❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[cascadiabound]

#33

Kink Deal Breakers

What in a <insert your kink here> partner raises a red flag for you? What traits would be deal breakers? Has someone ever pointed out a trait in you that was a deal breaker for them?

Maybe not totally kink related, but deal breakers - people who won't share who they are. If there is not mutually shared trust and intimacy, then kink is off the table.

CNC/ rape play is a deal breaker for me. No aftercare is a deal breaker.
Insisting on being called "Sir" or "Master" or whatever without earning it. I call BS.
Making rules that are funsies for them and/ or one size fits all that have nothing to do with me. Thinking that just because I am a sub, that means I ought to be their sub.

I have been called out on not being as brutally honest with myself and them as I ought to have been. About what I need. Who I am. If I had not been able to step up to the plate on that, I am sure that would have been a deal breaker.

 

[Paul_Chance]

My deal breakers are more about general personality traits.

I definitely agree with the bat-shit crazy comment. I can live with ordinary crazy, hell I think we’ve all got some ordinary crazy ass, but just totally off-the-wall bat shit I can’t do.

I don’t do passive aggressive. I’m completely fine with strong willed and aggressive, I admire that in a person. But passive aggressive is just way too difficult to live with.

Once I’m in a relationship, I expect you to back me, support me emotionally and lift me up. If you don’t do that, then I’m gonna question why you’re in the relationship – and why am in the relationship. You got to have each other‘s back in order for a relationship to work.

And at the end of the day none of those have anything to do with sex. It’s about being human with each other.

 

[AlwaysFara]

My deal breakers are more about general personality traits.

I definitely agree with the bat-shit crazy comment. I can live with ordinary crazy, hell I think we’ve all got some ordinary crazy ass, but just totally off-the-wall bat shit I can’t do.

I don’t do passive aggressive. I’m completely fine with strong willed and aggressive, I admire that in a person. But passive aggressive is just way too difficult to live with.

Once I’m in a relationship, I expect you to back me, support me emotionally and lift me up. If you don’t do that, then I’m gonna question why you’re in the relationship – and why am in the relationship. You got to have each other‘s back in order for a relationship to work.

And at the end of the day none of those have anything to do with sex. It’s about being human with each other.

I’ve read a lot of your posts.
I think your person is lucky.

 

[cascadiabound]

This.

I always knew PA was annoying. But I never considered it a deal breaker until I began to live with snarky, cruel and underhanded comments every damn day.

Either say what you mean to say or keep your mouth shut. <end rant>

Agreed. PA and manipulative BS are red flag deal breakers.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Thank you Always Fara

Yeah, my red flag with PA behavior is the constant guessing game and the constant undercutting. I always say just spit it out. I’m a big boy. I can take it!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#33

#33

Cross Pollenating Kink

Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#33

Cross Pollenating Kink

Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel?

1. Yes, although i wouldn't use the word 'taught.' Things come up naturally during casual conversation, or spontaneously during play.

2. It depends. Sometimes yes, a certain act is so associated with a particular partner that i would have to tweak it to do it with someone else, or not do it at all. It just depends.

3. Rarely, but yes. With a great deal of diplomacy, and being very clear that their goal is my pleasure. Because I'm curious, i have sometimes asked a partner with whom i felt safe about their past experiences. Twice i have been politely denied, on the basis that they believed it would do more harm than good. Looking back, I'm grateful for their decisions. It's a very delicate balance between knowing enough to be inspired, and knowing so much that it becomes a distraction and a hindrance. For me, less is definitely more.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#33

Cross Pollenating Kink

Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel?

This is all about deep throating for me. I can’t even elaborate. It’s too intimate.

 

[AveryElle]

#33

Cross Pollenating Kink

Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel?

Interesting question...

Like Honey, most things come up spontaneously during play. I think I've been lucky in that the things I do like (pain play, mostly) have been sort of organic in becoming a thing with my longer term partners. It doesn't mean that happens ALL the time, and I don't consider those things (namely, said pain play) to be tied to any one partner or more special because it's a thing between someone and myself.

