Dark past, Still Married (Closed for Lovingfingers)

[AngelofyourNighmares]

Ashley Wellborn
25
http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/27400000/Faye-phoebe-tonkin-27461171-500-600.jpg

Ashley had it all or so she thought. When she was 21 she had married the man she thought was the love of her life, well not to her, to her he was the love of her life, he was older than her however, he was 31 at the time, and they married for all the wrong reasons, but she had loved him long before they were married, she had loved him when she was 16 years old, she was a little country girl and he was a big city man, girl she knew he always looked at her that she was way to young for him... but she was mature for her age, she wanted him when she was 16... but he brushed her off, he was only there in the summer time, visisting his grandparents, and in that time he worked on her families ranch, and even though she was much younger than him they had become very fast friends.

Once his grandparents died they left a clause in there will, that he was to get married... but he wasn't the settling down type, hell he wasn't the type of man a woman even needed, he was rough around the edges and he had a dark side, the only relationships he had ever been interested in were ones, where he was a dominant, he didn't believe in love, when he was a child he had been badly abused by his foster parents, until he was adopted when he was 10, before that he had been beaten day in and day out, he even had scars on his body from the abuse, and scars around his wrist from being tied up. He never let anyone close enough to hurt him, he still had a hard time letting his adoptive parents touch him, he couldn't stand being touched, what could he even offer a woman... especially a woman like Ashley... but she was the only girl he really trusted, so he asked her to marry him, damn his grandfather.

She agreed instantly, they at least needed to be married for a year, and had to consumate there marriage, Ashley was the only girl he ever made love to, and it was one of the hardest things, because he did love her, but he could never be with him.. so when there year was up and he knew his grandparents ranch was safe, he told her she deserved better even after she told him of her love, he called her a kid and told her he wasn't the man for her, it was the hardest thing he had ever done, but he was ten years her senior and his lifestyle was far different than what he could give her, what could a man that couldn't stand to be touched, and only liked rough kinky sex offer her. No she desereved more, and leaving her there standing in the rain watching her cry was possibly the hardest thing he ever watched... he paved dirt and headed back to the city.. he needed away from the constant reminder of his ex wife, and his family...

Ashley watched him walk away from her, wasn't she enough for him, he made love to her, and sure she noticed he held her hands above her head the entire time, but she was young and naieve and never thought anything of it.

Little did Ashley know however is that they were still married, where she signed the papers he never had, she had moved on, she had her own home, in the country, a good job as the town vet, and a new love interest, though she never ever forgot her ex husband.. though she should he had ripped her heart out and stomped all over it, she hadn't really ever stopped loving him, how could you forget someone that was your first, that was ayour husband for a year, and that had been her first love? She didn't know.

 

[lovingfingers]

John Wellborn closed his eyes and sighed, "I know. I had.. just hoped it would not become necessary."

The woman opposite him at the table sipped her tea, saying compassionately, "I know. It is a thing you fear, perhaps the thing you fear, and why you cannot progress on the path."

He looked up at her striking blue eyes, paused, and then shook his head. She said firmly, "The cards have shown it. I have seen it. And you know it. You must come to terms with Ashley."

"I know I swore that I would be willing to suffer to learn, but I don't want to hurt her, again," he said softly.

"She will be fine," his high priestess pronounced, "We googled her, remember. She has a life, a house, a job. She is a strong woman. But both of you need closure, no matter how it turns out."

She could have said other things, things she had seen, but did not want to build expectation or fears in her promising student. The guilt her bore over his treatment of her hung around his neck like an albatross. It was the reason all his relationships had failed and why he could progress no further.

He thanked her and made the customary ritual parting. He gathered his things and walked back to his apartment, thinking. Was there any reasonable excuse he could use to get in touch with her? He could think of only one.

When he arrived home, he sent a simple email,

Dear Ashley,

I hope this finds you well.

After some years, I have finally finished
going through my grandparent's effects.
Yes, I was sandbagging.

But I happened to find the locket of my
grandmother's that you so admired and
that she had promised to you so many
years ago.

I would like to give it to you personally.
It just seems wrong to stick it in the mail.
That, and I want to apologize for being
an utter idiot. I have no expectations,
but hope you will hear me out.

wishing you only good things,

John

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

The hardest part of her job, was putting the animals down, but she hated to see any living thing suffer, she knew she was sometimes to soft for this job, but at the same time, she was good at it, and without compassion, she would have no job, the animals and the families needed her.

She was having a rather uneventful day at work, maybe she would go see her parents after work, sure she had a guy, well sort of had a guy, she didnt really know what to lable him as, all she knew is she didnt get any of the kind of feelings a girl should get when she was around a man she was attracted to or dating.

Her last appointment was a quick one, and when she was done, she locked up for the day... she didnt head home like she normally would she went to her parents, she didnt want to go home to her lonely house just yet.

She chewed the side of her cheek as she parked at her parents house, she sat in her car after parking, then gained her composure... please no questions or lectures tonight, that was the last thing she needed.

She didnt need to knock she had her own key and let herself in yelling her mothers name out. "Hey there honey, come I've just made some tea." That was the best thing Ashley had heard all day. They walked to the kitchen and her mother poured her a glass. "Daddy will be upset he missed you, him and his friends went down the pier." Ashley knew what that meant, daddy was fishing and drinking with the boys, and her mother trusted him immensely a 25 year old marriage had that effect on a person, they talked about work, the weather and many other things.

"Ashley I love you dearly, but its been 4 years, you need to move on, and not just with your job but with your life, you won't let any man in because of him, I think its time.'' And so went the lecture Ashley thought. She told her mom that John had nothing to do with her not wanting to be in a relationship. Her mother kissed her cheek and told her she just wanted to see her happy.

She drove home, taking the back roads, she had to clear her mind, everytime someone said his name, it hit her like a ton of bricks.. and brought her back to that dreadful day... and the fact that he had never once let her in.

