BDSM: Questions and Answers

[SpectreT]

Re: The Hoods

I really enjoy tight fitting things on and around my head and face, personally. When I set myself up in some self-bondage (Not very satisfying, especially since I have to be able to get free, from the waist up at least, in the blink of an eye in case anyone comes home on me) I like to wrap a few Ace bandages tightly around my head over my (homemade) gag, leaving just my nose peeking out. The only time I have a problem is when I have sinus congestion. (Colds, Nasal Infections, that sort of thing.)

Let any shirt I'm wearing get too close to my throat, though, and I'll have myself a nice little panic attack. Go figure.

Ear plugs might be a cool idea, but not when I have to worry about getting walked in on.

 

[Guest]

Peeking in

 

[BlondGirl]

Thanks, y'all. I appreciate the stroking of my ego. Seasons such as the one that is currently nearing its end tend to leave me depressed and it is difficult for me to be creative or feel much real pleasure. The nasty thoughts that were echoing through my head as I was concocting those ideas were a delicious diversion.

(Of course, when the depression is already pushing its limits and Good Old Auntie Flo comes to visit, it only adds insult to injury! Please take that into consideration as you encounter my moodiness right now.)

 

[Desdemona]

Fascinating thread

OK. Now that I've read through it all, an early post sparked a question for me that I don't recall seeing addressed. This early post was about reasons to stop play... such as submerged or repressed memories surfacing. The person who wrote this also said that this was not an uncommn occurrence. Perhaps this is common knowledge but, are we talking about memories of child abuse?

 

[Blackbich]

Re: Fascinating thread

OK. Now that I've read through it all, an early post sparked a question for me that I don't recall seeing addressed. This early post was about reasons to stop play... such as submerged or repressed memories surfacing. The person who wrote this also said that this was not an uncommn occurrence. Perhaps this is common knowledge but, are we talking about memories of child abuse?

You're talking about landmines. Sometimes, they are repressed memories. I think it depends on the person. I've never been abused but I have a thing about being slapped. That would probably cause me to lose my mind. Or say, as a rape victim (if I were a sub) that we were doing an especially 'intense' scene that caused flashbacks of the rape. Anytime your sub is in trouble that is cause for ending the session REGARDLESS. Your subs/bottoms/slave's well being, including emotional, should be your main concern.

Okay...now that I've babbled...I hope you gathered from my answer that it's not necessarily childhood abuse that causes problems, although that can certainly happen.

MistressHoney...you will be sorely missed. Come back soon.

BlondGirl, you are majorly adored and loved. You and cym have answered many questions from inquiring minds and, I for one, am glad I made your acquaintance.

 

[Desdemona]

Thank you

This makes perfectly good sense. Thanks for the answer Blackbich.

 

[seXieleXie]

i can't believe i read the whooooole thing

but i did. 42 pages, and i didn't even let myself skim. i even went to some of the links. wow, aren't i special?

i'm not even sure what to say except a huge thank you to everyone, from knowledgeable to newbie, for all you have contributed.

i've come to see that i was severely lied to... and probably abused as well...under the guise of D/s. that is a scary thought... and calls for quite a bit of introspection. i let myself be abused... how the hell did that happen?

*sigh* but along with the not so pleasent i have some very yummy new knowledge and images floating in my head. so thank you once again, and once i get my feet back on the ground i will have some questions for you all.

 

[Guest]

Penis eye stretching

Has anyone here had experience with stretching the "eye" of their penis? And can you give me any tips on how to go about it?

 

[girl]

Re: i can't believe i read the whooooole thing

i've come to see that i was severely lied to... and probably abused as well...under the guise of D/s. that is a scary thought... and calls for quite a bit of introspection. i let myself be abused... how the hell did that happen?

Unfortunately, this happens more in the lifestyle than I think people like to admit, though most in the lifestyle have seen it, probably often. It's very easy for a predator to take advantage of a new submissive, especially females (not being sexist - I've found the dynamic of most male submission to be different than female). There is such a desire to please that it sometimes overshadows the submissive's normal good sense. Once the community (whether online or rl) is discovered, a sub (and doms as well, they're not immune) go nuts and want it now. It's very easy to take advantage of someone like that. I always try to encourage new folks, dom or sub, to take time, get to know people and learn before they accept a collar or get otherwise seriously involved with someone. It takes a lot of restraint, but it's worth it in the end, I believe, and it can save a whole lot of heartache.

