The game has become tiresome.

[Dalelaw2164]

As a virile man approaching sixty, in a long term relationship with a lovely woman who truly does not understand me or my motivations, I find myself questioning why we are even bothering to try and make it work. I believe she does not want to admit failure, and would also like having someone around to get to the bottom of the weird noise the range hood is making…. I will always be around to change those hard to reach lightbulbs, but I’m thinking maybe it’s time to finally build that tiny trailer house, hook it up to my gas guzzler truck, and cruise up through western Wisconsin… it’s a roundabout way to Trinidad Colorado but what the hell…
Dear Abby, what the fuck is the answer, and why am I increasingly okay with not knowing the question?

 

[StillRain]

What’s the game, exactly?

 

[TalkToMeInSB]

Having had several relationships with woman who didn't understand me (thought they did, but not!), I can relate to your predicament. I believe you know the answer, but until you decide that, yes, you truly would be better off without her, then you're doomed to wallow in a less than optimal relationship. I'm guessing you have feelings for her? Are you living together? One possible reason for not wanting to decide the answer is, of course, sex... Making that break means casting yourself into the world alone... A scary proposition.

I do know that if/when you find a woman who wants you, wants to understands you, and desires you then you'll wonder why you didn't set yourself free earlier.

 

[Lady2020]

Basically, it's accepting the relationship as it is. Or ending it. Either way, it's hard.

 

[Dalelaw2164]

It is about accepting the relationship as it is or ending it. We always seem to be hovering around that end stage, and have decided to break it off several times, reaching the point where I would stay over across town at a rental house we were and are renovating. Once I’m gone for a few days, she seems to start missing my presence around the house.
As a man, I’m sure I’m going to say something that comes off as casually arrogant at some point here, if not worse, so I’ll apologize ahead of time for that and feel free to point out to me when my ass is showing.
We have reached a comfort level that involves coffee in the morning, pleasant conversation intermittently through the day, dinner followed by cbs news and the pbs news hour (we’re both left-centrist liberal, there are half a dozen of us central types still in the country), then I’m watching some weird Brit show about canal boats with ear buds in on my laptop in my sanctuary chair in the corner while she scrolls Facebook over on the sofa…
Then to bed, about 80% of the time in seperate bedrooms as she admits to sleeping better alone and I prefer my space… then it’s back to coffee in the am.
And that’s about it. We circle each other amiably, and have nice sex with each others bodies without really connecting about every third Sunday.
I will admit that she has tried harder than I have over the years to bring us into the same orbital pattern, but I’m a tough one to be around I think. Always enjoyed my own space more than I should but have always felt the need to be in a close relationship… and that is what has really been changing for me as I’ve gotten older.
I no longer fear what direction I will go in if I don’t wake up next to a woman every morning…
I’m rambling all the fuck over the place here, but I will say that I have done some sexual exploration late in life, and I can honestly say that yeah, what does it for me is a mature woman with a good sarcastic bent… one who is comfortable in her own skin, and who lives across town and doesn’t feel the need to present this “perfect” relationship to the world.
Sooo, having said all that- we do have our compatibilities and shared interests… and shared properties and bank accounts etc.
Neither one of us will be bitter and hateful if we do end it. Thanks for reading my tome, sorry for not responding sooner… I just assumed this was just a rant thread that no one would touch with a 10’ pole.
TGI fucking F!!

 

[Dalelaw2164]

Basically, it's accepting the relationship as it is. Or ending it. Either way, it's hard.

It’s a little easier now that you don’t have to split up the photo album…. all the pics are on our phones and computers

 

[bestkeptsecret678]

There are no perfect relationships (including marriages), at least not over the course of years, or lives together. For me its a question of valuing the good parts, being able to tolerate the bad or missing parts, and in that equation, being clear headed on whether being "in" offers a better picture than being "out".

For the few parts that are bad, I simply hold my nose. For the missing parts, I complete them for myself or elsewhere.

Retirement will change this dynamic sometime soon, at which point I'll get back to you on my view.

 

[Dalelaw2164]

What’s the game, exactly?

The game is called Desire clouds Judgement…

 

[Dalelaw2164]

There are no perfect relationships (including marriages), at least not over the course of years, or lives together. For me its a question of valuing the good parts, being able to tolerate the bad or missing parts, and in that equation, being clear headed on whether being "in" offers a better picture than being "out".

For the few parts that are bad, I simply hold my nose. For the missing parts, I complete them for myself or elsewhere.

Retirement will change this dynamic sometime soon, at which point I'll get back to you on my view.

Very astute. There is a certain “holding your nose” aspect in a relationship, although I suspect that in our case she’s the one holding her nose… but yeah, we all tolerate certain things, that’s life.

Congratulations on the pending retirement.
Life is too short to work yourself into the ground.

