Divorce and Separation

[bknight2602]

Re: divorce?

I need to vent and this may not make much sense.

I have been married for 20 years. We had problems in the
....
I am sorry this is so long. I don't care if anyone reads it or not I had to get it out.

Psyche I know some of what you speak. I married a total bitch. After marriage she took the opposite side of everything I said. Consatant battles erupted since there were differences on everything. She would even change positions from time to time to keep me off balance. I withdrew to end the constant fighting, but that still was not the aanswer. It took six months to realize I had made a big, mistake and then nine years of hell before I said enough is enough. I filled for divorce and got the same crying routine you're getting. All the comments of how I am breaking up the family! But I had made the right decision and moved on with my life. She still continued to harass for about 2--3 years, finally excepting the situation.
The divorce seems like it would not be an amicable one, be prepared for the worst slandering statements about you and your behavior. Take them in stride and point out the other side of the equation. Get a good lawyer, be happy and content once it is over.

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: divorce?

Psyche I know some of what you speak. I married a total bitch. After marriage she took the opposite side of everything I said. Consatant battles erupted since there were differences on everything. She would even change positions from time to time to keep me off balance. I withdrew to end the constant fighting, but that still was not the aanswer. It took six months to realize I had made a big, mistake and then nine years of hell before I said enough is enough. I filled for divorce and got the same crying routine you're getting. All the comments of how I am breaking up the family! But I had made the right decision and moved on with my life. She still continued to harass for about 2--3 years, finally excepting the situation.
The divorce seems like it would not be an amicable one, be prepared for the worst slandering statements about you and your behavior. Take them in stride and point out the other side of the equation. Get a good lawyer, be happy and content once it is over.

Thank you for your input bknight.
He can argue about the least significant thing just to get something started when things are going well. He can't say anything to me that he hasn't already said in hatred to my face. I have been so concerned about his feelings that I have not let myself cry or mourn over the loss of my love for him. And that's how it has been. He calls me his rock, I need someone else to be the rock for a while, I need to break down and be able to cry, but I can't.

 

[mbb308]

Re: Re: Re: divorce?

Thank you for your input bknight.
He can argue about the least significant thing just to get something started when things are going well. He can't say anything to me that he hasn't already said in hatred to my face. I have been so concerned about his feelings that I have not let myself cry or mourn over the loss of my love for him. And that's how it has been. He calls me his rock, I need someone else to be the rock for a while, I need to break down and be able to cry, but I can't.

Crying can be a tough one, if one is out of the habit of doing so....Some day, I'll post a few lines about #2, over 12 years now. She recently remarried and moved to FL, taking our now 15YO w/ her....that was its own little bundle of not-joy!!!

I cannot be that dependent on another - have them, share them and with them, but not at that level....gotta go for a bit....will come back....

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

Crying can be a tough one, if one is out of the habit of doing so....Some day, I'll post a few lines about #2, over 12 years now. She recently remarried and moved to FL, taking our now 15YO w/ her....that was its own little bundle of not-joy!!!

I cannot be that dependent on another - have them, share them and with them, but not at that level....gotta go for a bit....will come back....

You hit on something that scares me the most. So many divorced people tell me they will never love that deeply again to protect themselves. I loved him so much, and to have that hatred and anger turned toward me, I felt like he tore my heart out. I want to love like that again, I don't want to hold back.

 

[bknight2602]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

You hit on something that scares me the most. So many divorced people tell me they will never love that deeply again to protect themselves. I loved him so much, and to have that hatred and anger turned toward me, I felt like he tore my heart out. I want to love like that again, I don't want to hold back.

In my case that was easy, but each of us is an individual. The best thing is to NOT look back, but ever forward. Love and trust can and will be regained, but it will not be a short journey. lol

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

In my case that was easy, but each of us is an individual. The best thing is to NOT look back, but ever forward. Love and trust can and will be regained, but it will not be a short journey. lol

Thanks, bknight.

 

[tryingsumtinnew]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

Thanks, bknight.

