Just curious about how many married women turned sub during or after affair?

[doctorukwife]

Dear All,
I am curious about extra-marital affair and it's correlation with bringing out submissive side of woman. Recently I came across one more 'wife' who had similar kind of experience like me about being turned sub during extra-marital affair. And we both are not sub to our husbands. And we both are quite accomplished professionally.
I felt It is an interesting dynamic.
P.s. please comment about your profession too.

With love,
DocUkWife

 

[Bossybats]

Following for science!

 

[Roughscrewu]

Dear All,
I am curious about extra-marital affair and it's correlation with bringing out submissive side of woman. Recently I came across one more 'wife' who had similar kind of experience like me about being turned sub during extra-marital affair. And we both are not sub to our husbands. And we both are quite accomplished professionally.
I felt It is an interesting dynamic.
P.s. please comment about your profession too.

With love,
DocUkWife

More common than you would think.
It's an escape for wife's in a Vanilla sex life at home.

 

[doctorukwife]

More common than you would think.
It's an escape for wife's in a Vanilla sex life at home.

It might be even deeper than that. But I understand why would you think it's that simple

 

[Yarglenurp]

I don’t they think they turn sub, I think they always were sub. They were just afraid to tell their husbands, or their husbands just refused to be dominant (which I suppose is possible if unlikely).

 

[doctorukwife]

I don’t they think they turn sub, I think they always were sub. They were just afraid to tell their husbands, or their husbands just refused to be dominant (which I suppose is possible if unlikely).

My husband is not dominant and really sweet guy. Contrasting with guy I had affair with. I think you are onto something about me always being sub. Maybe this guy got that out from me which my husband couldn't.

 

[Yarglenurp]

My husband is not dominant and really sweet guy. Contrasting with guy I had affair with. I think you are onto something about me always being sub. Maybe this guy got that out from me which my husband couldn't.

Yeah, super normal. I don’t like generalizing, but I think way more women prefer being a sub or would be willing to indulge in it, but don’t like being a dom. I’ve generally also found that women, even open-minded tolerant women, have an innate disdain for “weak” men.

Honestly, it’s one reason I don’t like being a submissive. Every woman I ever dated liked being spanked, and most of them liked being tied up. None of them enjoyed, on a sexual level, tying me up or dominating me. I sort of see it as the sexual equivalent to extrovert vs introvert. An introvert can pretend to be an extrovert and vice versa, but the internal mechanisms haven’t changed, you’re just draining the emotional batteries to play the role.

Throw in the “wrongness” of having an affair (I’m not here to judge), the nature of the man you’re having an affair with (I.e., a sexually aggressive guy who is fine with breaking the rules of society on marital sanctity), and I think just put yourself into a situation where you are just free to be your natural self.

 

[doctorukwife]

Yeah, super normal. I don’t like generalizing, but I think way more women prefer being a sub or would be willing to indulge in it, but don’t like being a dom. I’ve generally also found that women, even open-minded tolerant women, have an innate disdain for “weak” men.

Honestly, it’s one reason I don’t like being a submissive. Every woman I ever dated liked being spanked, and most of them liked being tied up. None of them enjoyed, on a sexual level, tying me up or dominating me. I sort of see it as the sexual equivalent to extrovert vs introvert. An introvert can pretend to be an extrovert and vice versa, but the internal mechanisms haven’t changed, you’re just draining the emotional batteries to play the role.

Throw in the “wrongness” of having an affair (I’m not here to judge), the nature of the man you’re having an affair with (I.e., a sexually aggressive guy who is fine with breaking the rules of society on marital sanctity), and I think just put yourself into a situation where you are just free to be your natural self.

I can so relate with your analogy of draining emotional batteries to play the role. Even though during our sexual intimacy, my husband has not chosen any particular role, maybe due to our Indian cultural background. He has always been shy. I understand that some women have disdain for 'weak' man, I think my husband is sort of like that, but he is also a cute teddy who is always sweet and accommodating. Sort of guy every girl feels 'safe' with. He is loved by his co-workers, many of them are women. But I guess what you are saying, maybe women like me when it comes to sexuality need would prefer man to take charge.

