Ethical Slut Board

[redathena]

In the past few months I've been running into quite a few couples maintaining an open relationship. I've learned a lot from them and I'm now curiuous about other people's experiences. So... what's your take on the subject?


(The title of this thread is also the title of a book)

 

[redathena]

what im trying to get at is weather or not you would be able to sleep with someone while being in a serious loving relationship with another. is it wrong to be attracted to someone who is not your s.o.? can jealosy be conquered? can you have sex with whomever you want and go back to your love the same night? is monogamy natural?

 

[mitchboot]

I think you or I can sleep with someone and still have the significant other and stay in love, but i dont think trying to hide it is the best way to go, if I were to be in this type of a situation I would want the feelings to be mutual with my significant other, the relationship open to both sides knowing and accepting it. Just my view.

 

[Missingmeds]

The only way that it will work is if both are open and honest. Otherwise it is just one partner cheating on another. If the relationship is open, then no, I don't feel bad about having sex with someone that is married.

Many people do have just these types of marriages and it is becoming more and more frequently.

 

[redathena]

Honesty is definitely important in these stituations, but even with honesty comes jealousy. Naturally, both parties have to know what is going on, but even with open communication, wierd things can happen. I think it would take two very confident and trusting people.

 

[Missingmeds]

Security is what it is all about. Being secure in the relationship, being secure in your partner, and being secure in yourself.

 

[redathena]

I had a chat with a friend who's engaged and in an open relationship. He's super confident and trusting but he's told me that there are still times when he feels strange about it, like when his fiance would rather be with someone else over him in a swinger type atmosphere. I do think they'll make it though. I just wonder what kind of emotions they both go through, knowing they are sharing and being shared.

 

[dr.bong]

It really depends on if you are able to separate sexual attraction from love

If I am attracted to other women, and my SO knows it dows not threaten the love I have for hre, and the complementary action on her part...I see nothing wrong with it, in fact in can be quite a wonderful thing, if it is agreed to, obviously

 

[redathena]

It really depends on if you are able to separate sexual attraction from love

If I am attracted to other women, and my SO knows it dows not threaten the love I have for hre, and the complementary action on her part...I see nothing wrong with it, in fact in can be quite a wonderful thing, if it is agreed to, obviously

I agree wholeheartedly. It used to be really hard for me to separate the two, but after a few sexual awakenings, its hard for me to understand monogomy. It just doesnt seem natural.

 

[islander01]

what im trying to get at is weather or not you would be able to sleep with someone while being in a serious loving relationship with another. is it wrong to be attracted to someone who is not your s.o.? can jealosy be conquered? can you have sex with whomever you want and go back to your love the same night? is monogamy natural?

certainly It cant be wrong to be attracted to someone not ones own "s.o.". attraction happens all the time. the rest depends on the relationship. no monogamy isnt normal, there is no normal.

 

[Noor]

I am not a slut. I am person, deserving of respect just like any other person. To me sex is a form of intimate communication. I can have serious sexual relationships with more than one person, and I know people who can do that too with me.

What I hate is people who play at openness. People who are really monogamous but say they aren't, people who just have you as something on the side while professing otherwise. People who have no idea how to treat more than one sexual relationship fairly, and they blame you when it is there problem of their making.

 

[redathena]

the word slut has such a negative connotation. maybe sexually free would be a better term.

 

[redathena]

I wish these things were more accepted.

 

[dr.bong]

so do I

maybe some of us who feel this way should meet, and see how to spead the word

 

[redathena]

spreading the word would be a marvelous thing. its just that there are so many people already set in their ways that would be completely unable to accept this. monogomy is so engrained in our society that talk wont help. the only thing that might work would be to start some kind of a scoial movement and that sounds a wee bit radical.

 

[islander01]

the word slut has such a negative connotation. maybe sexually free would be a better term.

Thats what I think of when I hear the term.

 

[redathena]

Thats what I think of when I hear the term.

I wonder where that world came from. At least a males can be called sluts now, too. The double standard is slowly dwindling away.

 

[EroticLust]

Originally posted by redathena
spreading the word would be a marvelous thing. its just that there are so many people already set in their ways that would be completely unable to accept this. monogomy is so engrained in our society that talk wont help. the only thing that might work would be to start some kind of a scoial movement and that sounds a wee bit radical.

