BDSM: Questions and Answers

[MissTaken]

It is a very confusing and difficult time. I am not terribly experienced, but can speak to my experience.

I found that I needed to identify what it was I needed.

Was the BDSM lifestyle, what I sought?

Was it certain aspects of BDSM? (There are so many facets involved in those four little letters.)

Was it a need for kink without the emotional/psychological piece, the power exchange?

Alot of research was entailed, discussions and exchanging of ideas until those questions could be answered. Once answered, then I had to look at my current lifestyle and determine where and if there was room for what I needed. What role would BDSM play in my day to day responsibilities?

I cannot promise peace, but knowledge brings comfort. Possibly, there is room in your life for what you need, once you are aware of what that is.

*hugs to you* Whether you open the box or leave it tightly shut, your handle speaks loudly to me.

I just wish I had a firmer knowledge base from which to assist you.

Miss T

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

It is a pandoras box for sure. But opening it can bring you both, the pain of loosing what you have and the pleasure of being what you want to be. Keeping it shut can leave you with a feeling of missed oportunities. Is your love for your current partner stronger than your desire to submit?

Miss T said it already, there are so many BDSM facets. Can you already voice what you need?

This may sound strange, but can an online Master fill your desire?An ex-sub of mine had similar problems, his partner had absolutely no desire to explore this strange world. He had an online Mistress, who helped him to find out what he needed. Shortly afterwards I met him and he made the step into the real world and left the 'nilla relationship that had already gone sour.
Still... this might feel like cheating to you, but it might be a way.

You are on a very bumpy flight at the moment and there are no seat belts. We can offer sympathy and an open ear (via pm if you like), but the decision is yours.

Hugggs
Monika

 

[cellis]

Re: Pandora's Box

This thread scares the hell out of me.

All my sexual life I have been turned on by facets of what I now know to be the BDSM lifestyle. I am drawn to this thread, and other BDSM things, like a moth to a flame. I wish I never found this place.

If I give in to my submissiveness, and explore that part of my sexuality I will lose everything I currently have. My partner is very traditional; he even regards erotic novels as "dirty books".

Nevertheless, I love him. But he would never be willing to explore BDSM. He wouldn't even know where to begin. And I fear that I would need an experienced Master.

Dare I open Pandora's Box?

Please forgive me for not posting under my registered name.

Oh how well I know the fear of opening the forbidden box... to take that first step... to move beyond fantasy to reality... to know there is something I need in my life so desparately... oh yes... I know.... the fear of making those dreams come true... to meet someone who fulfills your needs, desires...

And once the box is open... there is no going back...

Just a little suggestion... go to alt.com... look around... chat a little... cyber a little... and read a lot... there are many, subs and Dom/mes alike who remain in relationships with their spouses, while seeking to meet their needs elsewhere... not ideal by any means... but you are not alone in being in a relationship with someone who has no desire to explore alternatives in sexuality...

Good luck... and don't hesitate to ask any of us for help....

 

[Hecate]

Pandora's Box

Dear TS,

I am afraid you have opened the box already by realizing that you are having those interests. Do you think you can "forget" about them again, do you think you can avoid having those fantasies now that you "know"?

But things may not be as "Pandorraish" as you think.... First of all, as has been said before, it is most important is to know what exactly attracts you.

Is it the thought of the "forbidden" standing in contrast to your everyday real life?

Is it sensation / pain?

Is it some sort of humiliation you crave?

Or the aspect of power exchange, to surrender all responsibilities to your partner?

Once you have established that as good as you can you can start to think about ways to slowly incorporate bits of those things into your life. There is no need to tell your partner to tie you up and whip you as starters.

There are so many things that if done in the "right" mindset can be part of expressing your submissive nature - like spoiling your partner with a long and sensual massage, in many D/s relations that is part of the "game" already. Even a conservative partner shouldn't be opposing to that.

On another line of thought: if your partner is so very conservative, maybe he is "conservative" in the more biblical sense as to "the woman should be serving her man" and he is simply too "scared" to tell you? Or at least you could try and steer him into your way of thinking by using that analogy?

D/s relations start way before you get down to the pure sheer sex and the "goodies" like pain and such (at least for me) - so maybe there is some way to get things steering into the direction you want them to develop. Rarely have I met a man who didn't want to be spoiled, adored, served and eventuall getting a taste of it and wanting "more" - then it may be the right moment to "ask" for more. And I have yet to find a man who wasn't willing to step a little out of his path and fulfill his Lady's sexual wishes (at least in part) for the benefit of her willingly returning for more.

