A ? for the parents out there

[Calamity Jane]

If you have to choose between comforting a child and spending 'special' time with them, or sleeping with your husband (not having sex, just sleeping in the same bed).... which do you choose?

My 5 year old begged me to sleep in her room tonight. I hardly get to see the kids because of my work schedule, so I said I would. My husband is PISSED.

What would you do? I choose the kids 9 times out of 10 in situations like this, because he's an adult and should be able to empathize and understand that the kids NEED me and he WANTS me. Am I completely wrong?

 

[girl]

Perhaps he needs you as well.

girl

 

[alltherage]

I think daddy needs to grow up. The only concern I would have is why the child needs you to sleep in their room. If there is good reason in your mind then follow your heart. The child comes first in my book.

 

[JazzManJim]

No, PCG, you're not wrong at all.

From what you've said, he's being completely infantile about the situation.

If my son or daughter wanted my comfort for the night, I'd give it to them wholeheatedly and would expect that whoever I was with would understand enough not to gripe about it. If they did, then I"m probably not with the right person.

Then again, it's always worth working something out with your husband to be able to spend quality time with him too. It's a juggling act, I know, but it's part of the cost of keeping a relationship.

 

[Nigel]

I'm not a parent, Pagancowgirl...nor am I married - but I know how I would react in the same situation. I would kiss my wife..and hold her...and thank her for being such a wonderful mother to my children. Then I would go to bed, loving her more than I did the moment before.

Actually, I would make sure that we had a BIG ol' bed...and if the kids wanted, my wife, the kids, and myself would all cram in together and snuggle together.

In my view, Pagancowgirl, you've done nothing wrong. Sleep well tonight.

Nigel

 

[Rubyfruit]

Kids first, grownups second.

What about your needs? I guess hubby didn't bring those up? Doesn't surprise me.

Children need us. Their needs are immediate and necessary. Adults have the ability to put off our needs or fulfill them in other ways.

 

[Lusciousladyf]

I dont think that you did anything wrong at all PG!! Obviously when a child needs you...you must be there for them, especially at your child's age. You hubby should be understanding and even thankful that you care instead of dumping the child into his lap to deal with. I have read a few of your various posts (loved them btw) and I know that you arent that type of mother. You are a caring and loving mother. As long as the hubby is not continually chosen second ...then I dont see the problem.
My hubby was that way...and he now my ex-hubby I am not suggesting anything like that for you..and certainly that was not our only differences
Maybe you can make a little IOU to hubby...promising to make up for it...being detailed...and only do it for the fun...not out of guilt and certainly not rewarding him for his deplorable behavior.
Good Luck PG and great question

 

[Cheyenne]

You specifically asked for opinions from parents, so that's not me.

 

[xlc67]

Husbands come and go....kids are forever...

 

[Calamity Jane]

You specifically asked for opinions from parents, so that's not me.

Dammit! I meant "Parent's and Ms. Smartie Pants! Really. So what's your opinion Cheyenne? And anyone else who isn't blessed with munchkins... I'm hereby opening this question to EVERYONE!

And thanks to everyone who already answered. I don't know why I care, but sometimes I need reassurance that I'm not a complete bitch.

 

[Jessie]

Couldn't agree more

Everybody here is absolutely right. Who is he to make you feel like guilty for just doing your job as a mother? That's just totally wrong. How can he make you choose like that? Him, or the kids. It's just not fair. I'd seriously talk to him about this and tell him how you feel about it.

But, then again, this is just my opinion. I wish you peace of mind, whatever you may decide.

 

[Nigel]

sometimes I need reassurance that I'm not a complete bitch.

You're not a complete bitch, PCG. No way you're out of line on this one.

Nigel

 

[Rubyfruit]

You're not a complete bitch, PCG. You're a partial bitch.

Completely different animal.

 

[Texan]

I agree with

everyone else here that kids come first. I think your husband should get over it.... and he will....

As an old timer in the parenting area... here is just a thought... "your results may vary".

I like compromise. I might have suggested to the child that I would lay down with them until after they were asleep. I might then tell my spouse that I'll be in later after the little one has fallen asleep.

Who knows... it might work.

 

[Rubyfruit]

Fuck me

You're not a complete bitch, PCG. You're a partial bitch.

Completely different animal.

I was being sarcastic when the moment didn't call for it. I'm sorry, PCG.

 

[Cheyenne]

My 5 year old begged me to sleep in her room tonight. I hardly get to see the kids because of my work schedule, so I said I would. My husband is PISSED.