My .02,
girl

 

[Guest]

Re: Penis eye stretching

Has anyone here had experience with stretching the "eye" of their penis? And can you give me any tips on how to go about it?

Does this belong in this thread?

Try the tattoo's and piercing thread--lots of edgier-with-their-bodies kinds of folks hang out there.

 

[lilfrk]

I do believe it belongs here since it can be a BDSM type of play. You can buy things on BDSM toy sites for just that type of play. Maybe I'm odd, but for me piercings and BDSM go together.

 

[seXieleXie]

thank you for the advice girl
what i'm dwelling on right now is that i allowed this. i can't believe i was so stupid but of course hindsight is 20/20 and all i can do now is make sure my future relationships don't fall into this pattern.

and now the questions:

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers.

when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of the role of submissive?

again, this will differ for everyone and i'm just interested in the range of answers... how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

okay that's it for now. time for lexie to regroup. i await the answers with baited breath

 

[Desdemona]

lexie you just asked what I want to know

[B how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers. [/B]

I'm not currently satisfied with the amount of affection/tenderness/cuddling in my current situation. To be fair, we are discussing my needs and working on the relationship. I'm sort of waiting to see how things evolve.

 

[ShyGuy68]

seXieleXie I for one are truely sorry that you have had a bad experience with D/s.

I haven't had many experienced with it myself, but I know that I'm a Dom, but only when it comes to playing, because otherwise I want a totally equal relationship.

When it's play time, I know I'll notice how my sub reacts to me and what I'm doing to her, and there will of course be used safe words that's for sure.

I don't have an answer to all your questions, but will reply to some of it.

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships?

I'm not in a relationship currently, but to me it's all important to me. I like the intimacy to excist even outside the bed. It's so nice to just sit in the couch together, her leaned against me, as we both read a good book.


when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of her role as submissive?

Well as I said, I only want her to be a sub when it's play time, and not the rest of the time, so she'll probably say it when we don't play.


how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

I only think it'll excist to that extend that I'll use things like when she have been very naughty when we play, but not really otherwise.

I hope this have helped you some.

 

[Trinka]

I am sorry you had such a bad experience too, seXieleXie. That is not how it is supposed to be.

I think your questions are dependant on each person's needs in the relationship, as you have acknowledged.

One very important part of BDSM relationships is open communication, always, no matter what. The things we do WITH each other are done for mutual enjoyment, therefore I don't view a sub as coming our of his "role" when he tells me a need or want. Notice, I said "with" and not "to" because I veiw this as a mutual power exchange. I also see this as a very deep and tender relationship, that is filled with a deep trust; how else could we do the things we do. So, there is a lot of affection and cuddling.

BDSM does not only have to exist inside the bedroom. In fact, it is present in the way we interact with each other in all different levels from seeing to that person's comfort to showing respect in a public place.

I hope this is of help to you.

 

[cellis]

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers.

when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of the role of submissive?

again, this will differ for everyone and i'm just interested in the range of answers... how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

okay that's it for now. time for lexie to regroup. i await the answers with baited breath

lexie...

I can only speak for myself... In the bedroom, Himself is pretty much in charge... he sets the scenes... he makes the decisions... and I pretty much go along with anything he wants... sometimes it is all about him and his needs... but most of the time it is all about me... so I don't mind this at all...

However, it there is an issue we need to talk about we try to schedule a time when sex is not involved to discuss it... or talk about it on the phone if it is not a big issue...

In most things I tend to defer to Him or ask Him first because that is the nature of our relationship...

I do know if this is what you want to know, that is just the way it is with us....

There is more and I will be happy to share it with you... if you will pm, lexie....

 

[WriterDom]

I put this together for a friend who is writing a story. Thought it might be fun for the brave submissives to fill out. Some of you might recognize the questions from the Bondage.com profiles. I don't guess they'll mind me using them if I give them a plug.


For each activity, tell whether you have tried it, and how much you like it (or the idea of it, if you haven't done it yet) by giving a rating from 1 to 5.

"No" means you would not do it under any circumstances, 1 means you would do it if a partner really wanted you to (but there's no sexual charge for you at all), and 5 means it's insanely erotic to you.