 

[doctorukwife]

Yeah, super normal. I don’t like generalizing, but I think way more women prefer being a sub or would be willing to indulge in it, but don’t like being a dom. I’ve generally also found that women, even open-minded tolerant women, have an innate disdain for “weak” men.

Honestly, it’s one reason I don’t like being a submissive. Every woman I ever dated liked being spanked, and most of them liked being tied up. None of them enjoyed, on a sexual level, tying me up or dominating me. I sort of see it as the sexual equivalent to extrovert vs introvert. An introvert can pretend to be an extrovert and vice versa, but the internal mechanisms haven’t changed, you’re just draining the emotional batteries to play the role.

Throw in the “wrongness” of having an affair (I’m not here to judge), the nature of the man you’re having an affair with (I.e., a sexually aggressive guy who is fine with breaking the rules of society on marital sanctity), and I think just put yourself into a situation where you are just free to be your natural self.

Oops forgot to address 'wrongness', you are right. Even now I know it's wrong. I guess most men who have affair with married women, are dom kinds. Atleast that's stereotype in media too. Which is not wrong. To be some background, I never ever thought I would ever have affair with anyone. So, I guess he gets points to break me slowly, and so much that now I absolutely hate vanilla intimacy with husband which feels like school level romance. I have started growing physical distant from him and yet emotionally close as if using my husband as support structure after being treated as sub. He offcourse does not know this. And maybe it's defense mechanism. Was curious if other people had experienced this.

 

[Islander55]

I don’t they think they turn sub, I think they always were sub. They were just afraid to tell their husbands, or their husbands just refused to be dominant (which I suppose is possible if unlikely).

I have read a lot of posts here on Lit. I do not really think of myself as a sub but I do have that tendency at times. My husband has always been very gentle even though I have tried to hint that I would like him a bit more forceful. I have had a couple of affairs when I have been away from home. Nothing planned but just something that happened. Both times it was with a guy who was very aggressive in letting me know he wanted me. I did not have to give in to them but I wanted to and I was happy to delude myself that I had no choice. They were happy to push my boundaries and I was very content to let him use me and feel that I was doing my duty.

 

[Utmale48]

I wonder how many men didn’t realize they were a Dom before finding a sub that brought that out.

 

[Yarglenurp]

I wonder how many men didn’t realize they were a Dom before finding a sub that brought that out.

based on my completely unsubstantiated belief that most women are submissive, I think men find out if they’re dom pretty early. Classic masculine behavior also implicitly encourages dominance, just without the ropes and whips.

 

[Utmale48]

That’s a good point. Maybe it’s always been there and just not encouraged? I discovered a lot about myself during a time with someone else. Very enlightening

 

[doctorukwife]

I have read a lot of posts here on Lit. I do not really think of myself as a sub but I do have that tendency at times. My husband has always been very gentle even though I have tried to hint that I would like him a bit more forceful. I have had a couple of affairs when I have been away from home. Nothing planned but just something that happened. Both times it was with a guy who was very aggressive in letting me know he wanted me. I did not have to give in to them but I wanted to and I was happy to delude myself that I had no choice. They were happy to push my boundaries and I was very content to let him use me and feel that I was doing my duty.

That's very insightful and helpful. 'felt that I was doing my duty' resonates. I totally relate with you about husband being gentle. I have tried hinted first subtle, then being bit more direct too. He even tried, but when he tried he became laughable. It's like comedy actor trying on serious role. Maybe I have stereotyped by husband. I mean when he tried even abusing me with words, I laughed and then he laughed and then we both decided let's not try this again. He had instantly lost his hardness after I laughing, maybe he felt humiliated? Maybe he joined by laughed as defense mechanism?

Thanks for sharing. That was really useful.

 

[Islander55]

That's very insightful and helpful. 'felt that I was doing my duty' resonates. I totally relate with you about husband being gentle. I have tried hinted first subtle, then being bit more direct too. He even tried, but when he tried he became laughable. It's like comedy actor trying on serious role. Maybe I have stereotyped by husband. I mean when he tried even abusing me with words, I laughed and then he laughed and then we both decided let's not try this again. He had instantly lost his hardness after I laughing, maybe he felt humiliated? Maybe he joined by laughed as defense mechanism?