Her nuckles were white from holding the stearing wheel to tight, she was tired when she arrived home, it was a simple two bedroom, two bathroom home, with a pretty wrap around porch. She got in the house, made a salad as her dinner, she wasnt all that hungry at the mention of John. She took a hot bath and then crawled into bed with her laptop, she had to check her email and confirm some outpatient appointments she handled those on her own.

She opened her email and deleted the spam.. then she opened a email that in the subject field only had her name, definantly not work related or spam she thought. She opened it and read it, and as she read she could feel the color drain from her face. Her head was all over the place.

She thought back to that day and what had happened and tears filled her eyes. If reading a email had gotten her this upset then perhaps seeing him would crush her.

Dear John,

I was so sorry for your loss, your granparents were amazing people, and I loved them dearly, sorry I was not at the funeral for I was out of town and uninformed.

As I write this its with a heavy heart, I loved your grandmother as my own and as much as I would love to have something of hers, I do not think we should see each other.

Hope all is well in your life...please do not hate me for saying that I cannot see you.

I hope all is well for you

Sincerely,
Ashley.

And she hit send, why after all this time she thought why now, tomorrow was saturday, the office was closed, she'd be able to sleep in and she had a feeling it was going to be a rough night so she would need it.

 

[lovingfingers]

John had tried not wait by his phone, smart though it might be, for a reply. Every time his device pinged, he pulled it from his pocket. And each time, he would see it was from anyone or anything than Ashley, and was both relieved and disappointed. It was late and he had started to prepare for bed, when it pinged yet again. He checked, and froze. He stood for a moment, holding the phone, before he could force himself to open it.

He did, and read it, and although it was pretty much what he had expected, he did feel his heart ache. What did he expect? He had been a dick, and deserved nothing more.

And while maybe he was just a glutton for punishment, he also knew that he had to see her, or at least try. Tomorrow. It was Saturday. It wasn't that far a drive, and he could crash with friends, or just drive back late. He put his head back, sighing, "Goddess, why does this have to be so hard? I was just trying to do the right thing."

No answer was forthcoming. The Powers were never so direct. He only knew he had to do this, and have faith.

Sleep was elusive that night, and he woke early on Saturday. He performed his usual morning salutations, then considered what to wear, choosing clothing with darker hues that Ashley preferred. He set out with a gallon size mug of coffee, driving a route he had not taken in years. As he drove into the country, he fought to keep his spirits up. Half way there, it started to rain, causing him to mutter, "Rain, really? Thanks so much..."

It was really coming down when he arrived at Ashley's address in the late morning. He parked in the driveway, and saw lights in the house. Hopefully that meant that she was home, and alone. He got out of the car and walked to the front door, the rain quickly soaking him. "How appropriate," he thought, suddenly recalling leaving her in the rain.

He stood by the front door for a moment, praying for hope, then rang the bell. Half a minute passed, and then the door opened to reveal Ashley on the other side. His eyes widened for a moment. Not much had changed. She was beautiful in the ways she had always been beautiful, but stronger now, mature. He watched her eyes as she recognized him, and was suddenly afraid she would slam the door in his face.

"Hi Ashley," he started, "I am sorry for coming uninvited, but I have to talk to you. Its important. All I ask is five minutes of your time, and then I will go. Please."

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She didn't know why after all these years,he had to write now, and though it might be for the right intentions, she just couldn't face him. She still stared at the email after she read it, how many nights had she hoped to hear from him, but she had moved on, finally, or was she just fooling herself in the long run. She finally slammed the lap top closed, and sighed. She called for her cats so she could feed them, she laughed at herself, at least she had them, a black female cat named tiny, thanks to her mother she laughed, and then a beautiful dark orange tabby cat, named Tiger, not so original but he was beautiful like a tiger, she had rescued them both, save the world Ashley, her daddy often called her. She took a deep breath patted there heads, knowing they would soon curl up at her feet in the bed.

She dressed for bed in a black tank top and panties, her head was throbbing at this point and she just wanted sleep. She knew though that she wasn't going to get very much sleep.

She had a routine, though now it was all shot to hell, even if she did get to sleep it wouldn't last very long, how could one simple email alter your pattern. She tossed and turned for what felt like forever. Even the cats were irritated with the tossing and turning and they left to sleep elsewhere. Clearly she was not okay she thought to herself. She threw the blankets off and paced, she hadn't had to take a sleeping tablet in a long time, but hell if she didn't need it. She took it and crawled back into bed, and waited the hour that it usually took to set it, she set her alarm for the morning so she could get up and do her usual yoga, grab breakfast, go to the grocery, maybe take a ride on her stead, and then wind down with a glass of wine and a hot bubble bath... or maybe she would switch everything up.

She looked around the room, and shook her head, as sleep finally started to fall on her. She had many dreams that night.. dreams that felt vividly real.

The clock sounding off woke her from her slumber, and she noted that she had woken up sheen with sweat... crazy dreams she thought to herself. She turned the alarm off and climbed out of bed, she looked at herself in the mirror, and she admitted she looked like she had been hit by a ton of bricks or maybe that was just how she felt. She looked at her cats waiting in the kitchen for food. "You would swear you two never eat." She said and laughed petting both of them softly and feeding them. She went back to her room and changed into a black and white tank-top, and a black pair of yoga pants, grabbed her mat and her tennis shoes and headed to the living room, best investment she ever bought was different radiations of yoga dvds, she hated the gym, she loved the relaxation of her home. She pulled her long hair up, set the dvd up and started her warmups. Yoga was the one thing that always relaxed her mind, and not to meant it kept her in great shape.

She finished her two hour session of yoga, and debated on going for a run, then noted it was raining outside, god how she hated the rain. She pulled her shoes off and put them and her socks in the laundry room, she had a sudden memory, as she often did when it rained. She sat at the kitchen table drinking a glass of water, the rain outside frightening her cats, where they curled at her feet and stayed at her side. The memory, she thought was just a flash how stupid did she look calling after him tears in her eyes in the pouring rain, she shook the memory away.

