Advice please....

[Gilly Bean]

I have a sister who's 9 years younger. She will be 15 this summer. She's a good kid. She's great with kids. She has a temprement that's not always good, but for the most part, she's good.

She's been hanging out with some bad kids lately. Her current boyfriend is 2 years older, and was recently expelled from school. He is never allowed back at that school. She has been skipping school to go see him. She stopped doing homework, and is getting F's in 3 classes. She gets mad alot, and will start yelling and screaming at my mother (who, admittedly, has never raised any of her other 3 kids, this is her first shot, and she has no clue as to what she should do) and yesterday, she started calling my mom things like: Stupid bitch, whorthless whore, slut, etc. Well, my mom finally snapped, and smacked her across the face.

As soon as she did, she regretted it, but Brooke didn't care. She called the cops on her. Well, the cops came, and sat down with both of them, and came to the conclusion that my mom hadn't meant it, that it had been an argument that had gone wrong. Almost as soon as the cops walked into the house, my sister was in thier face screaming about locking 'that stupid bitch' up in jail, and to get that 'worthless whore' outta of the house. Needless to say, they were not impressed with my sister.

Part of her problem is in how inconsistant my mother is. For example, for Christmas she let Brooke pick out her own clothes, and she came away with the kind of stuff Britney Spears would wear. While she has a body for it, she is also only 14 right now. I said flat out I didn't think she needed to be wearing clothes like that. My mom didn't agree. But then, two weeks ago, my sister needed a new bathing suit for PE class, and my mom gave her money to grab one. She bought a $65 bathing suit that my mom said wouldn't cover much on my 6 year old, let alone on a 14 year old. She is completly inconsistant in what she tells and shows Brooke. One day, it's ok ot go shopping for new clothes, and the next, my mom will start bitching to her about how she has to many clothes as it is.


Anyway, to get to my point, my sisters father flat out said he won't take her in, because he doesn't want her dumped on him. He said it exactly like that, in front of her. I mean, a 5 year old would pick up on what that means, so it couldn't have made her feel good, knowing her father doesn't want her. So, both my mom and sister hinted to my 64 year old grandma that they wanted her to go live there. My grandma is great, she's always been there for me when my own parents weren't. She practically raised me and my older brother when we were little, and took both of us in when we needed it. But that was 6 years ago for me, and about 10 years ago for my brother. We were both far more self-reliant. And a lot less rebellious. Anyway...

Me and hubby talked it over alot, and we came to the same conclsion. We would like her to come live with us. It would get her and my mom away from each other, because they share the same temprement, so they clash badly. It would get her away from the school and friends she has down there, which I think would be a big help. It would also give her someone right there with her when she's not in school. I am home almost all the time with the kids, so I would be able to give her some more supervision.


i offered to my mother, but we both said we didn't think Brooke would like it. We were also kind of looking at it as though it were her choice. After talking more with NS, NSW, Xander, and Lekov, we came to the conclusion that with the track she is headed on, it shouldn't be Brooke's choice. It should be up to my mother. If she wants her to come up here, we are willing to take her on. We know it won't be easy, there are alot of downsides. She will still have the temper, coupled with her not being near her friends. She has a few friends up here actually, from the times she has come to visit. She wouldn't be completly alone. She likes being around the kids, and would be a big help with them. We would have to set down rules, and she wouldn't like that, but it would be a nessecity. Things like limiting phone and computer time if she hasn't done her homework. Another problem she has is that she won't even bring her books or work home, so my mom can't enforce her doing it. Things I think I would do, is if she doesn't bring it home, no phone, tv, or computer for the night.


I am not even sure what I am asking here. Reassurance that it's the right thing to do for her? Advice on how to handle it? I am not sure. I mean, I have my own family, but she's also my family. She's hurting from her father, she has the idea my mom doesn't love her... she needs help to get back on the right track. I think it's something we can help with. I want to help. But I'm also scared to help. Sooo.... any and all advice you have on the situation, please?

 

[Cheyenne]

No advice, just a comment. You're a wonderful sister to want to take on raising an angry teenager. There should be a special place in heaven for people like you.

 

[RudeNastyAssBitch]

I Was Sent Away

When I Was 15, For Being A Bad BAD Girl.

