Dear Clowns

[IhateClowns]

Dear Crunching Counselor---

I suspect that sock drawer is made up mostly of single socks, and am pleased to be placed amongst such a display of your amorous desires.

As to the UPC decoder ring -- Id advise against it---just play it backwards very slowly on your eye pod in order to hear the secret message redarding announcements of my premature demise.

Obscurely Yours

I just read it backwards and drawer pronounced backwards is reward. Did I just win a fucking reward???? Are you kidding me. This better not be one of those fake scratch offs where someone is filming this and then i end up on AMericas Funniest Home videos I will be pissed off.

Fuck yes. I won a reward. WOW...oK breathe breathe. Where is Ed McMahon? Oh fuck he is dead. Ok where is his side kick Dick Clark? Shit he is stroked out. Hmmmmm I wonder what i won. I hope it is something fabulous like a membership to the Jelly of the month club or something. Wow I need to slow down my pacemaker is starting to sputter....whew YES I won.

 

[IhateClowns]

But your hair is purty...all of it

Mmmm thank you. It is the dove conditioner I use. I take dove shit and mix it in with mayonaisse. That is where the shine comes from

 

[RyanBlack]

I just read it backwards and drawer pronounced backwards is reward. Did I just win a fucking reward???? Are you kidding me. This better not be one of those fake scratch offs where someone is filming this and then i end up on AMericas Funniest Home videos I will be pissed off.

Fuck yes. I won a reward. WOW...oK breathe breathe. Where is Ed McMahon? Oh fuck he is dead. Ok where is his side kick Dick Clark? Shit he is stroked out. Hmmmmm I wonder what i won. I hope it is something fabulous like a membership to the Jelly of the month club or something. Wow I need to slow down my pacemaker is starting to sputter....whew YES I won.

Dear Sputtering Spewer,

Your reward is on its way. Regarding your doubts about the 4 hour erection, those wiill soon be put to rest. now lets see to I turn right or left here. . . . well anyways stopping off at the axle grease factory on the way. the good news is in the coming weeks you will have opportunities to use all those stray socks.

Rewarding Sojurner

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Sputtering Spewer,

Your reward is on its way. Regarding your doubts about the 4 hour erection, those wiill soon be put to rest. now lets see to I turn right or left here. . . . well anyways stopping off at the axle grease factory on the way. the good news is in the coming weeks you will have opportunities to use all those stray socks.

Rewarding Sojurner

Dear Sojurner,

I prefer to make whoopie to ankle socks. They make him look bigger. Just saying.

Thank you.

 

[janeyl]

Mmmm thank you. It is the dove conditioner I use. I take dove shit and mix it in with mayonaisse. That is where the shine comes from

Wonders what proportions...I'd love my chest hair to shine like that...no wait...what I meant was...oh never mind...

 

[IhateClowns]

Wonders what proportions...I'd love my chest hair to shine like that...no wait...what I meant was...oh never mind...

It is a family recipe handed down for the past 6 months. My sister figured it out when a dove dumped on her hair and she didnt know it. She ran her fingers through her hair shortly after combing it in. The streak she combed in was so shiny and lustrous. She decided she needed to bottle it up. The only think she had was an old mayo jar. So she combined the two and voila.

*might be the worst made up story I have ever told. I am going to take a step outside and come back in and start all over

 

[LusterMunky]

Dear Clowns,

I write because I find myself flummoxed, which is odd because I don’t even know what that word means.

The cause of my flummoxation? Unadulterated jealousy.

My flummoxial quandary is that I am not a jealous person (to wit: I like my Lit Love to play with others) and yet I find myself consumed with jealousy that some Clown on Lit is funnier than I am. Smegma? Toddler Tunnel? A pussy whistling Bonanza? I could go on, but it would just further flummocate me.

So, my question is this: Is tapioca really the root of all evil?

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I write because I find myself flummoxed, which is odd because I don’t even know what that word means.

The cause of my flummoxation? Unadulterated jealousy.

My flummoxial quandary is that I am not a jealous person (to wit: I like my Lit Love to play with others) and yet I find myself consumed with jealousy that some Clown on Lit is funnier than I am. Smegma? Toddler Tunnel? A pussy whistling Bonanza? I could go on, but it would just further flummocate me.

So, my question is this: Is tapioca really the root of all evil?

