A Joke A Day
- Thread starter Wkd_Macey
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Wkd_Macey
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Thought for the Day - MAN:
Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure.
... and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought possible,
... and help her to live without fear.
He will make her feel that she is the most beautiful woman in the room,
... and enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
NO, WAIT... SORRY...
It's WINE! I'm thinking of Wine!
It's Wine that does all that...
Sorry...
Man is a woman's best friend.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure.
... and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought possible,
... and help her to live without fear.
He will make her feel that she is the most beautiful woman in the room,
... and enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
NO, WAIT... SORRY...
It's WINE! I'm thinking of Wine!
It's Wine that does all that...
Sorry...
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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
Pantyboy74
Flirty not Dirty.
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2017
- Posts
- 11,914
The Root of Women's Problems
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist......................
And when there is real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
MEN tal illness
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist......................
And when there is real trouble, it's a HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
Wkd_Macey
Miss
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Hope someone will keep this going while I'm away 
I would never make fun of a dwarf with learning difficulties.
It's not big and it's not clever.
... I know that one isn't very PC - my sincere apologies if it offends anyone.
... If so, let me know and I'll delete it
When I have children I'd like them to have all the things I could never afford,,,
then I'll move in with them.
I would never make fun of a dwarf with learning difficulties.
It's not big and it's not clever.
... I know that one isn't very PC - my sincere apologies if it offends anyone.
... If so, let me know and I'll delete it
When I have children I'd like them to have all the things I could never afford,,,
then I'll move in with them.
Caladyinred6969
Really Experienced
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Oh so true.....
Wkd_Macey
Miss
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Welcome Back Me...
Well, I'd hoped there would be pages and pages of new jokes for me to read, but it looks like I'm on my own...
Never mind - try this one...
---------------------------------
This guy walks into a bar carrying a small suitcase, and as he walks up to the bar, the bartender asks, "What can I get for you sir." The man says, "Well what I'd really like is a pint of your best ale, but before you pour it I should warn you that I have no money."
"No money?" the bartender repeats. "Well how do you expect to pay for your drink?"
"I was hoping I could entertain you," the man replied.
"Oh yes," the bartender said sounding doubtful. "And how do you propose to do that?"
"Well," the man said, "if you can get all of your customers to put just $2 each in a jar for me, I believe I can show you something fantastic and quite unique."
"Oh really?" the bartender said, in a disbelieving tone, but he agreed to ask the rest of his customers and they all agreed to put $2 in the kitty and if they were as amazed as the man promised, they would let him keep the money and that would buy him drinks all night.
So, the bartender collected the money and the man went and sat at an empty table. Opening his suitcase he pulled out a miniature grand piano which he placed on the table. Next he pulled out a matching piano stool, placing that behind the piano. Finally, he opened a small zip compartment in the case and out climbed a tiny man dressed in a white shirt with a bow tie, and a black suit with long tails on his jacket.
Everyone was amazed as the tiny man stepped out of the case, walked across the table to the piano, flicked the tails of his jacket out behind him, sat himself down and began to play the most wonderful music.
The crowd were all thrilled, and the little man kept them entertained all evening by playing every request that anyone asked for.
The bartender too was flabbergasted. "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen. He can't be any bigger than a foot tall.
"You're right. He is exactly twelve inches tall," the man said.
"Where on earth did you find a twelve inch pianist?" the bartender asked.
"I didn't find him. He was given to me. He was more of a reward really."
"Really?" the bartender said, scratching his head in disbelief. "Who on earth would reward someone with a twelve inch pianist? Reward for what, anyway?"
"Well... it was really weird. You see, just by chance I happened to be walking along a street one day and I noticed this little old woman crossing the road. A bus came around the corner and as she began to hurry she tripped and fell. Of course I rushed out into the road, grabbed her and pulled her to the pavement to safety just in time."
"She was so grateful, she said, 'Thank you my son. You have saved my life. I must repay you for your kindness and bravery. What can I give you?' she asked me."
I told her there was nothing I needed, but I was happy to have been there to be able to help her. She told me she was a witch and could work magic. She said she wanted to reward me and would give me anything I liked. Of course I didn't believe her but she insisted she could work magic and told me to wish for anything I wanted and she would grant it.
