Honest Feedback

[LindyWong]

I published my first story series and I would like honest feedback on what people liked, didn't like, what can be improved, and what they would like to see more of.

https://literotica.com/s/my-fall-from-grace
https://literotica.com/s/my-fall-from-grace-pt-02
https://literotica.com/s/my-fall-from-grace-pt-03

 

[Bramblethorn]

I took a quick look at parts 1 and 3. I'm not the target audience for these but overall I thought it was a decent effort.

Some good use of bookending with Tony - the protag's interactions with him at the start and the end of the story help drive home how she's changed.

There were some minor typos etc. Nothing huge but if you can find an editor/beta reader it wouldn't hurt to give that a bit more polish. For instance, I think this is the reverse of what you meant to write:

"So, you don't sleep with any of the men?"

"It is now allowed."

On character description:

Trent was a typical American with blonde hair and blue eyes. He wasn't sporty but he kept himself in good shape. The closest celebrity that I can think of that he resembles is Ansel Elgort but blonde.

If you asked me what I looked like when I was eighteen, I would have said too fat and big ears. Now, I no longer think of myself that way. I am beautiful with all the best parts of Brenda Song except the fame but who wants that. I am short, I couldn't outrun those genes. Don't mention my height unless you want to make me angry.

Describing characters by celebrity comparisons is something I generally wouldn't recommend. I have no idea what either of those people look like, and the celebs who are well known in my circles might not be recognisable to you.

Here, your narrator considers herself to be beautiful. But this isn't how she sees herself at the beginning of her work in the bar. This isn't a continuity error as such, since the intro has her speaking after the rest of the story has taken place and her view of herself has changed. But if you want to bring the readers with her, it might work better to focus more on how she feels about her appearance at the start of the story rather than skipping ahead to that self-acceptance.

Later on (page 5 of part 1), this does feel like a continuity error:

"It is time for my gift," Hiro said and FUCK he grunted like an untamed beast as he started to cum in my pussy. Not in my pussy into the condom. FUCK, I wanted his cum in my pussy. But I had to stay safe, The condom was safe.

I collapsed forward onto the bed and turned over onto my back. Hiro was looking down at me triumphantly. The dragon tattoo looked at me as though it was going to eat me whole. He took the condom from his cock, filled with his cum, that should have been inside my pussy where it belonged.

[a few paragraphs later]

My hair was a mess and cum was dripping down my chin and from my pussy.

 

[LindyWong]

I took a quick look at parts 1 and 3. I'm not the target audience for these but overall I thought it was a decent effort.

Some good use of bookending with Tony - the protag's interactions with him at the start and the end of the story help drive home how she's changed.

There were some minor typos etc. Nothing huge but if you can find an editor/beta reader it wouldn't hurt to give that a bit more polish. For instance, I think this is the reverse of what you meant to write:



On character description:



Describing characters by celebrity comparisons is something I generally wouldn't recommend. I have no idea what either of those people look like, and the celebs who are well known in my circles might not be recognisable to you.

Here, your narrator considers herself to be beautiful. But this isn't how she sees herself at the beginning of her work in the bar. This isn't a continuity error as such, since the intro has her speaking after the rest of the story has taken place and her view of herself has changed. But if you want to bring the readers with her, it might work better to focus more on how she feels about her appearance at the start of the story rather than skipping ahead to that self-acceptance.

Later on (page 5 of part 1), this does feel like a continuity error:

Thank you This is something that I need to improve. I won't tell you how many times I reread the work and missed all the the issues that you have identified.

I am happy that even though it was not your type of story that you have taken the time to review and provide such vital feedback that I have been seeking.

My next story is in the ideas phase, and when ready I will take your advice and seek out an editor.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Thank you This is something that I need to improve. I won't tell you how many times I reread the work and missed all the the issues that you have identified.

I am happy that even though it was not your type of story that you have taken the time to review and provide such vital feedback that I have been seeking.

My next story is in the ideas phase, and when ready I will take your advice and seek out an editor.

Self-editing is hard. By the time a story is written, there are so many versions and revisions in my head, it's easy to miss when I've written something that depends on things that never made it into the final version, or where I changed my mind about a character's name but didn't carry that all the way through. I edit professionally (non-fiction) and I do my best to self-edit my stories here, but I always try to get a couple of people to look at them with fresh eyes before posting.

 

[NoviceAspen]

I strongly recommend running your work through Grammarly or getting a proofreader. There are enough typos and mistakes on the first page that I don’t know if I can read more.

“Susan was a skinny Taiwanese lady that's whose figure filled me with instant jealousy.”

“This was meant to be Trent and I's my attempt to stand on our own two feet.”

 

[LindyWong]

OMG I just ran it through Grammarly and it has confirmed that I am useless.

 

[NoviceAspen]

Don’t feel bad. The first time I used grammarly it flagged almost 200 things. Some were typos. Some were auto-correct problems. I found out was really over using the word “really.” I didn’t agree with all of the recommendations. It wanted me to put commas in places I thought they didn’t belong and remove commas I thought were needed I probably accepted about half of their edits.

Then I did one more read-through and still found one place that auto-correct had changed “we” to “weather.” The story is finally up on the site and I am nervous to read through it again because I know I’ll find even more mistakes.

 

[NoviceAspen]

The story itself intrigued me but I am easily distracted so I usually won’t finish a story after I spot two or three bigger grammatical errors. Not all readers will be as critical. If you post something new feel free to reply here or DM me and I would be happy to look at it to give more feedback on the plot itself.

 

[LindyWong]

The story itself intrigued me but I am easily distracted so I usually won’t finish a story after I spot two or three bigger grammatical errors. Not all readers will be as critical. If you post something new feel free to reply here or DM me and I would be happy to look at it to give more feedback on the plot itself.

Thank you for your feedback. It really has been invaluable and just what I need to move forward in my writing. If I ever DM you please only read if you have the time and if you are happy to.