Dealing with kids during a break up....

[weed]

I know plenty (too many!!) of you have had to deal with this.

What has worked for you? What seems to make it easiest on them?

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Been there done this

Never ever, ever bad mouthing their other parent in front of them and reassuring them it's nothing to do with them and that both parents will always love and be there for them.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

Re: Been there done this

Never ever, ever bad mouthing their other parent in front of them

That's what I was going to say. I'm not a parent, but I'm a kid going through this right now. My parents are splitting up after 26 years together.

My dad badmouths my mom all the time, and my mom has nothing but good things to say about him to us.

Also, DON'T say to your kids that you're afraid of losing their love. Trust me, it will hurt them that you think them so fickle, and it'll make them angry.

Do your best to be supportive of the other parent, and hope that they will do that for you... it shows maturity, it shows goodwill.

Don't be snide or stupid.

 

[weed]

Re: Been there done this

Never ever, ever bad mouthing their other parent in front of them and reassuring them it's nothing to do with them and that both parents will always love and be there for them.

That's the approach I've been trying to take. Seems to work on one level but I wonder about what's going on with them deeper as they watch their parents go through it.

Trying to keep what I'm going through away from them as much as possible and being there for them in the moment.

 

[Ms_Lilith]

how old are your kids?

 

[weed]

Re: Re: Been there done this

(snip)
Also, DON'T say to your kids that you're afraid of losing their love. Trust me, it will hurt them that you think them so fickle, and it'll make them angry.
(snip)

I hadn't thought of this but it makes good sense.

I have worried about one of them being angry and let him know that trying to give him a chance to vent to me.

 

[weed]

8 and 14



There's also working out the who gets 'em when. I'm much more limited by my working schedule and I don't want their dad to think I'm dumping them on him. Or them to feel that either.

 

[Mia62]

yikes, sweetie...PM me if you want to chat.

What has worked with ours (19, 18, 12 and 9) is to ASK them how they want to handle the visitation. My youngest two have worked out a two-on two-off schedule where one is with me one night...both are with me the next night...then the other is with me the third night. The fourth night is mine. They like this arrangement as it gives them individual mommy/daddy time as well as a night with their sibling. My youngest actually complained last night that her older sisters (who have chosen to live with their father on a 95% basis) "always yell" at her and she never gets alone time with her dad. She likes my house for that.

They are free to call the other parent whenever they wish...they are sort of on a nightly call ratio and sometimes in the morning.

We still see each other quite often which still has a habit of erupting into an argument over something...that is something that we are both working on NOT to do in front of the kids...it really upsets them.

Also...something that has happened with me is that the in-laws have made no bones about disapproving of me. This is something that my kids have overheard and are very confused by. You may wish to speak to your parents/siblings etc and ask them to refrain from all comments in front of the kids.

Make sure that they still have liberal access to any friends that they wish to play with...invite them over often. Also make sure that none of their school/recreational habits change.

At this point in time...they crave some sort of consistency. Also, encourage them to talk. I highly recommend liberal use of counsellors.

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

If they are old enough talk to them, ask them how they feel. I split with my ex when my oldest was 3, I thought she was pretty much unaffected by it. At age 8 she ended up in counselling for anger outbursts and seperation issues. Ends up they siad she wasnt old enough to know how to voice her opinions when we split and it was just then surfacing.

Just watch them for sign of depression, anger and such. You know them better then anyone so you will see if there is something wrong emotionally.

 

[weed]

yikes, sweetie...PM me if you want to chat.

What has worked with ours (19, 18, 12 and 9) is to ASK them how they want to handle the visitation. My youngest two have worked out a two-on two-off schedule where one is with me one night...both are with me the next night...then the other is with me the third night. The fourth night is mine. They like this arrangement as it gives them individual mommy/daddy time as well as a night with their sibling. My youngest actually complained last night that her older sisters (who have chosen to live with their father on a 95% basis) "always yell" at her and she never gets alone time with her dad. She likes my house for that.

They are free to call the other parent whenever they wish...they are sort of on a nightly call ratio and sometimes in the morning.

We still see each other quite often which still has a habit of erupting into an argument over something...that is something that we are both working on NOT to do in front of the kids...it really upsets them.

Also...something that has happened with me is that the in-laws have made no bones about disapproving of me. This is something that my kids have overheard and are very confused by. You may wish to speak to your parents/siblings etc and ask them to refrain from all comments in front of the kids.

Make sure that they still have liberal access to any friends that they wish to play with...invite them over often. Also make sure that none of their school/recreational habits change.

At this point in time...they crave some sort of consistency. Also, encourage them to talk. I highly recommend liberal use of counsellors.

Interesting. I was actually thinking of taking the opposite approach especially with the young one. I was thinking that giving them too much choice will put them in the conflict of choosing one parent over the other. There's also the matter of schedule and with me working nightshifts there is not a lot of picking and choosing nights.

Their dad and I are in a lot of contact also. Fortunately this doesn't erupt in arguments but it does seem to bring on sadness which I don't think is good for them either. Not that I want them to think this is not a seriously considered thing we're doing but I don't want them to have to feel our pain.

 

[Mia62]

Interesting. I was actually thinking of taking the opposite approach especially with the young one. I was thinking that giving them too much choice will put them in the conflict of choosing one parent over the other. There's also the matter of schedule and with me working nightshifts there is not a lot of picking and choosing nights.

Can he take them overnight...and you have them before school and after school...covering homework and dinner, etc?