Thanks for sharing. That was really useful.

I think it is hard for some guys to be aggressive if that is not their nature. My husband tried but it just did not seem right and like you we gave up on it. Fortunately for me about 5 years ago we agreed to allowing other partners. I have been able to find several that do it just about the way I like it and it comes naturally to them.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Someone should start a club for submissive men to learn how to be aggressive in the bedroom. Or maybe just try testosterone to see if it increases “alpha male”-ness.

 

[doctorukwife]

I highly doubt it would work on my husband.

Someone should start a club for submissive men to learn how to be aggressive in the bedroom. Or maybe just try testosterone to see if it increases “alpha male”-ness.

I highly doubt it would work on my husband. Also, he thinks of me as someone who he needs to take care of, protect, love. It's difficult for him to summon that aggression towards me. Would to hear Islander55's thoughts too.

 

[doctorukwife]

Some women were directly messaging me. So I guess the post has stirred up nostalgia. If the same traction continues we might have statistically significant results
However, it does seem that I have made an error in hypothesis thinking only 'professional' women are prone to this. To my surprise homemaker wives were also equally prone to this submissiveness with their lovers than their husbands.

 

[Strixaluco]

I haven't had affairs - but a series of men in my life. I wasn't submissive to my first 3 long-term partners, but my current partner has been my Dom from the beginning.

It's about what kind of men they are. To submit means you need to trust him enough in many ways. Not only that he respects your boundaries, but also that he will not cross them by mistake. And if I am to hand over the reigns, I actually also need to be able to trust that I will get some enjoyment, too... I for example may become totally unable to speak, so if I'm bound up, I need to be able to trust that he will recognise if I'm even wet enough. That has not been the case with all my partners.

So while I have had mostly good men in my life, none could I trust like my Dom in all ways. And some had no single dominant bone in them. Some who had, were not trustworthy... (those I didn't see long term)

I'd suspect that women may choose a different kind of man for an affair than what they had chosen for their partner in life when they are young. My first partner (10 years together) was definitely the least dominating of all, even possibly unknowingly submissive himself now that I look back. No wonder it didn't last.

 

[doctorukwife]

I haven't had affairs - but a series of men in my life. I wasn't submissive to my first 3 long-term partners, but my current partner has been my Dom from the beginning.

It's about what kind of men they are. To submit means you need to trust him enough in many ways. Not only that he respects your boundaries, but also that he will not cross them by mistake. And if I am to hand over the reigns, I actually also need to be able to trust that I will get some enjoyment, too... I for example may become totally unable to speak, so if I'm bound up, I need to be able to trust that he will recognise if I'm even wet enough. That has not been the case with all my partners.

So while I have had mostly good men in my life, none could I trust like my Dom in all ways. And some had no single dominant bone in them. Some who had, were not trustworthy... (those I didn't see long term)

I'd suspect that women may choose a different kind of man for an affair than what they had chosen for their partner in life when they are young. My first partner (10 years together) was definitely the least dominating of all, even possibly unknowingly submissive himself now that I look back. No wonder it didn't last.

You have articulated this so well. But I disagree on trust thing. The guy I had affair with, I don't trust him the way I trust my husband. I guess it's different when you are in relationship vs when you are cheating. There is sense of surrender or letting one's perfect world burn in those moments. I think you are lucky that you have found your dom in right way so to speak.
I also found it's quite interesting that your first long term was bit leaning towards sub. Certainly the case with my husband. I think time does play important function in this.

 

[Strixaluco]

You have articulated this so well. But I disagree on trust thing. The guy I had affair with, I don't trust him the way I trust my husband. I guess it's different when you are in relationship vs when you are cheating. There is sense of surrender or letting one's perfect world burn in those moments. I think you are lucky that you have found your dom in right way so to speak.
I also found it's quite interesting that your first long term was bit leaning towards sub. Certainly the case with my husband. I think time does play important function in this.

