Advice please....

[Weird Harold]

She is at the age where that phone is glued to her head, if we let it be.

When my daughters were that age, I made them use an egg timer when they were on the phone -- no single phone call over three minutes, especially if I wasn't home at the time.

One other thought: Make sure you and your mother get together with a lawyer and draw up guardianship papers to answer the inevitable "you're not my mother" charge.

 

[hornylady]

I take my hat off to you for being that committed to your sister Gilly, and I think she's very lucky to have you and Lekov. You sound like you've both thought long and hard about this, and you have a pretty realistic and positive attitude and approach in mind, and it certainly sounds like a big chance for her to make a break with the negative spiral she's locked into at the moment. Maybe (and I apologise for sounding like I've swallowed a psychology book here) this is the kind of response she's been unconsciously trying to provoke; by pushing everything so far, maybe she's been trying to find where the boundaries are?! Like was said up there^, don't forget that you and Lekov need your time and space as well.

Good luck, Gilly - you'll probably need it, but I think you're making the right decision for the right reasons, with the right tactics in mind, and I think your sister is very lucky to have you around.

 

[Lekov]

I for one am totally in support of whatever Gilly feels she needs to do. My sister is having a kid that she is in NO way, shape or form ready for. We've all ready accepted the fact that we're going to be stuck doing alot of raising and babysitting for that baby too. Niece/nephew and her sister... it's all family. I have had my fairly recent experiences with difficult teens, so this should prove interesting. Gilly and Brooke get along for the most part, and certainly Gilly will do a hands-down better job than their mom ever has or can. She's just got too many other 'priorities', and sadly her children have never topped the list. At times, much to my anger, I don't think her kids make the top 10 on that list. We discussed this idea months ago, when things were first starting to get out of hand. We've waited and watched, but unfortunately they are progressing exactly as we feared. I can say I'm personally not looking forward to adding another person to an all ready up and down household, but I do believe in responsibility, and owing one to your closest friends and family. I am almost certain this is what will happen, and I am fully ready and willing to do my best to help.

As for the comment on legal documentation, that was one of the first things I told Gilly. I refuse to try this without legal backing, especially since honestly, that is all a guardian really has at times, other than love, which is often either ignored or sadly, taken advantage of. Cross your fingers folks, 'cause I think we'll need a bit of luck, but I'm looking forward to trying. I think that handled right, this could bring the whole family closer, and hopefully help out a girl who is very smart, pretty and has a great future ahead of herself, if she will give herself the chance to acquire it.

Lekov

 

[JennyOmanHill]

You two are incredibly wonderful people!

All the suggestions and thoughts in this thread are great ideas and important considerations. It will be hard, but once she is showered with love and the feeling of being wanted, I believe things will take a turn in a good direction for her (and you!).

Wishing you all the best!

 

[Gilly Bean]

Yes, we plan to get legal documents signed for several reasons, not the least of which is so that I can be her guardian with the schools up here. If I'm not, I can't sign for her, or anything. It will give us medical release with her, and what not. We would be taking over. I know my mom would be helping out money wise, which we would need. We can't afford to do it alone. I'm not sure other then that. I just hope everything works out in the end, and that none of us regrets this.

 

[LovetoGiveRoses]

My hat's off to you Gilly and Lekov, that's a brave and supporting thing that y'all are taking on. Sounds like you have some good plans.

Have you ever considered one of these 1 week "boot camps" that take on kids that are at risk. From what I understand, the "boot camps" give the kids a little appreciation of the "larger" world and are often successful. If you combine the boot camp with your current plans, she might come to your house with a new attitude.

If she's being this rebellious and is failing 3 classes at school, you might want to consider having her tested for drug use. If she's negative, then you've learned a fact and it's one less thing you have to worry about, if she comes up postive, that adds a new element that you must consider in your planning.

Good luck.

 

[Guest]

I wish for you many blessings, Gilly.
Your heart and spirit is warm and giving.
Everything will work out. Good luck!

