Affair Questions

[This_Love_Lies]

I've been sleeping with a married man that I work with since last July. We have never discussed the situation and it is nothing more than sex. No correspondence or secret meetings outside of work.
I do believe, however, that I can't continue on anymore without a reason to. Sure, the sex is great...but its not enough. How do you have the 'break-up' conversation when we have never actually discussed the affair itself?

 

[JRaven]

?
Tell him that you no longer need him for sex?

 

[SweetErika]

I'm not sure I understand what your reason(s) is/are, but I'd be honest..."(Name), while I've really enjoyed the time we've spent together, my needs have changed recently/(insert your reason), so I'm afraid we'll have to keep our relationship strictly professional and platonic from this point on."

Hopefully he'll be adult about it, and you've learned a lesson about getting involved with a married man and coworker.

 

[Eating_Scarlett]

I've been sleeping with a married man that I work with since last July. We have never discussed the situation and it is nothing more than sex. No correspondence or secret meetings outside of work.
I do believe, however, that I can't continue on anymore without a reason to. Sure, the sex is great...but its not enough. How do you have the 'break-up' conversation when we have never actually discussed the affair itself?

I was having a casual bonk thing with a guy I lived with when I first came to London.

He really fancied me but I didn't like him, just needed to get over the ex.

When I met my current bf, I stopped sleeping with the bonk fellow.

Didn't tell him I'd met someone else, didn't give him any reasons why I stopped, I just did.

He figured it out soon enough.

 

[phoenix1224]

Just be honest.

Tell him that, while the relationship that the two of you shared was nice, it no longer fulfills your needs and that you no longer feel that it is appropriate to be sleeping with a coworker... Especially one that is married... And that you feel that you must now find someone who can fulfill your needs BEYOND just your sexual needs.

If he has a problem with that, just threaten to tell his wife... Just kidding... Sort of...

 

[londonaberdeen]

If it were me I'd probably go with telling him the fact that you've enjoyed what you have but you need more out of a relationship.

Let him cough and splutter over that for a few seconds, then tell him it's best not to carry on seeing each other. He'll be mighty relieved that you're making that easy for him I guess.

 

[houseman]

Re: Re: Affair Questions

I was having a casual bonk thing with a guy I lived with when I first came to London.

He really fancied me but I didn't like him, just needed to get over the ex.

When I met my current bf, I stopped sleeping with the bonk fellow.

Didn't tell him I'd met someone else, didn't give him any reasons why I stopped, I just did.

He figured it out soon enough.

This says a lot about your character.

 

[ReadyOne]

If it were me I'd probably go with telling him the fact that you've enjoyed what you have but you need more out of a relationship.

Let him cough and splutter over that for a few seconds, then tell him it's best not to carry on seeing each other. He'll be mighty relieved that you're making that easy for him I guess.

Right idea. But do you know what you want and need? Or is there general dissatisfaction? When you know yourself, then you can honestly tell him why, and hopefully he can agree with your logic.

It's much easier for him if you can help him decided himself that he has to voluntarily stop seeing you. Even if it's with regret on his part, a knowledgeable regret is much easier to deal with.

 

[Retiredstar]

Been There

The functional issue is that it is someone you work with; and that adds a whole different demension to the problem than it would be if it were casual on the side. You don't say whether or not this man is your supervisor or equal in position nor do you mention the size of the business and whether or not you two have violated an established policy. My relationship was with an equal in position and it was just for sex. She broke it off for someone else and told me up front. It was hard to take as I enjoyed her great body and the sex was outstanding. Moreover, to be honest, male ego entered into it ... what does he have I don't. That said, it took some time for me to stop looking at her with desire and suggesting we try again. A big mistake on my part. If the person is a superior, hate to tell you but change jobs. If equal, be up front and firm. And keep your fingers crossed.

 

[Monazwx]

No secret meetings outside of work?
How did this affair happen?

Anyway, you need to tell him (preferably on a Friday, near 5:00pm, yes, you're firing him from the relationship), that it's over and give him the weekend to mull it over and cool down.

Brace yourself for repercussions though. A man who sleeps around with co-workers, while cheating on his wife, doesn't sound like someone to piss off.

 

[This_Love_Lies]

No secret meetings outside of work?
How did this affair happen?

We are simply colleagues. He and I work in a lab with one another, so I spend 8 hours a day/ 5 days a week with him. We also go out with other people for drinks after work. We've always had chemistry, but when he got married it kinda cooled down. Over the summer, it heated back up again and now, here I am.