Hmmm, divorce is hard and i'm always sorry when someone had to go through it. What was it a wise person said once...........oh yeah, now I remember.

Don't try to be happy by living in the past....

Live and be happy in the present

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

Hmmm, divorce is hard and i'm always sorry when someone had to go through it. What was it a wise person said once...........oh yeah, now I remember.

Don't try to be happy by living in the past....

Live and be happy in the present

Sounds like good advice trying. Thanks.

 

[mbb308]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

You hit on something that scares me the most. So many divorced people tell me they will never love that deeply again to protect themselves. I loved him so much, and to have that hatred and anger turned toward me, I felt like he tore my heart out. I want to love like that again, I don't want to hold back.

Me too....I want to abandon whatever, and just love....I am over my hate, and hers, too....and I still have a big dip of White Picket Fence in me....

 

[mbb308]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: divorce?

Hmmm, divorce is hard and i'm always sorry when someone had to go through it. What was it a wise person said once...........oh yeah, now I remember.

Don't try to be happy by living in the past....

Live and be happy in the present

As an old fart told me, "Boy, it's too late to have a better past...."
Bastard!!!! I hate it when they're right!!!!

 

[psyche]

sense

I am going to try to use this thread as a journal to organize my thoughts as I am going through this process. Since no one else has been posting here for a while I don't feel as if I am taking away from anyone's postings by doing this.

Yesterday after I vented my anger and hurt after a phone call, my husband came home from work with a bottle of wine. He opened the wine, made some appetizers, made me lie down and take a nap, and woke me up for dinner. He had gotten a movie for us to watch. He told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I am still numb in terms of my feelings for him, but only a stone would not wonder if there is a chance for us with him on medication and us getting some counseling. We have had a bad track record lately on the weekends, since we spend more time together. We'll see how this weekend goes. My attitude is one day at a time and watching as it unfolds.

 

[mbb308]

Re: sense

I am going to try to use this thread as a journal to organize my thoughts as I am going through this process. Since no one else has been posting here for a while I don't feel as if I am taking away from anyone's postings by doing this.

Yesterday after I vented my anger and hurt after a phone call, my husband came home from work with a bottle of wine. He opened the wine, made some appetizers, made me lie down and take a nap, and woke me up for dinner. He had gotten a movie for us to watch. He told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I am still numb in terms of my feelings for him, but only a stone would not wonder if there is a chance for us with him on medication and us getting some counseling. We have had a bad track record lately on the weekends, since we spend more time together. We'll see how this weekend goes. My attitude is one day at a time and watching as it unfolds.

I think you would always wonder if you didn't give it a try, and this is said by one w/ 2 divorces under his belt, and as one who never intended to in the first place....only a stone - good image....

One day at a time is how life comes to us, and the only way to fashion living it....makes it easy to organize, too....

I wonder about the medication....my guess is one of the new anti-depressants. I have seen people use those as the same type crutch they had used other things for, like booze, or other people, and so on. If counseling and an attempt to change at a core personal level are not happening, the medication is a crutch. If the changes are occurring, then the meds can ease the transition. I have seen people do both, and the results are obviously completely different.

My blessings and the best of luck to each of you, whatever happens. I hope communication improves, too...it is always at the core, and the basis for any successful togetherness....

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: sense

I think you would always wonder if you didn't give it a try, and this is said by one w/ 2 divorces under his belt, and as one who never intended to in the first place....only a stone - good image....

One day at a time is how life comes to us, and the only way to fashion living it....makes it easy to organize, too....

I wonder about the medication....my guess is one of the new anti-depressants. I have seen people use those as the same type crutch they had used other things for, like booze, or other people, and so on. If counseling and an attempt to change at a core personal level are not happening, the medication is a crutch. If the changes are occurring, then the meds can ease the transition. I have seen people do both, and the results are obviously completely different.

My blessings and the best of luck to each of you, whatever happens. I hope communication improves, too...it is always at the core, and the basis for any successful togetherness....

I don't know if you realize the value of your input. That is another reason I wanted to post this as I am going through it. It helps so much to have someone else's observations, sometimes it's hard to see everything when you are going through it. Thanks.

