Divorce and Separation

[Ladybird]

I haven't posted here for a long time, but I'm low, and need support.

I've been separated since October last year, I was the one who moved out, and because of that I was given a hard time by a lot of people.. including my children. They'd all seen what they thought was a perfect marriage, when out of the blue I bailed.

But of course the marriage wasn't perfect, it hadn't been for a long long time. But everyone was so used to things as they were, they just didn't notice.

After all these months, my husband still hasn't let go of me. Once our house sold, he moved out and bought himself a house less than a mile from where I live. He phones me under any excuse a couple of times a week, and visits whenever he can.. to return things etc. When he's here he's morose and moody.. one of the things I had difficulty with while we were together.

Like most people, I went thru a slutty stage.. I guess I was just revelling in my new found freedom. But that has passed now, and I need something more.. something meaningful. Friends, r/l and online tell me I should have no trouble.. that I've got so much going for me etc. I know that they're trying to help, but all that's happening is that they're reminding me that in spite of my personal assets, I'm still alone. It makes me feel embarrassed, as if I were a loser.

So now I'm desperately lonely. I'm surrounded by people, but I have no one of my own. No one to share my day with, to hug me when things go well, to comfort me when I need it. I have no one.

And Sept 11 is looming, and I don't want to be alone that day. I don't know how I will manage on my own, as I probably will be. You see, we all think of Sept 11 and the Twin Towers, but last year, it was also my 30th wedding anniversay. Our marriage was all but over, we were broke and couldn't afford to go out and celebrate. Instead, we decided to spend the day together and go for a drive in the country. Hubby arranged to take the day off work. We got up early, and left soon after. It was a lovely day, but there was a lot of tension between us, neither of us was happy, but we tried. At least I did. This special day.. our 30th anniversay... what did hubby do? He took his work cell phone with him and insisted on leaving it turned on. He took calls all day.. some quite lengthy. One of the interrupted lunch... he didn't mind.

It was a horrible day, it's so full of bad memories and feelings, and then when we came home, hubby turned on the TV and we saw what was happening in New York.

And that's why I'm going to need someone of my own with me on Sept 11, there are so many bad memories and pain.... for my marriage and for America.

 

[bknight2602]

I haven't posted here for a long time, but I'm low, and need support.

I've been separated since October last year, I was the one who moved out, and because of that I was given a hard time by a lot of people.. including my children. They'd all seen what they thought was a perfect marriage, when out of the blue I bailed.

........

And that's why I'm going to need someone of my own with me on Sept 11, there are so many bad memories and pain.... for my marriage and for America.

Profoundly stated, I hope you find someone to snuggle up to on the day of infamy, I'd offer a shoulder if I were there.

 

[Ladybird]

Profoundly stated, I hope you find someone to snuggle up to on the day of infamy, I'd offer a shoulder if I were there.

Thank you sweet man, I would gladly accept it.

 

[mbb308]

I haven't posted here for a long time, but I'm low, and need support.

I've been separated since October last year, I was the one who moved out, and because of that I was given a hard time by a lot of people.. including my children. They'd all seen what they thought was a perfect marriage, when out of the blue I bailed.

But of course the marriage wasn't perfect, it hadn't been for a long long time. But everyone was so used to things as they were, they just didn't notice.

After all these months, my husband still hasn't let go of me. Once our house sold, he moved out and bought himself a house less than a mile from where I live. He phones me under any excuse a couple of times a week, and visits whenever he can.. to return things etc. When he's here he's morose and moody.. one of the things I had difficulty with while we were together.

Like most people, I went thru a slutty stage.. I guess I was just revelling in my new found freedom. But that has passed now, and I need something more.. something meaningful. Friends, r/l and online tell me I should have no trouble.. that I've got so much going for me etc. I know that they're trying to help, but all that's happening is that they're reminding me that in spite of my personal assets, I'm still alone. It makes me feel embarrassed, as if I were a loser.

So now I'm desperately lonely. I'm surrounded by people, but I have no one of my own. No one to share my day with, to hug me when things go well, to comfort me when I need it. I have no one.

And Sept 11 is looming, and I don't want to be alone that day. I don't know how I will manage on my own, as I probably will be. You see, we all think of Sept 11 and the Twin Towers, but last year, it was also my 30th wedding anniversay. Our marriage was all but over, we were broke and couldn't afford to go out and celebrate. Instead, we decided to spend the day together and go for a drive in the country. Hubby arranged to take the day off work. We got up early, and left soon after. It was a lovely day, but there was a lot of tension between us, neither of us was happy, but we tried. At least I did. This special day.. our 30th anniversay... what did hubby do? He took his work cell phone with him and insisted on leaving it turned on. He took calls all day.. some quite lengthy. One of the interrupted lunch... he didn't mind.