Dear trying to stump me,

I knew your question when you said flummoxed. Of course tapioca is the root of all evil. It is basically congealed ass in a cup. Not even the dirtiest chinese food places have tapioca pudding. They serve vanilla and chocolate pudding. Speaking of which why do they serve pudding? When i go to a chinese eatery the last thing I am thinking of is pudding. Maybe a fortune cookie or something but not pudding. Also why do they have a ladle to spoon it out with? I mean seriously. If I want a little pudding I am fucked because they have a ladle. So you scoop it out and try to delicately put it on your plate, but after 3 minutes of trying to get just a little bit you are clanging the ladle against your plate in some sort of sick metal musical. Ending up with chinese vanila pudding all over your favorite Ratt t-shirt. Fuck tapioca pudding.

 

[IhateClowns]

Just wanted to let everyone know that Sally Struthers just mailed me my certificant of authentication to give advice. Not sure why there was a food stain on it or why it cost me the price of a cup of coffee, but I will take it none the less.

 

[Wings27]

Dear Clowns,

I'd like to know why truck drivers find it essential to hit on every person with a vagina.

Signed,
Tired of the truckstop lovin' offers.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I'd like to know why truck drivers find it essential to hit on every person with a vagina.

Signed,
Tired of the truckstop lovin' offers.

Dear tired,

First off look at your av. Any man truck driver or not is going to hit on you for the most part. You have to realize that because you are attractive and in a male dominated industry the fact that you have a vagina is going to be a negative thing if you don't want to get hit on.

Think of it this way. Have you seen the lounge lizards that hang out at the Love's truck stops? Because most of the truckers out there just need 2 tits, a hole and a heartbeat these "women" can charge truckers to get them off.

Hmmmm a lounge lizrd or Wings 27...a lounge lizard or Wings27. I don't see how it is a tough decision. Now unfortunately fr you Bubba thinks that because a toothless lunge lizard gummed him off in Topeka he has this sense of entitlement that he thinks he can get someone like yourself.

I have read your posts in the past. Just keep kicking them in the nuts and telling them to fuck off. Make a game of it. Unfortunately you have a vagina. They have a sweaty oniony sat on all day ball sack that is needing to be released. Get used to it because as long as you stay in the industry you are going to continuously be asked to peel those layers of onions till you get their sweet treat.

10-4 good buddy.

 

[Wings27]

Dear tired,

First off look at your av. Any man truck driver or not is going to hit on you for the most part. You have to realize that because you are attractive and in a male dominated industry the fact that you have a vagina is going to be a negative thing if you don't want to get hit on.

Think of it this way. Have you seen the lounge lizards that hang out at the Love's truck stops? Because most of the truckers out there just need 2 tits, a hole and a heartbeat these "women" can charge truckers to get them off.

Hmmmm a lounge lizrd or Wings 27...a lounge lizard or Wings27. I don't see how it is a tough decision. Now unfortunately fr you Bubba thinks that because a toothless lunge lizard gummed him off in Topeka he has this sense of entitlement that he thinks he can get someone like yourself.

I have read your posts in the past. Just keep kicking them in the nuts and telling them to fuck off. Make a game of it. Unfortunately you have a vagina. They have a sweaty oniony sat on all day ball sack that is needing to be released. Get used to it because as long as you stay in the industry you are going to continuously be asked to peel those layers of onions till you get their sweet treat.

10-4 good buddy.

Dear Clowns,

I would like to make it perfectly clear that I wear clothing at work. *nods*.

However, thank you for the suggestions. I either have to a. start wearing a strap-on at all times while at work or b. quit my job and go work with animals. At least they can't talk.

And you have also squashed any passing fantasy I have about bedding any of the cute ones. Onions to peel my big white fanny. *gag*

Signed,
Just found a new diet

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I would like to make it perfectly clear that I wear clothing at work. *nods*.

However, thank you for the suggestions. I either have to a. start wearing a strap-on at all times while at work or b. quit my job and go work with animals. At least they can't talk.

And you have also squashed any passing fantasy I have about bedding any of the cute ones. Onions to peel my big white fanny. *gag*

Signed,
Just found a new diet

Dear Diet Maker,

It is good to know that you are clothed when you work. It wasn't that i was worried, but then again you never know. As for the strap-on you realize they always stay hard, so you will have the issue of keeping it tucked in your waistband at all times otherwise you will have a built in curb detector.