 

[mbb308]

sense

I don't know if you realize the value of your input. That is another reason I wanted to post this as I am going through it. It helps so much to have someone else's observations, sometimes it's hard to see everything when you are going through it. Thanks.

Well, yes, to a humble extent....my input is useless if I don't chime in, and this is a topic I have experience with, both as participant and spectator....we can never see all the forest when we are standing in a group of trees, or when we run headlong into one....I'll be happy to "share my experience, strength and hope", that it may save you a morsel of pain, or provide understanding sooner....anything too personal I can PM you about....I do have personal standards of decorum, and my details are my business, to be rationed prudently....write if I can be of service....

 

[psyche]

Re: sense

Well, yes, to a humble extent....my input is useless if I don't chime in, and this is a topic I have experience with, both as participant and spectator....we can never see all the forest when we are standing in a group of trees, or when we run headlong into one....I'll be happy to "share my experience, strength and hope", that it may save you a morsel of pain, or provide understanding sooner....anything too personal I can PM you about....I do have personal standards of decorum, and my details are my business, to be rationed prudently....write if I can be of service....

Your help is very much appreciated, thanks.

 

[mbb308]

Re: Re: sense

Your help is very much appreciated, thanks.

It's the least I can do, and never let it be said that I didn't do the very least I could....

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: sense

He told me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I am still numb in terms of my feelings for him, but only a stone would not wonder if there is a chance for us with him on medication and us getting some counseling.

1) Ask: does he want me, or does he not want to be alone. If he really does want you, then...
2) you also need to try as well, because he *may* be able to give you what you need. But you may need to...
3) be a bit of a pessimist... that way if he can't do what is needed you are prepared, yet if he can do what you need, it will be a wonderful bonus. But don't be so pessimistic that you wind up making your decision in advance.
4) Hold on if there is progress, but don't wait forever if there is no movement.
5) While it may be hard to find someone you are compatible with, 'a bird in hand is not always worth two in the bush' with love. Ask yourself if you can take being alone.
6) After time, look at the scale and see which option gives you the most opportunity for happiness, with him or without him.

And remember, while others impact us, we are the ones that ultimately decide if we are happy, so try to stay positive while this is all shaking out.

I hope this helps

 

[chewbacca71]

Well, I guess its time to come visit

I am in the end stages of a marriage before seperation. We have been together for almost 12 years now, married over 9. I am still madly in love with her and have a hard time understanding how things could be ending. I am pretty much lost most of the time, my moods swings are becoming intolerable. I found out recently that she was intentionally doing things to hurt me to make me hate her so that I would be able to get over her faster. We have since talked and things look like they will remain civil, which is important since we have three great kids. I am not looking forward to the freedom of being single, I would rather still be married to the woman that I have loved for so long. But I guess , I will have to learn to live without her and also the reduced time with my kids . I think that will be my biggest problem. I have spent a ton of time with my kids the last few months as I was working overnights and had the kids all the hours they were awake. Going from that to 4 days a month is going to be a nightmare. Just wanted to vent.

Chewey

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: sense

1) Ask: does he want me, or does he not want to be alone. If he really does want you, then...
2) you also need to try as well, because he *may* be able to give you what you need. But you may need to...
3) be a bit of a pessimist... that way if he can't do what is needed you are prepared, yet if he can do what you need, it will be a wonderful bonus. But don't be so pessimistic that you wind up making your decision in advance.
4) Hold on if there is progress, but don't wait forever if there is no movement.
5) While it may be hard to find someone you are compatible with, 'a bird in hand is not always worth two in the bush' with love. Ask yourself if you can take being alone.
6) After time, look at the scale and see which option gives you the most opportunity for happiness, with him or without him.

And remember, while others impact us, we are the ones that ultimately decide if we are happy, so try to stay positive while this is all shaking out.

I hope this helps

Thanks, wordsmithe. That's another reason I am posting this, it helps me to write things down and organize them looking at the positive and negative aspects. Keep in mind that I come from that wonderful alcoholic background which produces people who have always been alone anyway. I am very strong and the bad thing is that I can live alone, I have always felt that is an option, and that leads to my tendency to just say fuck it and walk away rather than trying to deal with the situation.