It was a horrible day, it's so full of bad memories and feelings, and then when we came home, hubby turned on the TV and we saw what was happening in New York.

And that's why I'm going to need someone of my own with me on Sept 11, there are so many bad memories and pain.... for my marriage and for America.

My mother pulled the plug on her marraige of 29 years, when I was 27, for many of the same reasons you mentioned. I am twice divorced myself, and have been for 12 years now.

Handling aloneness is a learning process. I make the worst choices to fill the void when I want it filled the most (that's where #2 came from). I also have another issue which insures that I know loneliness such as few do.

When I got the issue in remission, I was left with me. I had to change the emphasis of my life in many areas. I deprioritized the filling of the void with another human being, and I emphasized becoming a whole me. I had operated under the false impression that I needed a woman to be whole.

Part of becoming whole was taking stock of me. I found out where I was lacking. I was a lousy friend for one - thought I was a good one, too, before. I figured out what I wanted in a friend, and then became that for the friends I had, and the new ones I've made. Today I have more and better friends than ever before.

And that's just one facet. I've also learned about what I like to do, and I spend time doing that whenever possible. I've gone into business for myself, and haven't starved. I'm a better parent to my 15 YO son than ever before. I am active in my community.

I'm still by myself. Today, I have solitude, but I am rarely lonely.

Maybe do something for yourself on that day. Or, do something charitable, that needs doing, and throw yourself into it with as much zeal as you can muster. I think you'll find that you will be just fine by focussing on what you do have as opposed to the someone you don't have right now. And, you might meet someone worthwhile while doing something unrelated, too.

Hope this helps - it helped me. I used to fear being by myself.

 

[Playtimes fun]

I haven't posted here for a long time, but I'm low, and need support.

And that's why I'm going to need someone of my own with me on Sept 11, there are so many bad memories and pain.... for my marriage and for America.

Ladybird! Huggs my friend.....I didnt know you were hurting so. Last I knew you were enjoying a lit party. I have emailed but never a return. I only know that there are some of us right here that love you for who and what you are, a great lady, nothing more, nothing less. You have helped many of us over humps in our lives and please allow us to do the same for you. I can not see that I could be there on that day.....but you can rest assured that if there was anyway I could I would make it happen for you. You have been a friend for a long time and it pains me to see you hurt.

be listening closely for the phone...

hugging you tight,

Marty

 

[wordsmithe]

Thanks to everyone on this thread. I really still can't believe that I found lit, where you have such a community of people who are willing to bare their souls and the people who are there to support us. See you all when I get back.

How are things going, after the weekend?

 

[psyche]

How are things going, after the weekend?

wordsmithe, Thanks for asking! The trip to Toronto was a mixed bag, which is really exactly what I expected. We both needed to get away, but of course we took everything with us. The fun between us is not there, but we did have some good times together and there were times when we got on each other's nerves. I am finding myself feeling blue and wondering if I will ever get my feeling back for him that I once had. But I have been trying not to focus on that because I know it is going to take a lot of time and work. It is a totally foreign feeling to me to look at him and not have everything tempered with love. If you think about it we can take a lot if we love someone. Without that it is almost like I look at him with totally different eyes and those eyes are not tolerant, which is not fair to him. I am going through a phase of confusion, not knowing if we are meant to be together, which is something I never questioned before all of this. In some ways I think I need to get back to work so I don't have time to dwell on the negatives, I could drive myself crazy.

 

[wordsmithe]

wordsmithe, Thanks for asking! The trip to Toronto was a mixed bag...wondering if I will ever get my feeling back for him that I once had... not knowing if we are meant to be together...

In some ways I think I need to get back to work so I don't have time to dwell on the negatives, I could drive myself crazy.

Find the positives in your life, vent right here when you need to, and never hesitate to ask for moral support.

It should not be two people striving to fix a marriage... it should be two people are striving for happiness. And if *he* doesn't start striving for two people to be happy, then you should simply strive to make you happy.

Dig deep for strength, and let us know how we can help.

 

[MissTaken]

I really hate being alone.


Just had to throw that in here!

 

[psyche]

ok?

I really hate being alone.


Just had to throw that in here!