Thanks for the Friday afternoon bit. That may just be a great idea.

 

[ReadyOne]

I assume that he's important to you, i.e. you have good feelings for him and want good things to happen to him, even if that doesn't include rolling around in the hay anymore.

The key in you post is that he got married, tired to cool it, and now you'r back at it.

That suggests that he might be having "problems" with his spouse, and perhaps you are feeling that you are doing them a disservice (or guilty).

Maybe what you want to do is help him figure out why you're still so attractive to each other and what effect that is having/will have on his marriage. When he has insight, then your relationship may reform.

Of course, marriage dynamics can vary all over the place and you might end up with one where everyone gets what they want and need without your giving up the great sex. However, statistically speaking, most dymanics aren't anywhere near stable in such a configuration.

But, I've seen several where it worked out -- the common element seems to be that all knew what was going on and agreed to (and stuck to) certain limits.

 

[houseman]

Brace yourself for repercussions though. A man who sleeps around with co-workers, while cheating on his wife, doesn't sound like someone to piss off.

Love how people always make snide remarks and negative statements towards the married person.

It takes two to tango sweetheart.

 

[invisigirl]

Love how people always make snide remarks and negative statements towards the married person.

It takes two to tango sweetheart.

I'd agree that getting involved with a married person is just about always going to have repercussions but itt is ultimately the responsibility of the person who made the commitment to keep the commitment.

That said, I didn't get t he same impression that Mona did. If the affair is nothing more than sex I'd think he wouldn't have a hard time getting over it. Since they haven't talked about things talking a little and dropping the sex part of the friendship might open the door to better communication. He might need someone to talk to about his homelife more than just a release of sexual tension.

Hopefully it will be one of those memories that cracks a smile but you move on from. Good luck, This_Love_Lies!

 

[phoenix1224]

Love how people always make snide remarks and negative statements towards the married person.

It takes two to tango sweetheart.

While that is true, it is the married party that is supposedly in a 'committed' relationship.

It is the married party that stood up in front of all of his/her family, friends, and (if it was in a church) their GOD and vowed to 'love, honor, and cherish (their spouse) FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, for as long as (they) both shall live'.

And while I'm not condoning the actions of the 'lover on the side', it is the married person who has the responsibility to be true to those vows.

(A man who is not good to his word is good for NOTHING.)

 

[houseman]

While that is true, it is the married party that is supposedly in a 'committed' relationship.

It is the married party that stood up in front of all of his/her family, friends, and (if it was in a church) their GOD and vowed to 'love, honor, and cherish (their spouse) FORSAKING ALL OTHERS, for as long as (they) both shall live'.

And while I'm not condoning the actions of the 'lover on the side', it is the married person who has the responsibility to be true to those vows.

(A man who is not good to his word is good for NOTHING.)

I don't disagree but it stillt akes two to tango. Can't hold one individual in one light and another in a different light.

He knows it's wrong. So does she. It takes two to tango. If you make comments towards one then you have to make them towards the other. Both know it's wrong, they're both at fault.

Why am I the only one to see's this?

 

[wicked woman]

Originally posted by houseman
I don't disagree but it stillt akes two to tango. Can't hold one individual in one light and another in a different light.

He knows it's wrong. So does she. It takes two to tango. If you make comments towards one then you have to make them towards the other. Both know it's wrong, they're both at fault.

Why am I the only one to see's this?

It's a matter of degree...as a single person if I have sex with a married man, I am not breaking any vows or commitments that I made to a person. I am helping another break his vows but there IS a difference. I may be at fault for not honouring their vows but I would not equate that with the person who actually broke them.

 

[houseman]

It's a matter of degree...as a single person if I have sex with a married man, I am not breaking any vows or commitments that I made to a person. I am helping another break his vows but there IS a difference. I may be at fault for not honouring their vows but I would not equate that with the person who actually broke them.

Symantec’s my dear

Wrong is wrong. There are no degree's of wrongness. The "justice system" may have degree's of punishment for various crimes but we who live in the real world view a person who committed rape or murder with the same eyes and negativity.

Wrong is wrong.

And, it still takes two to tango

 

[SweetErika]

I don't disagree but it stillt akes two to tango. Can't hold one individual in one light and another in a different light.

He knows it's wrong. So does she. It takes two to tango. If you make comments towards one then you have to make them towards the other. Both know it's wrong, they're both at fault.

