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[HungRhino76]

Hi everyone, This is my first NC/R. A Comfort Man. it's my entrance into scent of Jasmin tea 2026. I originally put it into non-erotic (War story) but the site owners changed the category. it has many views but no votes as yet. I would like any feedback that you are willing to give. thank you;-)

 

[ButterBrie]

Hey there, I read your story!

Firstly, I think your brutal descriptions are fantastic. "Sweat, fear and human waste mixed into a stench so thick it coated the back of your throat." You invoke a lot of the senses, which I think is crucial to dark stories such as this.

On the flip side, it could use a bit of editing. There are numerous grammatical errors, particularly with tenses. I also personally think there are too many ellipses, it makes it feel a bit corny even though it's meant to be serious. There's also some repetition that hurts the pacing.

My biggest critique are the date tags -- I find that they really kill the flow of the writing, and I ended up skipping over them pretty early on. General descriptions are easier to read. Instead of jumping from "December 1941" to "June 1944", I'd just say "a few years later". Where it jumps back to the present day, I think cutting any time indicators entirely would give it a more jarring feel, as the main character is struggling to stay grounded against his flashbacks.

Speaking of, you handled his trauma response beautifully. "Suddenly I'm on one knee, vision swimming, the hum of the fridge, and the faint smell of toast so close, as if I'm staring through glass." Very accurate depiction, excellent way of describing that dissociative experience.

All in all, the story made me uncomfortable. That's a good thing. Though it lagged a little in places, I didn't find myself wanting to rush through it. It dragged me into the memories along with the main character, captured by them. Very nicely done!