A. Sex

Anal Sex (get)
Ass Cheek Sex (get)
Vibrators (get)
Breast Sex (get)
Butt Plugs (get)
Dildo - Anal (get)
Dildo - Oral (get)
Dildo - Vaginal (get)
Double Penetration - Dildo (get)
Double Penetration - Multiple partners
Finger Sex (get)
Genital Intercourse
Hand Job (give)
Licking (get)
Licking (give)
Massage (give)
Oral Sex (give)
Phone Sex
Sex in Public
Sex Outdoors Yes
Swinging (Trading your partners with other partners for any amount of time)
Teasing (get)
Triple Penetration - Dildo (get)
Triple Penetration - Multiple partners (get)

B. Bondage

Bondage - full body (get)
Bondage - Intricate Rope (get)
Bondage - Mental (get)
Bondage - Outdoors (get)
Bondage - Private (get)
Bondage - Public (get)
Boxing / Closeting (get)(Being put in a box or closet)
Breast Bondage (get)
Caging (get)
Crucifixion (get)
Mummification (get)
Restraint Duration: 0-1hr (get)
Restraint Duration: 1-3hrs (get)
Restraint Duration: 3+ hrs (get)
Restraint Duration: multiple days (get)
Restraint Duration: overnight or full day (get)
Restraint in public - under clothes (get)
Suspension (get)
Suspension - Horizontal (get)
Suspension - Inverted (get)

C. Bondage Toys

Blindfolds (get)
Body Bags (get)
Duct Tape (get)
Full Head Hoods (get)
Gags - ball type (get)
Gags - bits (get)
Gags - cloth (get)
Gags - inflatable (get)
Gags - phallic (get)
Gags - tape (get)
Gas Masks (get)
Harnessing - leather(get)
Harnessing - rope(get)
Headphone/Earplugs (get)
Masks (wear)
Padlocks (get)
Plastic Wrap (get)
Restraints - Ankle (get)
Restraints - Arm & leg sleeves (get)
Restraints - Hand Cuffs (get)
Restraints - Leather (get)
Restraints - Metal (get)
Restraints - Rope (get)
Restraints - Thumb Cuffs (get)
Restraints - Wrist (get)
Restraints - Wrist to ankle/neck/waist (get)
Silk Scarves (get)
Sleepsacks (get) - -
Slings/Swings (get)
Spreader bars (get)
Stocks (get)
Straight Jackets (get)

D. S&M

Abrasion (get)
Anal Dilation (get) - -
Anal Fisting (get)
Asphyxiation (get)
(Foot Sole Torture)
Biting (get)
Choking (get)
Face Slapping (get)
Fireplay (get)
Hair pulling (get)
Nipple Torture (get)
Spanking - on all fours (get)
Spanking - over knee (get)
Spanking hard (get)
Spanking soft (get)
Vaginal Dilation (get)
Vaginal Fisting (get) - -

E. S&M Toys

Belt/Strap (get)
Caning (get)
Clothespins (get)
Cupping/Suction (get)
Cutting (get)
Electricity - Tens Unit (get)
Electricity - Violet Wand (get)
- - Flogging (get)
Hairbrushes (get)
Ice Cubes (bottom)
Labial Clip (get)
Nipple Clamps (get)
Nipple Weights (get)
Paddling (get)
Piercing - temp (get)
Riding Crops (get)
Whipping - bullwhip (get)
Whipping - Cat (get)
Whipping - genitals (get)
Whipping - knotted whip (get)
Whipping - switch
Whipping - Taws (get)

