Divorce and Separation

[MissTaken]

It is a difficult decision when things are "okay."

We have three choices:

1) Continue in an "okay" existance for the sake of someone else.

2) Work with our someone else to make "okay" become "great." This takes time, energy and commitment on the part of both. It also takes a certain amount of humility which is difficult, not for the discontent partner, rather for the partner who thinks everything is as it should be.

3) Leave. Accept that in leaving we lose whatever we do have in our "okay" relationship and look for Nirvana. Some find it, some don't.

My point: there is no easy answer and certainly, when things are okay, i think it makes decision making much more difficult than when the spouse is a blatant ass.

Best wishes, Nicodermus.
We all deserve great, but sometimes the "evil we know is less frightening than the one we don't."

hugs

 

[wordsmithe]

It is a difficult decision when things are "okay."
...

Very well put, MissTaken.

We all know a person should leave an abusive relationship... but often it is hard even for the abused to break free. So one can imagine the conflicting arguments that plague someone in a less volatile, but also less than ideal personal relationship. At what point does neglect or indifference motivate us to abandon the status quo? For everyone, that will be a different answer.

It pains me when I hear of a spouse making a divorce messy because often it turns out to be less about fighting for what is fair, and more about trying to punish. Once a relationship is over, too many people try to replace their lost love with hate.

But the opposite of love is not hate; it's apathy.

Yes, we all deserve to be happy. The shame is that there is no 'undo' button on life if we make a decision; so too often we put it off. Maybe that is the right choice, the one that brings the most happiness, or at least, the least pain.

But it is that nagging feeling: what if?

 

[psyche]

dirfficulties

Another aspect that makes all of this hard is that there were good times. I used to adore my husband, my heart would burst with my love for him. Over the years he had ridiculed me, and turned on me so many times that when he tells me he loves me I could smack him. My heart does not feel the same, it has changed. When he tells me he loves me that's today right now and who in the hell knows how long this mood is going to last? But we had years of good times and he has pushed me to grow in ways that I wouldn't have without him. We have shared many moments of happiness and despair. As I look over the course of our marriage I feel that I have to support him and be tender to him because he feels so vulnerable, but when I ask for the same it isn't there for me. I am expected to take the criticisms and remarks and know that they don't mean anything, but they have meaning to me. He has a tendency to be depressed and when I am happy he sucks me into his mood by making a remark that of course he didn't mean in a critical way it's just that I took it that way. But it is as if he needs to knock me down, and start something to feel comfortable, and then he places the blame on me for my reaction. I don't even know who is right or wrong anymore and worse than that I am beginning to not care.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: dirfficulties

But it is as if he needs to knock me down, and start something to feel comfortable, and then he places the blame on me for my reaction. I don't even know who is right or wrong anymore and worse than that I am beginning to not care.

I guess from time to time we need to take responsibility for our own happiness. Don't let him drag you down; respect him for his gifts of the past but demand either understanding or peace and quiet when you need it.

I always thought the saying 'that misery loves company' should refer to interaction that helps raise the depressed person's mood; if he just wants to wallow, have him do with a therapist.

Find ways for you to have fun... include him if you like, but remember that you have needs too! Maybe read some of the humorous entries in lit!

 

[Richard49]

But it is that nagging feeling: what if?

"What if" is very seductive and misleading.
We can not change the past or the other person

 

[wordsmithe]

Perspective

A parable without a profound message

The female lion does over 90% of the hunting; the male lion's primary job then is to father cubs.

The male seahorse actually carries their mate’s eggs until they are ready to hatch, and the male penguin takes care of incubation duty.

Nature proves there is not a universal role for either sex, and both sexes have some role.

When the male and female Praying Mantis have finished mating, the female has no more need for the male, so she eats him for sustenance.

People should be able to behave better than base instincts because we can make *choices*...

If your partner, regardless of gender, is headed towards uselessness (or worse), I suppose we can offer them the chance to pull their weight either by helping with dinner, or by being dinner (in an allegorical fashion, I would hope).

Hopefully they will wise up, if not perhaps they will at least reduce burden they have placed on you.

Again, a parable without a profound message, but perhaps it delivered a smile.

 

[UnBonTipo]

psyche's plaint

psyche, you sound like my wife.

try loving him.

 

[psyche]

Re: psyche's plaint

psyche, you sound like my wife.

try loving him.

I have loved him for 20 years.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: psyche's plaint

I have loved him for 20 years.