 

[Dalelaw2164]

Does anyone truely understand someone else entirely?
Are you expecting to much?
Is she expecting to much?
I'm not sure I understand myself on a large scale let alone my wife.
I understand plenty about her. (I think)
And her about me...I hope.
Life is a journey. Maybe you need to fly solo for a bit?
My wife's health dictates one day soonish I will be solo.
I hate that thought but will cherish the memories while I can hang on to them.
I hope you both find what brings you happiness

Thanks for the thoughtful insight, and I’m very sorry that your wife is in poor health, I am sure that you are devoting love and attention to her.
Life can be a hard road to travel, and I wish the both of you well!

 

[NRJLIVES4ever]

Talk to her about what you want and explicitly make clear your expectations and needs. Does she know at all what you're feeling? Sitting around expecting things to change will just make you unhappy. If you're truly unhappy, there's no shame in letting go, but talk it out first.

They say relationships are a compromise, which honestly I think is bullshit. If you're truly not getting anything you want, or worse, being actively held back from what you truly want (I see you, first marriage), it's time to ask the hard questions.

Communicate with her. That's literally it.

 

[Mrtenant]

Just get out the leather chaps and cap, get your flogger, show her the ball gag, and she will understand. Remember the safe word.

 

[Apisto42]

All I got is, that canal boat show is great!

 

[Apisto42]

Apisto pants

You do you boo.

 

[Apisto42]

I am, dipshit

I think I’m in love.

 

[Jasmine12345]

... a lovely woman who truly does not understand me or my motivations, .....

May I ask, do you 'truly' understand her? This is a straightforward question, not trying to side with her.
If you give yourself an honest answer to this question, you might look at the following twice.

Does anyone truely understand someone else entirely?

 

[Mo_Bandy]

 

[ZfrkS62]

This boat seems familiar.

Both of us are in our early 40s and have a similar situation.

It's largely the reason I ended up back on Lit last year.

While we don't squabble, and we didn't look at each other with resentment, we're not that far of from just being roommates that have sex occasionally. And by have sex occasionally, she sees I'm getting frustrated and does just enough initiating to get me to fuck her. Might go on for a few days to a week and she acts like nothing happens, doesn't answer when I ask what she liked. It's always "Is this what you want?".

Not really worth calling it quits over, but I'm definitely considering not saying no the next time someone with a mind as dirty as mine comes sniffing around, and I'd like to tell her that, I just can't find a good segue to it.

Perhaps that should be the compromise. If she's only doing the bare minimum in the bedroom, and neither of you are fed up enough to actually call it quits, why not propose changing the dynamic and try openly seeing other people? I see 3 outcomes, 1) she's open to it and goes along with the idea 2) she realizes that it's just time to call it, or 3) she starts trying way harder where it matters.

 

[Mo_Bandy]

Yeah dude. No time for the skanks who dont put out after Red Lobster Surf and Turf.

 

[Cyber_Bella]

Yeah when the going gets tough…uh what Mo said.

 

[GretaX]

It is about accepting the relationship as it is or ending it. We always seem to be hovering around that end stage, and have decided to break it off several times, reaching the point where I would stay over across town at a rental house we were and are renovating. Once I’m gone for a few days, she seems to start missing my presence around the house.
As a man, I’m sure I’m going to say something that comes off as casually arrogant at some point here, if not worse, so I’ll apologize ahead of time for that and feel free to point out to me when my ass is showing.
We have reached a comfort level that involves coffee in the morning, pleasant conversation intermittently through the day, dinner followed by cbs news and the pbs news hour (we’re both left-centrist liberal, there are half a dozen of us central types still in the country), then I’m watching some weird Brit show about canal boats with ear buds in on my laptop in my sanctuary chair in the corner while she scrolls Facebook over on the sofa…
Then to bed, about 80% of the time in seperate bedrooms as she admits to sleeping better alone and I prefer my space… then it’s back to coffee in the am.
And that’s about it. We circle each other amiably, and have nice sex with each others bodies without really connecting about every third Sunday.
I will admit that she has tried harder than I have over the years to bring us into the same orbital pattern, but I’m a tough one to be around I think. Always enjoyed my own space more than I should but have always felt the need to be in a close relationship… and that is what has really been changing for me as I’ve gotten older.
I no longer fear what direction I will go in if I don’t wake up next to a woman every morning…
I’m rambling all the fuck over the place here, but I will say that I have done some sexual exploration late in life, and I can honestly say that yeah, what does it for me is a mature woman with a good sarcastic bent… one who is comfortable in her own skin, and who lives across town and doesn’t feel the need to present this “perfect” relationship to the world.
Sooo, having said all that- we do have our compatibilities and shared interests… and shared properties and bank accounts etc.
Neither one of us will be bitter and hateful if we do end it. Thanks for reading my tome, sorry for not responding sooner… I just assumed this was just a rant thread that no one would touch with a 10’ pole.
TGI fucking F!!

I just stumbled across this post, so I'm not sure if you found the answer you need or made your decision. I just found this statement very telling:

Once I’m gone for a few days, she seems to start missing my presence around the house.

SHE misses you. Nowhere do you mention that you miss her. Maybe you do, but you inadvertently left that detail out. If not, then that should tell you everything you need to know.

