Divorce and Separation

[callableborg]

richard49

Hmmm. O.K.

In any case an unexpected rupture here. Property involved I assume, seems to attract layers.

 

[Ladybird]

We separated October last year after a 30yr marriage.

It was a nightmare.. family and friends couldn't understand, they thought the marriage was solid. But of course they couldn't see inside and see just what was happening.

Most of the backlash was directed at me as I was the one who initiated the break. Even my children wouldn't speak to me.

The first couple of months on my own were the worst I've ever been thru.

But one good thing that we did was to arrange property settlement while we were still on good terms with on another <we still are>.

So we had a lawyer draw up the settlement and had them lodged with the Family Court here. So the nastiness is now behind us. Once we've been separated 12 months we can then file for a divorce, which will be straight forward as the property has already been settled.

Things are improving and I'm growing daily. While it's been a nightmare at times, I know that it was for the best for all of us.

 

[Richard49]

Re: richard49

Hmmm. O.K.

In any case an unexpected rupture here. Property involved I assume, seems to attract layers.

We owe much more than we have in assets
Like I said I do not understand any of this
other than she is trying to mind fuck me

 

[Jewelz]

Is it normal to keep swinging in moods?? I mean. At one time I am happy. A few hours later, I get a serious rage of guilt. Then another time I am sad for the losses. I feel like a failure. Like I coulda done more...but really, could i have? *Sigh* Im still scared. And guilt plays a huge part in that fear. I hate feeling so mixed up emotionally.

 

[Richard49]

Is it normal to keep swinging in moods?? I mean. At one time I am happy. A few hours later, I get a serious rage of guilt. Then another time I am sad for the losses. I feel like a failure. Like I coulda done more...but really, could i have? *Sigh* Im still scared. And guilt plays a huge part in that fear. I hate feeling so mixed up emotionally.

Yes mood swings are normal

 

[Jewelz]

Yes mood swings are normal

i hate it!

 

[Richard49]

i hate it!

Go with them
Remember the good moods
they give U hope
when the bad moods come

 

[Jewelz]

Go with them
Remember the good moods
they give U hope
when the bad moods come

very true. thanks for the perspective. i just hate feeling guilty.

 

[Richard49]

very true. thanks for the perspective. i just hate feeling guilty.

Make a list of all U did wrong and all U did right in the last year of marrage

 

[Jewelz]

Make a list of all U did wrong and all U did right in the last year of marrage

ive done that mentally. the list of "right" is longer. but the "wrong" (although it feels right at this point) weighs heavily on me.

 

[Richard49]

ive done that mentally. the list of "right" is longer. but the "wrong" (although it feels right at this point) weighs heavily on me.

Write it down on paper
Look at not only the bhavor but also the core beliefs behind them
and the payoff U wanted and the payoff U got

 

[Jewelz]

Write it down on paper
Look at not only the bhavor but also the core beliefs behind them
and the payoff U wanted and the payoff U got

i will give it a try...*Sigh*

thanks for listening and offering advice richard *hugs*

 

[Richard49]

i will give it a try...*Sigh*

thanks for listening and offering advice richard *hugs*

My advice is free
maybe U are getting nothing more than the price U are paying
but it has helped me and many others

Also many areas have divorce and seperation support groups

 

[Jewelz]

My advice is free
maybe U are getting nothing more than the price U are paying
but it has helped me and many others

Also many areas have divorce and seperation support groups

I think it is all so fresh and just now settling itself inside me..yanno? Plus, hubby and I need to talk more about everything. Nothing is concreted yet....gotta find out some answers from him and move on from there.

 

[wordsmithe]

Drifting

This is a very interesting and complex thread; I hope that a newbie’s comments will be tolerated.

I see that a common topic is spouse suddenly changing. While traumatic, at least that can supply a good reason to make a needed change, such as to protect children.

But people also just change over time, and 2 people may not wind up on the same page after 10 years. This can be potentially worse, and questions about the quality of the children’s life and how it might be affected become more obscure.

We are all molded by our circumstances, and we react based on our experiences. My father left when I was 8, and I promised myself I would never do that. Now, I find that not only can I not disappear, but I don’t want to miss a single day with them.

My wife is a friend, a great mother, we both enjoy travel, and we don't fight; but to me, marriage should be more. I know I have it pretty good, compared to a lot of people, so I shouldn't say anything. But still...

My wife has no desire to go out; she enjoys staying at home unless we all go do something. (Advanced as my daughters are, they aren't allowed into jazz clubs or ‘R’ movies, and there are only so many books to read at Barnes and Noble.)

My wife would prefer I stay home to keep the girls on their homework and piano practice but she tolerates my evening teaching at the University and my additional Doctoral classes as it impacts my income and potential. And while I love interacting with my classes, the need for professional behavior keeps me from any fullfilling activites at school.

I know that most people would love to be in this position: no fights and happy children… but lately I have been feeling guilty because I want more.

There has been very little passion since my youngest was born, and after awhile I just stopped trying because of the rejections... I am a sucker for mushy stuff, walking under the stars hand in hand, laughing, pillow fights, fun. I miss that.

Thus the dilemma that too many have to face, should I stay with a less than perfect situation, or try to get more, and perhaps loose what happiness I have.

To all of you here, I sympathize with your situations, and I am glad to see that you have built up some friendships to carry you through.