F. Fetish


Abandonment (get)
Acrophilia (Arousal from heights)
Acrotomophilia (Sex with Amputees)
Agalmatophilia (Sex with Statues)
Barosmia (Arousal from smells)
Being Recorded
Bestiality (get) - -
Boot Worship (get)
Branding (sub) No No
Brown Showers (get) (Skat Play - Getting shit on)
Brown Showers (give)(Skat Play - Shitting on someone/thing)
Catheterization (get)
Cock Rings (others)
Corsets (others) - -
Corsets (you)
Diapers (you)
(Sex involving mud/dirt/oil)
Douching (get)
Enemas (get)
Erotic Dancing (sub)
Exhibitionism
Fear
Feathers/Fur (others)
Feathers/Fur (you)
Foot Worship (get)
Golden Showers (get)
Latex (others)
Latex (you)
Leather (others)
Leather (you)
Lingerie (others)
Lingerie (you)
Medical Instruments
Needles
Oral/Anal Play (get)
Oral/Anal Play (give)
Pain
Piercing (Permanent) (get)
Posing for Erotic Photos
Prostitution (real)
Public Exposure
Recording Scenes
Rituals
Sensory Deprivation (get)
Shaving (get)
Skinny-Dipping
Spandex (others)
Spandex (you)
Speculums (anal)
Speculums (vaginal)
Supplying victims (Providing subs for your dom)
Swallowing Semen
Taking Erotic Photos
Tasting Yourself
Tattoo (others)
Tattoos (you)
Tickling (get)
Uniforms (others)
Uniforms (you)
Voyeurism
Wearing Fluids
Wrestling

G. Power Play

Bathroom use control (sub)
Begging (sub)
Behavior Restrictive Rules (sub)
Butt Plugs - public (sub)
Chastity Belts (sub)
Clothing choice (sub)(Have your clothes chosen for you)
Cock Worship (sub)
Collar and Leash (sub)
Collars (sub)(Be made to wear a collar)
Competition (sub) (Subs compete)
Crawling (sub)
Eye Contact Restriction (sub)
Following Orders
Food Choice/Directed Eating (sub)
Forced Dressing (sub)
Forced Exercise (sub)
Forced Homosexuality (sub)
Forced Masturbation (sub)
Forced Nudity (sub)
Forced Servitude (sub)
Given Away(Be given away by your dom)
Hot Waxing (sub)
Housework (sub)
Humiliation - Private (sub)
Humiliation - Public (sub)
Humiliation - Verbal (sub)
Kneeling (sub)
Lecturing (sub)
Manicures (get)
Manicures (give)
Name Change (sub)
Orgasm Control (sub)
Orgasm Denial (sub)
Personality Modification (sub)
Pussy Worship (sub)
Serving Orally (sub)
Sexual Deprivation (sub)
Sleep Deprivation (sub)
Speech Restrictions (sub)
Standing in Corner (sub)
Struggling (sub)
Symbolic Jewelry (sub)
Weight Gain/Loss (sub)

H. Role Play

Chauffeuring (sub)
Fantasy Gang Rape (get)
Fantasy Rape (get)
Initiation Rites (sub)
Interrogations (sub)
Kidnapping (sub)
Medical Scenes (sub)
Other Animal Play (sub)
Physical Examinations (sub)
Pony Play (sub)
Prison Scenes
Prostitution (pretend)
Punishment Scene (sub)
Puppy Play (sub)
Religious Scenes (sub)
Serving as Art (sub)
Serving as Furniture (sub)
Serving as Maid (sub)
Strap on Dildos (sub)

 

[girl]

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers.

My lifestyle situation is rather complicated, so i'm not going to go into it right here, but I did want to make a point. As you acknowledge and several other people have said, this is dependent upon the people in the relationship and their wants and needs. I personally need a lot of affection in my relationships...tho that doesn't always mean cuddling or even touching. The point I wanted to make is that in any BDSM relationship, there needs to be some level of tenderness, etc, at the very least in the form of aftercare in playing. Not every scene will require aftercare, but I'd be confident in saying that at least occasional scenes in every relationship require aftercare. And aftercare usually equates to hugging, cuddling, petting and lots of reassuring noises.

when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of the role of submissive?

In my experience, the best way to deal with this is to approach the dominant away from the situation, either beforehand, or between sessions (if it's sexual/scene), or really at any downtime. The key to doing this is to approach the dominant respectfully and phrase your 'want' as a suggestion. Let him/her know that you like this new idea, or that you were reading and you thought this might be fun. It's your dominant's decision whether to do this thing (in my opinion), but the smart ones will do it at some point, or do a variant of it with their own personal twist.

again, this will differ for everyone and i'm just interested in the range of answers... how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

Most of my D/s exists outside the bedroom. That doesn't mean it has to for you, or for anyone else. Some people prefer to live their BDSM completely within the four walls of their sexuality. That's fine. Some people prefer to have it permeate their entire lives. That's fine too. It all depends on what you want and what your comfort level is. And don't expect to know what you want now. I'm going on 9 years in the lifestyle and if you'd have told me even three years ago that i'd be in the situation I'm in now, I would have laughed right in your face. Your wants and needs will grow as you do. Just take it a step at a time.