As for going to work with animals that is a good idea if you don't want to wear clothes at work. They don't give a shit. Just saying.

Also glad I could help you practice your gag reflexes with their onion issues.

 

[ivantheterrible]

dear IHC,

the lesbian code was always, i hate penis, and the body it is attached to, i.e.- men. why do lesbians always buy dildoes and strap-ons? wouldn't this give them men nightmares? or are they full of shit?

wondering

 

[IhateClowns]

dear IHC,

the lesbian code was always, i hate penis, and the body it is attached to, i.e.- men. why do lesbians always buy dildoes and strap-ons? wouldn't this give them men nightmares? or are they full of shit?

wondering

Dear wondering,

It isn't the cock that makes a lesbian a lesbian. It is the balls. Seriously. You dont see a strap-on with balls do you? You don't see a dildo with a set of testicles. So clearly they don't like the turkey neck that is hanging between your thighs.

They would much rather lick a hatchet wound then have to dodge a set of nuts as they stuff a cock down their throat. Hey I get it. I would much rather have sexs with a woman as well. Wouldn't you?

They also buy strap-ons to compelte their "look" as a male. Please understand that the women in porn on not the typical woman that wears a strap-on. The typical woman wearing a strap-on giving her lover the business is usually a semi truck driver with a tattoo on her body that says "I want an Adam's Apple."

Now those lesbian strap-on artists that are reading this now please realize I don't mean you. All lesbian strap-on artists on Lit look just like the women I have pulled my loins to on red tube.

as for their nightmares that is what happened to Chaz Bono. Her nightmares were so bad she decided to grow a cock and rip hair off her lower back and have it permanently placed all over her chin. Apparently she didn't like her lover lining up that 10 incher as she was bending over clearing out the bottom rack of the dishwasher. Good for her for taking the bul by the horn and permanently sewing a strap-on to her va-jay-jay

 

[availableslave2u]

dear clowns,
i really want to get a dog now that i've moved in with my mother. sometimes she tells me i can have a dog, as long as i take care of it. then, other times she tells me there's no way i can have a dog. she's in the beginning stages of alzheimer's. would it be really wrong to buy a dog, bring it home and then tell her "what do you mean you don't remember the dog?"
pet lover

 

[IhateClowns]

dear clowns,
i really want to get a dog now that i've moved in with my mother. sometimes she tells me i can have a dog, as long as i take care of it. then, other times she tells me there's no way i can have a dog. she's in the beginning stages of alzheimer's. would it be really wrong to buy a dog, bring it home and then tell her "what do you mean you don't remember the dog?"
pet lover

Dear pet lover,

That is a tough question. My Grandmother passed away with alzheimers and she didn't know who I was when I walked into the room. She knew who my brother was which was very odd because he spent little time with her but didn't know the two people that cared for her.

So to answer you rquestion I would say hell yes. She won't even remember what a dog is eventually and you could be like that movie "50 First Dates" in which you just play a tape showing the first time you brought a dog home.

Now you have to be careful. We would find my Grandmother's purse in the freezer. Her car keys in the microwave and odd things like that. So make sure the dog isn't too small that she can pick it up and nuke it. I would hate for you to come home open the drier and see that your clothes really are "fluffy"

So use the good side of of your situation. Bring boys home. Brings dogs home (same thing I know). Do what you have to do to put a smile on your face and get through this tough time.

**********For you assholes out there that are thinking "Really? Did he really say that?" It is a JOKE! Go fuck yourselves" I mean that in the kindest sense of the word. Use maybe a crow bar or something like that.

 

[lolaluscious]

Dear D cup,

By all means let the man indulge his fantasies. Hell wear even lower cut shirts to work. *edited to overcome the limitations of an iPhone reply*

So give in. Let the guy see your tits through a shirt. He will be dead soon and then you will have to start al over with a new perverted male boss. At least with this one you know he is old and you can take him down if need be.

Dear Clowns,
Thank you for such a comprehensive response, I was delighted you took the time to help me with my problem.

Today I had my first 'one on one' with the boss since getting your reply. I wore a semi see through, low cut top that is a size too small and, quite frankly, I was worried that my colleagues might think I was going for it for a promotion.

The boss was indeed pleased, I think, however I now need some advice as to how to best remove the dribble from my cleavage. It has a brown coloured tinge and doesn't smell nice. I'm worried it will stain the material on my shirt and bra. Please help.