I saw your thread earlier, are you ok? Need to talk?

 

[MissTaken]

Thanks, psyche!

I am okay....right as rain and all that stuff.

Just introspective.

Not worry....I will be bouncing back after this cup of java.

 

[psyche]

Thanks, psyche!

I am okay....right as rain and all that stuff.

Just introspective.

Not worry....I will be bouncing back after this cup of java.

Oh the wonders of caffine! LOL!

 

[Carp]

Hi

Hey- just thought I would post to let folks know I am reading and thinking. I'll post if I think I have something valuable to say. What is the etiquette here- am I expected to read all the prior posts? (Nothing personal, but I don’t think that is going to happen…)

I do have a couple of comments, as long as I am here.
Psyche- the fact that you are in there swinging says a heck of a lot about you, and it is all good.

Miss Taken- Chin up, and I’d be honored to keep your company

 

[psyche]

Find the positives in your life, vent right here when you need to, and never hesitate to ask for moral support.

It should not be two people striving to fix a marriage... it should be two people are striving for happiness. And if *he* doesn't start striving for two people to be happy, then you should simply strive to make you happy.

Dig deep for strength, and let us know how we can help.

As always, your input is appreciated, wordsmithe.

 

[psyche]

Re: Hi

Hey- just thought I would post to let folks know I am reading and thinking. I'll post if I think I have something valuable to say. What is the etiquette here- am I expected to read all the prior posts? (Nothing personal, but I don’t think that is going to happen…)

I do have a couple of comments, as long as I am here.
Psyche- the fact that you are in there swinging says a heck of a lot about you, and it is all good.

Miss Taken- Chin up, and I’d be honored to keep your company

Sometimes with a longer thread it may be impossible to read all the prior posts, and people usually don't expect someone who is new to know everything that has gone on before.

Welcome to lit - and to one of the most thought provoking threads here.

Don't give me too much credit since you don't know my whole story (and I don't expect you to know it!)

Thanks for your input.

 

[Carp]

Hey

Oh, call me naive, but I prefer to believe the best of people.

 

[psyche]

Re: Hey

Oh, call me naive, but I prefer to believe the best of people.

Thanks, Carp, I really do appreciate the thought! And it's not naive, it's a quality found in a good person.

 

[chewbacca71]

Hello everyone, hope you are all enjoying a great weekend. I have another question for you all.

If there is a chance to put back together a 9 1/2 year marriage, should I go for it with all my heart, or should I hold back since she has hurt me in the past. It seems like things may be able to be worked out, if I am willing to wait another month to start my new life. Which means that I would be staying at my sisters for 10 weeks instead of 6 weeks. I am trying to hang in there, but I want a place of my own. I have given her a date of OCT 1st to tell me 100% if we are back together or not. I hope things work out, since we have three great kids and over 12 years of being together, but I have my hesitations.

We have talked things out quite a bit. Each of us has given what we would expect would be the changes to our relationship compared to what it was like the first go around. But I just have this nagging suspision that she wants us to get back together because she is struggling to be a single mom of three. Should I feel guilty for having these suspisions?

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Hello everyone, hope you are all enjoying a great weekend. I have another question for you all.

If there is a chance to put back together a 9 1/2 year marriage, should I go for it with all my heart, or should I hold back since she has hurt me in the past. It seems like things may be able to be worked out, if I am willing to wait another month to start my new life. Which means that I would be staying at my sisters for 10 weeks instead of 6 weeks. I am trying to hang in there, but I want a place of my own. I have given her a date of OCT 1st to tell me 100% if we are back together or not. I hope things work out, since we have three great kids and over 12 years of being together, but I have my hesitations.

We have talked things out quite a bit. Each of us has given what we would expect would be the changes to our relationship compared to what it was like the first go around. But I just have this nagging suspision that she wants us to get back together because she is struggling to be a single mom of three. Should I feel guilty for having these suspisions?

Chewey

I am probably not the best person to offer advice since I am pretty much in the same situation, but I would give it four more weeks, when you think of all the years you have been together. If you have suspicions about her motives - don't feel guilty about it, you may be right. You can always put everything out there on the table, and ask her outright about it. Talk about your hesistations. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and I am looking at our situation as a chance to get things out in the open without fear. We have a tendency to keep things to ourselves sometimes, fearing what the other person may think. We are a point now where we have nothing to lose, we are either going to make it or break it, so it is a chance for us to speak our minds and get things out that have not been expressed for a very long time.

Good luck to you Chewy.....