There are so many aspects of trust. I wouldn't assume someone trusting an affair partner in some things that are critical in a marriage.

But do you trust that you will not need to interfere with what he's doing? Before my current partner I had only ever had ONE partner I felt I could give full reigns in that sense. Unfortunately he wasn't dominating, but for a long time he was my measuring stick because of that.

And naturally that domination part is necessary too. You won't feel like submitting if the other one isn't dominating. But if the dominating one doesn't feel safe enough, you will hardly feel like submitting either.

 

[doctorukwife]

There are so many aspects of trust. I wouldn't assume someone trusting an affair partner in some things that are critical in a marriage.

But do you trust that you will not need to interfere with what he's doing? Before my current partner I had only ever had ONE partner I felt I could give full reigns in that sense. Unfortunately he wasn't dominating, but for a long time he was my measuring stick because of that.

And naturally that domination part is necessary too. You won't feel like submitting if the other one isn't dominating. But if the dominating one doesn't feel safe enough, you will hardly feel like submitting either.

I think there is a cultural difference here. I assume you are white and grown up in west. I am Indian and grown up in conservative family. So 'unsafe' was kind of turned on once I knew he has me. It was as if even he would have hurt me, I would not have mind. It was moment of weakness, surrender but importantly letting go of my control of being 'safe'. And he did cross many limits which I would have reservations even with my loving husbands. He introduced me to hard core without any consent or anything, I know it was wrong from his part and communication is key as mentioned in many BDSM books I read later on but to be frank, had he communicated, I wouldn't have said yes to any, not even to soft BDSM. There is aspect of sensory overwhelming. I guess he was taking risk too, I mean I could easily had pressed assault charges as consent in first time was bit gray. Would love if someone could write about their first encounters and consent in such things. Especially when you are totally new.

 

[Strixaluco]

I think there is a cultural difference here. I assume you are white and grown up in west. I am Indian and grown up in conservative family. So 'unsafe' was kind of turned on once I knew he has me. It was as if even he would have hurt me, I would not have mind. It was moment of weakness, surrender but importantly letting go of my control of being 'safe'. And he did cross many limits which I would have reservations even with my loving husbands. He introduced me to hard core without any consent or anything, I know it was wrong from his part and communication is key as mentioned in many BDSM books I read later on but to be frank, had he communicated, I wouldn't have said yes to any, not even to soft BDSM. There is aspect of sensory overwhelming. I guess he was taking risk too, I mean I could easily had pressed assault charges as consent in first time was bit gray. Would love if someone could write about their first encounters and consent in such things. Especially when you are totally new.

Sounds like for you it might work to *make* you submit.

It does work to some, but not to all. I know such people in my culture as well. Consensual non-consent is for a minority within a minority though. (And some of them actually say that they are treating their trauma that way, after being violated.) The majority of subs submit either willingly to whoever they choose, or not at all.

 

[doctorukwife]

Sounds like for you it might work to *make* you submit.

It does work to some, but not to all. I know such people in my culture as well. Consensual non-consent is for a minority within a minority though. (And some of them actually say that they are treating their trauma that way, after being violated.) The majority of subs submit either willingly to whoever they choose, or not at all.

you mean they vocalize it to on first encounter itself. Makes sense. I for one was not aware of this spectrum of hardcore. He is friends with myself and my husband so there was undercurrent of profound betrayal too. It was very confusing moment. After first session, I was more active participant. Even when I think retrospectively, I do not think I would had guts to ask him be dominant on first encounter itself. And to be frank, his dominance is what attracted me to him on first place.

 

[stxjimmy]

You have articulated this so well. But I disagree on trust thing. The guy I had affair with, I don't trust him the way I trust my husband. I guess it's different when you are in relationship vs when you are cheating. There is sense of surrender or letting one's perfect world burn in those moments. I think you are lucky that you have found your dom in right way so to speak.
I also found it's quite interesting that your first long term was bit leaning towards sub. Certainly the case with my husband. I think time does play important function in this.

Sounds like a conflict between safety and security on the one hand and excitement on the other.
And that as we age with a partner we do so at times at different rates without particularly noticing.