Feedback for a brand new writer on the site.

[Devinter]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for clicking onto my thread. I am new to this website and this will be my very first dip into the forums.

Recently - about two or three weeks ago - I got it into my head that I wanted to attempt to write something in English. I am an author that have had some success in my native language (Swedish), but my English is far from perfect, and one day the dream is to be able to reach an international market, preferably without needing to use a translator to do the heavy lifting on my behalf. Therefore, I decided - almost on a whim, really - to dip into the art form of erotic writing, which is completely different from what I normally write. I figured it was a good first step, attempting to showcase something in English, without the bar being set quite as high as with some other forms of fiction.

That being said, I still wish to do a good job of course. And the whole point is to improve. Therefore, I would love some feedback on one of my stories. I'm attempting to write a new story (or chapter) every single day, and I've uploaded ten of them over the past two weeks or so here onto the website. Most have been attempts at gauging my own English talents, as well as figuring out what people here actually want to read. But today I published a story that isn't quite as "let's just make the reader climax as quickly as possible", and a bit more of an emotional story. I would love some feedback on it, and please be as brutally honest at pointing out my flaws as you can. That's how I will learn, and improve.

The story is called:
Please Remember Me Tomorrow

It's a fairly short story at around 5,000 words. Unlike some of the other stories I've uploaded, it shouldn't contain many kinks or fetishes that will scare most readers away. If you could please leave feedback on it - any aspect of it; from plot, to story-telling, to pace, to grammar and prose.. Even the dialogue or the length of it. Then I would be incredibly thankful. Are the words I am using far too simple? Is it obvious I am not a native English speaker? I tried to create a story that played on the reader's emotions. Did I succeed, or did it fall flat?

I am currently working on a much longer story, and any feedback on my past work could help improve it significantly, I believe.

Thank you in advance. I appreciate your time. And if you want me to read anything of yours in return, I would be more than happy to do so!

Sincerely,
Devinter


Too long; Didn't read - Please give me honest feedback on the story I've linked above! Thank you.

 

[RoperTrace]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for clicking onto my thread. I am new to this website and this will be my very first dip into the forums.

Recently - about two or three weeks ago - I got it into my head that I wanted to attempt to write something in English. I am an author that have had some success in my native language (Swedish), but my English is far from perfect, and one day the dream is to be able to reach an international market, preferably without needing to use a translator to do the heavy lifting on my behalf. Therefore, I decided - almost on a whim, really - to dip into the art form of erotic writing, which is completely different from what I normally write. I figured it was a good first step, attempting to showcase something in English, without the bar being set quite as high as with some other forms of fiction.

That being said, I still wish to do a good job of course. And the whole point is to improve. Therefore, I would love some feedback on one of my stories. I'm attempting to write a new story (or chapter) every single day, and I've uploaded ten of them over the past two weeks or so here onto the website. Most have been attempts at gauging my own English talents, as well as figuring out what people here actually want to read. But today I published a story that isn't quite as "let's just make the reader climax as quickly as possible", and a bit more of an emotional story. I would love some feedback on it, and please be as brutally honest at pointing out my flaws as you can. That's how I will learn, and improve.

The story is called:
Please Remember Me Tomorrow

It's a fairly short story at around 5,000 words. Unlike some of the other stories I've uploaded, it shouldn't contain many kinks or fetishes that will scare most readers away. If you could please leave feedback on it - any aspect of it; from plot, to story-telling, to pace, to grammar and prose.. Even the dialogue or the length of it. Then I would be incredibly thankful. Are the words I am using far too simple? Is it obvious I am not a native English speaker? I tried to create a story that played on the reader's emotions. Did I succeed, or did it fall flat?

I am currently working on a much longer story, and any feedback on my past work could help improve it significantly, I believe.

Thank you in advance. I appreciate your time. And if you want me to read anything of yours in return, I would be more than happy to do so!

Sincerely,
Devinter


Too long; Didn't read - Please give me honest feedback on the story I've linked above! Thank you.