 

[Gilly Bean]

Thanks guys. My mom is going to let me know tonight what she thinks we should do. I think she is hesitant fora few reasons. One would be that she doesn't want Brooke to feel like she is being punished, or dumped on me. And she doesn't want me to feel that way. I think we have to be extremely awware of how we approach her with the matter. I want her to feel like she is wanted here, not being sent here. I think if she looks at it that way, we will at least not have to deal with her being angry at us. She adores being around the kids, so maybe that will help, as well.

 

[RawHumor]

I don't really have a lot to add, GB, but I have to agree with everyone else. You're a GREAT person (as is your hubby) for taking on this challenge, but it COULD turn out to be one of the most rewarding things you've ever done.

A few years from now, she'll very likely think of you as the one who helped her get her life back on the right track.

 

[Vivacia]

I am sure that you know you would be doing the right thing by your sister.

The only words of caution I would make is the fact that you have a young family - you would have to think how her behaviour may affect them...

Good luck whatever you decide

And BTW - great pics! You are a very beautiful woman, heart, soul and body!

 

[sweetlittleass]

Gilly...

I could be your little sister. Now, at 30 - I love my sister to death for doing what you are talking about doing. Of course, at 16 I absolutly hated here for what she did.

When I was 16 my dad moved me in with his new girlfriend and 2 kids... I ran away a few months later. He never came to look for me, even though he had to know I was with my (looking back) dipshit of a boyfriend. The boyfriend turned into a control freak and I wasn't allowed out of the house without him or one of his friends to watch over me to make sure I didn't take off. My sister and mom eventually discovered that I had run away - they somehow found me and showed up at the door with the cops! When they found me, they set out the rules. No boyfriends, had to go to school, do homework, help out with chores around the house - usual stuff. I agreed, thankful to get out of the situation. Then we had to move. I hated it! We were living in Vancouver, and we were moving to a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere. I resisted and acted out. I made their lives a living hell - but they stuck by me. After we moved, I started seeing this guy on the side - against one of the rules. I ended up pregnant, at 16! I didn't tell anyone until I was about 7 months pregnant, and by then, there was nothing anyone could do about it. The no boyfriend ban had been lifted and I was seeing a wonderful guy (who coincidentally, is now my husband) He didn't care I was pregnant, he just loved me. I'm sorry for rambling on, but I just want you to know everything that I put my family through.

Anyways, I ended up having a baby boy when I was 17. I graduated high school, on the honor roll for two straight terms and was accepted to University - with the help of my sister and mom. They even let me go on a high school trip to Paris when the baby was only 8 months old! They were great to me, and I'm sure you will be great to your little sister. I can almost guarantee that she won't appreciate it now, but you bet your ass she'll appreciate it when she is older! Now, I'm 30, married to a wonderful man for the past 6 years, been together for 13 years almost. I'm studying for an accounting designation and love my sister to bits for all she did for me.

I hope all turns out well with your sister...

 

[RhumbRunner13]

Gilly....

My initial thoughts would echo LTGR's:

"If she's being this rebellious and is failing 3 classes at school, you might want to consider having her tested for drug use."

Besides that obvious possibility, you seem to be describing the classic symptoms of sexual abuse or rape in a young girl, and the resultant destruction of self esteem and personal values.

There might also be a simpler explanation just in the changes taking place within her body, a good physical checking hormone levels and balance could find a simpler cause.

Good luck, may you not "suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fourteen year old!!!"

RhumbRunner

 

[Gilly Bean]

Well, I just got off the phone with Brooke. She was told by her dad yesterday that she can't stay this week, because he can't take care of her. My mom told her she needs to find another place to stay, at least for this week, because they need to be apart for a while. My grandma said she can't stay there. She is at a friends right now, but she really won't be able to stay there, either, at least not for more then a day or two. She called up my brother and his girlfriend, and asked to stay there. Because of thier own situation, they had to say no, even though they wanted to take her in. What she has heard from 5 sides now, is No. So, she asked them for my number, and said we were her last resort. I called her after hearing that, and talked to her.