It took her a minute to register that someone was ringing the doorbell. She looked down at her outfit, great she thought I look a mess and someone decides to stop by, then she thought maybe it was just a sales person. She hurried to the door, most people would say who is it, but this was a safe place to live so she just opened the door. She wasn't sure if she was seeing things or if her mind was just playing tricks on her. She felt all the blood drain from her face. It took her a minute to realize it was actually him, he looked the same really, aged like her but other than that same old city boy she remembered all to well.

Ashley was never the rude type, hadn't she told him though she couldn't see him, but he was soaked and he was at her door, she opened her door wider. It seemed like a hour before she spoke. The cats were at her feet, trying to get out. "Get back you two, it's raining." She lightly pushed them with her feet and they ran off. "Sorry, my cats.. please come in..." She said apprehension clearly in her tone, as she welcomed her in her home.

Her heart was racing as he walked in and she shut the door.. and led him to the living room. "Do you want something to drink?" She asked but never once did she meet his gaze.

 

[lovingfingers]

John walked into the entry way and stopped. He was dripping wet. He saw a matt with several pairs of shoes on it, all women's he noted with relief. He slipped his shoes off and set them with the others, explaining softly, "I don't want to track anything inside."

Ashley started for the living room as John looked around. It was a lovely home, so very.. her. When he saw the living room, carpeted with a large comfy looking sofa, he stopped again, "I am really wet. Maybe the kitchen would be safer?"

She changed course and walked down a short hall. John followed her. He couldn't help but notice the curve of her waist and the toned, round cheeks of her ass as she walked in her yoga pants. She always had been beautiful...

As they entered the kitchen, he inhaled the scent of fresh coffee. He smiled, "If you wouldn't mind, that coffee smells awful good."

He sat down at the kitchen table as she poured him a cup. As he did, one of the cats came over and meowed up at him. He leaned over and gave it a scratch behind the ears. The feline purred and he smiled, "awww, such a good kitty."

He heard a cup on the table and looked up to see Ashley watching him. "Thank you," he said softly, taking a sip. He reached into his shirt pocked and withdrew a small plastic bag with a locket inside.

He set it on the table near to Ashley, "Good thing I bagged it up."

She hesitated and then reached for it. As she took it out to the baggie, he commented, "I have no idea as to how much it is worth, but Gram always had it and wanted you to have it."

He took another sip of coffee as Ashley studied the locket. He took a deep breath. Now for the hard part.

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She didn't think anything of him being wet, her only Thought was really that he was there and in her home. She wished she had something clever to say, but she was having a hard time just keeping tracks of her thoughts. She was lost, he was here, how many times had she wished for this. She just smiled at him comment. "Thanks." She was finding it hard to focus.

Her natural instinct was to go to the living room where in some semblance they could relax, or at least he could she was way to tense. Her living room was simple, alot like her, a deep shade of dark royal blue, she always had a thing for darker colors. She mostly looked at the floor the entire time, it was to hard to really even look at him, to many feelings were running through her head, as the moment. She nodded her head in agreement about the kitchen.

She led him down a small hall towards her kitchen. Her heart raced knowing that he was just a few steps behind her. Now she wished she was wearing anything but what she had on,then she thought why did it even matter what she was wearing.

When they reached the kitchen, she gave him a smile, she was really so confused as to why he was there at her house. "Still the same way?" He concured that it was still the same.

She set to making him a cup, trying to think about anything but how close he was, and how good he looked. Her head was a whirlwind of emotions, she actually had never wished him any bad luck or anything like that, she could never think of him in a bad way no matter how much he had hurt her.

She looked at her cat, traiter she thought with a shake of her head as she set the coffee on the table. "Your welcome." She said softly with a smile. She watched him carefully as he dug something out of his pocket.

She wanted to look away from him, but she never was very good at that, she watched as he placed the baggy towards her.

She thought for a moment, before carefully reaching for the locket, as she pulled it out of the bag. She opened it and was a little taken back at the picture on the inside but she didn't say anything. "Thank you for this, John it means so much to me." She smiled gently.

She slipped the locket on in silence, and felt a tear in her eye as she fought it back.

 

[lovingfingers]

John saw the light reflect off the moisture in her eye, and felt a surge of sorrow move through him. Goddess, this was so hard...

He hoped she wasn't counting the minutes, but he knew his time was limited. He took a deep breath, "I have a couple things I need to tell you, and I couldn't decide which to tell you first. So, I flipped a coin."

He took another breath, "We're still married."

Ashley started to object, and he tried to explain, "I know. I didn't know until recently. I was audited, and the only thing that turned up was I had filed as single, and according to the IRS, I am married, to you. I made some calls, yelled a bit, went to some offices, wrote letters, and in the end found our paperwork had been lost somewhere, or didn't have an 'i' dotted, or something. So, according to the laws of the state, we are still married."

He didn't know what he expected from her, his wife still, but shock seemed to be the best way to describe what he saw. He looked at her, sorrow scarring his face, "We would have to file again, from scratch..."

He saw tears start to run down her cheek, and he felt his own eyes moisten, "I am so sorry Ashley, I never meant for this to happen. I never meant to hurt you. I only wanted what was best for you."

When she asked him how leaving her was best for her, John ran his hands through his hair, "Because I am no good for you, no good for anyone. I am fucked up. Damaged goods. And I thought you deserved better. If I got out of your life, then you would find a decent man to share your life, somebody good."

Tears ran down his face. The bandaid had been torn off, and his whole psyche ached with hurt and shame.

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She hadn't a clue that such a simple gesture, would make her feel so many emotionals all at once, but it had. She was at a loss for words again, and felt restless sitting there at the table but she didn't want to make anything more awkward then it already appeared to be.