So I thought for a few minutes, then it came to me; what would any guy want? I was being flippant really... I told her what I thought I would like, but I think she must have been a bit hard of hearing.
Well, I'd hoped there would be pages and pages of new jokes for me to read, but it looks like I'm on my own...
Never mind - try this one...
---------------------------------
This guy walks into a bar carrying a small suitcase, and as he walks up to the bar, the bartender asks, "What can I get for you sir." The man says, "Well what I'd really like is a pint of your best ale, but before you pour it I should warn you that I have no money."
"No money?" the bartender repeats. "Well how do you expect to pay for your drink?"
"I was hoping I could entertain you," the man replied.
"Oh yes," the bartender said sounding doubtful. "And how do you propose to do that?"
"Well," the man said, "if you can get all of your customers to put just $2 each in a jar for me, I believe I can show you something fantastic and quite unique."
"Oh really?" the bartender said, in a disbelieving tone, but he agreed to ask the rest of his customers and they all agreed to put $2 in the kitty and if they were as amazed as the man promised, they would let him keep the money and that would buy him drinks all night.
So, the bartender collected the money and the man went and sat at an empty table. Opening his suitcase he pulled out a miniature grand piano which he placed on the table. Next he pulled out a matching piano stool, placing that behind the piano. Finally, he opened a small zip compartment in the case and out climbed a tiny man dressed in a white shirt with a bow tie, and a black suit with long tails on his jacket.
Everyone was amazed as the tiny man stepped out of the case, walked across the table to the piano, flicked the tails of his jacket out behind him, sat himself down and began to play the most wonderful music.
The crowd were all thrilled, and the little man kept them entertained all evening by playing every request that anyone asked for.
The bartender too was flabbergasted. "That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen. He can't be any bigger than a foot tall.
"You're right. He is exactly twelve inches tall," the man said.
"Where on earth did you find a twelve inch pianist?" the bartender asked.
"I didn't find him. He was given to me. He was more of a reward really."
"Really?" the bartender said, scratching his head in disbelief. "Who on earth would reward someone with a twelve inch pianist? Reward for what, anyway?"
"Well... it was really weird. You see, just by chance I happened to be walking along a street one day and I noticed this little old woman crossing the road. A bus came around the corner and as she began to hurry she tripped and fell. Of course I rushed out into the road, grabbed her and pulled her to the pavement to safety just in time."
"She was so grateful, she said, 'Thank you my son. You have saved my life. I must repay you for your kindness and bravery. What can I give you?' she asked me."
I told her there was nothing I needed, but I was happy to have been there to be able to help her. She told me she was a witch and could work magic. She said she wanted to reward me and would give me anything I liked. Of course I didn't believe her but she insisted she could work magic and told me to wish for anything I wanted and she would grant it.
So I thought for a few minutes, then it came to me; what would any guy want? I was being flippant really... I told her what I thought I would like, but I think she must have been a bit hard of hearing.
Handy Man Type
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Likeandthey
Really Experienced
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What is the lightest object in the world? The penis, because it is the only object that can be raised by a mere thought.
Wkd_Macey
Miss
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That must be an American expression - not heard that before
My offering...
Customer: Do you have cotton wool balls?
Shopkeeper: What do you think I am? - a teddy bear?
Wkd_Macey
Miss
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A guy goes to a red light district to find a hooker.
He strikes a really cheap deal with a nice looking girl, but she tells him, "I don't have a womb"
He says that doesn't matter.
"Ok," she tells him, "I'll just lean here on the wailings."
He strikes a really cheap deal with a nice looking girl, but she tells him, "I don't have a womb"
He says that doesn't matter.
"Ok," she tells him, "I'll just lean here on the wailings."
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Wkd_Macey
Miss
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Ha Ha Ha - Love it
This doesn't even come close
A lot of the time while I was on my cruise holiday, I only drank water, and I discovered something quite amazing.
You can get drunk on water!
Yes! It's true! I was amazed.
Apparently, you can get drunk on water just as easily as you can on land.
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peterthelicker
Literotica Guru
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- Mar 27, 2009
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Profanity is the linguistic crutch of an inarticulate..... motherfucker!
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