Yours,
D Cup

 

[chargergirl]

Dear Clowns,

I don't need advice, but I wanted to let you know how much I am enjoying this, and to thank you for all the laughs!

Oh, and also to tell anyone who is offended by your well thought out responses to go fuck off. It really IS all a joke.

Signed,

Always enjoys your posts

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,
Thank you for such a comprehensive response, I was delighted you took the time to help me with my problem.

Today I had my first 'one on one' with the boss since getting your reply. I wore a semi see through, low cut top that is a size too small and, quite frankly, I was worried that my colleagues might think I was going for it for a promotion.

The boss was indeed pleased, I think, however I now need some advice as to how to best remove the dribble from my cleavage. It has a brown coloured tinge and doesn't smell nice. I'm worried it will stain the material on my shirt and bra. Please help.

Yours,
D Cup

Dear Dribble Causer,

YOu have to take the good with the bad. You have to realize that dribble from an elderly man has had years and years of build up so it isn't as ripe as the saliva from a young man. Between the decades of food chewing, lack of brushing, teeth pulling, bloddy lips and now polident that saliva has been through a lot.

To get rid of the smell I would do oneof two things. First I would go to a car parts store such as Oreilly's and buy one of those cherry scented air fresheners. It works two fold in that it hangs around your neck which draws attention to your masive mammories. The other thing it does is give of the scent of virginity which will make all the boys want to have your cherry all over again.

The second thing you could do carry a tide pen, febreeze, acid, mouthwash, oxy clean, a scrub brush, pet oderizer, a stick up, soap, shampoo, and perfume with you at all times. That stuff just might get out that stain and smell but you have to work it in the right combination. Might wanna buy a bigger purse if you go that route.

 

[kendra1980]

Dear Clowns,

Any tips on how to stop a man who snores from snoring, other than holding a pillow over his face?

Any help, clues, or gentle nudges to the answers would be appreciated.

 

[lolaluscious]

LOL... Clowns, you have made my day. TY.

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

I don't need advice, but I wanted to let you know how much I am enjoying this, and to thank you for all the laughs!

Oh, and also to tell anyone who is offended by your well thought out responses to go fuck off. It really IS all a joke.

Signed,

Always enjoys your posts

LOL... Clowns, you have made my day. TY.

Yeah for some reason I get the wrath of PM's from people who think I am pompous or that my humor crosses lines. Oh well. I just wanted to make clear that Alzheimers is no laughing matter unless you want to play memory tricks on them

Lola, I am glad you smile at this nonsense Thank you for keeping the thread alive and I am glad I can make you smile. Your questions crack me up so the pleasure is two-fold.

 

[chargergirl]

Yeah for some reason I get the wrath of PM's from people who think I am pompous or that my humor crosses lines. Oh well. I just wanted to make clear that Alzheimers is no laughing matter unless you want to play memory tricks on them

Lola, I am glad you smile at this nonsense Thank you for keeping the thread alive and I am glad I can make you smile. Your questions crack me up so the pleasure is two-fold.

Dear Advice giver and Advice asker,

No, it definitely is not. Hubby's grandma had it and it's a very difficult thing.

Signed,
Understanding

 

[IhateClowns]

Dear Clowns,

Any tips on how to stop a man who snores from snoring, other than holding a pillow over his face?

Any help, clues, or gentle nudges to the answers would be appreciated.

Dear tired of trains,

I used to snore. Operative word being "used." My wife put an end to that abruptly one night when I went flying against our bedroom wall. When i bounced off of it I woke up to see her leg extended out straight and her hair all frazzled. Apparently I had been snoring.

I didn't realize I was a snorer. I kept denying it until she recorded it. It sounded like an animals mating call. It was awful. She didn't appreciate it when I said aloud "who in the hell could sleep through that!" I meant myself of course but she didn't find the humor in that.

I tried alot of different things to stop. Sleeping on my back, front, side. None worked. I even went the masculine route and got some of those nasal strips. Nothing tells a woman "come fuck me" like have a thing band-aid strapped across the bridge of your nose. If that doesn't egt a woman flowing warm fluids then nothing really will.

The final thing that worked for me was to just stop breathing at night. So that is what I did. I don't breath at night. I haven't in the last few years and now my wife sleeps like a baby. I on the other hand now have to move my chair by blowing into a straw and she has to change my diapers everyday, but by God she does get a sound sleep every night now.