I Hated It Then, But It Was A Pivitol Point In My Returning To The Land Of Proper!

If You And Your Family Think You Can Handle Having A Wildl Mouthed, Disrespectful Darlin' In Yer House, I For One Think It's A GREAT Idea.

Good Luck, Gilly Bean

 

[lilminx]

If both you and your mother feel that this is the best thing for your sister, then go for it. It seems that you have a good grasp on how to be consistent with her, and I agree with you: consistency is definitely what she needs. It seems like your mother doesn't know how to deal with her, and that you might be able to do a better job.

It's wonderful for you to do something so selfless. If you decide to have your sister live with you, I wish you the best of luck.

 

[Basia]

Gilly;

I may be just a "kid" myself, but here is my two cents worth...

Your sister is still legally a minor, and therefore if she does not listen to your mother or who ever is her legal gardian, a chinze (unmanagable child) can be put on her. She would have to be in at a certian hour, go to school reguardless if she is sick or not, she would have weekly appointents (at home) with a tracker, who would also drive her to any appointments. If all that fails, a truency officer would be appointed to drive her to school, escort her from class to class, then drive her home. They may even put her on house arrest, and place a restraing order against the boyfriend (being that she is a minor, they could do that easly).

Okay... that all I have to say ^_^

 

[estevie]

I think it would be a good thing, Gilly. Maybe she would be more apt to take direction and guidance from you, her sister. I know that my mom and sis can tell me the same thing, but it sounds soo much better coming from my sister.

You definately have to set rules and stick with them right from the start. Let her know how its going to be and what the consequences are when the rules are not followed. It won't always be easy, but who said life was?

Good luck...keep us posted!

 

[SweetBrat73]

Sounds to me like you've thought it through and know what you want to do and how to do it. I think that if you all think you can handle it then do it. Hope everything goes well for you and your family. Just make sure she knows the rules and you stick to them and that she knows what happens if she breaks them.



Brat

 

[Caria Knight]

If you and your hubby are willing to take on the hard work.... go for it. You'd be providing a great environment for your sister. She may not appreciate it now, but in time she will.

Good luck!

 

[Mischka]

I am not even sure what I am asking here. Reassurance that it's the right thing to do for her?

Just think of your sister's likely fate if you do not intervene. I cannot imagine how difficult a task it will be, but you and your husband are wonderful people to open your home to her. She will be immeasurably better for it.

 

[Richard49]

Your sisters hormones

I did 2 years in a private boys school starting when I was about 13 1/2. In some ways it was wonderful.....other ways I felt on loved.......maybe that is why I still do at times

Anyway...as I have studied herbs I have discovered that may teen issues are diet and hormonal related.....

If you are interested in more information email me.

Richard
Michigan

 

[elena]

It's obvious that her present situation isn't doing her any favours, and she seems to be finding herself in a dangerous downwards spiral.

Your immensely generous offer will give her the chance of getting out of this. A change of scene is really what she needs, a fresh start and to cut off the old ties. Without a drastic shake up, nothing will really change.

So I basically agree very much with what Cheyenne said.

I admire you very gratefully for the sacrifice you're making, I don't know whether I would be good/strong enough to make it myself.
It may be hard at first, but the rewards will be large too.

The best of luck
xx

 

[CoolCucumber]

Good luck Gilly...there should be more people out there willing to look out for others, even if the others don't agree or think they need it. Heck, if it hadn't been for a few times where my family stepped in and laid down the law, well, they did, and I don't wanna think of if they didn't. Hope it works out.
-CoolCucumber

 

[llee69]

I cant offer any advice that has not been said already.

I do think, while it wont be easy, you will be doing the best thing for your sister by bringing her into your house. That I think will show her that someone does care for her.

I didnt see it at the time, but when I was foced into stricter environment and forced to do things I didnt want to, it taught me a lot. there is a lot to be said about "Tough Love".

I wish you the best of luck there gilly!

 

[T.H. Oughts]

Gilly if you and you partner can handle the mental side of having a teenager and a young family around then go for it and give it a try. Sounds like your sister needs help now before things get to much worse.

Have you thought of asking your mother to take some 'parenting skills' class for managing teenagers or taking a 'tough love' class that teaches parents how to deal with teenages.

