Defining Love

[dervish469]

friendship

Of course, all the things I wrote in the post above are integral to a real FRIEND. So, those who have written that friendship is a basis of love are right-on. Afterall, what is a true friend? It is someone who knows everything about you, and likes you anyway!

 

[midwestyankee]

WOW WW. and that is so true. If only one person works at the relationship in all aspects then there is lots of bitterness that happens. I for one can relate as I was the giver in the relationship while my now ex wife was the taker. The person I am involved with now is so different. She is a giver also. Funny how when two givers get together after being with takers our whole lives, it reaLLY TAKES A LOT OF GETTING USED TO. Neither of us are used to being on the receiving side. But slowly we both are getting used to it is a way. It is actually fun giving when you can tell the other person truly doies appreciate it. And after never being on that side it is truly enjoyable

MR, you have spoken volumes here. For a loving relationship to work it must be well balanced over time. Too much of anything from one partner balanced against too little of the same from the other will, it seems to me, lead to cancerous problems. Of course, one of the real challenges comes when a natural giver and a natural taker join up. Likely neither one will recognize the imbalance for a very long time. But when one of them sees the light, it may be the blinding flash of a the relationship imploding before his eyes.

 

[dervish469]

givers

I too live with a giver. I am neither a giver or a taker - I guess I straddle that fence. The problem that I have to "handle" at times is how much my wife gives to others. At times I have to remind myself that she is the most incredible person I have ever known, and a huge part of who she is ... is giving to everyone, not just to our family *S*. It is easy when I look at it that way, instead of being jealous of others who also benefit from her giving.

 

[midwestyankee]

Re: foundations of love

I posted this on another thread, but I think it applies more here than there *S* -

It took me 40 years and many, many failures, but I have found true love. I love all the flowery, poetic things that everyone writes, I really do. But there are three simple, non-poetic things that I feel are integral to true love. They are A). unconditional acceptance of the other person - never wanting to change them. You just have to have that feeling about them. B). a passionate desire to be close to them. This has nothing to do with sex, it has everything to do with "her/him" - it is undefinable, untrainable, uncoachabe ... it just is. C). total respect for who he/she is and what they feel. You don't have to agree and you don't have to like what they feel, but you have to respect it.

I don't mean to reduce this wonderful thread to an intellectual discussion, but I have found something very, very rare and awesome and I think sharing what the foundation of that is has value.

Now --- back to the poetry of love! *S*

Dervish, you have hardly reduced "this wonderful thread to an intellectual discussion" since much of it has been that all along.

Thanks for sharing your beliefs with us. Unconditional acceptance is certainly an important part of a solid love, but I think one of the dangers in this shows up when one partner begins to grow emotionally or spiritually while the other does not. I can accept my partner as she is, but I must also desire that she continue to grow throughout her life for that is her purpose in life (one of them anyway).

The desire for intimacy must be balanced with a desire to give intimacy. I can, unfortunately, speak at length about the dangers of this imbalance.

I like what you said about respect for your beloved. We can disagree, but if I feel she holds a position or takes an action that she did not examine against her own principles, then she may lose some of my respect. Over time, loss of respect will surely erode the relationship.

 

[dervish469]

ah - well said

Yankee - yes, wanting people you care about to grow and become more is integral - I agee. Although I do believe that most people have their core integrity established by their late twenties. So, although the grow as a person, they don't don't change who they are. Maturing comes at different times for each person.

 

[dervish469]

loss of respect

Yankee - You are right that if someone does make choices or becomes someone who is not in alignment with who they were (hmm, I need to work on the wording of that sentence), then respect can be diminished. On the other hand, I don't think this happens often with a mature person who has gained my respect through being true to themselves. Dunno, but seems that way.

 

[midwestyankee]

Re: ah - well said

Yankee - yes, wanting people you care about to grow and become more is integral - I agee. Although I do believe that most people have their core integrity established by their late twenties. So, although the grow as a person, they don't don't change who they are. Maturing comes at different times for each person.

Indeed I believe you're right. For the most part we are who we are from an early age. However, many of us do not really flourish for a long time. And when we do, it may well be parts of us that were long in hibernation that become our hallmarks later in life.

Example: my wife has always been the shy and retiring sort. She was never active in competitive sports. In the last year or so she has taken up running. Now we find that she constantly strives to match my running times. A competitive side is emerging that is starting to spread elsewhere in her life to good effect. It's helping make her more proactive in her work. So while this is growth that hardly anyone could have predicted, it came from a quiet place within her.