Why am I the only one to see's this?

You're not. The cheater may be a little more of an ass than the person he's cheating with, but they're both dead wrong. I've never understood why some people feel it's okay to be the other woman or man. While the cheater may find someone else if you're not willing to participate, why would you want any part in hurting another person? I think it shows a serious lack of integrity and empathy (how would you feel if you were being cheated on?), and that's sad.

 

[phoenix1224]

You're not. The cheater may be a little more of an ass than the person he's cheating with, but they're both dead wrong. I've never understood why some people feel it's okay to be the other woman or man. While the cheater may find someone else if you're not willing to participate, why would you want any part in hurting another person? I think it shows a serious lack of integrity and empathy (how would you feel if you were being cheated on?), and that's sad.

I totally agree...

 

[Bobmi357]

Symantec’s my dear

Wrong is wrong. There are no degree's of wrongness. The "justice system" may have degree's of punishment for various crimes but we who live in the real world view a person who committed rape or murder with the same eyes and negativity.

Wrong is wrong.

And, it still takes two to tango

Symantics? What does anti-viral software have to do with cheating? Perhaps you mean semantics?

Regardless of who is at fault, that wasn't the thrust of the original post, who seemed to be looking for a way out of a situation she saw to be wrong. Calling her character into question really isn't the issue here. Nor is it our place to judge. She didn't ask for an opinion on what people thought of her affair. She asked for opinions on how to break it off. I don't think its our place to judge or drop comments concerning what individuals think about cheating when what they think really isn't relevant to the question on the table.

 

[houseman]

Symantics? What does anti-viral software have to do with cheating? Perhaps you mean semantics?

Regardless of who is at fault, that wasn't the thrust of the original post, who seemed to be looking for a way out of a situation she saw to be wrong. Calling her character into question really isn't the issue here. Nor is it our place to judge. She didn't ask for an opinion on what people thought of her affair. She asked for opinions on how to break it off. I don't think its our place to judge or drop comments concerning what individuals think about cheating when what they think really isn't relevant to the question on the table.

Brace yourself for repercussions though. A man who sleeps around with co-workers, while cheating on his wife, doesn't sound like someone to piss off.

Love how people always make snide remarks and negative statements towards the married person.

It takes two to tango sweetheart.

Try reading next time and you'll see *I* wasn't making any judgements on her or anyone.

Appreciate your wisdom though

 

[SweetErika]

Regardless of who is at fault, that wasn't the thrust of the original post, who seemed to be looking for a way out of a situation she saw to be wrong. Calling her character into question really isn't the issue here. Nor is it our place to judge. She didn't ask for an opinion on what people thought of her affair. She asked for opinions on how to break it off. I don't think its our place to judge or drop comments concerning what individuals think about cheating when what they think really isn't relevant to the question on the table.

You're absolutely right, Bob. I find the differing views on this topic fascinating, though we probably should have started a new discussion.

 

[Monazwx]

Love how people always make snide remarks and negative statements towards the married person.

It takes two to tango sweetheart.

I never said that she wasn't to blame. In fact, I wasn't blaming anyone. All I told her was to watch her back, personally and professionally. She didn't mention whether or not he was just a co-worker or her boss, just "the married man she worked with" and if he was in fact her boss, and he did still have feelings for her, things could have gotten messy.

If it seemed as if I was making judgements, that was NOT the intent.

 

[Honeysucklevine]

I never said that she wasn't to blame. In fact, I wasn't blaming anyone. All I told her was to watch her back, personally and professionally. She didn't mention whether or not he was just a co-worker or her boss, just "the married man she worked with" and if he was in fact her boss, and he did still have feelings for her, things could have gotten messy.

If it seemed as if I was making judgements, that was NOT the intent.

I'm going to jump in a say "yes!" to that. Let's just forget the married part. It throws a kink in things but not relevant to the real question. How does one break it off with someone you work side by side with. Even, if she isn't his subordinate and they are equal co-workers, it can get brutally ugly. He can make her life miserable even without saying anything. I use to work in a lab and I had a thing going with a man there. We were young and foolish but once I had moved on, he would do little things to sabotage what I had been working on. He also would say little negative things to other co workers about me when any talk about promotions would occur. But, we were young and immature. Is this man old enough to handle the "no more sex with you break up" ?

Does this man have a good sense of humor? You know him better than we do. He may just roll with the flow.

Good luck!