 

[MaddyBaby]

Well Gilly...

I am very impressed with you. When I was a Junior in high school, my sister offered the same thing to me. I was very sick with Anorexia and I had very bad emotional things going on with my mother as well.

Needless to say, I didn't end up going up to Omaha with her, but just knowing she was there to take me in gave me a way out whenever I would want to take it. My sister is my best friend in the world, and knowing she was and is there for me.... it's the best thing in the world.

Now, I am 20... and moving up with her in a very short time as she restructures her life with the leave from her jackass husband. So now, I can be there for her and the children. All I ca say is, Gilly... you're offer rules and you are an awesome sister.


Mads

 

[Gilly Bean]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice.

We hadn't thought about parenting skill classes, but one thing I believe we will doing, is having her go to a counsler once or twice a week. I called my mom after starting this thread, and said that when we had talked before, I was looking at it as asking Brooke what she wanted. She has already done so much of what she wants, that it shouldn't be left up to her. We decided that if my mother thinks that will be best for her, then that's what we will do. Not if it's what she wants or not. It's not going to be up to her. She is going to be angry and resentful at first, but I honestly think this is what she needs.



Thanks again everyone.

 

[CarolineOh]

Gilly,
You have my respect and admiration fo taking this step for your sister. I would not be surprised if the example of your selfless actions doesn't in and of itself, have a positive effect. Yes, your sister needs discipline, but even more, she needs to feel wanted and loved. I have no doubt you will convey that to her.
Best of luck to you and your family.

 

[CarolineOh]

Thank you, everyone, for the advice.


Thanks again everyone.

Just make sure you still have time to pose for a picture or two every once in a while, OK?

 

[Gilly Bean]

Just make sure you still have time to pose for a picture or two every once in a while, OK?

-giggles- That was one of the first things we thought about. Our 'night' life. Pictures on the puter would need to be hidden, CPU time would drop drastically for sites like this, and general over all playing would have to be alot more discreet. We would have to stop going to our friends house over night, because we wouldn't be able to trust leaving her here alone overnight, at least at first. We would be making a large lifestyle change, but if it helps her, I think we need to do it.

 

[SpaceToast]

Good, but...

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on this, but I'm from rural Maine, and I've seen many similar situations, both inside and outside my extended family.

The only thing I can really add that might help (and I do hope it does) is to remind you of the initial problem behind all of this. The problem is parents who don't want to be adults. Parents who will ever make and accept the statement "it's too hard." I'm not trying to preach, but this has been my observation through the years.

Taking in a teenager is not going to be easy, but it sounds like the environment you can provide is the best of all options for her. I wish you all luck with this and I think that your suggestions about homework vs privileges and so forth are logical, but I hope you proceed carefully. If you do this, chances are it will be the most difficult thing you ever undertake-

-M@

 

[CarolineOh]

-giggles- That was one of the first things we thought about. Our 'night' life. Pictures on the puter would need to be hidden, CPU time would drop drastically for sites like this, and general over all playing would have to be alot more discreet. We would have to stop going to our friends house over night, because we wouldn't be able to trust leaving her here alone overnight, at least at first. We would be making a large lifestyle change, but if it helps her, I think we need to do it.

I don't have any doubts that you will do what's right. I was joking about the pictures, but seriously, make sure that you save some time and energy for yourself.

 

[LadyDarkFire]

We hadn't thought about parenting skill classes, but one thing I believe we will doing, is having her go to a counsler once or twice a week. I called my mom after starting this thread, and said that when we had talked before, I was looking at it as asking Brooke what she wanted. She has already done so much of what she wants, that it shouldn't be left up to her. We decided that if my mother thinks that will be best for her, then that's what we will do. Not if it's what she wants or not. It's not going to be up to her. She is going to be angry and resentful at first, but I honestly think this is what she needs.