I see you talking about monogamy - but I think the word you want to research is polamory - the ability to be in a committed relationship but maintain relationships/sexual partners outside the relationship. There are groups/websites out there for you to find out more about it. Do a search on Yahoo!

EL

 

[Noor]

I see you talking about monogamy - but I think the word you want to research is polamory - the ability to be in a committed relationship but maintain relationships/sexual partners outside the relationship. There are groups/websites out there for you to find out more about it. Do a search on Yahoo!

EL

That still sounds like one committed relationship and the rests are outsiders, secondary to it.

I can be in several committed relationships, with none being primary.

 

[EroticLust]

Originally posted by Noor
That still sounds like one committed relationship and the rests are outsiders, secondary to it.

I can be in several committed relationships, with none being primary.

I don't think it is that confined - I am sure people in this lifestyle don't limit themselves to this being the only set-up. People who subscribe to polyamory are those who believe you don't need to be committed to just one person - and they accept that they can not be monogamous because it is not in their nature.

 

[Noor]

I don't think it is that confined - I am sure people in this lifestyle don't limit themselves to this being the only set-up. People who subscribe to polyamory are those who believe you don't need to be committed to just one person - and they accept that they can not be monogamous because it is not in their nature.

I don't really believe in monogamy outside of marriage and since I have never been married I really don't know.
I imagine that there may be someone that I would feel that way about or would be able to committ in such a manner but I really have no idea.
It is definitely not in my nature to want to be coupled exclusively to one person.
There have been times in my life when I was so into a particular person that I just didn't notice anyone else.

 

[redathena]

Maybe monogamy is a good thing for some people. I too have never been married. The thought scares me. It also seems so romanticized. Soul mates are a great fantasy, but when you find out they don’t really exist, you're disappointed and think that this may just not be the right one. I suppose monogamy can be nice for a while, but with time, it might be a recipe for disaster.

 

[capricious_chic]

what im trying to get at is weather or not you would be able to sleep with someone while being in a serious loving relationship with another.

Depends on the parameters of the relationship. When not married there are spoken and unspoken cues that we use to gauge what is appropriate. Me personally, no. For me it would mean that I am not really serious or in love with the person that I am in a relationship with.

is it wrong to be attracted to someone who is not your s.o.?

I think it would be unnatural to only be attracted to only your SO. We find many different types of people attractive. Just because one is in a relationship doesn't mean they are blind to those around them. Finding someone attractive is one thing, however acting upon that attraction is where things get blurry.

can jealosy be conquered?

Only if the person that is jealous gets some self-esteem. Jealousy is not about the other person, it is about one's self and the lack of confidence and insecurity within.

can you have sex with whomever you want and go back to your love the same night?

Again, it would depend on the parameters of the relationship.

is monogamy natural?

For some it is a very natural state of being, for others it is not.
I think it is the ideal, what people strive for.

My experience with open relationships have mainly been as an observer. What I have observed are usually two people who feel that something is lacking w/in their relationship so they decide to try to add something to it. Similar to the idea that having a child will save a marriage. More often than not it is the sign of a deteriorating relationship where the people involved will look at everything around them as a fix-all and ignore what the original problem is - either out of ignorance or because the relationship itself has become so comfortable that they are not yet ready to give it up.

It isn't usually two people who agree that monogamy is not for them and decide to commit to each other and enjoy an open relationship.

 

[islander01]

Maybe monogamy is a good thing for some people. I too have never been married. The thought scares me. It also seems so romanticized. Soul mates are a great fantasy, but when you find out they don’t really exist, you're disappointed and think that this may just not be the right one. I suppose monogamy can be nice for a while, but with time, it might be a recipe for disaster.

after 13 years of marriage I have come to the point where I cant understand monogamy. Somewhere somehow it served a purpose in our culture related to the survival of our species. This dosnt seem valid anymore. In my own sexual missmatch I would be quite happy to allow my wife sexual freedom outside of our marraige if only to find out if she has any interest in sex at all...I look around and there seems to be very little true monogamy in the world anymore and I see a lot of "pretend" monogamy, but perhaps Im just bitter. why shoudnt we be allowed to share this joyful part of life it could enrich the life experiance so. I guess our species has a ways to go before we are mature enough for this kind of thing(in general) I am envious of those who have found it now and can make it work. forgive my wondering musings tangents aare my specialty.

I still believe in soul mates

 

[islander01]

sort of a

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