Divorce and Separation

[sortacurious]

Re: richard49/curious

Have never tried to re-start a relationship with anyone.

How would you define where you got closure with someone and where fresh horizons began?

Seems closure is clearer going from one person to another than it is with the same person.

I've been thinking about your question all morning. I've never had an ex (of any major relationship) that didn't eventual want to come back into my life. It feels too much like stepping backward instead of moving forward. I'm thinking maybe I've never had proper closure before. There's always either been loose ends that needed dealing with down the road, or we've remained friends and kept in touch. Maybe if "when it's over, it's over" were to happen, closure could also take place. I guess I mean to say...I haven't a clue . Forgiving, I'm sure plays are part in it all, it's the only part I've gotten to, I think.

 

[acus2002]

Separated

Thanks for starting this thread too.....I am separated, physically was the hard part. My ex-wife and I were mentally separated along time ago, but with two GREAT kids, it was hard to follow through on the physical part. I made the move but it was hard. But always looking to have friends to talk with

A

 

[sortacurious]

Re: Separated

Thanks for starting this thread too.....I am separated, physically was the hard part. My ex-wife and I were mentally separated along time ago, but with two GREAT kids, it was hard to follow through on the physical part. I made the move but it was hard. But always looking to have friends to talk with

A

Good luck to you and your kids!

 

[acus2002]

Thanks

 

[callableborg]

sortacurious/mystery of closure

Cannot say I fully understand closure or whether I have fully attained it in the past.

Richard49 says that "lots of people try the 'person to person cure' without closure with the first person"

I figure that when you are involved you share on all levels. Locations, people, objects, feelings - you are involved in the magic of unity. If it fails I run. New people, new places - anything to get away from the oppression of failure and anxiety.

My wife was once the light and centre of my life but now I rarely even think of her. Although she lives just 3 blocks away I never see her and only hear from her when she wants money for something for the kids. Now reduced to - hassle { how much } get rid of her.

The "person to person cure" holds the key for me. If you can meet someone who rings your bells, even a little, its like the touch of an angel that can extract you from the dilemma of your past.

Not sure what I'm talking about here either. Intuition - closure is something you impose by internal decree - someone/us is history, past and gone -grow away. Works best when someone is calling.

Difficult to verbalize.

 

[Jewelz]

*deep breath*

Ive come for some emotional support and with help on what to expect..how to justify my feelings...etc etc...

Ive been married for 8 years, but we have been together for 14. Ive done everything I could think of to save the marriage. We decided yesterday to seperate. We have alot of details to work out. But Im scared. Lots of things factor into this decision and its not one that was made lightly. I think I am overwhelmed with an enormous amount of guilt, but in some sick and twisted way...Im relieved.

I might be hanging out here quite a bit...thanks for letting me vent *hugs*

 

[MissTaken]

Jewelz, luvvie!


*hugs and kisses*

I have a tear in my eye as I type this. I hvae watched your struggle on the boards and am here for you.

PM me if you want to talk.

I am off to work shortly but will be back later.


More hugs sweetie!

 

[Bluesboy2]

I guess I am lucky

I was divorced years ago. We truly loved each other but even that isnt always enough. Hardest lesson I ever learned...
Anyway, we are now the best of friends. The moral is that just because you are in love doesnt mean you can live togather. And just because it ends doesnt always mean you have to hate each other.
I truly wish each and every one of you the peace of mind and contenetment that you need *Hugs all of you*
One last word of painfully learned wisdom.
A bad relationship is far worse than no realtionship.

 

[Jewelz]

Jewelz, luvvie!


*hugs and kisses*

I have a tear in my eye as I type this. I hvae watched your struggle on the boards and am here for you.

PM me if you want to talk.

I am off to work shortly but will be back later.

More hugs sweetie!

*hugs* sweet Miss T

thank you. so very much. i cant tell you how much it means to me to have you there!!!