Hey Gilly,
A. Good luck, and you're a better person than most. Taking in a 14-15 year old with a chip on her shoulder is something that most people wouldn't do.
B. Councelors, and Academic Coaches, are very handy, as long as you can find a good one. Alot of Child/Family councelors simply do not realize how to deal with Teenagers. For those sessions to do good, it might be best to let her have some say. That way, she gets a councelor that she trusts, and will talk to. She's going to be hurt, so that could be a really valuable tool in settling her into a new life pattern. You said that she's getting Fs right now, which is why I mentioned an Academic Coach. They're wonderful people who do what parents, or legal guardians, can't do. They will come to the school during one of her free, or minor elective courses, sit down with her, plan out scheduals, talk to teachers, and arrange more communication. The only really difficult part I see with her moving is the Boyfriend. He's not a good influence, but she probably feels very strongly about him, so the seperation might be very hard on her. If I may suggest something, buy her a long distance phone card for a certain amount every week (7-11 has 1.9 cents a minute, and are available in 5, 10, or 20 dollar units) so she can talk to him. That way, she manages her time, has a limited amount of contact with him, but doesn't feel completely cut off. You could also try arranging letting her go back to visit on School Holidays as rewards for good grades, and better attitude.

 

[Gilly Bean]

We know it will be rough. We arn't looking at this as a cure all. It's going to take a long time, and it will be very rough as we start out. Especially if she is just told, this is what's going to happen, rather then being asked. I don't plan to go in and say, Brooke, you arn't going to get this this and this, until I see something from you. Far from it. I am going to take it as she has all her privlages until she does something to lose them. I don't want her to think that coming up here to live is a punishment. I want her to look at it as a chance to start over, with a clean slate. If we can get her to look at it that way, I think it will go good for her. When she does, if she does rather, move in, I think it should be soon. She would have to transfer schools right in the middle, but she's failing 3 classes, and barely passing the others. If she has to switch now, it won't be doing much damage. As it is, she may have to repeate her freshmen year. Another thing up here, is that the city is larger then the one she lives in now, and rather then 1 choice for a high school, we have 1 charter high school, one public, one alternitive, and 2 private ones. We can try to find one that will suit her best.

 

[Weird Harold]

Pictures on the puter would need to be hidden, CPU time would drop drastically for sites like this, ...

You'll need to make sure she has a computer of her own and password protect yours at the boot up level.

I would suggest that if you do this, you make a "formal" contract with her -- put the ground rules in writing, and make her sign a copy to indicate she understands what is expected of her.

I applaud your courage in even considering this. I can't imagine any greater disruption to your life than "instant teenager" -- especially "instant problem teenager"

 

[Gilly Bean]

Hey Gilly,
A. Good luck, and you're a better person than most. Taking in a 14-15 year old with a chip on her shoulder is something that most people wouldn't do.
B. Councelors, and Academic Coaches, are very handy, as long as you can find a good one. Alot of Child/Family councelors simply do not realize how to deal with Teenagers. For those sessions to do good, it might be best to let her have some say. That way, she gets a councelor that she trusts, and will talk to. She's going to be hurt, so that could be a really valuable tool in settling her into a new life pattern. You said that she's getting Fs right now, which is why I mentioned an Academic Coach. They're wonderful people who do what parents, or legal guardians, can't do. They will come to the school during one of her free, or minor elective courses, sit down with her, plan out scheduals, talk to teachers, and arrange more communication. The only really difficult part I see with her moving is the Boyfriend. He's not a good influence, but she probably feels very strongly about him, so the seperation might be very hard on her. If I may suggest something, buy her a long distance phone card for a certain amount every week (7-11 has 1.9 cents a minute, and are available in 5, 10, or 20 dollar units) so she can talk to him. That way, she manages her time, has a limited amount of contact with him, but doesn't feel completely cut off. You could also try arranging letting her go back to visit on School Holidays as rewards for good grades, and better attitude.

Those are all very good idea's we hadn't thought of. Her boyfriend is fairly new, within the last two weeks, is all. While she feels very strongly for him now, and it will be hard being seperated, I don't think the relationship will last long. As soon as she's out of site, I have the feeling she will be out of mind for him, as well. A phone card is an excellent idea. She can spend that, and manage her time in the phone. She is at the age where that phone is glued to her head, if we let it be.

I think that if we can get her comfortable up here, things will go smoothly. if she is resentful (which is what I am thinkgin she will be) then I have a feeling that at least the first month or two, are going to be hard. If she can get into a routine here for school, and meet some friends up here, maybe she will settle down a bit.


At least... I hope. I want her to see that this is a new chance, to change, and start over. Once she see's it that way, things will get better. I hope.