However, when I know there are things a partner is doing with someone else while also doing them with me, it makes me feel cheap (if that makes sense?). If one night, you're leaving bruises on someone else, then a few days later, it's my turn? It's a big turn off and I really don't know why. Probably because I very much do not believe I am special at all, and the things that make interactions special for me, are those types of things. Yes Im doing them with someone else (probably), but maybe it's the nature of the man choosing to do them with someone other than me as well. Maybe?

If a partner said, "I loved doing X with a past partner, we should do it," I'd probably feel shitty, at least at first. Why? Because I don't want to know sex has been better elsewhere. It may have been. Mine probably has been. But I'd rather not know that.

I'm sure this is all nonsensical!

 

[AveryElle]

It's never the same when you do it with a different person anyways. It becomes something you two share, it becomes yours no matter where the idea originally came from. I think it can be a recipe to disaster to try to replicate an exact experience with a different person. It's impossible and if you use that as a yard stick, you'll likely end up disappointed a lot of the time.

I wouldn't react well if a partner of mine were to say I'm never allowed to do X with another person ever again, or that I'm not allowed to do Y because I've enjoyed it with another partner in past. That seems petty and insecure. It's one thing for my partner to restrict how I play with other people while we are in a relationship. That I'm fine with, but someone saying something like "even after we're done, no more anal for you, missy" I really wouldn't like it. So in that sense I very much feel like once I enjoy something, it's mine to enjoy with anybody I choose.

I can definitely see these points. I think it's about KNOWING someone is thinking about another partner while then also thinking about something with me that makes me feel....gross? I don't know the best word.
Now, never being allowed to do something again is just unrealistic and petty. However, "please don't have anal with another partner while we are together" seems perfectly reasonable to me within a context of an intimate relationship. Keeping something for the two of you (3rd person, plural) is important to me. Hence when I know things are done elsewhere, it makes me feel icky.

But again, I'm fucking weird.

 

[Paul_Chance]

#33

Cross Pollenating Kink

Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feeli?

Specific Acts Introduced: oh yes, both acts and more often methods/techniques.

Certain Acts/Certain People: while in a relationship, yes, especially if agreed on. However, once the relationship is over, that prohibition is off. Personally I’m more inclined to have special places – restaurants we shared, hotels were we vacationed at, etc than acts.

Acts From Past Partners: yes, both implicitly and explicitly. I don’t know if I’m off the norm here, or if it’s a guy thing, but I really don’t see myself in competition with past lovers. I assume they’re past lovers for a reason. If the person I’m in the relationship with ultimately decides that the past person was better than the present person, me, and they want to return to them, I might be disappointed and/or sad that the relationship is ending - but if they think they will have greater satisfaction and happiness in life, then they’re actually going to leave me with my blessing and support.*

That has sparked some spectacular fights over the years. While some people react and say thank you for the love and support, I have had others segue into you never cared for me, etc.

This part is a personal kink of mine – I actually find it highly erotic when a lover tells me stories of their past sexual encounters. I’m secure in who I am so discussing past lovers/acts adds to the intimacy of the relationship.

Specific Acts/Methods Learned and Taught To Me:

It’s probably a fairly long list but I can give you specific examples of things that were taught to me that are now in my repertoire. I’m going to make that a separate post.

*It’s more in accord with my life philosophy, but I think life is one rough fucking beast. The First Noble Truth of Buddhism – all life is suffering and disappointment. We should try to treat all beings with compassion and if not, at least try not to add to their suffering.

 

[Paul_Chance]

Lessons Learned

I could go on for a long time about things that I was either taught or that I learned from previous lovers. But in the interest of a little bit of brevity let me just share the ones that pop to mind right away. They climb to the top of the list because they work, they're easy, and their fun.

Hot hands/cold hands: I learned this one from an older lover when I was in my early 20s. Basically the trick is this, as foreplay, when you're laying together and caressing each other – prior to starting either run your hands under a very hot or very cold tap. you can also use ice for the cold part. Then you caress your lover with those hot or cold hands. A lover might like hot hands or they might like cold hands, but I've never met one that didn't like the technique in one or both forms. It also works for the mouth, just be careful with the hot water.