I asked her what she wanted, and she wasn't sure. I offered her a place here, and she only asked what school she would go to. I told her she could go to the city high school, and she said that was fine.

I am on my way to go pick her up now.


Wish me luck.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Gilly:

The first step is the biggest, and each time I read through this thread, my heart goes out to your sister. Teenagers have enough rejection in their lives and they are still too young to keep things in perspective.

I'm sending good thoughts to you today and this new chapter begins.

I also want to thank S.L.A. for relating her tale. All the best, and congrats for realizing how much your family loves you.

 

[RawHumor]

Wow, good luck to you! I hope everything works out okay for you and your family (both your own family and kids and your mom & sis and the rest).

Keep us updated if you can.

 

[Lekov]

Well Raw... here's the update, and it's not the kind I expected. I ran the car home on lunch so Gilly could go pick Brooke up. Just as we were leaving, their mother FINALLY calls back (gilly had been calling and emailing her all day), and tells us not to come down, because she won't have time to do the school transfer for weeks, because of her busy schedule (this gets back to my remark prior, about her 'prioroties' and how sometimes her kids rank near the top). Yet, she needs a break from Brooke, and can't be with her this week. Brooke's father told her she couldn't stay with him, yet when he heard we would be picking her up, he said he was calling the police... I just don't get it. Tell the kid you don't want her, but when someone does, you do everything you can to mung it up?

Anywho, so that trip's off for the moment, and they've stuck GILLY with having to call her up and tell her we can't get her now, making us look like the bad guys. Her mom's supposed to call tonight and 'talk' some more... personally I'm about 5 minutes from trying to get off work early, except that my boss is a bit of... well, he's a dick. Basically, I'd have a better chance of fryin' a fish on the sidewalk today, and it's been snowing. Anyways... I think we will get the needed paperwork from the school here, DRIVE it down to her mom tomarrow so she can sign it off... all without the 'inconveninece' (spelled wrong) to herself.

I'm a bit frustrated at how little parents will do for their own kids at times, and this only underlines that notion. -sighs- And they wonder why Brooke is hostile?

 

[Gilly Bean]

-mutters-

My mom called just as I was heading out the door to go pick Brooke up, and told me there was no way in hell it was gonna happen until at least next week. She's actually angry that Brooke wants to come here. Her father got pissed about it, and called the cops. Over what, i have no idea. My mom's cheif complaint was that she can't possibly take time from work this week to come up here and sign all the papers that would need to be signed for her to transfer into school. My next job this week, is to see if I can get all the stuff from the school here that needs to be signed, and take it to her. Brooke isn't doing good, right now, she thinks no one wants her, and no one loves her.

My mom said she needs to learn to face her problems, not run from them. I agree to an extent, but in this situation, it's leaving Brooke in a bad atmosphere, she feels unwanted, unloved, and is only going to get into worse trouble if she stays there. it needs to be remedied immediatly.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

-mutters-
...She's actually angry that Brooke wants to come here. Her father got pissed about it, and called the cops. Over what, i have no idea. My mom's cheif complaint was that she can't possibly take time from work this week to come up here and sign all the papers that would need to be signed for her to transfer into school. My next job this week, is to see if I can get all the stuff from the school here that needs to be signed, and take it to her. Brooke isn't doing good, right now, she thinks no one wants her, and no one loves her.

These words say it all about what the poor girl is going through! (Your sister shouldn't get what she "wants"!! seems to be her parent's attitude). What a shame, but I sense it will make you even more determined to get something done. Good luck and hang in there!

 

[Gilly Bean]

Well, I called the school, and the process from thier end will be fairly quick and painless.

However, I have to have either proof of guardianship, or power of attorney before I can start the process. Well, actually, they just need proof that we have started the process. Anyone know anything about what i do to get that?