 

[weed]

If they are old enough talk to them, ask them how they feel. I split with my ex when my oldest was 3, I thought she was pretty much unaffected by it. At age 8 she ended up in counselling for anger outbursts and seperation issues. Ends up they siad she wasnt old enough to know how to voice her opinions when we split and it was just then surfacing.

Just watch them for sign of depression, anger and such. You know them better then anyone so you will see if there is something wrong emotionally.

How did she end up dealing with her anger? Was it all through counselling?

 

[weed]

Can he take them overnight...and you have them before school and after school...covering homework and dinner, etc?

I think he'll be ok with that. And there will still be 4 nights a week that I can take them. Unfortunately it is all dictated by my work schedule.

I'm going to be covering the afterschool's for the most part. (keeping an eye on the clock)

 

[huskie]

Be friends as long as you can and most of all Pick your Battles!!! Don't fuss over the small stuff. Try to keep things as a discussion not a disagreement.

 

[Mia62]

Unfortunately it is all dictated by my work schedule.

Another tip that I have used is to highlight the days that they are with me on a calendar in MY house. That way they know in advance. I am also encouraging him to be flexible...it is starting to work.

If you get your schedule a week or two in advance, then use the calendar and PREschedule your days.

 

[Flitter]

I agree with what's been said already. Never say anything negative about the other parent. Kids identify that with being something negative about themselves. Always be civil in front of the children. My ex and I were, fortunately, able to remain friends and it was still very difficult for our child. Even in the best scenario there is going to be pain and anger. Just make sure that both parents, if possible, can stress often to the child how much they love them. Try to keep things as normal as possible, and get a routine established right away. Kids crave structure and with an event as big as this...if you can get into a settled atmosphere quickly, I think it helps them make the transition a lil bit better.

 

[weed]

Be friends as long as you can and most of all Pick your Battles!!! Don't fuss over the small stuff. Try to keep things as a discussion not a disagreement.

Thanks.

There aren't too many battles I'm picking right now other than making the money and schedule end of things work. I do think we'll be able to work things out amicably.

It's not anger but sadness that will be the issue for us.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Expect some regression. We split when my daughter was 4. She regressed quite a bit, even though our split was very amicable. It can go on for years. Especially at times of extreme stress.

Never, ever EVER let them hear you discuss money issues. Oh, you say "I'd never do that." You'd be amazed what they hear, and misinterpret. Never use them to pass messages. Take the time to tell him yourself, no matter how pissed off you are at him.

Divorce with kids sucks no matter how you look at it. *HUGS*

Hang in. My thoughts are with you.

 

[weed]

Another tip that I have used is to highlight the days that they are with me on a calendar in MY house. That way they know in advance. I am also encouraging him to be flexible...it is starting to work.

If you get your schedule a week or two in advance, then use the calendar and PREschedule your days.

You're right. That's something we can work on so everyone knows what to expect.

 

[huskie]

Thanks.

There aren't too many battles I'm picking right now other than making the money and schedule end of things work. I do think we'll be able to work things out amicably.

It's not anger but sadness that will be the issue for us.

yep. the sadness will turn to anger sooner or later...... just try not to learn to many lessons the hard way..... but you will learn some

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

through counselling and work at home with her. Talking to her often, asking her how she felt about things, about what makes her feel angry and how she wanted to deal with the anger rather than hitting. Also not making her go on visits with her father when he wanted. That was a big issue, I thought it was good to make her go see her dad ( he moved 300 miles away), now that it's up to her to go when she wants she deals with it a lot better and wants to go more often. I also let the kids decide how long they stay. She feels she has some control over her life and what is going on. I've also explained to my kids that I still love their father but we just couldnt live together as a family and be happy. We (their father and his new wife) and I and my new husband still do Christmas and Birthdays together. We try to make the special occasions just as special with all the people who love them being together. We are all civil and I get along with their step mom really well. Sometimes it's hard for me but they don't see it, I make an effort to be as 'happy' as possible in front of them.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Postscript:

After three years of amicable, it got un-amicable. Don't expect it to always be that way. Its a continuum. I hope it will get that way again. However, we still stick to the rules we made in the beginning when dealing with our daughter.

Good luck.

This stuff is always so friggin' SAD. Mine, yours, everybody's.

*sigh*

 

[weed]

Thanks folks.

I'm off to pick up the little one. I'll come back and read more later.

This is good to hear how others have dealt with this issue.

 

[k¡tty]

I hug and kiss my son and reassure him daily that we both love him.


My ex knows what I went through when my parents divorced so when we split I told him that he and his family were to say nothing negative about me, they were not to interrogate him about me or what's going on in my home, and I wouldn't do those things either.

It's been hard, he hasn't always followed through with that.. but all I can do is keep up from my end of the agreement.

He calls his father every night and spends 2 weekends a month from the time he gets off the school bus on Friday's until Sunday nights, occasionally I will allow him to stay until he goes to school on Monday's. The other 2 weekends he stays from Saturday afternoon till Sunday night.

If there is something special going on I take that into consideration and ignore the visitation that I've set up.

For Halloween I took our son the first hour around to my families homes and neighbor's, then I met the ex and gave our son to him for the last hour. Did I have to? No.. but I did it so that our child could have us both. Same with Christmas.

Our son has had enough to deal with this past year that he doesn't need the added stress of parents screaming at each other over petty things. He does understand why mommy and daddy no longer are together, I have explained it on a level he understands. No one always gets along, he has other kids he use to be friends with but they aren't as close anymore. People grow up and grow apart.

But he has no doubts as to the love we each hold for him

I wish you all the best weed.

 

[Lancecastor]

I know plenty (too many!!) of you have had to deal with this.

What has worked for you? What seems to make it easiest on them?

Don't break up with your kids.