 

[jazey_43]

.


Hey Guys...guess who has a B-day tomorrow!!!...Yup....MR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please stop by his B-day thread and wish him the best!!!

(i wish i knew how to add the link...sorry)

 

[MysteriousRomantic]

MR, you have spoken volumes here. For a loving relationship to work it must be well balanced over time. Too much of anything from one partner balanced against too little of the same from the other will, it seems to me, lead to cancerous problems. Of course, one of the real challenges comes when a natural giver and a natural taker join up. Likely neither one will recognize the imbalance for a very long time. But when one of them sees the light, it may be the blinding flash of a the relationship imploding before his eyes.

I totally agree with you here. And then some times the two get complacent and the blinding flash or realization never occurs until they are way too old to even want to start all over. Then they live together miserable without caring for each other. I am sorry but that is no way to live.

 

[MysteriousRomantic]

MR, you have spoken volumes here. For a loving relationship to work it must be well balanced over time. Too much of anything from one partner balanced against too little of the same from the other will, it seems to me, lead to cancerous problems. Of course, one of the real challenges comes when a natural giver and a natural taker join up. Likely neither one will recognize the imbalance for a very long time. But when one of them sees the light, it may be the blinding flash of a the relationship imploding before his eyes.

I totally agree with you here. And then some times the two get complacent and the blinding flash or realization never occurs until they are way too old to even want to start all over. Then they live together miserable without caring for each other. I am sorry but that is no way to live.

 

[midwestyankee]

I totally agree with you here. And then some times the two get complacent and the blinding flash or realization never occurs until they are way too old to even want to start all over. Then they live together miserable without caring for each other. I am sorry but that is no way to live.

I couldn't agree more. That would be no way to live at all.

 

[MysteriousRomantic]

I couldn't agree more. That would be no way to live at all.

the sad paRT about it is that I know way too many people who are living that way. You only get out of a relationship what you put into it. You chose not to work at it you get nothing in return.

 

[midwestyankee]

the sad paRT about it is that I know way too many people who are living that way. You only get out of a relationship what you put into it. You choose not to work at it you get nothing in return.

It seems to me that one of the real difficulties in some unbalanced relationships is that one partner can, in fact, get more out of it than he or she puts in. When a taker is involved with a giver, it's not unusual for the taker to absorb much of the oxygen in the relationship. And in so doing, she may very well threaten the life of the flame itself.

 

[MysteriousRomantic]

It seems to me that one of the real difficulties in some unbalanced relationships is that one partner can, in fact, get more out of it than he or she puts in. When a taker is involved with a giver, it's not unusual for the taker to absorb much of the oxygen in the relationship. And in so doing, she may very well threaten the life of the flame itself.

Oh that is so true. Then sometimes it causes the other to look elsewhere for what they are missing in their current love. *sighs*

 

[midwestyankee]

Oh that is so true. Then sometimes it causes the other to look elsewhere for what they are missing in their current love. *sighs*

Truer words have rarely been spoken.

 

[MysteriousRomantic]

Truer words have rarely been spoken.

thanks. I have seen it first hand also. So sad.

 

[Feistyred16]

Thank You Yankee for this place...
Lots of views, although I'm not always in agreement with everything I read here...its been enlighting...

 

[midwestyankee]

Thank You Yankee for this place...
Lots of views, although I'm not always in agreement with everything I read here...its been enlighting...

It has been my pleasure, Feisty. Thank you for dropping by.

And please, feel free to offer a dissenting view or two (or three). We love discussion here and if we all agreed there just wouldn't be all that much to talk about, would there?

 

[Shoshisexy]

*LOL* I once broke up with a guy because he never disagreed with me...

It was incredibly boring, I found out after a couple days.

Now...when love is involved...one can have dissenting opinions without judgement of the other. I think being non judgemental toward a loved one is very important to the relationship. I am not saying that one never judges...we are all human. But we can allow these judgements to stay with us or allow them to pass through our thoughts. There are times, though, that decisions must be made that might look judgemental, though they are not.

 

[midwestyankee]

*LOL* I once broke up with a guy because he never disagreed with me...

It was incredibly boring, I found out after a couple days.

Now...when love is involved...one can have dissenting opinions without judgement of the other. I think being non judgemental toward a loved one is very important to the relationship. I am not saying that one never judges...we are all human. But we can allow these judgements to stay with us or allow them to pass through our thoughts. There are times, though, that decisions must be made that might look judgemental, though they are not.