She looked downw at her glass of water, as if looking for some hidden answers, or just, looking for the real reason he was there, clearly it hadn't just been about giving her a locket, but she was not even about to question him. She was grateful when he finally did speal, and she looked over at him, and listened carefully giving him her full attention. There was more than one thing to tell her she thought, that didn't sound very good, was she even mentally prepared for whatever he did have to tell her? She didn't really know, hell she hadn't been mentally prepared to see him at her door either, but she was handling that pretty good she thought to herself.

Although his next sentence stunned her, and she thought maybe now he was there just to play some trick on her, or perhaps it was just her own mind playing tricks on her, no she thought she had heard him right, and clear as day.

She started to tell him that there was no way.. but he then started to explain, rather calmly given the circumstances. As he explained, she thought that the room was spinning and then she just realized it was her head that was spinning, she was forming a rather large headache. She looked at him incrediously, and knew this was no joke. John was dead serious. This was really happening. She shook her head, confused and baffled all at the same time.

She knew what a sight she must be now, she was fighting back tears, she had moved on and then this, how did things like this happen, she wondered to herself.. if she believed in any kind of kismet, this was the time to start believing in it now. Then she thought about filing all the paperwork over again, it was hard enough to do once, if she had to do it twice, would she really be able to ever move on... or would this crush her all over again.

She found it to hard not to let her tears fall, so she did... she didn't really want him to see her as weak, but then again Ashley never was one that his her feelings very well in the first place. And she knew that his intention was never to hurt her... he wasn't that type of man.. she also knew, though that this had hurt like hell the first time, and now she had to face this all over again.

There was so much she wanted to say, or rather that she had to say, but first she just simply asked him how his leaving was best for her. She couldn't sit anymore she was to what restless, angry, confused, she didn't know, so she stood idly and walked to the counter and leaned against it, before looking back at John, as he ran his fingers through his hair and started to speak again. Hearing what he had to say should have some how made her feel better, but it really didn't, she angrily wiped her tears from her eyes, and looked at him more serious than she had ever looked at another person in her life.

She hated to see him like this too, she knew he felt he had done what was best for her, but while sure he may have felt at the time it was right, it sure as hell wasn't fair.

''What gave you the right to decide for me John...Yes I was young, maybe a little naive, maybe alot in experienced, but you knew I loved you, you knew I would have done everything that I could have to be with you.. you made the decision, to leave me... you didn't even explain, not really anyway... I dont know what you mean by your fucked up or damaged goods, all I know is it was my choice and you took it away from me.." She had never been so angry in her life.. and again tears were in her eyes, as she spoke the words that she had wanted to say for so long.

"Your leaving wasn't best for me... it was best for you." She turned around facing away from him, her heart was beating so fast her hands were shaking and tears were rolling down her face, and she had a massive headache. She may have said to much or may have even been to harsh but it was the way she felt and it was to late to take any of it back now that was for sure.

Then she thought how horrible she sounded, and that she didn't really know all of why he left, maybe there was alot she didn't know.. without turning to face him, she sighed. "I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have said any of that." She whispered with tears in her eyes, and she meant it she really was sorry.

 

[lovingfingers]

"Yes, you should have. You had every right to," he agreed sadly.

He sighed deeply, knowing there was more to say. "Leaving you was the hardest thing I have ever done. You were the one person I trusted, the only one...," he words trailed off.

"I had to," he started up again, "I knew I was fucked up. Every other woman I have ever been involved with has figured it out. I didn't want you to waste your life on the likes of me."

He choked a little, "At first I thought maybe... but I couldn't escape what I am."

He listened as Ashley pressed him over what made him such a train wreck. He stood and started to unbutton his long sleeve shirt. He saw her eyes widen a little, and said, "No, its not what you think. Didn't you ever wonder why I always wore long sleeve shirts, why didn't shower together, why I flinched every time you touch my chest or back?"

As he spoke, he unbuttoned the front of his shirt. Pale white scars appeared as he opened it. He undid the sleeves and slid the shirt off. His wrist bore the worst scars, chelated, ugly. His arms, like his chest were covered with pale stripes. He turned his back to her. More of the same, but denser, crisscrossing, some raised.

He turned to face her again, and saw her face was white. His was flushed with shame, and memory and pain. He started to put his shirt back on, talking factually, "Got most of these from my foster parents, before I was ten. I never have been able to stand anyone touching my torso since. What kind of husband could I be if my wife couldn't even touch me?"

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

Still she felt bad for what she had said, Ashley never was the type of person that enjoyed hurting anyone, and she could clearly see he was hurting, and though she was too, at this moment, she put her own pain on the back burner.. John was always so strong, and yet there was something different about him demeaner at the moment.

She finally turned back around to face him, though it was hard, she could see the pain etched all over her face, and she thought that was worse then him ever walking out on her, so she fought her own tears back, and instead chewed on her lip. Then she thought if you trusted me so much, then how could you have left me like that, but she decided it best not to say what she was thinking at the moment.

She listened carefully to each word he said, and at the mention of other woman, her heart broke all over again, but it wasn't as if they were together, so what right did she have to be any sort of upset, then she thought of how long she waited for him, then finally gave up, but hadn't really ever moved on.. now she wished she would have tried harder. She got upset when he said the likes of him.. it was her life to waste!!! Not his. She did finally speak up at this point, or she was going to go insane. "Im not other woman." Was all she said simply then continued to listen to him.

She was chewing on her lip so hard that she thought she might draw blood.. it was the only thing that was keeping her from falling completely apart. Why was she so upset about other woman, he left her, they weren't together so she needed to get a grip at least on that.

She wanted to know why he felt the way he felt, and though she didn't want to push him, she at least had to know. She took a deep breath when he stood and started to unbutton his shirt. She couldn't hide the expression on her face, she never was very good at any of that. She hadn't really thought of any of that, she only ever thought that she loved him, so she didn't think to much of why he seemed uneasy when she tried touching him, and she just figured he wore long sleeved shirts cause thats what he prefered, maybe she was just that young and in love and she was just blind.