The ever verbose,
girl

 

[girl]

I haven't done one of these in a long time!

A. Sex

3 - Anal Sex (get)
1 - Ass Cheek Sex (get)
5 - Vibrators (get)
3 - Breast Sex (get)
3 - Butt Plugs (get)
3 - Dildo - Anal (get)
3 - Dildo - Oral (get)
4 - Dildo - Vaginal (get)
4 - Double Penetration - Dildo (get)
5 - Double Penetration - Multiple partners
4 - Finger Sex (get)
5 - Genital Intercourse
4 - Hand Job (give)
4 - Licking (get)
4 - Licking (give)
5 - Massage (give) - not necessarily a sexual thing
4 - Oral Sex (give)
5 - Phone Sex
4 - Sex in Public
4 - Sex Outdoors
3.5 - Swinging (Trading your partners with other partners for any amount of time)
5 - Teasing (get)
4 - Triple Penetration - Dildo (get)
5 - Triple Penetration - Multiple partners (get)

B. Bondage

4 - Bondage - full body (get)
3 - Bondage - Intricate Rope (get)
4 - Bondage - Mental (get)
4 - Bondage - Outdoors (get)
4 - Bondage - Private (get)
3 - Bondage - Public (get)
1 - Boxing / Closeting (get)(Being put in a box or closet)
1 - Breast Bondage (get)
3.5 - Caging (get)
1 - Crucifixion (get)
4 - Mummification (get)
3 - Restraint Duration: 0-1hr (get)
2 - Restraint Duration: 1-3hrs (get)
1 - Restraint Duration: 3+ hrs (get)
1 - Restraint Duration: multiple days (get)
1 - Restraint Duration: overnight or full day (get)
5 - Restraint in public - under clothes (get)
2 - Suspension (get)
2 - Suspension - Horizontal (get)
1 - Suspension - Inverted (get)

C. Bondage Toys

5 - Blindfolds (get)
3 - Body Bags (get)
1 - Duct Tape (get)
3 - Full Head Hoods (get)
No - Gags - ball type (get)
No - Gags - bits (get)
No - Gags - cloth (get)
No - Gags - inflatable (get)
No - Gags - phallic (get)
1 - Gags - tape (get)
1 - Gas Masks (get)
3 - Harnessing - leather(get)
3 - Harnessing - rope(get)
4 - Headphone/Earplugs (get)
3 - Masks (wear)
4 - Padlocks (get)
4 - Plastic Wrap (get)
5 - Restraints - Ankle (get)
3 - Restraints - Arm & leg sleeves (get)
1 - Restraints - Hand Cuffs (get)
5 - Restraints - Leather (get)
3 - Restraints - Metal (get)
4 - Restraints - Rope (get)
1 - Restraints - Thumb Cuffs (get)
4 - Restraints - Wrist (get)
4 - Restraints - Wrist to ankle/neck/waist (get)
3 - Silk Scarves (get)
2 - Sleepsacks (get) - -
4 - Slings/Swings (get)
3 - Spreader bars (get)
2 - Stocks (get)
1 - Straight Jackets (get)

D. S&M

3 - Abrasion (get)
1 - Anal Dilation (get) - -
No - Anal Fisting (get)
No - Asphyxiation (get)
1 - (Foot Sole Torture)
5 - Biting (get)
5 - Choking (get) - Without breathplay - hand tight around the throat without cutting off oxygen
4 - Face Slapping (get)
5 - Fireplay (get)
5 - Hair pulling (get)
2 - Nipple Torture (get)
4 - Spanking - on all fours (get)
4 - Spanking - over knee (get)
3 - Spanking hard (get)
4 - Spanking soft (get)
1 - Vaginal Dilation (get)
3 - Vaginal Fisting (get) - -