 

[Jewelz]

Re: I guess I am lucky

I was divorced years ago. We truly loved each other but even that isnt always enough. Hardest lesson I ever learned...
Anyway, we are now the best of friends. The moral is that just because you are in love doesnt mean you can live togather. And just because it ends doesnt always mean you have to hate each other.
I truly wish each and every one of you the peace of mind and contenetment that you need *Hugs all of you*
One last word of painfully learned wisdom.
A bad relationship is far worse than no realtionship.

Thank you Blues. Very great words of wisdom. *hugs*

That is one thing he and I totally agreed on yesterday. That we would remain best friends regardless and that it would never get ugly...nothing was worth getting ugly over. we still want our daughters to know that he and i love each other. but couldnt be together right now. and i am so grateful that we can remain civil and still be in each others lives.

 

[Richard49]

*deep breath*

Ive come for some emotional support and with help on what to expect..how to justify my feelings...etc etc...

Ive been married for 8 years, but we have been together for 14. Ive done everything I could think of to save the marriage. We decided yesterday to seperate. We have alot of details to work out. But Im scared. Lots of things factor into this decision and its not one that was made lightly. I think I am overwhelmed with an enormous amount of guilt, but in some sick and twisted way...Im relieved.

I might be hanging out here quite a bit...thanks for letting me vent *hugs*

As always I am here for you

(((hugs)))

 

[Richard49]

Cyndi left me the end of Sept.

The middle of Dec she demanded a divorce

told me if I did not file in Michigan by April 1 that she would file in Texas

I files March 19...she was severved April 1

In my complaint I wrote it as we had agreed

the first surprise was she desputered our agreements

Satuday nights mail brought a letter from an attorny in Texas saying he was represrnting her that another attorny here was helping...the attorney here is a man that is the only person I ever threaten to kill.......

If a man ever figures out the mind of a woman ... well....

I keep reminding myself of Exlax
This to shall pass

 

[Jewelz]

As always I am here for you

(((hugs)))

*hugs* thank you Richard.

Im sorry about the mishap you have learned about.. ugh!! You are right, this too shall pass....and what doesnt kill us will make us stronger .. (sometimes i doubt that)

 

[Bluesboy2]

That is a wonderful thing Jewelz

I read a lot of your posts. You are a really sweet person. Obviously very well loved here. I offer any help I can tp people I dont even know. I know a few words really arent much but its all I have.
My life has been such that I have learned a greatd deal of humility and humbleness the hard way. It has served me well.
I am really sincere in my wish for everyone. I know you dont know me but feel free to PM anytime.
*Hugs*

 

[Richard49]

*hugs* thank you Richard.

Im sorry about the mishap you have learned about.. ugh!! You are right, this too shall pass....and what doesnt kill us will make us stronger .. (sometimes i doubt that)

Sometimes I doubt it also
than something positive happens

I try to look at this stuff and ask
"what am I to learn from this?"

 

[acus2002]

separation

I have been separated for 5 months now and I went through the same thing....feeling guilty and then relieved. We agreed on the same issues to keep the kids out of it and make all the decisions for their own sake. Both of our families think we are nuts the way we act with each other....in fact my sister in law told my ex....."why do you let him come and go as he pleases....just for the kids sake????? He is taking advantage of you."

PM me if you want to talk, I am a sympathetic ear

 

[Jewelz]

Re: That is a wonderful thing Jewelz

I read a lot of your posts. You are a really sweet person. Obviously very well loved here. I offer any help I can tp people I dont even know. I know a few words really arent much but its all I have.
My life has been such that I have learned a greatd deal of humility and humbleness the hard way. It has served me well.
I am really sincere in my wish for everyone. I know you dont know me but feel free to PM anytime.
*Hugs*

Thank you for your kind words. You also seem very sweet. It makes it easier to have people that understand what I am going through and how I feel. *hugs*

 

[Jewelz]

Sometimes I doubt it also
than something positive happens

I try to look at this stuff and ask
"what am I to learn from this?"

There is alot of positive going on for me during this all. But I cant help but still feel like shit. I worry about him still. Its not that easy to turn the other cheek. I will always care about him and love him. No matter what life throws our way.

And Yeah, I do try to find the positive in each situation, its just sometimes, my glasses arent rose colored and I get caught up in the "whys" of things.