From your earlier post, I see you love him. Psyche.. but if he loves you he has not figured out a good way to express it.

 

[callableborg]

Richard49

Can you tell me where this thread on 'being poly' is located?

I have serious doubts re. anyone being the perfect match for anyone else and find my own personal situation moving in this direction.

Touchy territory I admit but would like to see some postings on it.

Thanks.

 

[Richard49]

Re: Richard49

Can you tell me where this thread on 'being poly' is located?

I have serious doubts re. anyone being the perfect match for anyone else and find my own personal situation moving in this direction.

Touchy territory I admit but would like to see some postings on it.

Thanks.

http://www.literotica.com/forum/showthread.php?s=&threadid=82602&perpage=20&pagenumber=1

Here you go

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Dose of Inspiration

LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME

Jewlez, we need some more Inspiration!
PS How are you doing? Have you felt like writing lately?

 

[psyche]

still around?

Jewlez, we need some more Inspiration!
PS How are you doing? Have you felt like writing lately?

Hey wordsmithe are you still around?

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: still around?

Hey wordsmithe are you still around?

Yes, not going out for lunch today, just updating files on one of the six computers in my office

 

[psyche]

Re: still around?

Yes, not going out for lunch today, just updating files on one of the six computers in my office

I know I am being nosey, but what is your situation? I have found your responses to this thread to be highly intelligent and insightful. I just wanted to let you know that I have very much appreciated your input in this thread.

I'm sorry - I have missed some of the posts on this thread and I found your original post!

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: still around?

I know I am being nosey, but what is your situation? I have found your responses to this thread to be highly intelligent and insightful. I just wanted to let you know that I have very much appreciated your input in this thread.

It is hard to be nosey when everyone here is anonymous!

I lost my first wife to cancer at a young age, and being shy, I had trouble dating. I had a disasterous little fling with a lady that turned out to be married to a GI overseas, and who also had another boyfriend. And since all we shared was sex, not real friendship or love, plus the fact that I couldn't stand her not being more honest about what was going on, I left.

I suppose as a knee jerk reaction, I started dating a very reserved lady. To make a long story short, after several months of deciding we had a lot of fun together, we started getting intimate... and her BC didn't work; we married just before my oldest daughter was born.

I was working nights at the time, finishing degrees needed to teach at the college level, so I baby sat during the day, and went to night school. We didn't spend much time together, not to many opportunities to make love, but we did manage to bring another daughter into the world.

I thought when I started teaching that we would be able to make up for the lost passion that we missed due to our schedules.

Long story short, while she is a great morther, and we are good friends that never argue, the passion never came alive.

I try, but as I mentioned earlier, after being rejected so many times I sometimes avoid trying, as much as I would like to. And even when we do make love, she is a recipient only, never starting anything or doing anything for me. She does climax, she says she loves me... she just has no sex drive.

I am a hold hands, snuggle, pillow fight, sex when ever possible kind of person, and she is not.

I didn't have a father, he left when I was young, so I don't my daughters to grow up in that situation. I know that sometimes it is better for kids if the parents split because of fighting and so on, but that is not the case in my house... so I have been sticking it out, perhaps until my daughters are older.

I feel guilty that I let my lack of passion in my life make me even think about leaving... after all, I would rather have a friend who I get along with than take the chance of *perhaps* being able to satisfy my libido.

I need passion, but there has got to be more in a relationship. Intelligent conversation, similar likes, sharing travel, etc. But a relationship without passion has been very hard.

I hope this reply was not too long psyche

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: still around?

I have found your responses to this thread to be highly intelligent and insightful. I just wanted to let you know that I have very much appreciated your input in this thread.

Thank you for the compliment...

PS I use ICQ, but I am not always paying attention to it or the PM boards...

but leave a post if you want the number

 

[psyche]

Re: still around?

I hope this reply was not too long psyche

No, the reply was not too long. Sometimes life just doesn't seem to be fair. I hope that someday you can find someone to share your passion with.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: still around?

No, the reply was not too long. Sometimes life just doesn't seem to be fair. I hope that someday you can find someone to share your passion with.

The same to you, too

 

[wordsmithe]

Follow up

I'm considering ending a 10 year relationship and would love to watch a thread like this to learn what I'm getting myself into.
What I remember of being single was not fun. So I've really drug my feet.

So, has the thread helped?

