A Joke A Day

[Wkd_Macey]

Wartime Heroes...

i call my girlfriend Bambi...

Ohh... that is awful

My granddad was telling me about how they were given powdered egg during the war.
He thought it was cocaine so he snorted it and almost choked on his own omelette.

 

[bone251]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle, all
traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers
stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the
control

console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself in
the

back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Brits
sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs
of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."

 

[Coranhorn]

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

 

[ValeriaBliss]

A penguin takes his car into the shop one day, since it isn't working right. the mechanic says he'll be an hour checking on what's wrong, so the penguin goes down the street to the ice cream shop, ordering a big sundae to eat and pass the time. It's a pretty hot day, and penguins aren't the neatest, so the penguin ends up covered in melted ice cream, and returns to the mechanic without cleaning up.

The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insisted, "it's just ice cream."

 

[Coranhorn]

A penguin takes his car into the shop one day, since it isn't working right. the mechanic says he'll be an hour checking on what's wrong, so the penguin goes down the street to the ice cream shop, ordering a big sundae to eat and pass the time. It's a pretty hot day, and penguins aren't the neatest, so the penguin ends up covered in melted ice cream, and returns to the mechanic without cleaning up.

The mechanic says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

"No," the penguin insisted, "it's just ice cream."

Priceless..... i love it

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Religion...

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets, and the space shuttle
...
That wasn't the way I heard it... In our version it was Rolls Royce who developed it... and sent it to NASA
(still funny though )

Mother Superior was having a relaxing soak in a tin bath in front of the fire, and she had just got herself settled when there came a knock at the door.
'Oh no,' she thought. 'Who on earth could that be?' She didn't want to get out of her bath and get dry just to answer the door, so she called out "Who is it?"
"It's the blind man," came the reply.
'Oh, that's alright then,' she thought. 'I don't need to get dressed' so she called out, "Come in. It's open."
The door opened and the man's voice said, "Ooohh... Nice tits love. Where do you want the blind fitted?"

 

[Coranhorn]

Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up...
If you're not in prison.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

The Holy Land...

Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up...
If you're not in prison.
Depends on your outlook

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The undertaker said "It will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here."
The husband said, "Ship her home."
The undertaker said "But sir. Why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and save the money."
The husband said "Listen here pal. A long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead...
"Shes going home!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

What's yours?

You know you're getting old if someone asks you if you prefer sex or cake, and you answer, "What kind of cake?"

 

[mickyp123]

Ohh... that is awful

My granddad was telling me about how they were given powdered egg during the war.
He thought it was cocaine so he snorted it and almost choked on his own omelette.

That's a yoke

 

[mickyp123]

For those of my generation (read all generations!)who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me:

two police officers,
a private investigator
and a psychiatrist.

 

[fma20fma]

hi

I enjoyed this joke.

 

[Coranhorn]

You know you're getting old if someone asks you if you prefer sex or cake, and you answer, "What kind of cake?"

They clearly arent having the right kind of sex...

 

[Coranhorn]

A Scotsman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly.
The undertaker said "It will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here."
The husband said, "Ship her home."
The undertaker said "But sir. Why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and save the money."
The husband said "Listen here pal. A long long time ago a man called Jesus was buried here, and 3 days later he rose from the dead...
"Shes going home!"

I dont blame him.... at all... haha

 

[Coranhorn]

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!" Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut." Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?" Sally replied, "No, salty." Mom fainted.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

For those of my generation (read all generations!)who do not and cannot comprehend why Facebook exists, I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.
I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.
I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.

And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me:

two police officers,
a private investigator
and a psychiatrist.

Ha Ha - PMSL
I must tell all my friends on Facebook... Err... Oops

 

[Wkd_Macey]

No Swearing Please...

This goes on a bit...

A beautiful young woman walked in to her doctor's consulting room, clearly in a highly distressed state.
The doctor asked her to take a seat and said kindly, "What seems to be the trouble miss?"
"It's my new boyfriend, the bastard!" she sobbed.

"What about him?" the doctor asked. The young lady just sat in the chair and sobbed uncontrollably for a minute, so being a sympathetic soul, the doctor guided her to a small sofa, handed her some tissues, and sat beside her putting a comforting arm around her shoulders.

"Now, try to relax, and tell me what happened... from the beginning," he said kindly.

The young lady wiped her eyes and through her sobs and sniffles she began to relate her account. "Well (sniff), she began, "he came to see me last week and he sat beside me and put his arm around me. Bastard!" she sobbed.

"I see," the doctor responded in a sympathetic tone. "You mean the same way that I'm doing now?" he asked.
"Yes... just like that, the bastard," she sobbed.
"Well... that's not so bad, is it? So then what happened?"
"He started to stroke my ear (sniffle)," she said, then broke down in tears again. "The bastard," she sobbed softly.

"There, there," the doctor soothed her, stroking her ear in much the same way that she had described. "Then what did he do?"

"He started to kiss me, the bastard," she said, still sobbing, as she turned her lovely face toward his, with a sad, despairing expression.