She watched as he started to unbutton his shirt, she realized her heart was pounding, she pulled her long hair from her holder, hoping it would ease some of her headache some. She was stunned at what she was seeing. Her breath seemed to catch when he removed his shirt, then she thought back to when he made love to her the first time, she remebered he was wore his shirt then... but still she hadn't thought about it. She was so lost, and so confused that she ran her fingers through her hair, and when she noticed what looked like rope burns on his wrist, she felt slightly nauseated. She felt anger at what she was seeing, how did this happen. When he turned she felt even more anger, how could someone so handsome and so strong, have that many scars on his beautiful body.

She didn't realize how pale she had turned, she felt sick at what she was seeing and not because she thought he was ugly, cause that sure as hell wasn't it. She could see the pain in his stunning eyes, and again her heart broke all over again. She watched as he started putting his shirt back on, before she asked him not to, she didn't want him to think she saw him anything other than John.. he would always be handsome and he would always be her John. She couldn't help that a tear rolled down his cheek, what kind of monster did this to a child, to a person as kind and strong and captivating as John and she was sure he was the same as a child if not even sweeter. She felt a sudden rage go through her.

She was at a loss for words... for a moment anyway. ''Are the monsters that did this to you... are they alive?'' And she knew her voice was shaking. She took a deep breath, she walked over to him, she didn't really know what she was going to do, she wouldn't touch him, though she wanted to, she wanted to take all those bad memories and bury them... instead she leaned up and touched his cheek softly.. "I am so sorry." She whispered before another tear rolled down her cheek. "I still think your a beautiful man." That sounded stupid she thought, oh well the words were out.

"I wouldn't have left you know... I would I don't now what I would have done, but I wouldn't have left.." She whispered and turned away, she couldn't look into his eyes, she would start balling like a baby if she did... but now she understood...

"The other woman... how could you be with them, if they couldn't touch you?'' She asked and she hoped her tone hadn't let him know that him being with other woman tore her up inside.

 

[lovingfingers]

"No, I think they're gone. It was years ago, and they were in another state..." he trailed off, not wanting to think about the couple that scarred him.

He listened to Ashley, every word, and the more she said, the more he felt a fool for leaving her. How could he have been so stupid?

When she touched his cheek, he closed his eyes. Her hand was warm, and soft, and felt.. so good. In that moment, he realized how much he had lost by leaving, how really good she had been. He almost whimpered when she took it away.

She turned away from him, hiding her face. This figured this must be awfully hard for her too. When she asked about the other women, he felt ashamed. Even in his pained state, he could tell it bothered her.

The truth, give her the truth. "It was mostly at BD/SM clubs, a party or two, scenes were I had complete control, where the women were bound, where they couldn't touch me. It was ok there, but the minute we left the scene and they found out what a freak I was, it was over."

He finished with a soft, "I'm sorry," his head hanging down. wondering if he should leave.

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She hoped like hell the people that did this were burning in hell somewhere, Ashley was always a very forgiving person, but this simply was not a situation that was to be forgiven, all she felt was rage, and she even felt if these people were alive, and she ever knew them surely she would want to kill them herselves, she surprised herself with her own dark thoughts, then shook those thoughts away, that didn't matter, all that mattered right now was John.

She wasn't sure what they would have or could have had, but she would have tried everything and anything to be with him, she loved him that much, even now she had to admit, she still loved him, she knew she never really stopped, as much as she tried she never could.

Just touching him, a simple sweet gesture, only made her realize more that she was still in love with, him. Problem was he had walked away from her once, what if she couldn't handle all this, would she be able to handle losing him all over again, or if he couldn't handle things would he just leave her again, it killed her losing him once, could she go through that again, and then she thought to herself that she knew she would go through hell and back to make him see that no matter what, she would stand by his side. She had so many thoughts through her head and she was confused. All she knew is she wanted nothing more than to just take all the pain of his past away, but she wasn't sure she would or could even do that.

She didn't turn away because of him, she turned away because of her own feelings, and where as she might not like everything he would tell her, she needed to know.. she needed to know.. so she could what understand.. she didn't really know at this point, she just wanted to know everything.

She listened as he spoke, and where as she thought it would upset her, it really didn't. She was more upset that he labled himself a freak. She didn't feel that way about him, then again she didn't really know what all this entailed.. or what he was really into, but deep down she would never walk away, if you loved someone, or really wanted to be with that person, then nothing else mattered.

She turn around and looked at him then, "I am not upset about other woman, John... I just wish you would have let me in, I care about you, I always have." She whispered and then walked over and took his hand. She didn't just care she was still in love with him, but she couldn't tell him that. She whispered. "I'll always care."

 

[lovingfingers]

So many thoughts collided in John's mind. He had not dreamt that this would be here reaction. Sobbing, rage, homicide, indifference he had all imagined. But taking his hand and telling him that she would always care?

He squeezed her hand, trying not to let an ocean of tears out, "I know... I know that now. You always were.. so.."

His voice trailed off. He didn't dare use the "L" word. He didn't know if that is how she felt. Hell, he wasn't sure he knew what it was. But he did feel sure that what Ashley had felt towards him was the closest he had ever seen.

He released her hand when he heard a knock at the door. He stepped back, "I know that I have been longer than five minutes. I am sorry. Things took longer than I expected. I can go if you want me to."

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She wanted nothing more than to show him how much she cared, but the last thing she wanted was to push him, and then ultimately push him away in the process. Sure she was still hurt that he had pushed her away, but at least she understood now why. Even now after all this time, she knew she would never love someone the way that she loved him, and she knew there were obstacles, and didn't really know if even together they could trump his past. She needed to touch him, she ached to show him how much she missed him, but she wouldn't hurt him, by pushing herself on him.

His hand felt good holding hers, and when he squeezed her heart ached for everything that had happened to him. She smiled up at him, but didn't let go of his hand.