 

[SexyChele]

Gilly,
First, I want to commend you for your dedication to your sister. You are so willing to take on a difficult task to ensure this young girl has a true shot in life. My heart goes out to you!

Second, and this may not be so popular here, but it's just advice - take it or leave it. I work for Children's Protective Services in the county where I live. There are occasions where parents have stated they cannot, for whatever reasons, take care of a child. Normally, Social Services will look to a relative to place the child with - be that relative the other parent, grandparent, or older sibling, etc.

My suggestion: since your mother seems to waffling a bit, and the girl's father is threatening with police action (something I can't even see the police responding to), it might be wise to just contact Social Services in your area and find out what they might suggest. Depending on the situation, a social worker may talk to your mother, convince her that having Brooke move in with you and your family is the best option for her right now. Also, Social Services can guide you in the direction of what needs to be done legally so you can sign her up for school, take care of medical concerns, etc. Lastly, and if for no other reason, a social worker can tell you of programs in your area that might offer financial assistance if you are caring for your sister, as well as counseling programs that are available.

I am NOT suggesting you file a report of abuse. You don't want to do that. Even if Social Services determines there might be abuse, you don't want this matter turned over to them. All I'm suggesting is calling for advice from them.

And again, good luck to you, your family, and most importantly, Brooke.

 

[Gilly Bean]

Well, I talked with my mother a bit... email, that is. I sent her a long one about how Brooke feels, reguardless of what's being said, that she feels unwanted, and unloved, and how it's gone on for far to long. I told her that she is crying out for help, and that I take it as a good sign that she wants to move up here. She is willing to drop her school, friends, and boyfriend to get out of this situation. I take that as a sign that she WANTS to change. So, I gave my mom a LONG email on it.

She wrote back, saying she agreed 100%, but how it's Tim (her dad) whose stalling now, and how she needs to talk everything over with him, and that it will still be two weeks or more before anything can happen.

What bothers me, is that neither of her parents are will to be inconvinieced by her, but I am more then will to go out of my way to get her out of this, and they won't even let me do that, because she needs to solve this problem herself. For crying out loud, she is trying to! She knows she needs to change things. She wants out! Leaving her to sit there is NOT healthy for her. Not in the least.

 

[Lekov]

-nod nod nod nod nod nod nod nod nod nod nod-

I am letting Gilly deal with them right now. I'll just point to my above comment... is it any wonder Brooke is hostile and feeling unwanted?

 

[RawHumor]

I am letting Gilly deal with them right now. I'll just point to my above comment... is it any wonder Brooke is hostile and feeling unwanted?

The scary thing is, when you read or see stories about runaway kids, it's attitudes like these from parents that they kids mention... feeling unwanted or unnoticed.

It'd be interesting to find out your dad's reasoning for being so hostile about the idea of her living with you two.

 

[Gilly Bean]

I think part of it, is that he's not my dad. We have different dads. He's looking at it as giving my mom's family more control over Brooke. She just needs help.

 

[SexyChele]

The scary thing is, when you read or see stories about runaway kids, it's attitudes like these from parents that they kids mention... feeling unwanted or unnoticed.

It'd be interesting to find out your dad's reasoning for being so hostile about the idea of her living with you two.

This is SO true!

As for the father's reluctance, it is something seen all the time. It usually comes from a number of sources:

1. He has control issues - he doesn't want Brooke in his life, but he will hold things up so she doesn't get any help. He is in control of the situation. Not good for Brooke, but it soothes his ego. Not sure if this is what is going on here, but I have seen it before.

2. If Gilly and her husband get Brooke, they can legally file to have Brooke's father pay Gilly child support. Not sure if he is already doing that with Brooke's mother or not, but if he isn't he might very well know that it could become a real possibility with Gilly. Especially if Gilly were to apply for assistance (which she would be totally entitled to), as the county where you apply usually goes after the parents for support payments.

There are other reasons, all of them lame, given light that this man does not want to take responsibility for this child.