturbing it is to be inside his head, and how much more disturbing it is to make it erotic.

I much prefer my non-con from the victim's perspective.