 

[Jewelz]

Re: separation

I have been separated for 5 months now and I went through the same thing....feeling guilty and then relieved. We agreed on the same issues to keep the kids out of it and make all the decisions for their own sake. Both of our families think we are nuts the way we act with each other....in fact my sister in law told my ex....."why do you let him come and go as he pleases....just for the kids sake????? He is taking advantage of you."

PM me if you want to talk, I am a sympathetic ear

thank you for that i wish you all the best too. life is so precious and so short. i dont want to hurt anyone in the process, but i cant lose myself any more than i have.

 

[callableborg]

jewelz

14 years is a long time, this is not going to be over with in a few days.

"Overwhelming feelings of guilt" How so? I think that in many relationships one partner is a 'fixer' whereas the other is passive. That is when things derail the same partner always jumps up to right the ship. Not the way it ought to be but if you've been the designated fixer and things in the end have failed do you really deserve the sentense of 'guilt'? Bigger picture of shared responsibility here.

Relieved? God I hope so. Trying to carry a burden that cannot be carried is damaging not only to yourself but to all around you.
Resolution of a major issue should be lighter than air, an opening for better possibilities.

"A bad relationship is worse than no relationship at all" Extremely true. The "bad" one sucks up time, attention, energy, self-esteem and tosses back only frustration and despair. Also prohibits the growth of healthy alternatives.

I think if you can have a civil relationship with your ex with a common agreement re. the welfare of the kids you have all you need. This 'best friends' thing seems like too much hassle for me. Ever since I've given my ex child support by direct deposit I have'nt heard a peep out of her. Dont really need her 'presence' in my life right now.

Thanks for posting, this is a solid thread although it has been dormant for awhile.

 

[~Dream~]

With Artful's permissioon,

I have been married (this is the 4th time) to my husband for almost 6 yrs(in dec)5 yrs of it He was in prison(long story).
I am soon to divorce Him and am very much in love with my online Master Artful, however I do see the potential of us remaining good friends as He was there for me to hold my hand when I was in emergency room last nite(see Jewelz playhouse or Midwest thread )for details..I must sy that , that meant ALOT to me..

 

[Jewelz]

Borg,
The feelings of guilt are that "did i really try to make it work"..and i already know that answer. I have tried for many many years. I have done everything I can think of. He shut down emotionally and communication was little to none. OTher than what "needed' to be discussed. He isnt very good at showing emotion or affection. I NEED that in my life. I feel guilty wondering if I am doing the right thing...but I know I am. so much has happened to really not be where we ended up last night.

im not sure "best of friends" is the best wording. but we definately will remain friends. i care about him a great deal...always will. he truly is a good man.

 

[Nicodemus]

Just bumping this up so I can come back and find it easily and finish reading.

Nic,

 

[callableborg]

richard49

Post re. Cyndi.

I have a thing here.

When I split up with my ex it seemed to me that she was living in an entirely different world than myself. It was not a matter of me not caring or being insensitive or whatever it was just that she was coming from somewhere totally beyond my life.

I see this in your post. Plan A: come up with an agreement, file in Michigan, proceed as responsible adults.

But what happens is plan B. For no apparent reason there is now no agreement, she files in Texas and God knows what happens next.

I think this is not a matter of 'understanding the mind of women' but more dealing with 'insane' - an unpredictable active other who operates from a romote unknown location.

Comment?

 

[Richard49]

Re: richard49

Post re. Cyndi.

I have a thing here.

When I split up with my ex it seemed to me that she was living in an entirely different world than myself. It was not a matter of me not caring or being insensitive or whatever it was just that she was coming from somewhere totally beyond my life.

I see this in your post. Plan A: come up with an agreement, file in Michigan, proceed as responsible adults.

But what happens is plan B. For no apparent reason there is now no agreement, she files in Texas and God knows what happens next.

I think this is not a matter of 'understanding the mind of women' but more dealing with 'insane' - an unpredictable active other who operates from a romote unknown location.

Comment?

I filed in Michigan on March 19 based on here threat to file in texas April first if I had not files.

I filed based on what she had agrered to

She is now disputing settlement and has hired the attorneys