What would you do? I choose the kids 9 times out of 10 in situations like this, because he's an adult and should be able to empathize and understand that the kids NEED me and he WANTS me. Am I completely wrong?

Remember, you asked.

1) It sounds like you want the time with your child because you feel guilty for not seeing her due to your work schedule, not because the child really "needs" you.

2) If you meant that you choose the kids over your husband 9 times out of 10 when they ask you to sleep in their room with them, I agree with your husband. Your child has learned to manipulate you because she can. A five year old should be able to sleep alone without needing her mommy with her.

I'm not a psychologist and I don't play one on TV. But someone close to me is in a heated custody battle in a bitter divorce. One of the ongoing problems has been the bedtime routine for their child, who is a year or so younger than yours. The daddy insists on staying in the room with the child to comfort her and spend his special time with her. He has trained the child to not go to sleep when he is around unless he sits there with her. And if she cries and begs enough, she knows daddy will take her out of her bed and take her to bed with him.

Interestingly enough, when it is the mommy putting her to bed without daddy around, the child is good as gold. She knows the routine and goes to bed quietly after a bedtime story, falling asleep alone in her room with no problems.

The psychologists/counselors have said mommy is correct and daddy is wrong, that one of the most important life skills the child must learn is to comfort herself and go to sleep alone. It is a critical independence skill and daddy is doing the child no favor at all by giving in to the child's demands when he is around. He will not listen to the experts, however. This issue is actually part of the reason mommy and daddy are getting divorced and are in a custody battle.

 

[Bigdog]

I guess it depends on the context. There is quite a bit of difference between occasionally laying with your child until they go to sleep, and spending every other night (all night) with them. At some point children must learn that their parents need time alone to maintain a healthy relationship. Boundaries are not a bad thing, some things must be preserved no matter how much the kids may not like it. It's all part of the family order.

That being said, getting pissed is not the right reaction. It bears calm discussion later, when the kids are NOT around. Set some ground rules you both agree to and stick to them.

Oh yeah, I'm a stepdad to two girls. Been there, done that.

 

[Lusciousladyf]

PCG..correct if I am wrong...but I thought that your child has been sick...if so, that is a whole different reason altogether..most definitely be there at least til the child falls asleep.

My kids are never allowed into my bed...unless they are really sick...and not just a cold or such. That is a very bad habit to break.
As a Psychologist in training...maybe the issue of guilt has a bit of merit...I dont want to assume anything. But a lot of working women experience that ...and some men take advantage of that fact as well.
Whatever the case maybe for you, I dont think you are a bitch..I never judge anyone.
I wish you luck in resolving this, I am sure that you and hubby can sit down and talk about this.

 

[iceprincess]

 

[iceprincess]

 

[Cheyenne]

My husband and I have had this fight many times, and this is what it always comes down to for me. I am a wife, mother, employee, nurse, teacher, cook, maid, and all around grown woman. If I choose to spend my night in my childs bed, then that would be MY choice.

You sound a lot like the daddy in my story above. He ignored all the arguments with mommy and all the experts' advice. And he was shocked when he was served with the divorce papers. This continues to be an issue in the evaluation phase for custody of the child, too. His bedtime routine is hurting him now.

 

[kiwiwolf]

What would you do? I choose the kids 9 times out of 10 in situations like this, because he's an adult and should be able to empathize and understand that the kids NEED me and he WANTS me. Am I completely wrong?

PCG... you make the right choice. Daddy is, I presume, a big boy. Your munchkins always have to come first. You sound like a very cool mother.

 

[fallon2]

One more thought

How often are you asked to sleep with the 5 year old? WHY is the 5 year old wanting you ? Is it something that you can say to allay their fear or concern?
How about a nightlight? Made a difference years ago and might work for you. God Luck!

 

[Gilly Bean]

In this situation, I would compromise. I would tell the child that I will stay with them until he or she falls asleep, but then I would be goinig to bed in my own room. Make the child as comfortable as you can, and wait it out, then go to bed with your hubby.

 

[sch00lteacher]

Sounds like the 5 year old already knows how to push mommies buttons.

I don't mean this in a bad way. And I could give a --- about your hubbie.

But 5 year old children should not have that kind of controll over their mother. Now if this was a special occasion I could understand it. Say the 5 year old was starting school the next day, or having surgery, etc.

Other wise they need to know that mommy and daddy sleep here, in our bed, and you sleep here in your bed. I love you more than life itself, but we have rules.

Please don't kill me.