She was at a loss for words once again. She wished she could read his thoughts at the moment, she however could feel his pain and that hurt her more than her own pain. She didn't really understand where they stood, this really was so much to process. She wondered if he had ever really felt any type of love.. All she knew is she wanted to show him that she loved him, even if all it was were her words. She sighed and looked into his eyes and was ready to tell him when there was a knock at the door.

Oh for fucks sake Ashley Thought to herself. She looked at him and took a long deep breath, debating on answering it or not. She shook her head gently. "The last thing I want is for you to leave." She said gently... "I am not expecting anyone, but please don't leave." She said all but begging him, she lost him once she wasn't going to risk it again.

 

[lovingfingers]

He smiled softly for the first time in days, "I'll be right here."

He saw how Ashley seemed to relax a little and then turn to walk down the hall. The same toned ass beneath her yoga pants caught his eye again. Maybe this was worth it...

He took a sip of now cool coffee as he heard voices, Ashley's and some guy's. John looked up to see Ashley, looking tense, followed by a nice looking fellow, looking eager and happy. They walked into the kitchen and the guy made a beeline to John, shaking his hand and appraising him, "good morning, Dean Thomas, hope I am not interrupting. Ashley and I have plans today."

Dean got a mug from the cupboard and poured himself some coffee. He clearly knew his way around here.

John made his face a mask, as he turned to Ashley, "I won't take any more of your time. Here is my card. I have a few more folks to see around town. Thanks for the coffee."

He would have taken her hand, but Dean had walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, all but saying, "mine."

John nodded to them and walked out of the kitchen, house, and to his car. As he drove off, he mumbled to himself, "what did you expect? She's a catch and every other guy saw that."

He drove down the road, berating his stupidity, until he found himself in familiar surroundings. He turned. May as well visit the farm. It was his after all, at least something in this town was...

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She was relieved when he told her he would be right there, because if he left she didn't know where that would leave them.

She sighed she didn't want to leave him, there was still so much for them to talk about, mainly about what they were going to do about there marriage. This was the second time today for a unknown knock on her door.

Ashley led Dean to the kitchen, great she thought just fucking great, this was really what she needed right now, she liked Dean, and they had been dating, but they weren't in a relationship, though the way he acted, anyone in there right mind would think that they were. She looked to the floor when he introduced himself rather arrogently she thought to herself to John and the last thing she wanted was for John to feel out of place. When he said that they had plans today, she thought to herself that they definantly did not have any plans.

She had never seen this side of Dean before, sure he was very sure of himself, but this was her house and John was her guest, and Dean was being boderline rude.

She was more than upset and she knew her emotion was etched on her face, her dark eyes had became even darker. She didn't want him to leave, that was the last thing she wanted.

You have to be kidding me, she thought to herself when Dean wrapped his arm around her, he was not a very touchy feely person, so she knew this was all for show and she was sure as hell going to tell him about it too.

When John left she turned on her heels and glared at Dean. "Seriously that was really uncalled for." He looked at her and shrugged innocently. "He was my guest, this is my house, and he is my husband.'' She stunned herself when she admitted he was her husband and Dean looked at her incrediously. He asked her what the hell she was talking about, and she told him the whole story. ''I'm sorry.. I honestly had no idea I was still married, but until this is all sorted out, I can't really see you, your a great guy, and I do care for you, and as much as you just pissed me off, with your clear display of being a ass, I get it.'' She said with a soft smile. He was upset, she could see that, and he told her he would not give up on her, but he told her to deal with this and then they would really be together. She didn't say much else, and watched when he kissed her cheek and walked out the door.

She sighed to herself, she needed a shower, and to gather herself and then she would call John... she didn't want him running out on her again.

She changed into a black tank top pulled her denim blue jean jacket over it, pulled on tight denim blue jeans, and wore knee high black boots, it was still raining she thought she left her hair down, and pulled the necklace he had given her back around her neck, she looked herself over and said good enough.

She grabbed her cell, and decided on a text. "I am really sorry about that, it was unexpected.. and he was a jerk, we still have much to talk about, please don't shut me out again." She hit send and curled up on her couch with her cats at her side and waited to hear back from him.

 

[lovingfingers]

It was still raining when John arrived at his grandparents.. his ranch. As he pulled in, he saw someone look out of the barn and recognized his friend, Samual. The man looked twice as John got out of the car, then walked towards him, "Well, as I live and breathe, John! I have given up hope you would ever come back."

John gave his friend a handshake and a rueful smile, "I... life has been complicated."

"Uh huh city boy," Sam kidded him, "Come in and have a beer and we'll talk."

They walked into the farm house, John looking around at the improvements Sam had made, complimenting his efforts. Sam made mention that he loved the place, and hoped that John's return didn't mean he had to leave.

"No, no," John replied, "This place is more yours than mine now. We'll work something out. I am just grateful that you took such good care of the place."

Sam relaxed further and asked why John had returned. He told him and Sam whistled, "What are you going to do?"

"Don't know," John replied honestly, ""Looks like Ashley has moved on, got another man, so..."

They sat in silence for a time, until John got Ashley's text. He raised an eyebrow and showed it to Sam, who looked at him, "Git your ass back there, and don't fuck it up."

"Thanks pal," John grinned uneasily. He texted back, "At the ranch. Will be back at your place in an hour."

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She found herself unsure what to do after she had sent the text, so she decided to throw some laundry in the wash. She wondered if she should call her mother, but she was sure what her mother would say. After she got done throwing the cloths in the wash, she just kind of paced along the small laundry room. She needed things to keep her busy. She decided on sweeping and mopping the hall way that led into her home.

She finished that task and sighed to herself, who was she fooling, just because she was keeping herself busy it wasn't as if she weren't waiting on her phone to sound off.

She looked down at Tiger who was following her around, it was as if he knew she was upset. ''Your a good boy." She said and reached to pick him up she wasn't sure where Tiny was, probably under the bed sleeping. She held Tiger and stroked him, before he was annoyed and jumped from her arms.