The beginning of your story is so good, that I had to stop reading it for now. You see this past year I've been dealing with an older sister who was struggling with dementia, and while your story involves accident-caused memory loss, my sister was also in two accidents when we finally realized that she no longer has her memory. Your writing is excellent, and from the first several paragraphs, English does not appear to be a barrier. I promise to finish your story later. RT

 

[Devinter]

The beginning of your story is so good, that I had to stop reading it for now. You see this past year I've been dealing with an older sister who was struggling with dementia, and while your story involves accident-caused memory loss, my sister was also in two accidents when we finally realized that she no longer has her memory. Your writing is excellent, and from the first several paragraphs, English does not appear to be a barrier. I promise to finish your story later. RT

Thank you kindly for your warming words - I saw the comment you left on the story itself as well.

Loss of memory is a horrible fate. I volunteer in a home for the elderly sometimes and several of the people living there suffer from dementia. It's hard on them, but probably even harder on their loved ones. Our memories shape who we are, after all. I hope you can remain strong, not only for your sister but also for the rest of your family. If you need to talk to a stranger about it, feel free to send me a private message.

Is there anything in my story that you would have liked to change? Something I could do better? If so, please let me know!

 

[yukonnights]

I've just finished reading your story and left my comment there. I'm always impressed when non-English speaking authors can write so well. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[Devinter]

I've just finished reading your story and left my comment there. I'm always impressed when non-English speaking authors can write so well. Thanks for sharing it.

Thank you kindly! Thanks to your comment, as well as the others I've gotten, I am feeling a bit more confident in uploading that lengthy story I've been working on. (In between of all the pure smut I've been producing, which I personally feel is of a lower quality, but far easier to write.)

What would you have changed, if anything? I spent very little time on describing the appearance of the characters or providing much details on the environments they were in, because I was worried it would take away from the point of the story. Do you think that was the correct decision or would you have liked to see those aspects more fleshed out?

 

[ElectricBlue]

That's a fine piece of writing, about a difficult subject matter. Your grasp of English is better than many writers writing in their only language. Cudos.

 

[Devinter]

That's a fine piece of writing, about a difficult subject matter. Your grasp of English is better than many writers writing in their only language. Cudos.

Wow, I really appreciate those kind words.

I'm not going to lie; when I created this thread I was half expecting to have my work torn apart, and braced myself for some eviscerating and brutal responses telling me that I needed to either give up on writing in English, or at the very least put in a significant amount of work and effort to even meet the minimum standards of what could be considered good writing. I am fairly confident in what I can create in Swedish, but my vocabulary in English is not nearly as extensive. Pairing that with being so new to the erotic genre in general, I expected people to say that I had missed the mark.

I also want to thank @RoperTrace for pointing out a mistake I made in the text in a private message to me. I also found another minor mistake myself that I wish to correct. Do you experienced authors recommend I submit my corrections to the site, or is it better to accept that some mistakes are bound to happen, and just move on to the next story?

I am thankful for your time.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Wow, I really appreciate those kind words.

I'm not going to lie; when I created this thread I was half expecting to have my work torn apart, and braced myself for some eviscerating and brutal responses telling me that I needed to either give up on writing in English, or at the very least put in a significant amount of work and effort to even meet the minimum standards of what could be considered good writing. I am fairly confident in what I can create in Swedish, but my vocabulary in English is not nearly as extensive. Pairing that with being so new to the erotic genre in general, I expected people to say that I had missed the mark.

I also want to thank @RoperTrace for pointing out a mistake I made in the text in a private message to me. I also found another minor mistake myself that I wish to correct. Do you experienced authors recommend I submit my corrections to the site, or is it better to accept that some mistakes are bound to happen, and just move on to the next story?

I am thankful for your time.

The shortest period of time in the known universe is that between submitting a story and finding the first typo.

We all have them, but unless they're significant (that is, story meaning goes astray), I don't bother fixing them. I've got stories with broken html, typos, spelling mistakes, but so what?