 

[ANY1-4-69]

Ending a long relationship

My name is Dave and isnt this a hard situatuiin to admit to be in and harder to deal with. I have been in a marriage for 13.5 years and the last 51 monthes has been a dry relationship. My spouse ,about 4 yrs ago , told me i was not to touch her, sleep with her nor share "her" space with her. When i asked why, i would get the "Idont want to talk about it" or the "You know why" lines , so being one to allow her feelings and thoughts to sort them selves out, moved to the couch. During these last 4 years plus , it got to the point of where she didnt even want me to see her nude , or partially nude. I asked her through the YEARS what is it that is breaking us up and she told me nothing . Now i guess i am old fashion but i stayed faithful and well dry waiting and last October , w3hile i was layed up, she told me by and took my son and moved out. Now we are or at least i have been keeping this as friendly as possible and has stayed to my wedding vows , again [foolish huh] seeing if she would realize what she is doing . Then came the night that i got my answer, finding her in the sack with some1 else, now if this been many years ago b4 all our problems started , I would have invited another person , but when you are told that sex isnt on her mind,she is through with sex and the ever popular-you never satisfied me speech- only to see her fucking another man really hurt. So where am I today,well sometimes this is easy to accept and i wish her the best and other days i get so mad and cant accept what she has done. But , there are 2 sides to the coin and i must accept that i am partially to blame but where and what for , i do not know. well i am done with my novel, thanks for letting me take up some of your thread Dave[available 24/7]

 

[Guest]

Dave

Your story rings a bell with me. I think you have to accept the rupture in a complete manner and move on from there as best you can. This, I believe, is forced - fate does not leave you with a viable alternative.

Anger sometimes? But anger at what? An ex that no longer exists? Reality in general? Energy here that could be directed elsewhere.

Also feeling that you are somehow to blame, at least in part.

Do you have fog in Texas?

Logic of you being partly to blame infers that if you could discover the error of your ways you could somehow correct the situation. Got gas in the time machine?

Personally I have gone over my own record in my marriage and have concluded that I was simply 'guilty' of being myself. Can't do much with that.

Sorry about catching her with another guy. All I ever got was seeing her get into the front seat of a vehicle that the little incect was driving.

 

[callableborg]

previous

Excuse me. My registration seems to have left for the weekend or something.

Previous post by callableborg.

 

[psyche]

Re: Ending a long relationship

My name is Dave and isnt this a hard situatuiin to admit to be in and harder to deal with. I have been in a marriage for 13.5 years and the last 51 monthes has been a dry relationship. My spouse ,about 4 yrs ago , told me i was not to touch her, sleep with her nor share "her" space with her. When i asked why, i would get the "Idont want to talk about it" or the "You know why" lines , so being one to allow her feelings and thoughts to sort them selves out, moved to the couch. During these last 4 years plus , it got to the point of where she didnt even want me to see her nude , or partially nude. I asked her through the YEARS what is it that is breaking us up and she told me nothing . Now i guess i am old fashion but i stayed faithful and well dry waiting and last October , w3hile i was layed up, she told me by and took my son and moved out. Now we are or at least i have been keeping this as friendly as possible and has stayed to my wedding vows , again [foolish huh] seeing if she would realize what she is doing . Then came the night that i got my answer, finding her in the sack with some1 else, now if this been many years ago b4 all our problems started , I would have invited another person , but when you are told that sex isnt on her mind,she is through with sex and the ever popular-you never satisfied me speech- only to see her fucking another man really hurt. So where am I today,well sometimes this is easy to accept and i wish her the best and other days i get so mad and cant accept what she has done. But , there are 2 sides to the coin and i must accept that i am partially to blame but where and what for , i do not know. well i am done with my novel, thanks for letting me take up some of your thread Dave[available 24/7]

My take on this type of situation is that if a partner refuses to communicate and tell you what you did wrong or that they don't want to talk about it, your responsibility for the bad situation diminishes. If a person expects you to read their mind that is dysfucntional, and they will take that dyfucnction with them into their next relationship and will be doomed to failure. No one will be able to ever read their mind and anticipate what they want or need or what they have been angered by. It is sad to say but you have to tell yourself that you deserve better treatment and that you are better off without her and her problems.

 

[Ladybird]

Love and hugs to everyone here. We're all going thru tough times and need support where ever we can find it.

I've been separated 9mths from a 30yr marriage. It's hard.. really hard. Although I'd never go back, there's so much that I miss.

But I can assure you all that it does get easier, and you do get stronger. And with that strenght comes happiness that you'd forgotten existed.

Just do the one day a time thingie.. and before you know it, time has passed and you are better.

Sharon x