E. S&M Toys

2 - Belt/Strap (get)
1 - Caning (get)
1 - Clothespins (get)
1 - Cupping/Suction (get)
2 - Cutting (get)
3 - Electricity - Tens Unit (get)
4 - Electricity - Violet Wand (get)
4 - Flogging (get)
2 - Hairbrushes (get)
3 - Ice Cubes (bottom)
3 - Labial Clip (get)
2 - Nipple Clamps (get)
2 - Nipple Weights (get)
3 - Paddling (get)
* - Piercing - temp (get) Not sure about this...it intrigues me and scares me at once

2 - Riding Crops (get)
2 - Whipping - bullwhip (get)
3 - Whipping - Cat (get)
3 - Whipping - genitals (get)
3 - Whipping - knotted whip (get)
1 - Whipping - switch
2 - Whipping - Taws (get)

F. Fetish


No - Abandonment (get)
No - Acrophilia (Arousal from heights)
No - Acrotomophilia (Sex with Amputees)
1 - Agalmatophilia (Sex with Statues)
1 - Barosmia (Arousal from smells)
1 - Being Recorded
5 - Boot Worship (get) I think this should be (give), but either way, it's 5
1 - Branding (sub)
No - Brown Showers (get) (Skat Play - Getting shit on)
No - Brown Showers (give)(Skat Play - Shitting on someone/thing)
No - Catheterization (get)
3 - Cock Rings (others)
5 - Corsets (others) - -
4 - Corsets (you)
No - Diapers (you)
1 - (Sex involving mud/dirt/oil)
No - Douching (get)
1 - Enemas (get)
3 - Erotic Dancing (sub)
3 - Exhibitionism
4 - Fear Depends on the fear, of course
4 - Feathers/Fur (others)
4 - Feathers/Fur (you)
5 - Foot Worship (get)
3 - Golden Showers (get) specific scenarios
4 - Latex (others)
3 - Latex (you)
5 - Leather (others)
5 - Leather (you)
4 - Lingerie (others)
3 - Lingerie (you)
No - Medical Instruments
2 - Needles
4 - Oral/Anal Play (get)
3 - Oral/Anal Play (give)
4 - Pain Depends on the scene and the implement
4 - Piercing (Permanent) (get)
3 - Posing for Erotic Photos
1 - Prostitution (real) Prenegotiated
3 - Public Exposure
1 - Recording Scenes
5 - Rituals
4 - Sensory Deprivation (get)
3 - Shaving (get)
5 - Skinny-Dipping 32 years old and never been skinny dipping!
2 - Spandex (others)
1 - Spandex (you)
No - Speculums (anal)
No - Speculums (vaginal)
No - Supplying victims (Providing subs for your dom)
1 - Swallowing Semen
2 - Taking Erotic Photos
3 - Tasting Yourself
5 - Tattoo (others) if they're good!

4 - Tattoos (you)
1 - Tickling (get) not ticklish
5 - Uniforms (others)
3 - Uniforms (you)
5 - Voyeurism
4 - Wearing Fluids
4 - Wrestling

G. Power Play

3 - Bathroom use control (sub)
3 - Begging (sub)
4 - Behavior Restrictive Rules (sub)
1 - Butt Plugs - public (sub)
1 - Chastity Belts (sub)
3 - Clothing choice (sub)(Have your clothes chosen for you)
3 - Cock Worship (sub)
5 - Collar and Leash (sub)
5 - Collars (sub)(Be made to wear a collar)
1 - Competition (sub) (Subs compete)
4 - Crawling (sub)
4 - Eye Contact Restriction (sub)
5 - Following Orders
3 - Food Choice/Directed Eating (sub)
3 - Forced Dressing (sub)
2 - Forced Exercise (sub)
4 - Forced Homosexuality (sub)
4 - Forced Masturbation (sub)
4 - Forced Nudity (sub)
4 - Forced Servitude (sub)
3 - Given Away(Be given away by your dom)
5 - Hot Waxing (sub)
3 - Housework (sub) In a service sense
5 - Humiliation - Private (sub)
3 - Humiliation - Public (sub) In a controlled environment, the rating goes up
5 - Humiliation - Verbal (sub)
5 - Kneeling (sub)
2 - Lecturing (sub)
5 - Manicures (get)
3 - Manicures (give)
5 - Name Change (sub)
4 - Orgasm Control (sub)
4 - Orgasm Denial (sub)
3 - Personality Modification (sub)
3 - Pussy Worship (sub)
3 - Serving Orally (sub)
3 - Sexual Deprivation (sub)
1 - Sleep Deprivation (sub)
5 - Speech Restrictions (sub)
2 - Standing in Corner (sub)
4 - Struggling (sub)
5 - Symbolic Jewelry (sub)
1 - Weight Gain/Loss (sub)