 

[Dalelaw2164]

I just stumbled across this post, so I'm not sure if you found the answer you need or made your decision. I just found this statement very telling:



SHE misses you. Nowhere do you mention that you miss her. Maybe you do, but you inadvertently left that detail out. If not, then that should tell you everything you need to know.

It wasn’t inadvertent, but it occurred to me that the omission could come across as sounding egotistical, which is not how I feel. And I’m not sure that she finds herself missing me so much as she misses the idea of me. No one likes facing uncertainty, and the older you get, the more tangible that fear becomes. The uncertainty being, “who am I going to find to replace him”, maybe? Now that does sound egotistical, I wouldn’t be too hard to replace- lots of 50-60 something men out there who DO refrain from posting dick and fish pics in their dating profile… assuming that’s what she wants of course.
We had another flaring discussion yesterday morning (it’s never a shouting match) in which she astutely pointed out that I’m a really nice guy without any deep level of feeling for her… and that’s really not true. I do love her very much and I told her so, but what I didn’t tell her is that yes, I cannot muster the passion for her that I should be feeling, it was there for the first couple years of our relationship but something has changed and I can’t bring it back. At 60 I find myself liking my own company too damned much perhaps.
So I’m doing her a disservice by sticking around, but we have financial entanglements involving a couple houses jointly owned, and there are needs that we do fill for each other, mostly involving cooking and laundreary etc lol….
This is turning into a book without much substance. I AM a book without much substance .
We’ll figure it out… I’m envisioning a bit of a slow fade in which I build out a box truck tiny house over at our airbnb, live in it for the most part with frequent (fading to occasional) shared dinners, dates and biblical carnality, coming to an abrupt end when she comes over for dinner one evening seeming a bit preoccupied, and as I’m quenching the pressure cooker, this lovely woman pensively tells me THE NEWS…

A very real reason for my loss of feeling towards her is that she admittedly actively dislikes my twenty something daughter. To give her credit, she has tried, but it isn’t going to take. So I lead a bit of a double life at times, facing resentment when I go spend time with my kid… as a dad there’s really only one choice to be made here.

 

[LisaMayTurner]

You need to ground yourself in an understanding that talking to a bunch of utter strangers online is the worst manner of dealing with anything in the slightest proximity of being personal and linked to a relationship that is real. You need to anchor reactions linked to advice into a firm foundation of reaction and valid meaningful knowledge of a handful of people who know you and your partner. Doing it any other way will really mess up your head, your partner's ability to react to what you do, and your whole relationship. If this is real, stop dealing with it as you are doing and seek proper support from people you can meet with regularly on a face-to-face level of meaningful conversation.

 

[Inducker]

It wasn’t inadvertent, but it occurred to me that the omission could come across as sounding egotistical, which is not how I feel. And I’m not sure that she finds herself missing me so much as she misses the idea of me. No one likes facing uncertainty, and the older you get, the more tangible that fear becomes. The uncertainty being, “who am I going to find to replace him”, maybe? Now that does sound egotistical, I wouldn’t be too hard to replace- lots of 50-60 something men out there who DO refrain from posting dick and fish pics in their dating profile… assuming that’s what she wants of course.
We had another flaring discussion yesterday morning (it’s never a shouting match) in which she astutely pointed out that I’m a really nice guy without any deep level of feeling for her… and that’s really not true. I do love her very much and I told her so, but what I didn’t tell her is that yes, I cannot muster the passion for her that I should be feeling, it was there for the first couple years of our relationship but something has changed and I can’t bring it back. At 60 I find myself liking my own company too damned much perhaps.
So I’m doing her a disservice by sticking around, but we have financial entanglements involving a couple houses jointly owned, and there are needs that we do fill for each other, mostly involving cooking and laundreary etc lol….
This is turning into a book without much substance. I AM a book without much substance .
We’ll figure it out… I’m envisioning a bit of a slow fade in which I build out a box truck tiny house over at our airbnb, live in it for the most part with frequent (fading to occasional) shared dinners, dates and biblical carnality, coming to an abrupt end when she comes over for dinner one evening seeming a bit preoccupied, and as I’m quenching the pressure cooker, this lovely woman pensively tells me THE NEWS…

A very real reason for my loss of feeling towards her is that she admittedly actively dislikes my twenty something daughter. To give her credit, she has tried, but it isn’t going to take. So I lead a bit of a double life at times, facing resentment when I go spend time with my kid… as a dad there’s really only one choice to be made here.

I’ve been through what you’re experiencing.

It’s been awful for all concerned.

My (adult) daughters want nothing to do with me, but expect half the proceeds of what I have. I’ve lost the ‘friends’.

Yet I feel I’ve done the right thing. None but ourselves can free our minds.

I’m not out of the woods yet, but there’ll be a glade opening up soon.

My thoughts are with you.

 

[Jimmy119_190]

For the few parts that are bad, I simply hold my nose. For the missing parts, I complete them for myself or elsewhere.

Retirement will change this dynamic sometime soon, at which point I'll get back to you on my view.

If you have to hold your nose too much, you just can’t breathe…

Retirement, I imagine, accentuates those bad elements because you have less time apart at work.