Don't think you need to head into a full scale BDSM relation right away, 24/7 SM stuff and such - even if you split up with your partner now I wouldn't advise you to do so before you have explored your needs and desires a little deeper. So you may as well strat your exploration in the save haven of your present life circumstances and find out what exactly you are missing.

As for the experienced Master - I think some of it answered itself in the previous paragraphs. Nobody can help you find out what it is you seek - want - need - crave - desire but you yourself, by carefully and HONESTLY listening to yourself (ok - talking to experienced lifestylers may help you discover aspects but they can never say what is wrong or right for you - so I would advise to just get to talk some of the folks you trust and not commit yourself to a Master immediately). If you love your partner and he is in love with you as well there might be a delicious journey ahead of you two, to develope your changing sexuality together. Taking it slow and easy, step by step is the key.

Even if you now shake your head and say "no, this is not going to work, he is never going to go on that journey with me", please realize that you may have a chance to get if not the best so at least something of the best of both worlds, if you just throw it all aside now without trying you will find yourself possibly without everything since good Masters AND lovers dedicated to the lifestyle are damn hard to find - and you do not want to give up spiritual love just for the physical kick.

Since I am probably the most oblivious person on this board I have not the faintest clue as to who you might be and if any of that makes sense for you - but one thing I know... there have been times when I didn't want to "be into BDSM", but it always caught up with me, it "is me" and even if I try to not want it there is no way I can stop me from wanting it. If you feel like talking to someone about it in more "detail" feel free to e-mail me (that way you can use another handle / name than the one you are using here) or pm me if you feel ok with it.

Best wishes and good luck on the further journey

take care
Hecate

 

[girl]

I'm not sure alt.com would actually be a good starting point for someone tentatively looking around the lifestyle. There are a lot of idiots and a lot of predators there and only a small handful of real and knowledgeable folks.

I do agree that you need to figure out what it is you're interested in. There are a lot of places you can read up on things. http://www.castlerealm.com is a pretty decent jumping point. Also a book called 'Different Loving' by Gloria Brame is excellent; it makes for a good introduction. She's got a website too: http://www.gloria-brame.com . There is a slew of good books out there...'Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns,' 'The Loving Dominant,' 'The Bottoming Book' and the Topping Book.' Also, Vi Johnson's 'To Love, To Obey, To Serve' is good reading once you've gotten your feet wet with the more introductory books.

I can't give you advice on how to deal with your partner or your situation, but I will agree with those who have already said that you've already opened the box. But what you do with the contents is what counts.

Good luck,
girl

 

[Ayaka]

Thanks to everyone who has posted here, I have read every post on this, it is so interesting and provoking.

I'm at a point where I'm getting my own fantasies clear. Some stories have really helped me, pinpointing my feelings.

Thanks.

 

[WriterDom]

http://www.saroftreve.com/kinkauction.htm
http://www.fetishauctioneer.com/auction/auction.cgi

This looks interesting. I guess a lot of the bdsm toy makers aren't happy with restrictive rules of the major players like ebay and have found a kink friendly auction site.

 

[BlondGirl]

Thanks, WD. I found my nifty new AV at that 2nd site.

 

[SpectreT]

To Tortured Soul

Allow me to add to the voices who say that this particular Pandora's Box is opened. Funny thing about Pandora's Box, though, is that from it came the one thing that makes all else bearable, the single greatest power for human motivation:

Hope.

Lurking on this thread and asking yourself questions is a good start; checking a few sites (a few have already been posted; if I think of any others, I'll post 'em.) and asking yourself more questions is a good way to continue. I don't know of any other group of people to whom the old maxim, "Know Thyself" is more important. Without more information, how can you form a plan for your life, and on the Hope note, who knows? Maybe your SO would be interested in being a part of your desires. There's no way for us to guess.

Keep Hope. It's the true gift of any such situation.

 

[Hecate]

Links

If someone is searching for links - most of the ones that have been mentioned along this thread (and a feww others) I have put together on my site.

Collected Links

I hope that saves some searching

 

[KillerMuffin]

I stayed away from here for a bit because I wanted to make sure cymbidia still had a safe place, and that included from me.

Well.

Yes, there is an "us" and "them" in the BDSM world. I am a "them" and I have no problem with that. The fact is that I am not one of you, I'm just trying to understand you.

I don't hate anyone in the BDSM realm. I don't think any one of you are crazy because of your BDSMness. I think you're perfectly sane, intelligent people.

 

[Merelan]

Excuse me, may I speak?