She took a long deep breath and walked to the front porch, she needed some fresh air, and maybe at least would clear her head. The cool breeze felt good on her hot face, she wanted to see where they were going to go from here, no she needed to know where they were going to go from here.

She looked out at the rain, and even though she hated it, she noted there were good things about it, water, the smell, so in a sense she supposed she liked it as well. She shook her head, her thoughts were jumping all over the place, she was even having a hard time keeping up.

Walking back into the house, she pulled a book she had been reading off of her book shelf. She then settled on the couch and figured she would just read until he wrote her back.

Even reading was not feeling very rewarding or very enjoyable like it normally would have been.

She had hoped he hadn't decided to run off on her again. At least the book was a distraction.. and then after what seemed like hours, her cell phone went off.

She smiled and finally her nerves were settled, at least she knew he wasn't running away from her at least not yet.

A hour she thought that was enough to throw a meal for them together. She grabbed everything she needed for the meal and set to cooking.

 

[lovingfingers]

As he drove back to Ashley's, the rain slowed. He looked around a bit at the area, noting things that had changed and that had stayed the same. He knew he had changed some, but like his scars, some things stayed with you. He wondered why he felt lighter as he entered her town. It wasn't like they were getting back together. And even if, by some miracle, she was silly enough to think about it, she could do so much better than him.

They had to talk about the divorce. It was going to suck to go through it all again. He was mulling how best to even talk about the details, when he saw a familiar sign by the road, Charlie's. He smiled briefly. They had always enjoyed going there.

He slowed as he got close. Why not? Just for old time's sake. He pulled in and got out. Still the same menu, so ordering was easy. As he stood waiting, he reflected on the year they were together. It hadn't all been bad. He had tried to be a good husband, and maybe even succeeded now and again.

His order arrived and he paid the bill. Prices had gone up. As he walked back to the car, he reminded himself not to get his hopes up, or have expectations. It was just dinner and divorce.

He arrived at Ashley's house fifteen minutes later. The rain had stopped as he walked to the front door and knocked. It opened and he saw Ashley standing inside, looking very cute in her denim and black tank. By any standard, she was a very pretty girl. He stepped inside and inhaled. She had been cooking. He raised the back with the 'Charlie's' logo on the side, and grinned, "Great minds..."

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

She was glad that the rain was slowly starting to stop, and she was even more grateful that John was coming back. She wasn't sure what was going to happen, but she knew they both had alot to talk about. She at least better understood him... or at least she wanted to better understand him. She was not the same little 19 year old he had married, she was stronger, she spoke her mind, and she knew what she wanted, and she was hardworking, had her own home, and though the sting of him leaving was still there, she finally realized that she hadn't crumbled as she thought she would.. and she knew then and there that she had damn well never moved on.

She thought to herself, you could grow up, pretend that person didn't matter, but she realized the first time she opened the door, or even when she opened that e-mail, that none of the things she felt for him had went away... and maybe she was a fool but there was no denying she still loved him, now as much as she had back then. She was chewing her lip, and told her seld to just stop thinking so much.

The last thing she wanted was to scare him off, but my god how she wanted to take all the pain that he had gone through away, but she also didn't want him to leave her again, she lived through that once, and sure she was strong..but she wasn't sure if she was strong enough for that. She put thoughts of the divorce in the back of her mind, but then again.. wasn't that the real reason they needed to talk, yes that was the reason, but she also wanted to know how he had really been.

She ran her fingers through her hair, why the hell did love and life have to be so damned complicated. She smiled down as the cats hugged at her legs, she leaned down and patted them. She set back to the meal at hand, it was just some simple stir fry.

She let the food simmer, and then walked out to the garden and clipped some of her pink roses, then set to putting them in a vase and placing them in the middle of the kitchen table. Perfect she thought to herself. She had always loved flowers, she thought about there wedding day, and she shook her head, remebering the pink rose in her hair. Now that he was back so many memories of the year they spent together flooded her mind. She looked down at her neck and at the locket and sighed. She thought back to her mom and dad telling her she was to young, but she didn't care she was in love, and she wanted to be with him... and even though at that time she knew it was more of a marriage of conveinance, at least she had the man she loved.

She took a deep breath and set the table. She decided to turn the satellite radio on, to a simple quiet station. She almost thought about lighting some candles and then thought against that. She wanted him to feel comfortable, hell she wanted to feel comfortable, but all she felt was tense.

She finished up glad that she went with the easiest of meals. She heart the knock and the door and looked down at her outfit, maybe she should have worn something a little softer, then dark colors and jeans. To late now she thought, and opened the door and smiled softly, he was even more handsome then she had remembered. She always felt, well she never could find the right words, but inadequate was the one word that came to mind, next to John, he was him and well she was her. Next time she was going to wear a dress.

Now she was just being foolish she thought to herself. She smiled as he held up the back and blushed... he remembered,she thought about her meal and then decided this was so much better. For a moment she couldn't find words. ''Your's is much better than mine, mine can make due for lunch tomorrow, I haven't had Charlies in forever.'' She said and smiled as she led him to the kitchen. ''What would you like to drink, I have tea, coffee, soda, white or red wine and beer, or water.'' She said softly.

 

[lovingfingers]

Seeing smile warmed his heart, and again he marveled at how different this was than the tears and anger that he had expected. She had cooked for him. God, how long had it been since anyone had cooked for him? He felt a little silly, holding a bag of take out, but she had smiled!

"As he followed her to the kitchen, he listened to her drink offerings, and joked, "Wow, a full service facility. I would love a beer, and I hope I can have a bit of what you made. I always loved your cooking."

As the moments passed, and more memories came back to him, he realized that there had been a lot in those times that he had loved, although it was only when he had left them, left her, that he realized it.

He looked at the table in the kitchen, arrayed with roses, and thought that all it was missing was candles. A soft feeling descended on him, and as much as part of him fought it, he enjoyed it. He knew he shouldn't. He was here to talk about the divorce.

But it would wait until after dinner. It wasn't going anywhere and there was no sense in ruining a good meal.

