Akila and Leya; Chapter 2

[Idiap]

I know it's an inspired subtitle, but chapter two of my fantasy series is finished and published. Would love some feedback on it.

It's a Transgender/Shemal/Futanari X Trap/femboy/twink (you can pick your preferred nomenclature) story with an emphasis on romance and characters.

https://literotica.com/s/akila-and-leya-ch-02

Thanks, I'd really appreciate some eyeballs on it, people seemed to like the first one so I want to see how my second attempt holds up.

 

[furiousdistribution]

So I haven't read your first one, but there's some problems here. I should start out with the context that there is no single way to write a story, and there's obviously exceptions to everything I say. But I'm going to phrase this as though it's the single, correct, way only because it's a much easier way to write.

And, fun fact, that is why I'm saying these things - I'm telling you a way to write that is much easier for your reader to follow, without requiring significantly more effort and skill on your part.

First, there's a concept called Point of View that I can't really give you full detail on, but I can explain a little. You should try to write a story from the perspective of a single character. The reason for this is two-fold -
One, it makes it easier to filter things out so you can avoid unnecessary information.
Two, it makes it easier to follow for the reader.

Writing stories from multiple points of view is hard. Doing it well is hardest, haha.

So, in your story, the obvious lead character is Akila. And here's the thing - you've already started writing from Akila's POV. But occasionally, you don't, which makes it worse haha.
For instance

The reality of what's happening hits Leya for the first time as he listens to Akila describe her relationship with Emperor Asair. He's being escorted by Akila Solamin herself to the great city of Armath - to the Silver Palace no less! He almost doesn't believe it's happening, it must be some dream. He looks around, trying to find something unreal, something that would give away this hallucination. That's when he sees it, a wonderous vision in the distance. The walls of Armath rising over the horizon like a mountain from the earth. It's too stunning and magnificent a sight to have come from his imagination, the surreal solidifies reality.

This is in Leya's head. You shouldn't be in Leya's head if Akila is the POV.

And you don't need to be in Leya's head - imagine if you're in Akila's head instead. You can still describe Leya looking around in awe, etc. She could even wonder what he thinks of this or that, etc.

You should not jump from head to head. You should go into one person's head. And on top of it, you should try to make an effort to write the story with touches that come from the perspective of that person.
Another way I could've said that is "write the story in this person's voice" but I've seen someone do that with a literal accent and is nigh unreadable. So I wouldn't go that far but ... you could add a little color/flavor that's particular to the POV character.

For instance in my own story, An Unexpected Arrival, a catboy comes to a door, and the resident looks at him through a door cam:

The small guy looked at the door cam more directly. He had large eyes, shaggy brown hair that fell down below his jaw, and brown ears on the top of his head. His features were so delicate that Jack wondered if he was only assuming that the government wouldn't send a woman to live with him.
The creature bit his lip and knocked again, while a sense of desperation spread across his features.

"The creature" here is a very rude choice, that doesn't get used again in the story. The reason is because this character, 'Jack' is the POV character, and to him, at the beginning of the story, this guy is just some bullshit faerie creature. It's a thing, rather than a person.

Also, note that I don't say that catboy feels desperate - first, you don't want to just say "This person feels X." Or in the immortal words of Futurama:


Instead, I'm using this to show that Jack can tell that the guy is desperate. If I had more time or skill, I probably would've phrased it in a way that made you tell that the guy was desperate. But I at least avoided entering his mind.

But keeping in the mind of a POV character allows you to get to know that character in a way that is much harder to do in a movie, or a video game. In a movie, 99% of the time, narration is a bad idea. But in a book, you can live inside a character's mind without them unrealistically describing their emotions to the outside world.

Second, your transitions are rough. Here's a very tiny example.

"Ylian." Akila helps him. "Are you about done now? I think I liked you better when you were were too timid to make fun of me." Leya laughs and hugs Akila tightly. "Yes, I'm done."

It's even more obvious in this format - see how that looks like just one long sentence? That's two different people talking, and it's not obvious that that's the case.

Same with the arrival to town. Suddenly happens in the middle of a paragraph. When you've got a scene change, you want to put it at the front of a new paragraph to make sure that the audience is expecting it. Especially if that thing has a big impact on the environment.

Third, try to show a little more than tell. Here's an example

Akilas eyes snap open wide and her posture changes from relaxed to tense in an instant.

"What?! Is he okay!? What happened?! Tell me he's still alive, A'peris!" Akila asks with panicked concern.

So if someone has 3 interrobangs in six words, you don't need to add "they're panicked" like, yeah. We know.

Telling is saying "her posture changes from relaxed to tense in an instant." What is a relaxed posture look like? What does a tense posture look like? When you panic, do you think "oh my posture"? Or what happens instead?

Akila's eyes snap open wide, and her heart beat inside her chest.
"What? Is he okay? What happened?" she asks, louder than she means to. She swallows hard and takes a step toward A'peris when he didn't answer fast enough. "Tell me he's alive!"

See how it feels more visceral? You never had to say she was panicked, it was clear from her words and her physical reaction that she was panicked.
Also, you should never do this:

"What were you thinking?! You nearly left the empire in shambles!" A'peris chides Akila sternly.

"Left the empire in shambles? I think your being a bit dramatic A'peris. I just went to capture some harmless Caelyrion terrorists, they weren't much healthier or better trained than peasent soldiers." Akila downplays the gravity of what occured outside of Til'amin.

We know he's chiding her. You don't have to say it.
We know she's downplaying it. You don't have to say it.

Don't say things that the audience should be able to understand. Describe his tone (stern) and her tone (relaxed/confident) - but don't just say "He chides her" unless it's literally a side character doing something in the background haha - and if you're going to do that, don't say the words. You say something like "He chides her" instead of saying any words, not in addition to those words.

Overall, I think you've got good ideas. But I would highly recommend reading some books, or watching some videos about writing.

Also, maybe economics - Akila 100% wrecked her Empire's economy with Asair's gift and will cause massive societal disruption that would realistically end in a lot of death, lawlz. It'd be like the Cornucopia bloodbath at the beginning of Hunger Games hahahahaha.

Good times.

 

[Idiap]

Wow! this is fantastic feedback! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and go into detail about these things. I'm obviously not a practiced writer I'm just fumbling along as best I can so feedback like this is super valuable. I'm going to keep all this in mind for the future.

 

[furiousdistribution]

You're very welcome - I'm no pro, but I've read a lot about writing, and watched a whole ton of youtube videos about writing, character development, etc. I highly recommend WriterBrandonMcNulty and Filmento.