H. Role Play

4 - Chauffeuring (sub)
5 - Fantasy Gang Rape (get)
5 - Fantasy Rape (get)
5 - Initiation Rites (sub)
4 - Interrogations (sub) Never done it, but am interested
4 - Kidnapping (sub)
1 - Medical Scenes (sub)
4 - Other Animal Play (sub)
1 - Physical Examinations (sub)
1 - Pony Play (sub)
3 - Prison Scenes
4 - Prostitution (pretend)
3 - Punishment Scene (sub)
2 - Puppy Play (sub)
3 - Religious Scenes (sub)
2 - Serving as Art (sub)
3 - Serving as Furniture (sub)
3 - Serving as Maid (sub)
3 - Strap on Dildos (sub)

Talk about laying it all out on the line, huh?


girl

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

I'm a domme and I'd classify my current relationship as very low intensity 24/7.

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers.

All the thing you mentioned are important parts in my relationship. It's just great to snuggle up to each other after an intense scene.
And we both sneak up to each other to steal a kiss or a carress.

when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of the role of submissive?

My sub simply speaks up in every day situations. When we are playing, I have him begging, though. <g>
I personally want a sub, who knows his worth, who's able to say no and who has his own opinion.

again, this will differ for everyone and i'm just interested in the range of answers... how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

As I said above, I'm in a low intense 24/7 relationship, so there is D/s outside the bedroom. Things like: he asks my opinion about what to wear for the day. (His taste in clothing has already improved. <g>)
But I'm no less Mistress, when I do the dishes or cook.

Right now as I write this reply, my sub came up to my desk and asked what I was writing. He doesn't speak english well enough to understand everything. I translated, he agrees and wants to add: Being in a 24/7 and/or BDSM relationship doesn't mean that you have to loose your personality. BDSM or not it's a relationship first and all those "rules" apply here as well.

We both are very sad, that your relationship has been abusive, that's not how it's supposed to be. For us it's love, tenderness and intense feelings for each other. And if I use a flogger on my darling sub, I know and he knows that I love him. And if I humiliate him (he's so cute when he blushes and squirms), it's not to destroy his personality. His own need to submit mirrors my own need to domitate.
We fight and make up again just like any other couple. And when I'm angry at him, I stay away from the "percussion" tools.

Hugggs
Monika and Hans

 

[JazzManJim]

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers.

when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of the role of submissive?

again, this will differ for everyone and i'm just interested in the range of answers... how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

okay that's it for now. time for lexie to regroup. i await the answers with baited breath

Great questions, leXieliscious Here's how it is for me.

First, I'm a very affectionate kind of guy. I like cuddling and tenderness. I don't think it's much of a relationship without it. It can't be all whips and chains for me.

Second, I prefer that if my sub wants something, then she tells me what she wants. It's not improper, IMO, for her to communicate her desires to me, as long as she's not demanding. If I can provide them, I will., If I can't I'll tell her why I can't and see what we can do to reach something close to what she wants. This is a biggie for me. I'm not a good mind-reader, so the only way I truly have to know what a sub wants is for her to tell me. I'll only bristle if she's pushy or demanding. That's a no-no.

And lastly, I'm fairly the same in and out of the bedroom. I still require the same respect and deference. I'm not going to lead you around by a collar in the grocery store, but neither do I expect to be backtalked there either. I do like public teasing, even up to some of the more overt stuff like fondling her in line, or showing her off at times. But I don't expect her to call me "Sir" or "Master" - then again, I don't necessarily require that in the bedroom either. Respect is something I can hear and regardless of what she calls me, I'll know whether she's in the right place or not.

How's that? Just ask if you want more.

 

[cymbidia]

how much affection/tenderness/cuddling/etc exists in your relationships? i know that this is different for every person, i'm just interested in the range of answers.