 

[chewbacca71]

I am probably not the best person to offer advice since I am pretty much in the same situation, but I would give it four more weeks, when you think of all the years you have been together. If you have suspicions about her motives - don't feel guilty about it, you may be right. You can always put everything out there on the table, and ask her outright about it. Talk about your hesistations. My husband and I have been together for over 20 years and I am looking at our situation as a chance to get things out in the open without fear. We have a tendency to keep things to ourselves sometimes, fearing what the other person may think. We are a point now where we have nothing to lose, we are either going to make it or break it, so it is a chance for us to speak our minds and get things out that have not been expressed for a very long time.

Good luck to you Chewy.....

Thanks hon.

We have kind of talked outright a few times, at least I know that I have. I just wonder if she is holding things back. She gave me a note once , where she pretty much told me that she was trying to make me think she was cheating so that I would hate her and want to move on faster. Now I wonder, if that was all a front and she really had been out playing around. This is pretty confusing times right now. She wants us to start being friends again, which means I will still be staying at my sisters; which is fine with me. However , then she asks me to please stay the night with her and we have some great hot sex. Then the next morning , when she goes to work, I get a kiss on the cheek. Seems like the emotional rollercoaster is starting up again.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Thanks hon.

We have kind of talked outright a few times, at least I know that I have. I just wonder if she is holding things back. She gave me a note once , where she pretty much told me that she was trying to make me think she was cheating so that I would hate her and want to move on faster. Now I wonder, if that was all a front and she really had been out playing around. This is pretty confusing times right now. She wants us to start being friends again, which means I will still be staying at my sisters; which is fine with me. However , then she asks me to please stay the night with her and we have some great hot sex. Then the next morning , when she goes to work, I get a kiss on the cheek. Seems like the emotional rollercoaster is starting up again.

Chewey

God it's tough. Obviously I can't speak for her or have a clue what her motives are. If she is putting you through hell you also have to consider taking care of yourself and trying to keep yourself from getting caught up in any games she may be playing. Keep in mind that she may also be conflicted and confused about what she wants, so while it looks like she is playing with you it may be based on confusion rather than manipulation.

At least you are having some good sex!!! LOL! Sorry - but that is not happening in my relationship! I have to get carry out!

 

[chewbacca71]

God it's tough. Obviously I can't speak for her or have a clue what her motives are. If she is putting you through hell you also have to consider taking care of yourself and trying to keep yourself from getting caught up in any games she may be playing. Keep in mind that she may also be conflicted and confused about what she wants, so while it looks like she is playing with you it may be based on confusion rather than manipulation.

At least you are having some good sex!!! LOL! Sorry - but that is not happening in my relationship! I have to get carry out!

Hmm that is strange, I looked for carryout sex in the phone book and could not find it, imagine that. hehehe. Anyway, I agree that she is confused, but this is going to make things worse for the kids. One night I am here and they see me in the morning. Then the next three days they dont see me. Poor kids are getting all confused as to what is going on.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Hmm that is strange, I looked for carryout sex in the phone book and could not find it, imagine that. hehehe. Anyway, I agree that she is confused, but this is going to make things worse for the kids. One night I am here and they see me in the morning. Then the next three days they dont see me. Poor kids are getting all confused as to what is going on.

Chewey

Carryout sex - a lot easier for women to get!!! Thank god!

And you're right it has to be hard for the kids, at least we don't have kids. It's bad enough when the poor cat gets nervous when we yell at each other!

 

[chewbacca71]

Yeah, it is easier for women, that is why I have that line in my sig line. Its funny, the kids at times have been what keeps us together, but now it may drive us apart since I want to see them so much.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Well guys another installment on the continuing saga of the wounded marriage....things have been going really well, he is on Prozac and I can really see a change in his behavior. He is more relaxed and he has not been critical of me, which is his usual behavior. He even told me today that he has noticed that he doesn't feel the need to criticize everything I do - big step forward. He has seen the psychologist once so far, and I have made an appointment to see the same guy. Eventually, we will see him together also.

Here is the extremely depressing part *crying*
he said he wanted to have sex tonight, and I thought great this is another change for the better

...guys never sexually neglect your wives, because they may find out that they are not happy with you, after they leave home to find sex....

I am not going to go into details but he made sure that he had plenty of tissues out before so he could make sure the cum didn't get on the sheets, which it did anyway.......I am crying and my heart is broken.....I used to be so fucking happy in this marriage and how can I ever get that back.....I feel that it is hopeless at this point......