Ashley dished him some stir fry as he unpacked the bag from Charlie's. The soft feeling deepened as they ate together, enjoying familiar food. They talked about safe things, jobs, people they knew, the weather. Even after dinner was done, they lingered at the table. He accepted her offer of a glass of wine and they slowly started catching up. He was proud of her. She had done well for herself. She was everything that he had remembered, and more.

When his glass of wine was finished, he noticed the sun was low in the sky. He sighed. He probably should go. It was getting late and he had a drive ahead of him. Although, part of his brain reminded him, he could always crash at the ranch.

He looked out a window, "the sunsets here are so much prettier than they are in the city. I've missed them. I missed.. so much."

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

There was so much she still needed to say to him, so many things she wanted him to know. She couldn't hide her delight that he remembered Charlie's... she still very much loved him, and she could feel her heart racing at the closeness of him. She wondered if it showed that she was actually very happy that he was there.

She took a deep breath and told herself to just relax, she had nothing to be nervous about.. this was John. She opened the fridge and got him a beer, and then poured herself a glass of red wine, she was always about the sweeter taste, and she picked a sangria. "I would love you to have what I made.'' She said with a blush as she gently looked at him.

She may have been hurt by the past, but at the same time, the past had taught her how to be a better person... how to forgive, how to really love another, though she never really moved on from him.. she wanted to love him all over again, harder and longer than before, and then she realized that even if he left her again, she could at least try and give him all the love she had, and though not being able to touch him, might be a hard thing to grasp, she was willing to give whatever he needed a try and she was going to let him know that, maybe not right now but soon.

She walked over to the stove and stirred the stirfry, but waited before putting them on the table. She absently tucked a piece of strand hair behind her ear. She looked at him kindly, she wanted him to know she wanted him there. She was scared she would say the wrong thing and run him away.

''Thank you for going to Charlies I am glad you remembered." She surprised herself in thinking that.

She dished him a plate of her stirfry, watched as he pulled dishes out of the charlies bags. Just simply sitting there with him having a meal together brought out so many feelings she had thought she had buried. She loved hearing about his life, about him. She knew they had to talk, but she just didn't want to bring anything up, and even now she ached to touch him, at least to hold him. She didn't think her life was all that interesting but she shared it with him anyway. She looked over at him across the table. She fiddled with her necklace.

She finished her wine, and she knew she should say something, but she had to gather her thoughts, and what she really wanted to say to him. She was afraid this would be the last time she'd see him for a while. She wondered what he was thinking. She wondered if he was going home that night, or if he was crashing at his ranch. She would ask him, in a moment or two anyway, or minutes.

She looked at him as he spoke, standing by the window... she walked over to him, she took his hand and hoped he wouldn't flinch or pull away, then she remembered he hadn't before. ''Its prettier from my porch.. want to sit with me?" She asked softly.

She didn't wait for a answer, she walked outside with him, and let him to her porch swing. ''I know this may be forward.. but I... do you want to stay here... um you don't have to... but there is so much I want to, no that I need to tell you, ask you." She said softly.

 

[lovingfingers]

He was sitting on the porch swing with Ashley, and a profound sense of peace descended upon him. He had never been here before, but he felt like he was.. home. He could feel his body relax and his heart soften. When Ashley asked if he would like to stay, he could only smile, replying softly, "Thank you, I would like that."

They sat on the swing, hand in hand, watching the sunset. He had watched them before, more recently in meditations and vigils, but this one was simply beautiful. Its colors sang to him and bathed him. He felt the great rhythm of nature, and his own rhythm, and the rhythm of the woman sitting with him. As the light faded, he turned to her, seeing the Ashley he had known, the woman she had become, and the Goddess within her. She noticed him looking at her and turned her head towards him.

"You... are so.. beautiful," he said softly.

 

[AngelofyourNighmares]

Her heart was racing, but she was at ease, where as before she was so tense and so confused, and where she still might be slightly confused she also felt like this was right, he was the missing piece to her puzzle, and though there was still so many things she didn't know, she knew deep down, this was the way it was always supposed to be.

Noone had ever made her feel the way she felt when she was with him. Even after all these years, just being in the same place with him, made her feel like she was always meant to be wth him, and even if that wasn't the way things were going to turn out, for now at least this was enough.

She couldn't believe that she had asked him to stay with her, she knew she didn't really mean in her room, she had a spare, but she had meant every word, she wanted him to stay, she had never wanted more, it was funny how she thought she had put this part of her life away, and had forgotten everything... then just seeing him had made her do a complete 180, part of her was still so hurt by the past, part of her didn't even care about the past this was here and this was now.

His hand in hers, felt right... he made her feel content and safe, he always did have that ability, and even after his admission, she knew she would stay by his side, and she knew eventually she would have to ask him about his world, and see if there was a place for her there.

She loved it out here, this was the main reason she had bought this house, she loved the stunning view, and the wrap around porch, but now there was more of a reason why she was loving it out there. She didn't want the divorce, she hadn't wanted it the first time, and even if he felt they weren't right for one another, she felt that he was so wrong about that... they were more right for one another then he realized, and no matter what of his past, one way or the other she needed to make him see this.

Her heart was racing, and she knew she wanted to tell him all of this... she wanted to tell him, that if he really wanted the divorce, she would give it to him... but she also wanted him to know she never wanted it not then not now, and she would be willing to go without touching him, to sacrifice things to be with him... he meant that much to her.

She was the right woman for him, and she would tell him just that. She could feel his eyes on her, and it only added to the beating of her heart, as she turned slowly and tenderly looked at him. She blushed at his comment, and reached to touch his face softly.. "I don't want a divorce." She said simply looking at him more seriously than she ever had before.

She knew that this would more in likely bring out a discussion.. she didn't care... she meant it. ''I didn't want it the first time, I don't want it now..'' And before he could say anything she leaned in and gently and tenderly kissed him, yeah they needed to talk, but right now her heart was doing the thinking.