 

[psyche]

Re: Well, I guess its time to come visit

I am in the end stages of a marriage before seperation. We have been together for almost 12 years now, married over 9. I am still madly in love with her and have a hard time understanding how things could be ending. I am pretty much lost most of the time, my moods swings are becoming intolerable. I found out recently that she was intentionally doing things to hurt me to make me hate her so that I would be able to get over her faster. We have since talked and things look like they will remain civil, which is important since we have three great kids. I am not looking forward to the freedom of being single, I would rather still be married to the woman that I have loved for so long. But I guess , I will have to learn to live without her and also the reduced time with my kids . I think that will be my biggest problem. I have spent a ton of time with my kids the last few months as I was working overnights and had the kids all the hours they were awake. Going from that to 4 days a month is going to be a nightmare. Just wanted to vent.

Chewey

Chewey, I am so sorry that you are going through this. It's got to be much harder when you have children, we don't have any. Thanks for posting, and good luck to you.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: Re: sense

I come from that wonderful alcoholic background which produces people who have always been alone anyway. I am very strong and the bad thing is that I can live alone, I have always felt that is an option, and that leads to my tendency to just say fuck it and walk away rather than trying to deal with the situation.

Why is it in life that the easy thing to do is often not always the right thing to do? I hope you find the strength to stick around if you still want to give it a shot.

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: Re: Re: sense

Why is it in life that the easy thing to do is often not always the right thing to do? I hope you find the strength to stick around if you still want to give it a shot.

wordsmithe,
I do have the strength to stick it out. Right now I am not going to walk away from someone who I have been with for 20 years. He is extremely depressed and he is also having problems at work, if I walked out now I would never forgive myself. I think that I owe it to both of us to wait this out and see if he responds to the medications. We are also going to start seeing someone for counseling. I need to sort out my thoughts before I make any decisions. So I am not going to say it is over yet. It took 20 years to get where we are now, and most of those years were good. I want to see if I can ever rekindle the love I had for him, there is nothing there now, but I think it may be possible for me to get it back and only time will tell.

 

[psyche]

our weekend

Our weekend together was both good and bad. On Saturday, we both did some work and then we decided to run some errands. When we are in the car together he takes advantage of a captive audience. Even in his analysis of what is going on he goes back and forth in extremes. One minute he say he's totally to blame and that he realizes how badly he had been treating me, along with tears and deep regrets. The next minute it is all my fault and he wouldn't have treated me that way unless I have done something to deserve it. I keep telling him that it is the both of us together that has created this situation and that neither of us is to blame.

Anyway, I run into the store to pick something up and he waited in the parking lot after dropping me off. He told me he would park the car - just look for him when I come out. I came out of the store and saw a car like ours parked in the back of the lot. Assuming it is him I started walking toward it. Meanwhile he saw me come out of the store and became angry because I was heading in the wrong direction. He drove the car around and started beeping the horn over and over while driving right behind me. Well, I was so angry that I lost it. I told him that I was through with his shit and that I was tired of this chaos - going to the grocery store should not be a fucking source of controversy. He later apologized and said he was wrong, but what does it mean? I can't live like this anymore. I never know what's going to happen, I never know if he's going to be happy or depressed, I never know if he is going to lose his temper. Is this fucking sick or what? I am a happy person - how can you maintain any happiness with this going on? How can you trust that it won't happen again and again?

After that bad start, Sunday worked out ok. We did some work and then spend the afternoon at the zoo and we had a good time.

Wait it out, see what happens. One day tempers are going to flare and I will not be able to remember the good times.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: sense

I want to see if I can ever rekindle the love I had for him, there is nothing there now, but I think it may be possible for me to get it back and only time will tell.

You are a tough lady and I know you can do what you set out to do... break a leg!

 

[psyche]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: sense

You are a tough lady and I know you can do what you set out to do... break a leg!

Thanks so much, wordsmithe.