The Other Other G Spot:

Back about 15 years ago I had a lover who’s favored act was mutual masturbation. I jokingly referred to it as my master class in clitoral geography, but I learned two techniques from her that have seen good use.

The first one is to find a point that is about a finger width over and a fingers width down. Then massage that point with slow, circular, deep pressure. If you’re trying it on someone try both sides because lol i swear women are right clitted or left clitted and it makes the difference between “meh” and “oh wow”. I’ve met a few that were “top clitted” - the is about a finger width straight up. Bonus tip, the technique and pressure points also work on a man, when combined with oral sex or hand job. It intensifies the orgasm.

The second one was when you were going down on the woman kind of angle your hand down from the top and then starting about an inch to each side of the clit, kind of press in and pinch, not hard but with a firm pressure, then rhythmically pulse that pressure, like you're squeezing the root of the clit and drawing it slightly toward you, then releasing.

Bondage Is All About Dynamic Tension: This one was explicitly taught to me when I was learning the art of bondage, as my lover had more experience than I. Whenever you bind someone, however you bind them, there is a balance point between two tight and to lose. It varies according to individuals, but if you find that sweet spot, with the dynamic tension is just right - pressure but not strain or pain - then you’re on the money. The huge advantage of finding that sweet spot is that the sub, or the masochist, can then increase or decrease the dynamic tension on their own. This allows them to vary the intensity of the bondage in accordance with their needs and what maximizes the pleasure for them.

If you haven't already, feel free to try any of these at home and let me know if they work for you.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

The first one is to find a point that is about a finger width over and a fingers width down. Then massage that point with slow, circular, deep pressure. If you’re trying it on someone try both sides because lol i swear women are right clitted or left clitted and it makes the difference between “meh” and “oh wow”. I’ve met a few that were “top clitted” - the is about a finger width straight up. Bonus tip, the technique and pressure points also work on a man, when combined with oral sex or hand job. It intensifies the orgasm.

The second one was when you were going down on the woman kind of angle your hand down from the top and then starting about an inch to each side of the clit, kind of press in and pinch, not hard but with a firm pressure, then rhythmically pulse that pressure, like you're squeezing the root of the clit and drawing it slightly toward you, then releasing.

First - True for me.

Second - I know someone who uses a squeezing technique to great effect.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#33

Cross Pollenating Kink

Have their been specific acts that were introduced to you by one partner that you enjoyed so much that you taught it to a new partner? What acts? (I'm nosey) Do you feel like certain acts belong to certain people or that once you enjoy something you should be able to enjoy it with anyone? Has a partner ever brought acts to you because they enjoyed them with a past partner? How did that make you feel?

I've been really torn on how to answer this question. It's less that there have been specific acts that I've discovered but specific things about myself. As an example, my weakness for emotional sadism and humiliation play I discovered with one partner but I don't associate that play with that guy. I think it's too broad and too wrapped up in my own feelings. Now, there was a specific form of aftercare than no one else has ever done and that I really liked. I feel like I do associate that act with that person, but who knows someone else could probably make it their own.

There is a lot of things I do connect with certain people and in a way I would feel it would be betrayal to recycle those things with someone else. Music is a huge example of that. A song for one person can't also be for another person. But sex acts? I feel like a new partner is almost transformational to the act. It can be the same act but a new partner makes is completely different. There are certain things - more emotional things that I keep for my partner (and hope he keeps for me) but it's the connection that makes the difference. A blowjob for one person becomes an act of complete worship for another.

I'm sure a partner has brought things to me from someone else. I'm not sure it's ever been explicitly stated (something that is just a little easier in a D/s dynamic). But I think I'd like to know. What was the act? What did you like about it? What made it special with them? How can I tweak it to make it special for us? I don't feel threatened so much by a partner's past. I'm far too curious for that but I think withholding something from a past partner that he really enjoyed just to keep it special for her might sting more. Which I realize makes me a complete hypocrite... hmm...