I am not eloquent, and I do not like to make speeches. I simply wish to thank you. Thank all of you here for making me understand myself better.
That I am not a freak, not the oddball who wonders and wants to explore. That there are things and experiences I simply must have, and maybe repeat, and maybe not.
That to want to "hand over" the reins to someone else, someone trustworthy and gentle, is not wrong. It is simply another way of learning about myself. Having someone else guide me, somone who sees clearer what I need and where I need to be pushed.
Thank you for giving each other the support needed when things don't go quite the way we thought they would. For holding out your arms, and hearts to those of us questing. To those of us having a bad day, or relationship.
For welcoming the "others" to question as well. Though frustrated and hurt by their words, for understanding they simply cannot understand, and do not need to. For not locking the door to them and shunning them.

But most of all, For welcoming any and all questions and answering them with your honesty and experience.

 

[cellis]

Excuse me, may I speak?

I am not eloquent, and I do not like to make speeches.

Merelan...

You continually sell yourself short... you are an eloquent speaker... Your soft words are from the heart... and you never fail to touch me...

 

[Guest]

 

[RisiaSkye]

For a number of reasons, cym needed a break from Lit. I spoke to her yesterday, and she sounds like she's turned a corner.
I expect we'll see her back before too long. She's bent, but not broken.

 

[Desdemona]

Merelan, you've expressed my feelings about this thread very well. It is so amazing to be able to come here and ask and learn. Most of the time, my questions have already been asked, so I just read. I'm also pleased to hear that Cym is doing better.

 

[Guest]

 

[cellis]

I am so happy.... I just have to share with all of you... I have my first story posted!!!

So I want to thank all of you here... Your support means so much to me...


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=34382

 

[Desdemona]

Congrats Cellis!! I'll read it when I get home from work. Des

 

[Frouwa_Aph]

I am so happy.... I just have to share with all of you... I have my first story posted!!!

So I want to thank all of you here... Your support means so much to me...

Congrats!
I like it, great work!

Monika

 

[Hecate]

Congrats cellis!

but watch out *smiling* that feeling of accomplishment is quite addictive ... you will want it again - and again - and again .. and we sure won't stop you.

Nice work - well done, cellis!

 

[WriterDom]

Does anyone have vampire gloves, or has used or been used by them in play?

 

[girl]

Does anyone have vampire gloves, or has used or been used by them in play?

I do. They're awesome for folks who like sensation play

girl

 

[cellis]

Re: Congrats cellis!

but watch out *smiling* that feeling of accomplishment is quite addictive ... you will want it again - and again - and again .. and we sure won't stop you.

Nice work - well done, cellis!

First all thanks to everyone....

LOL... Hecate.... I have part 2 almost finished and beginning part 3.....

You are right it is addictive....

 

[cymbidia]

I stayed away from here for a bit because I wanted to make sure cymbidia still had a safe place, and that included from me.

Silly chica. You're the best. If i need a safe place to go, it's not going to be somewhere away from you. You guard my heart and my secrets as well as anyone and better than most. You are my friend.

She's bent, but not broken.

"Bent but not broken." How profoundly true those words are, la amiga del corazón, and on several levels.

I am so happy.... I just have to share with all of you... I have my first story posted!!!

It's a wonderfully slow, soft, easy portrayal of the intimacy and full trust one can find within a good BDSM relationship, cellis. It's lovely and lyrical. Congrats.


Thank you to all who expressed concerns about me, either here or more directly. It feels good to be the recipient of such from such lovely people.

I needed a Lit break, as Risia said. That New Year's go-round over the word "nilla" just did me in and with all the rest of my woes i simply needed some time off, away from the turmoil. To that end, i did nothing for a few days and then began haunting bondage.com in an effort to find some people like me, like us, to spend time with. I need that, i think, though matters with MS are still so fresh, i need to begin casting my eyes outward. I'm sick of being depressed.

To that end, i'm definitely going to my local munch on the 20th - and with a Dom i'm getting to know, too!

So far, i've already spent some real time talking to two from bondage. com. (Ah! the blessings of being in the San Francisco Bay area... there are *lots* of us around here!) One was a nice, sweet man but after talking with him for a face-to-face while, it was clear to me that we were in two very different places with respect to our needs and desires. The other, well. The other... there are some possiblities there!

As is my wont, i'll keep you informed of my progress through the world of online BDSM personals ads. I'm not sure those who i meet from there will like it though...

Hmmm...

Maybe i'd better introduce some from there over here. (Cuz there's four of us from here over there!).

I'm feeling like i can smile and laugh again and have it be real.
Risia's right: i'm bent... not broken.