My very first story is up! Constructive feedback welcome.

[McUnts]

Hi all!

I'm a new author who is finally feeling brave enough to post some creations.

Just added the first 2 parts of my first creation:

https://literotica.com/s/appy-family-pt-01
https://literotica.com/s/appy-family-pt-02

When an app that allows you to change people falls onto John’s phone, he’s unable to resist using it to have some fun with his wife and make a few alterations to himself. One change leads to another and another allowing previously repressed desires to get unlocked and, despite his caution to begin with, things soon get out of hand. Especially once the app falls into the hands of his altered wife and then their son and daughter!

Constructive feedback most welcome.

Part 3 imminent with part 4 and a bunch of other naughty tales under construction if there is demand.

Have a great day!

 

[AlinaX]

Immanent is such a wonderful word that it's a little painful to see it misused.

ETA: It was interesting until he nudged her intelligence down.

 

[McUnts]

Immanent is such a wonderful word that it's a little painful to see it misused.

ETA: It was interesting until he nudged her intelligence down.

Thank you... Typo ammended!

 

[StillStunned]

You lean heavily on the technique of telling, rather than showing. Both have their merits and their uses: "show" engages the reader, draws them into the story and makes the characters come to life, while "tell" sets the scene and speeds the story along between plot points. Overusing either creates an imbalance. For your story, more emphasis on "show" would have added depth. As it is, for long stretches it feels more like a plot summary.

Another point that's more a matter of personal taste is your use of precise measurements: bra size and cock length. I believe that a story is better served if you use descriptions: "firm, luscious breasts jutting out from her slim form, too big to hold in his hands but perfect for burying his face between", for example, or "a shaft that he could wrap both hands around, and even then his head jutted out".

But at the end of the day it's your story. Write what you want, and how you want, and enjoy the experience.

 

[McUnts]

You lean heavily on the technique of telling, rather than showing. Both have their merits and their uses: "show" engages the reader, draws them into the story and makes the characters come to life, while "tell" sets the scene and speeds the story along between plot points. Overusing either creates an imbalance. For your story, more emphasis on "show" would have added depth. As it is, for long stretches it feels more like a plot summary.

Another point that's more a matter of personal taste is your use of precise measurements: bra size and cock length. I believe that a story is better served if you use descriptions: "firm, luscious breasts jutting out from her slim form, too big to hold in his hands but perfect for burying his face between", for example, or "a shaft that he could wrap both hands around, and even then his head jutted out".

But at the end of the day it's your story. Write what you want, and how you want, and enjoy the experience.

Thank you, this is really helpful stuff. I'll try to make use of it in future creations.

 

[AlinaX]

I often enjoy these App stories. I've written some myself. I quite like thinking through the motivations of using the apps and the reactions to being controlled by them.

You broke POV early on, though:

Unknown to John the app was doing its own work already, the link it had established with him allowed it to subtly nudge his already heightened curiosity.

This is a bit lazy since it avoids all the interesting angst and guilt over choosing to objectify another human. I think also it's why I dislike the choice to reduce intelligence of a loved one: it's an abusive thing to do.

App users can do cruel things, but it's your job as author to make these cruelties seductive.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

There's a Lit bug affecting your stories. Part 1 says you've only published one story, but Part 2 says 2.

Your "Works" page is correct.

 

[McUnts]

There's a Lit bug affecting your stories. Part 1 says you've only published one story, but Part 2 says 2.

Your "Works" page is correct.

Thanks for pointing that out. Not sure what I can do. Hopefully when part 3 appears, it will catch up.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Thanks for pointing that out. Not sure what I can do. Hopefully when part 3 appears, it will catch up.

You might try creating a series in your dashboard, so there's a link added at the end of Part 1 to Part 2.

-Billie

 

[StillStunned]

The information on the story pages often lags behind a bit. It will sort itself out.

 

[McUnts]

Here's part 3
https://literotica.com/s/appy-family-pt-03

 

[LucieLou007]

Here's part 3
https://literotica.com/s/appy-family-pt-03

Great series, I've enjoyed reading it