A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Oral hygene...

One night a couple were lying in bed.
The husband was feeling frisky so he rolled over and tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, but I have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Rejected, the husband turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later he rolls over and whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment too?"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Life...

Don't take life too seriously - you won't get out alive.
He who dies with the most toys, is still nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it takes up a thousand times the memory.
The original Point and Click device was a Smith and Wesson.
Some people are alive, only because it's illegal to kill them.
... and lastly... Men don't have to be dead to donate their organs.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Footballers...

This is an old one (apparently).
Not sure if our US friends will understand this - you may have to look a few things up :-S

David Beckham was looking around a hardware store and he came across a Thermos Flask.
"What's this?" he asked the assistant.
"This is a Thermos Flask sir," she told him.
"What's it for?" he asked.
"It's for putting food in sir. It has heat insulating properties. It keeps hot foods hot or cold foods cold."
"Wow! That's clever," Becks said. "I'll have one of those."
So, next time Becks went for football training he took his new Thermos Flask with him.
"What's that?" his teammates all asked.
"It's a Thermos Flask," he told them proudly.
"What's it for?"
"It's for putting food in. It keeps hot foods hot or cold foods cold."
"Wow! That's clever," they all said.
"What have you got in it?" one asked.
"Two cups of coffee and a choc-ice."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Pain Threshold...

For centuries, men and women have argued over which is more painful: being kicked in the groin, or giving birth.

So how can we reach an answer?
Well, consider this: about a year after a couple's first child, a woman will often say, "Let's have another baby."

But I challenge you to find any man who, one year on, will turn to his mate and say, "Tell you what, Dave... kick me in the nuts again."

(Sorry ladies... Playing for the wrong side there )

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Medical...

If there's one thing I really can't stand it's Hemorrhoids. They're an absolute pain in the arse
And the doctors are no help! My doctor prescribed some suppositories, but for all the good they did I may as well have stuck them up my bum!

 

[bone251]

This Guy goes to a town with no women and is asking around what do you guys do?
Well… you see we go over to the coral and pick out one of those soft fluffy sheep.
The guy is disgusted and can’t believe it, but as the days went on and he was getting anxious he started noticing a couple guys with sheep and they were starting to look good.
So he stops at the local bar and asks directions to the coral.
He gets down to the coral picks out a nice sheep… just like the girl next door and walks her on over to his room. As he is walking to his room everybody is clearing the streets and he is starting to wonder if the joke is on him. So he ask the bar tender what’s going on, I though you said guys did this with sheep.
Bar tender replied; “We do; But you got the Sheriffs Girl!”

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Age and Contentment...

This Guy goes to a town with no women ...
Lol - Reminds me of another - I'll post in a few days

The meek shall inherit the Earth... after everyone else is done with it.
... or - If that's OK with everyone else.
Consciousness - that irritating time that old people have between naps.
Wrinkled, is not one of the things I want to be when I grow up.
Failure is not an option - It comes free with the software.
... and finally...
The sex was so good that even the neighbours lit a cigarette.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Games...

I was playing chess with my girlfriend and she said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.

 

[SithLordSexyPants1]

The Entrance Exam For Medical School

When Students Took The Entrance Exam For Medical School, They Were Perplexed By This Question:

"rearrange The Letters P-n-e-s-i
To Spell Out The Part Of The Human Body That Is Most Useful When
Erect."

Those Who Spelled Spine Became Doctors.
The Rest Are In Congress.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Punctuation...

My Auntie says my uncle's penis is like a semi colon.
She can’t remember what it’s for and she never uses it anyway.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Chinese new Year...

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese ... and there are 5 people in my family
I know it isn't me, so it must be one of them.
I don't think it's my mum or my dad.
It could be my older brother Colin...
or maybe my younger brother Ho-Chau-Chou...
... but I think it's Colin.

 

[AlliaPotestas]

Couple drinking in a pub, bloke goes to the loo - another fella takes his seat and tells the woman he will fuck her...

“What! No you won’t - my husband will kill you!”

He proceeds to tell her he’ll lick her all over...

“You bloody won’t -wait until my husband gets back!”

He then tells her he’ll fill her cunt with beer and drink it through a straw...

Just then the husband comes back and she starts to angrily recount the encounter...

As she tells him he threatened to fuck her, he takes his jacket off... when she says he claimed he’d lick her all over, he rolls his sleeves up...

But when she recounts the beer in her cunt he quickly pulls his jacket back on...

“What are you doing?” She protests

“Sorry love, I’m not taking on a man that can drink that much...”

 

[Wkd_Macey]

It's all relative...

I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?"
The guy said: "It depends where you’re calling from."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Drink in Moderation...

A Guy rings his brother and says "I'm still in the cells."
His brother asks, "What for?"
He replied, "I got stopped by the Police last night as part of their "Drink Driving Campaign."
"And?" his brother prompts him.
"The policewoman asked me how many drinks I'd had in the last 24 hours."
"So what did you say?" his brother enquired.
"Apparently 'Not enough to shag you' was the wrong answer!"

 

[peterthelicker]

I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said: "Is that the local swimming baths?"
The guy said: "It depends where you’re calling from."

That’s Laugh Out Loud Funny!

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Heavenly...

That’s Laugh Out Loud Funny!

You'll like this one then...

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Saint Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Saint Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Saint Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She replied, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

 

[peterthelicker]

You'll like this one then...

Four nuns were standing in line at the gates of heaven.
Saint Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned. "Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
Saint Peter then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned. "Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied.
"Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
Saint Peter asked her, "Why did you push ahead in line?"
She replied, "Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!"

Indeed

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Such a droll bar...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[OldUncleJack]

I telephoned my local bookshop the other day
the man said "Can i help you?"
i said "No thanks...just browsing"

 

[Coranhorn]

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 

[Wkd_Macey]

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes...

Oh - that is so bad - lol

 

[Coranhorn]

Oh - that is so bad - lol

But entirely accurate if you think about it.

 

[Coranhorn]

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

[ValeriaBliss]

i call my girlfriend Bambi.

she thinks it's because of her big brown eyes,in reality, i just want someone to shoot her mother.

 

[Coranhorn]

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."