Thoughts on monogamy in today's world?

[Hipshot1554]

When I started this thread it wasn't supposed to be about cheating. There are other avenues of non-monogamy.

 

[SamScribble]

From Collins’ English Dictionary: Old English wedlāc, from wedd pledge + -lāc, suffix denoting activity, perhaps from lāc game, battle (related to Gothic laiks dance, Old Norse leikr)

An activity in which one makes a pledge, it would seem.
[/I][/INDENT]

I seem to recall that Peter Cook (or was it Dudley Moore) said that wedlock was 'a most terrifying thing: a cross between a steam engine and a padlock'.

 

[AnnyMouse28]

Monogamy as in only ever having one partner, in your entire life, not so realistic.

Serial monogamy. Where you are only with one person at a time. Definitely realistic.

Any partner I am with, I expect to be monogamous, while we are together.

 

[jehoram]

Monogamy as in only ever having one partner, in your entire life, not so realistic.

Serial monogamy. Where you are only with one person at a time. Definitely realistic.

Any partner I am with, I expect to be monogamous, while we are together.

If he asked you for permission to have a fleeting relationship with somebody else, I expect you would say "no."

I'm a serial monogamist myself, but if my wife told me she had in interest in fucking somebody else, I would tell her to go ahead, but to be absolutely honest with me if she wanted to make a deeper commitment to him. I don't see that I have the right to set limits to her life if she can still keep the relationship I have with her intact.

Similarly, in the very unlikely event that I was seduced by another woman, I would hope that she would give me a pass on that as long as we could still keep our marriage as it was.

 

[AnnyMouse28]

If he asked you for permission to have a fleeting relationship with somebody else, I expect you would say "no." .

Correct. I do not feel there should be sex or as you put it "relationships" outside of a committed relationship.

 

[magic_rat]

When I started this thread it wasn't supposed to be about cheating. There are other avenues of non-monogamy.

Indeed, I'm in an Ethical Non Monogamy relationship with 2 women currently. Friends of ours are poly.

Monogamy suits some people, but there are alternatives and none of them require cheating, just a lot of honesty.

 

[ericalauren]

Serial monogamy has always confused me.

 

[Britva415]

For 2020, CDC reported a marriage rate of 5.1 per 1000 total population, and divorce rate of 2.3 per 1000. The U.S. state/territory with the highest divorce rate was Arkansas, 10.7%. Still shy of 75%

I'm not saying 75% is the right number, but:

Nobody pretends that 750 of every 1000 people get divorced every year.

Talk about apples and oranges. Sheesh.

What it purports to represent is that 75% of all marriages end in divorce. That's way way different than saying 75% of all people get divorced every year.

 

[Britva415]

For 2020, CDC reported a marriage rate of 5.1 per 1000 total population, and divorce rate of 2.3 per 1000

Doesn't that work out to a ratio of 45% of divorces to marriages in 2020?

I know, it doesn't say anything about how many of 2020's marriages will end in divorce, but it suggests that your "state with highest divorce rate" figure of 10.7% isn't measuring the same thing as other figures being discussed.

Anyway, to the OP:

is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

First of all, you position this as if "modernity" is somehow plodding toward obsolescence of marriage and monogamy, but apparently divorce rates in the USA have been falling for decades:
https://www.insider.com/what-is-the-divorce-rate-2017-2

Second of all, ideal for who? There are always going to be many people who say YES.

Are they wrong just because there will be others who say No?

 

[Trubbycat]

I had a conversation once with my wife where I felt that Disney movies and Hollywood in general created this false expectation that one perfect someone could totally fulfill you. It wasn't totally about sex but more about this fantasy that people live by that seems to blow up in their faces when their partners may make a friend of the opposite sex or even same sex. It just doesn't seem realistic to me, and this is before we even get to monogamy.

 

[Bramblethorn]

That's not a real statistic. This and what some other posters are saying sound like a joke between married couples with some resentment issues to work through.

In 2020, marriages and divorces were falling, but marriages per person have always been higher. 1970 was the worst year for the United States. For 2020, CDC reported a marriage rate of 5.1 per 1000 total population, and divorce rate of 2.3 per 1000. The U.S. state/territory with the highest divorce rate was Arkansas, 10.7%. Still shy of 75%, but yeah, significant. Lowest was Maine, 4.8%.

BTW, there's a trap for the unwary in these numbers.

If one were to divide that "divorce rate of 2.3 per 1k" by "marriage rate of 5.1 per 1k" you'd find that for 2020, the number of divorces was 45.1% the number of marriages. From there, it seems obvious to conclude that "45% of marriages end in divorce", but that would be a mistake, because the couples getting married in 2020 aren't the same ones getting divorced in 2020. The 2020 divorce numbers will reflect the higher marriage rates of earlier years.

One that might be a bit more intuitive: in that same year, about 3.6 million babies were born in the USA, and 3.45 million people died. So the number dying was about 96% of the number being born - but that doesn't mean 4% of Americans are immortal. Just means that deaths lag behind births.

 

[Lady2020]

I like monogamy. Unfortunately, most people going into a relationship don't understand the rules of engagement or understand their sexuality.

 

[Rob_Royale]

My wife and I decided 31 years ago that "you are all I want", and it's worked for us. If anything else works for you, rock on.

 

[IrisAlthea]

If one were to divide that "divorce rate of 2.3 per 1k" by "marriage rate of 5.1 per 1k" you'd find that for 2020, the number of divorces was 45.1% the number of marriages. From there, it seems obvious to conclude that "45% of marriages end in divorce", but that would be a mistake, because the couples getting married in 2020 aren't the same ones getting divorced in 2020. The 2020 divorce numbers will reflect the higher marriage rates of earlier years.