Whoa, very long post... sorry

 

[Jewelz]

wordsmithe! of course you will be tolerated and welcomed here! your post made perfect sense and it is somewhat my exact situation...except, not all that happiness is oozing here. He does yell way too much! However, I have stayed because I did (still do) feel guilty about wanting and needing more. I miss all the romance and fun and just being desired. I want to know that I am loved and wanted!! It became very mundane and we were both just going through the motions. Denying our unhappiness would be like denying us a breath.

I have been living my life for the happiness of others, not once taking time to ensure my own happiness from within. Of course, I was willing to sacrifice because all I ever wanted was to be a wife and mom. But giving sooo much of myself and getting next to nothing in return has taken a toll on my spirit and my heart.

I wish you well and hope that you dont have to have this ongoing battle in your mind of "what if" and can find out what is best to do for YOU. Stay content and be less satisfied or move on...it is a decision that needs to be made from alot of soul searching.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re Jewelz

wordsmithe! of course you will be tolerated and welcomed here! your post made perfect sense and it is somewhat my exact situation...except, not all that happiness is oozing here. He does yell way too much!

Sometimes I think too many men are a waste of their mother's genetic material... any kind of abuse is uncalled for...

However, I have stayed because I did (still do) feel guilty about wanting and needing more. I miss all the romance and fun and just being desired. I want to know that I am loved and wanted!! It became very mundane and we were both just going through the motions. Denying our unhappiness would be like denying us a breathI have been living my life for the happiness of others, not once taking time to ensure my own happiness from within. Of course, I was willing to sacrifice because all I ever wanted was to be a wife and mom. But giving sooo much of myself and getting next to nothing in return has taken a toll on my spirit and my heart.

It is a shame that he made you choose between the family and romance... it must be very hard for you.

For the time being, writing is my therapy... I hope you have some coping strategies too

 

[psyche]

I hate this thread!

Damn, I came to lit for fun.

I have been married for 20 years and I was completely happy in my marriage. I can't really pin point exactly when things started to fall apart. My family background is totally dysfunctional, my father was an alcoholic - my siblings and I are the casualties of that fucked up family. I did my share in killing what we had. My husband is a great guy, and he has a multitude of good qualities, but he is also hypercritical, moody, and very high maintainence. I can't be in a different room in my own house without him wondering what I am doing. His need for attention is draining. I married him for love, and I didn't get married until I was 27 years old, when I think of how much I loved him it makes me sick, because if I am honest with myself that love is gone. He is constantly driven, to the point that he makes himself sick. We have more than I ever thought we would but it really doesn't mean anything, because it's like a yoke on our backs. He won't admit it but his love for me is gone too. He has the energy to do other things but we don't have sex anymore. If we do, it's a job for him and nothing more.

I think the only reason he is staying in this marriage is that he does not want to lose what he has worked for and he has a real worry about the way things appear to other people. But I am really getting tired of the work. I am a generally happy person and I come home and listen to him and his negative mood and his attacks. I hate weekends which should be a sign, I would rather work seven days a week than come home. This summer should be interesting because I don't work the summers, if we make it through this summer it will be a miracle.

I was staying away from this thread because I knew it would be painful.

 

[Jewelz]

Re: Re Jewelz

Sometimes I think too many men are a waste of their mother's genetic material... any kind of abuse is uncalled for...
It is a shame that he made you choose between the family and romance... it must be very hard for you.

For the time being, writing is my therapy... I hope you have some coping strategies too

I was verbally and emotionally abused and you are right, there is no call for it. any kind. ive been seriously scarred for life. my personality is affected by what happened to me. yes, i could just move on, but that is almost impossible. at this point in my life anyway. and i dont want my daughters growing up to be like me.

and yes, life is very hard on me right now. i am literally getting physically sick due to stress and worry. no fun.

ive been writing. started my first ever long story yesterday! havent felt like touching it today cuz im not feeling well. but its been fun. thanks for your post!

 

[Jewelz]

Re: I hate this thread!

Damn, I came to lit for fun.


I was staying away from this thread because I knew it would be painful.

psyche, i really dont know what to say in response to your post. but please know you are in my thoughts. i can understand you feeling the way you do. and it surely is very painful. just be true to your heart so you can carry on and not settle. *hugs*

 

[psyche]

Thanks

psyche, i really dont know what to say in response to your post. but please know you are in my thoughts. i can understand you feeling the way you do. and it surely is very painful. just be true to your heart so you can carry on and not settle. *hugs*

Sometimes just knowing that someone out there is listening is comforting, thanks for the response.

 

[Jewelz]

Re: Thanks

Sometimes just knowing that someone out there is listening is comforting, thanks for the response.

definately listening...and iffn ya ever wanna talk about it privately, im a PM away.

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: I hate this thread!

Damn, I came to lit for fun...
I was staying away from this thread because I knew it would be painful.

I found that just getting it out helped alleviate some of the pain... I hope you are finding that as well. THen it is much easier to have fun

 

[wordsmithe]

Re: Re: Re Jewelz

I've been writing. started my first ever long story yesterday! havent felt like touching it today cuz im not feeling well. but its been fun. thanks for your post!

I hope you start feeling better, and I can't wait to read you story

 

[psyche]

Re: I hate this thread!

I found that just getting it out helped alleviate some of the pain... I hope you are finding that as well. THen it is much easier to have fun

Yes, you're right of course. Thanks for listening.