"You mean... like... this?" the doctor breathed softly, his lips gently brushing against hers. When he saw she wasn't going to stop him, he kissed her, gripping her head and pressing his lips firmly against hers while easing his tongue gently into her mouth.

After a few minutes of passionate kissing he asked her, "Well, surely that was a nice thing to do, wasn't it?"

"Oh, I didn't mind that," she said, "but he didn't stop there, the bastard," she sobbed, calming a little, but clearly still upset.

"What did he do then?" the doctor asked, not so much worried as intrigued now.
"He started to unbutton my dress," she sniffled.
"Like this?" the doctor asked, fumbling with the buttons on the front of the young lady's dress.
"Yes. Yes. That's right," she said softly, gazing up into his eyes, then she turned away. "He's such a bastard!" she sobbed.

"So what else did he do?" the doctor asked, confused but now clearly very keen to identify the root cause of the young lady's problem.

"He began stroking my body and kissing me all over, the rotten bastard."

"Like this?" the doctor enquired, realising he was onto a good thing and hurriedly removing any of her clothing still in place as his hands and his lips and his tongue began to explore everywhere he could reach.

"Yes. Yes," she moaned in obvious pleasure.

"I still don't see any reason to call him names," the doctor said, looking up from between her parted thighs, as his enthusiasm to rid the young lady of her troubles took him way beyond the normal call of duty.

"Oh. Oh," she gasped in pleasure, "but... he didn't... stop there... the bastard," she moaned, pushing her groin up to meet him.

"What... did he do... next then?" the doctor asked, hardly able to wait for the inevitable.
"He dropped his pants and..."
"Yes?" the doctor asked, quickly unfastening his pants.
"He..."
The doctor stroked his erection, eagerly awaiting her next instruction.

"He put it into me, the filthy bastard," she moaned, letting out a cry of pleasure and pushing her head back into the sofa as the doctor buried the entire length of his erection into her in a single slow thrust.

"Well that's... still no... reason to... call him... names... is it?" the doctor asked, now fully committed to helping the young lady with her problem.

"Oh yes! Yes! Yes!" the young lady cried.
"But... Why?" the doctor asked, craving to help her all he could.
"Because I... found out... he..."
"What? ... Was he... married?"
"No. No," she panted. "He had..."
"Did he... have a... girlfriend?"
"No. No," she panted. "He had..."
"What? ... What?" the doctor gasped, getting close to the end.
"Gonorrhea!"

"Oh! The Bastard!"

 

[mj83]

really worried

putting on my shirt this morn
a button came off
ready to leave and reached for my briefcase
the handle fell off
walking out the door
the knob slipped off
went to open my car's door
the latch snapped off
now? i'm really worried
cause I got to go pee!

 

[Coranhorn]

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Careful what you wish for...

Bob left work one Friday evening, but it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending all of his wages. When he finally arrived at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
Bob replied, "That would be fine with me."
So... Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so he could see her just a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Etiquette...

A young man is invited to meet his new girlfriend's parents, and soon after arriving at their rather grand abode, he begins to suffer a sudden bout of flatulence. The father, a retired dignitary, and his rather posh wife, invite him in to dinner, and despite his temporary problem, not wishing to appear rude he accepts.

Sitting at dinner, he finds he's no longer able to hold back, and accidentally let's one slip. The old man mutters something like, "Get out of it, you," and kicks the dog under the table.

The lad thinks 'This is great. He thinks it's the dog farting,' so the next time he feels the need to let one slip he doesn't even try to restrain himself, and just lets it fly. Once again, the old man kicks the dog under the table, saying, "Get out of there you stupid mutt."

The lad continues his dinner, taking comfort in the fact that he can release the pressure all he needs, safe in the knowledge that the dog will get the blame. Sure enough, once again the pressure builds up to the point where the lad can withhold it no longer, and he let's fly with an absolute corker. This time the old man moves his seat back and looks under the table to give the dog a proper kick, saying "Get out of there you stupid dog... before he shits on you!"

 

[Coranhorn]

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Education...

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."
Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there must be some stupid students in this class!"

At this point little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"
Little Johnny replied, "Not really... I just felt bad that you were having to stand up all by yourself."

 

[Coranhorn]

The teacher said to his class one day, "Please stand up, anyone who thinks they're stupid."
Nobody stood up so the teacher said, "I'm sure there must be some stupid students in this class!"

At this point little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, "Oh Johnny! So you think you're stupid then?"
Little Johnny replied, "Not really... I just felt bad that you were having to stand up all by yourself."

I love little Johny jokes

Little Johnny was walking down the hallway at school. When he reaches his classroom he looks inside and sees a sub instead of his regular teacher. Johnny sits down and the teacher says, “Now students, my name is Ms. Prussy. Not the other word, this word has an r after the first letter.” Johnny started laughing. An hour later he forgot her name and said, “Your name has an r after the first letter -- is it Ms. Crunt?”

 

[Wkd_Macey]

Keep Fit...

Just been to the gym.
They've got a new machine, but I only used it for half an hour before I started to feel sick.
It's great though... does everything... Kit-Kat, Snickers, Mars bars, Crisps, the lot