A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Real Life...

Yesterday's jokes were all from an English comedian called Tommy Cooper, who died about 30 years ago. The story goes that he was as ridiculously funny in real life as he was on stage.

In fact (true story) he once gave an envelope to a taxi driver as a tip, saying, "Have a drink on me." The driver, on taking the envelope which was 'enlarged' and 'squidgy', thought he had been given a thick wad of cash. After the poor guy drove off and later opened it, he found it contained a couple of tea bags

If you'd like to see some more, try here:- Tommy Cooper Jokes

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Predictive Text...

A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I’m so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess, I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I can't get any at home. I know that's no excuse, but I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his study, grabbed his gun, and walked into the bedroom where, without a word, he shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:
Damn auto-correct! I meant "WiFi" of course, not "wife"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Mysterious ways...

I'm sure I posted this yesterday, but it seems to have gone missing.
Here it is again...

A country yokel stumbles across a mass baptism at a river.
He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher.
"Are you ready to find Jesus my son?" the preacher asks.
The yokel replies, "Oh yes! That I am sir."
The preacher puts him under the water then says, "Have you found Jesus my son?"
"No sir," the yokel replies.
He puts him under for longer.
"Have you found Jesus?"
"No sir."
He puts him under for two minutes.
"Have you found Jesus?" he asks for the final time.
The yokel says, "Are you bloody sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Surprise...

A woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?"
"Not sure," he said.
She gave him a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.
"No," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, intrigued.
"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Self Catering...

Get yourself comfortable - We're likely to be here for a while


Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life - until the boat sinks.

He finds himself washed up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But... but, that's impossible," stutters Ed. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forge-able ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

Ed is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.

Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed.
"Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies.
"I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, he accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.

Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, Ed goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism.

"WOW! This woman is amazing," he muses, "What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but strategically positioned vines, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months. You know..."

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.
"You mean...", he swallows excitedly,

V

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"You mean... I can check my e-mail from here?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Spelling...

One yokel says to his friend, "How do you spell orange?"
The second yokel replies, "The fruit or the colour?"

 

[iLackBrainCells]

A man donates blood to his wife after she is badly injured.

A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back!.

So she throws a tampon in his face and says "There you go you miserable bastard I'll pay you back monthly!"

And the moral of this story is:-
Even if a woman eventually pays back what she owes a man, there will ALWAYS be a string attached!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Truly British...

When Madonna first moved to England, she said she wanted to feel more English. She is now an unmarried, single mother with four kids all from different fathers...

Job well done, I'd say !

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Drinking...

Prosecco - How the classy get wasted.

I don't drink any more... mind you I don't drink any less either.

 

[bone251]

I love the new avatar Macey! You are really cute!



The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

This going to cause more confusion than a mouse at a Tupperware party.

Rand McNally has a map of the ocean floor. If you need it, you must be really lost.

If you cannot be a great example, at least be a terrifying warning.

It does not matter whether you win or lose, it is how the band plays.

Kind of like analyzing the dissection of a frog. There is no good way do so, and the frog still dies.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Fashion...

My married girlfriend just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since I married him 25 years ago & it still fits me."
I said "It's a SCARF."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Nah Nah...

I was walking along the street with my friend when an ambulance went speeding past us with the siren blaring.
She turned to me and said, "He'll never sell any ice cream going at at that speed."

 

[bone251]

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little BILLY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little BILLY says, "I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little BILLY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Compliments...

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, "A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L"
She asks, "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, beautiful cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot & intelligent."
She said, "Oh, how lovely. What about. J, K & L?"
He said, "Just kidding love."

 

[KrazieKat69]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

"Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[bone251]

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow- filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. PS Sure is hot down here.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Romantic Message...

Lol - Simply love those two - Thanks

A yokel goes into a florist and said, "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend."
The florist looked at him and asked, "Certainly sir. What is it you're after?"
The yokel replies "A shag!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Tact & Diplomacy...

A recent survey suggests that women who carry a few extra pounds, tend to live longer than the men who mention it.

 

[bone251]

The Physics of Hell
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
engineering mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor
shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of
their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when
it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they
are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many
souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist

in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a
member of their religion, you will go to Hell.

Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not

belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to
Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of
change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell
has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase
until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase
of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep
with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true,

and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze." the
student

received the only "A" given.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Dating...

The Physics of Hell

Ha ha - brilliant - I love it

In Britain, it is considered to be lucky if a bird shits on you - but you may have to take her out to dinner first.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Taxing...

I was delighted when the kind people at the Inland Revenue wrote to me recently, telling me that my tax return was 'outstanding' particularly since I can't even remember sending it in.

 

[bone251]

A boy frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Sanity...

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
Earth is the Insane Asylum for the Universe.
I used to have a handle on life, but I broke it.
I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute.
My analyst is jealous because the voices only talk to me.

 

[Coranhorn]

Three two letter words that imply something very small:
...
Is It In?

(sorry guys )

The response to this is...

I dont know yet.

(sorry ladies)

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Intelligence...

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.
I took an IQ test but the result came back negative.
Did you ever stop to think... and forget to start again?
Ever wondered if the Gene Pool could use a little chlorine?
and... It IS as bad as you think - They ARE out to get you