Yes, something people tend to miss a lot, whatever the context.

In the case of marriage statistics, I find it weird when people cite them as if they were predictors for any specific relationship.
When it comes to traffic accidents, people tend to think that it is never going to happen to them.

I like monogamy. Unfortunately, most people going into a relationship don't understand the rules of engagement or understand their sexuality.

Or perhaps they think there are some universal rules of engagement, rather than actually talking about it with their would be partner?
Because it is easy to think that you are on the same page and that you mean the same thing, when you talk about monogamy (or poly for that matter) and then it turns out that just a little difference in view on the topic, turns into a pitfall.

 

[magic_rat]

My wife and I decided 31 years ago that "you are all I want", and it's worked for us. If anything else works for you, rock on.

Amen to that. There is no 'one size fits all' solution.

Monogamy doesn't suit me. Nor does it suit my current partner. We both swing, as a couple and as individuals. We're poly-friendly; not in poly relationships currently, but are open to it. I think that may be something I need in my life. But for every successful poly relationship there are probably 20 fucked-up ones. it's not a panacea. It's rarer for people to slot together neatly and they have the same issues that mono people have, and more.

I also have to have an eye on the future, though. I'm 61 and my partner is 39. She is a multiple-orgasmic sex machine. Recently a hung swing friend and I spent 5 hours trying to fuk her to a standstill and we both tapped out before she did.

In 10 years time it may be necessary for me to become monogamous; I would still not deny her the pleasures of swinging or a poly partner, though. That way her needs continue to be taken care of even if I'm unable to do so.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I’m happy to be in a monogamous relationship. Me and my wife are very close actually closer after almost 30 years.

 

[hopeful_wife]

Or perhaps they think there are some universal rules of engagement, rather than actually talking about it with their would be partner?

And sometimes they say what their partner wants to hear, thinking it's helpful or kind... What they're really doing is undermining trust and setting themselves up for fights, resentment, and possible cheating/ break-up.

 

[Bbl87]

I think monogamy is still a fine goal, and would be my ideal situation. However, I am in a relationship where my partner does not seem to care about my sexual happiness (as part of the whole of being satisfied in our marriage) as much as I care about her happiness in general. I've gotten to a point where, if she'd allow it, I'd be for an open marriage or swinging in a heartbeat.

I still love her to death, but I need a vibrant sexual relationship and going on 10 years of marriage, she has been unwilling to have that with me. I say unwilling rather than unable because we did have a solid sex life pre-marriage, but once the ring was on (like, literally, had sex all of 3 times on a 12 day honeymoon) things shut down, figuratively.

 

[IrisAlthea]

And sometimes they say what their partner wants to hear, thinking it's helpful or kind... What they're really doing is undermining trust and setting themselves up for fights, resentment, and possible cheating/ break-up.

Yes, putting ”nice” and conflict avoidance above honesty is often mistaken for kindness.

 

[Goldenfinger]

i Think people are afraid of being alone so the settle for the partner they have instead of risking being along and trying to find a more suitable partner.

 

[NikiVien]

As singles we can and do have sex with people based purely on attraction, and I'm sure often times, with the barest amount of attraction. So love doesn't really play any part in one's 'normal' sex life.

And yet, once coupled or married sex is rigidly tied to love and in (it seems) most people's minds they can't be separated.

If the two people within the relationship are secure and bonded they can, within a certain agreed framework, also enjoy sex outside of love which can in turn enhance the relationship.

In my opinion, people need new, exciting and shared experiences to keep the relationship from turning stale, and since I turned forty, bungee jumping seems to have lost its appeal

 

[Goldenfinger]

As singles we can and do have sex with people based purely on attraction, and I'm sure often times, with the barest amount of attraction. So love doesn't really play any part in one's 'normal' sex life.

And yet, once coupled or married sex is rigidly tied to love and in (it seems) most people's minds they can't be separated.

If the two people within the relationship are secure and bonded they can, within a certain agreed framework, also enjoy sex outside of love which can in turn enhance the relationship.

In my opinion, people need new, exciting and shared experiences to keep the relationship from turning stale, and since I turned forty, bungee jumping seems to have lost its appeal

People get confused with emotions. Some see sex and love as the same. I’ve had a few girls tell me that they loved me either during or immediately after sex. I still gave them my hat tho.

 

[NikiVien]

Take the bungee off!

I much prefer exci

People get confused with emotions. Some see sex and love as the same. I’ve had a few girls tell me that they loved me either during or immediately after sex. I still gave them my hat tho.

Yes, I think they do. The euphoric stage is easily found and lost, so shouldn't really be considered love in the true sense of the word.

Kind of you to have given them your hat though

 

[Goldenfinger]

I much prefer exci

Yes, I think they do. The euphoric stage is easily found and lost, so shouldn't really be considered love in the true sense of the word.

Kind of you to have given them your hat though

I’ve been asked so I’ll answer. I was in the navy and theres a thing with women sleeping with you for your hat.

 

[IttyBittyLulu]

I’ve always been monogamous. The thought of sharing my partner or having him share me. Honestly makes me feel uncomfortable and queasy. What’s attractive to me is the fact that my man only wants me. Our chemistry is unmatchable, our passion for each other burns brighter than the sun, our loyalty to each other is rare. I just want to marry my man and stay married. When I’m in love and committed I don’t stray away. I will follow him until the end of time because he has my heart and he holds it just right.