I think we all just want to feel special to our partners. Whether it's knowing everything and being a part of the fabric of their kink or choosing to not know anything and feel like the only person in their universe. Communication is key. (Tragically cliche but true)

 

[Paul_Chance]

I've been really torn on how to answer this question. It's less that there have been specific acts that I've discovered but specific things about myself. As an example, my weakness for emotional sadism and humiliation play I discovered with one partner but I don't associate that play with that guy. I think it's too broad and too wrapped up in my own feelings. Now, there was a specific form of aftercare than no one else has ever done and that I really liked. I feel like I do associate that act with that person, but who knows someone else could probably make it their own.

There is a lot of things I do connect with certain people and in a way I would feel it would be betrayal to recycle those things with someone else. Music is a huge example of that. A song for one person can't also be for another person. But sex acts? I feel like a new partner is almost transformational to the act. It can be the same act but a new partner makes is completely different. There are certain things - more emotional things that I keep for my partner (and hope he keeps for me) but it's the connection that makes the difference. A blowjob for one person becomes an act of complete worship for another.

I'm sure a partner has brought things to me from someone else. I'm not sure it's ever been explicitly stated (something that is just a little easier in a D/s dynamic). But I think I'd like to know. What was the act? What did you like about it? What made it special with them? How can I tweak it to make it special for us? I don't feel threatened so much by a partner's past. I'm far too curious for that but I think withholding something from a past partner that he really enjoyed just to keep it special for her might sting more. Which I realize makes me a complete hypocrite... hmm...

I think we all just want to feel special to our partners. Whether it's knowing everything and being a part of the fabric of their kink or choosing to not know anything and feel like the only person in their universe. Communication is key. (Tragically cliche but true)

Both verbal and non-verbal communication is the key, the golden key, to satisfying relations. I often tell people that if you want to improve your love life - stop thinking just about sex - focus on improving communication and the rest follows on its heels.

 

[Paul_Chance]

First - True for me.

Second - I know someone who uses a squeezing technique to great effect.

Thanks

it’s always amazed me how small variations in technique can make major differences in pleasure given and received. The Goldilocks Effect.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Now I wonder if I hang right or left?
It makes sense, I’ve just never thought about it.

 

[AveryElle]

Both verbal and non-verbal communication is the key, the golden key, to satisfying relations. I often tell people that if you want to improve your love life - stop thinking just about sex - focus on improving communication and the rest follows on its heels.

As someone married to an individual on the autism spectrum, I assure you communication ain’t everything when what you would consider to be as such isn’t realistic.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#33 B

Have you ever gone out of your way to learn more about a partner's specific kink? How did you go about it? What was the result (i.e. how did your partner feel about it)?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#33 B

Have you ever gone out of your way to learn more about a partner's specific kink? How did you go about it? What was the result (i.e. how did your partner feel about it)?

I've told this story before:

My ex apparently wanted anal, but his ability to communicate about it was nil. I got tired of him trying to shove his dry dick up my ass without any warning, so i consulted Google and educated myself.

Successfully adding anal to our repertoire didn't change a thing in our relationship, but i discovered a new way to enjoy sex, and all of my experiences with it since then have been good.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Dry dick anal two thumbs down

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Yes.

But proper anal, with lube and prep (fingers and/or toys) and someone who knows to be patient upon entry, and to not yank the fucker out when he's done...

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Yes.

But proper anal, with lube and prep (fingers and/or toys) and someone who knows to be patient upon entry, and to not yank the fucker out when he's done...

Amen
Sorry to go down the anal rabbit trail. Carry on.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Amen
Sorry to go down the anal rabbit trail. Carry on.

LOL!!

Other times, with other partners, it's been a matter of making the effort to bring up the subject with them, voicing my fears, allowing my partner to educate me and to share their perspective, and trusting them enough to give it a go.

Not so much going out of my way as out of my comfort zone.

What was the result? In the case of facials, it's something I'd be willing to do with them, knowing they're aware that it requires emotional prep and aftercare, and that they're happy to give me those things.