I received a comment to one of my oldest stories the other day, saying, the story's okay, but you had two spelling mistakes. The story is close on ten years old, I don't think I'll be fixing that one. Sure, you get the grammar and spelling pedants who are only too happy to point these mistakes out - but I think there's probably one thing most of them have in common: they've never submitted a story in their life.

Obviously, you should always try to get the very best copy you can, before you submit. I think you can easily tell those who rush, who don't do basic spelling or grammar checks. Your copy looked pretty good to me.

 

[ccs29745]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for clicking onto my thread. I am new to this website and this will be my very first dip into the forums.

Recently - about two or three weeks ago - I got it into my head that I wanted to attempt to write something in English. I am an author that have had some success in my native language (Swedish), but my English is far from perfect, and one day the dream is to be able to reach an international market, preferably without needing to use a translator to do the heavy lifting on my behalf. Therefore, I decided - almost on a whim, really - to dip into the art form of erotic writing, which is completely different from what I normally write. I figured it was a good first step, attempting to showcase something in English, without the bar being set quite as high as with some other forms of fiction.

That being said, I still wish to do a good job of course. And the whole point is to improve. Therefore, I would love some feedback on one of my stories. I'm attempting to write a new story (or chapter) every single day, and I've uploaded ten of them over the past two weeks or so here onto the website. Most have been attempts at gauging my own English talents, as well as figuring out what people here actually want to read. But today I published a story that isn't quite as "let's just make the reader climax as quickly as possible", and a bit more of an emotional story. I would love some feedback on it, and please be as brutally honest at pointing out my flaws as you can. That's how I will learn, and improve.

The story is called:
Please Remember Me Tomorrow

It's a fairly short story at around 5,000 words. Unlike some of the other stories I've uploaded, it shouldn't contain many kinks or fetishes that will scare most readers away. If you could please leave feedback on it - any aspect of it; from plot, to story-telling, to pace, to grammar and prose.. Even the dialogue or the length of it. Then I would be incredibly thankful. Are the words I am using far too simple? Is it obvious I am not a native English speaker? I tried to create a story that played on the reader's emotions. Did I succeed, or did it fall flat?

I am currently working on a much longer story, and any feedback on my past work could help improve it significantly, I believe.

Thank you in advance. I appreciate your time. And if you want me to read anything of yours in return, I would be more than happy to do so!

Sincerely,
Devinter


Too long; Didn't read - Please give me honest feedback on the story I've linked above! Thank you.

I enjoyed the story. You did a good job with plot, the sex and the ending. Written like a true love story. Keep up great writing.

 

[Devinter]

I enjoyed the story. You did a good job with plot, the sex and the ending. Written like a true love story. Keep up great writing.

Thank you very much for taking the time both reading it and letting me know what you thought! I appreciate it.

 

[ccs29745]

Thank you very much for taking the time both reading it and letting me know what you thought! I appreciate it.

Your welcome

 

[UtilityCurve]

A very novel premise. That alone was worth five stars, but the grammar was better than most young native speakers could manage. That was also highly impressive.

If I may offer one criticism, the mood I got from the opening was sort of sci-fi. Awakening not knowing who or where you are and who is that stranger hovering over you is a trope in that genre and a rarity outside if it, so there's guilt by association, I suppose.

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxygen_(2021_film), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandorum, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Matter_(2015_TV_series), etc.

The romantic elements are delightful, especially the pleasing variations Beatrice calls out. Were it me, I might've switched to the third person during sex, punctuated by first-person quotations. In my interpretation, this is B's story as much as D's, but it's hard to give her pleasure and sensations their due via D's first person narrative. Consider how strong her emotions would be at being penetrated after such a long time. As has been observed elsewhere, memory loss and dementia are often harder on the person NOT afflicted: They are acutely aware of everything that has been lost, something the afflicted are substantially spared.

Your English language work holds out great promise. I have followed you.