In my life, i’ve always required ongoing displays of tenderness, affection, and cuddling – the markers of respect and real caring - in my relationships. I’m not one to give my submission easily or lightly. When i do, it’s for real, it’s as part of the whole package that is me giving myself/thoughts/dreams/plans/hopes/skills/life to someone else.

I may have to modify my desires, though. I may not be able to get what i’ve had, what i want, anymore. Or not for a while.

But then again...
Sex without a BDSM aspect is… not something i want.
BDSM without a relationship aspect is not something i want.

I want my relationship (assuming i will ever have one again) to include BDSM practices as an elemental component. The “relationship” will have to include lots of tenderness as an elemental component, too.

I don’t see them as mutually exclusive at all.
Good BDSM has always, for me, included an openly affectionate component.

when a sub wants (not needs) something, how does s/he communicate that want without breaking out of the role of submissive?

As others have said, with respect and honesty.

Ask for a time of discussion.

Phrase your needs in terms of “I” statements.

You owe your Dom/me your honesty: bottom line. S/he cannot work toward meeting your needs if those needs are murky or unclear – to either of you.

Also, for me this may be easier since I don’t inhabit a “role” of the submissive. I ***am*** sub. It’s part of my awareness of myself as a person, part of my relationship with my partner, my Dominant, from the very beginning. Except for a couple relationships in my life – and only one of any meaning – i’ve always been in BDSM relationships, always been sub, and so never had a problem with my “role”.

again, this will differ for everyone and i'm just interested in the range of answers... how much does BDSM exist outside the bedroom for you?

I am sub. Most of the relationships in my life have been those in which bedroom roles and non-bedroom roles are interchangeable.

That doesn’t make me subservient or stupid or lacking in a sense of humor or afraid to beat my Dominant at Scrabble. It simply makes both of us aware, at all times that i am sub and he is Dom.

It’s like getting extra toppings on your pizza. It’s still a pizza – but it’s a little better, somehow, a little spicier, a bit more flavorful. You can see all the people around you who are enjoying the hell out of their cheese pizza – and you’re glad for them, you really are. But yours, well, it’s more complex, chewier, and full of hidden bursts of complexities – just the way you like it.




But then again, i am still trying not to drown in the wake of the shipwreck of my two years with MS. Perhaps i shouldn’t hand my thoughts out like i know something; like me, they’re… easily discardable, as is painfully clear.

Anyway, lexie, and in my case only, you know what they say about the worth of advice, and what you pay for it.

 

[Desdemona]

But then again, i am still trying not to drown in the wake of the shipwreck of my two years with MS. Perhaps i shouldn’t hand my thoughts out like i know something; like me, they’re… easily discardable, as is painfully clear.

Cym.... please know this. While I'm sure you do feel "easily discardable" right now; I can't imagine that anyone who truly matters would ever see you that way.

 

[seXieleXie]

thank you all for your answers. it's very heart warming to find that veritable strangers will share so much with someone in need.

i've spent a lot of time in the past couple of days talking and thinking and writing. after spending so much time not thinking about what happened in this relationship i think the last few days have been analogious to lancing a boil. hurts like hell but has to be done.

and on with the questioning:

how do you feel about 'nilla sex? does it interest you at all since you got into the lifestyle?

for subs: how have your hard limits changed as you've matured?


that's all for now. my tired little brain is about to go on strike so i'm off to take a nap.

in gratitude,


edited because i'm an ass

 

[girl]

i know very well how cym feels about 'nilla sex, but what about the rest of you? does it interest you at all since you got into the lifestyle?

In general, vanilla sex doesn't really interest me. Occasionally (perhaps 3-5%) it's okay, but I much prefer some BDSM element to my sex. It just gets me off so much better.

for subs: how have your hard limits changed as you've matured?

Now there's a question. I'm not a guru in the lifestyle, by any stretch of the imagination, but I've found that my hard limits have expanded tremendously in the time I've been exploring myself and this lifestyle. It stands to reason that as one tries new things, one will find situations, toys, scenarios, that would not have ben expected to be turn-ons, but are. Six years ago (and even three years ago), the idea of face slapping would send me into a tizzy...but I've really found that, in the right situation, it's a huge turnon. I've also found that many of the things that were really hard limits for me in the beginning have turned into some of my favorite things.

Just like anything, as you grow, you learn and as you learn, your priorities change. Don't let that scare you...it's most of the fun.


girl