When two people enter into a partnership to accomplish things together (such as a business relationship) there is a rarely known rule that comes into play: if they both agree all the time, then one of them is redundant. Now, this is not to say that a partner in a romantic relationship could be redundant. But I do think that in order for a relationship to have staying power there must be some heat that comes from friction. Maybe it's just the friction of different views on how to load the dishwasher, but that's a start.

 

[SouthSkyEyes]

Greetings

MidwestYankee ...

I happened to see "Defining Love" in your signature and decided to check it out. I was surprised to see a place on Lit that celebrates relationships rather than just "plays around" with them. I say "plays around" while claiming the honor of having established dear frindship through "playing around" on Lit.

Now don't get me wrong. I do enjoy those frolics amongst select sites that offer a place to honor those "other" parts of me, which includes the "profane." Those "profane parts" aren't necessarily for my "3D AV" lover to appreciate acting out for real.

I acknowledge I've stepped into an existing community by posting in this thread. It seems fitting I would offer a bit about me and my relationship with my wife as I stand at the boundary of this Defining Love "container," of sorts. Such a container does require a sense of trust to keep working.

I won't pretend there is no curiosity about my current AV as I post this message. I'm neither proud nor ashamed to tell you yes, the photo is of me and my wife. I think you'll figure out who is who. It is one of a series (I will be changing it soon) and is admittedly an indulgence of that bit of the exhibitionist spirit we have both discovered just the past few years.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years and still deeply in love and passion. Somehow, we broke out of the mould of our individual upbringings and have learned how to cultivate and cherish the container of our relationship.

I claim no "secret" or knowledge of some special "way" of relationships. However, I do claim our shared relationship amongst the profound blessings in MY life, which include my wife and three daughters.

Well, perhaps enough said for the moment. Perhaps more than enough to read!

Know I would truly welcome being here and to share.

Sincerely,

Sky

 

[Shoshisexy]

Sky,

Being one of those dear friends that you play around with...Your love with Lady A is a great example of what many wish we had. An open, expressive, highly passionate relationship that incorporates being lovers and friends without ever taking away from one or the other.

 

[midwestyankee]

Re: Greetings

MidwestYankee ...

I happened to see "Defining Love" in your signature and decided to check it out. I was surprised to see a place on Lit that celebrates relationships rather than just "plays around" with them. I say "plays around" while claiming the honor of having established dear frindship through "playing around" on Lit.

Now don't get me wrong. I do enjoy those frolics amongst select sites that offer a place to honor those "other" parts of me, which includes the "profane." Those "profane parts" aren't necessarily for my "3D AV" lover to appreciate acting out for real.

I acknowledge I've stepped into an existing community by posting in this thread. It seems fitting I would offer a bit about me and my relationship with my wife as I stand at the boundary of this Defining Love "container," of sorts. Such a container does require a sense of trust to keep working.

I won't pretend there is no curiosity about my current AV as I post this message. I'm neither proud nor ashamed to tell you yes, the photo is of me and my wife. I think you'll figure out who is who. It is one of a series (I will be changing it soon) and is admittedly an indulgence of that bit of the exhibitionist spirit we have both discovered just the past few years.

My wife and I have been married for 25 years and still deeply in love and passion. Somehow, we broke out of the mould of our individual upbringings and have learned how to cultivate and cherish the container of our relationship.

I claim no "secret" or knowledge of some special "way" of relationships. However, I do claim our shared relationship amongst the profound blessings in MY life, which include my wife and three daughters.

Well, perhaps enough said for the moment. Perhaps more than enough to read!

Know I would truly welcome being here and to share.

Sincerely,

Sky

Welcome, Sky.

I am delighted you dropped by and I hope you'll find a few minutes to browse some of the amazing thought,s beliefs, and experiences that so many different people have posted here.

This is a place where we say what's most important and vital to us as we continue on the journey of love. I am hopeful that by offering this place of contemplation, sharing, and discussion that I have given others a chance to learn more of themselves and of the love in their lives.

Please come back often.

 

[midwestyankee]

Sky,

Being one of those dear friends that you play around with...Your love with Lady A is a great example of what many wish we had. An open, expressive, highly passionate relationship that incorporates being lovers and friends without ever taking away from one or the other.

Shoshana, it's so good to hear from you again.

I hope you're doing well.

I agree with you; it seems that Sky has indeed found a good path in love.

 

[MysteriousRomantic]

wel all right now love is not all iot is cracked up to be