 

[Devinter]

A very novel premise. That alone was worth five stars, but the grammar was better than most young native speakers could manage. That was also highly impressive.

If I may offer one criticism, the mood I got from the opening was sort of sci-fi. Awakening not knowing who or where you are and who is that stranger hovering over you is a trope in that genre and a rarity outside if it, so there's guilt by association, I suppose.

See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxygen_(2021_film), https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pandorum, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Matter_(2015_TV_series), etc.

The romantic elements are delightful, especially the pleasing variations Beatrice calls out. Were it me, I might've switched to the third person during sex, punctuated by first-person quotations. In my interpretation, this is B's story as much as D's, but it's hard to give her pleasure and sensations their due via D's first person narrative. Consider how strong her emotions would be at being penetrated after such a long time. As has been observed elsewhere, memory loss and dementia are often harder on the person NOT afflicted: They are acutely aware of everything that has been lost, something the afflicted are substantially spared.

Your English language work holds out great promise. I have followed you.

Thank you kindly for your feedback!

I cannot recall if I have ever made the switch from first person to third person in any of my writing, and that is a very interesting idea. I am intrigued to try this in a story in the future. I absolutely agree that it is Beatrice's story just as much as Daniel's - arguably even more so, to an extent. As I wrote to @RoperTrace in a reply above, I fully agree that memory loss is actually harder on those around the person suffering from the affliction. I tried to convey this in the story, without making it far too sad so that it'd ruin the loving scene. But if I ever end up editing it, to improve it, I will take your advice to heart and add a few extra lines regarding Beatrice's emotional state. It doesn't have to make it more sorrowful; It could merely show her appreciation better.

I really appreciate you taking the time not only to read it, but also comment on the story!

 

[UtilityCurve]

Thank you kindly for your feedback!

I cannot recall if I have ever made the switch from first person to third person in any of my writing, and that is a very interesting idea. I am intrigued to try this in a story in the future. I absolutely agree that it is Beatrice's story just as much as Daniel's - arguably even more so, to an extent. As I wrote to @RoperTrace in a reply above, I fully agree that memory loss is actually harder on those around the person suffering from the affliction. I tried to convey this in the story, without making it far too sad so that it'd ruin the loving scene. But if I ever end up editing it, to improve it, I will take your advice to heart and add a few extra lines regarding Beatrice's emotional state. It doesn't have to make it more sorrowful; It could merely show her appreciation better.

I really appreciate you taking the time not only to read it, but also comment on the story!

You are most welcome to my ramblings. I'd be humbled if any of them were any good!

Just came across this a few moments ago: https://www.blogto.com/city/2023/02/toronto-couple-documenting-memory-loss-real-life-50-first-dates/

 

[RoperTrace]

I'm very sorry RT, memories are the only thing that are truly ours in this life as we live on borrowed time and even our bodies are never truly ours. It is quite frightening to have memory loss and I worry because I suffer from an invisible illness that has affected my memory and concentration. Most people would never guess but I used to be able to look at a page and memorise the entire thing in under a minute, now I struggle remembering numbers often and I'm so worried I'll forget things, I make it a habit to write everything down in my calendar and have to-do lists. Again I am sorry, my heart goes out to you and like Devinter generously offered, though my time is limited due to my own situation not being ideal, I am here if you also want to reach out. I do agree Devinter's writing is excellent and fortunate to have crossed paths with him as this story and the other story I read for the summer competition, are not just any stories with sexual stuff thrown in but carefully crafted moments of human lives, filled with a rollercoaster of emotions and a good dose of reality. Have a great weekend!

Thank you M_S. My mind has been at ease for a couple months now, since we have my sister in a safe facility, where she is relatively happy, but she looks healthier and not as stressed. She makes up stories about her stay there; first it was she's a nurse again, and everyone there are her patients.
I hope whatever is troubling you is lessening and you have a great week, since the weekend is almost over. I appreciate your kind offer. RT
(p.s.-Sophie is my granddaughter's name also)