Thoughts on monogamy in today's world?

[Hipshot1554]

This seems to be a viable topic that I've seen mentioned in passing on a few threads. I wanted to open a discussion and see what opinions you all may have.

I have come to believe it is something that came about through necessity. Given the divorce rate is now above 75%, is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

 

[Fingerfuxs]

First thought that comes to mind , is its over rated and doesn't hold the value that most vanilla people give it , in the social contract aspect that we have with each other.

Second thought , it breaks up marriages ......aka cheaters are cheaters are cheaters

Third thought, to each their own tho. If you believe in it , so be it. Just don't judge non cheaters , non mongomous folks as deviants or immoral.

Lastly ......swingles aka single people that dabble in the swinger scene aka online can be cheaters , it's frustrating weeding them out at times.

Team FF

 

[AlexBailey]

This seems to be a viable topic that I've seen mentioned in passing on a few threads. I wanted to open a discussion and see what opinions you all may have.

I have come to believe it is something that came about through necessity. Given the divorce rate is now above 75%, is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

My wife just came back to bed and told me, "Ninety-two percent of open marriages end in divorce ..."

Thankfully I reconsidered before answering, "Yeah? Well 100% of monogamous marriages end in death."

 

[Hipshot1554]

I want replies. Both pro and con. I'm not advocating anything.

 

[Scareltt]

The Wild Oats Project...

You should read “The Wild Oats Project” by Robin Rinaldi or watch any of her interviews..

 

[Fingerfuxs]

I want replies. Both pro and con. I'm not advocating anything.

Triad and poly couples in their world are monogamous to each other. Successful in the choice, married swinger couples that agree to a small group of vetted couples only are mongomous to the group.

A commitment is a commitment , mongamy is at it's root about commitment. It's the literal meaning of the word that opens the door to burning people at the stake and demonizing.

The knee jerk answer that those folks in up divorcing is out dated. Honesty is the best policy , but the least respected vanilla word in a vanilla setting.

Closet married bi people will relate to that statment mostly.

 

[jehoram]

One argument for monogamy is that it can keep people from bringing home genital nasties.

But as a rule, I think that monogamy is just one end of a spectrum that may include monogamy, polyamory, open marriages, swinging, and FWB, with chastity at the other end. Like all spectra, the labels don't mean much, since they define specific points on that spectrum that probably don't apply exactly to the particular situation at hand.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Not denying the existence of and maybe actual increase in plural marriages, open marriages, etc. Still, one-boy-plus-one-girl is by far the most common relationship model is virtually every place on the planet and sexual exclusivity very much a core value.

True, divorce is generally easier now and the legal/societal penalties for divorce or infidelity are much less than they once were. And it is acknowledged that a formal marriage ceremony is much less common. But none of that changes the popularity of the basic model.

Few couples, regardless of the presence or absence of a marriage licence, enter a relationship with a set time limit, suggesting that the hope and intent is that it will last forever. Perhaps we just don’t try as hard now and fewer are locked into terrible relationships.

And people getting out of a failed relationship very commonly eventually enter another one - ‘serial monogamy’ perhaps., but still monogamy.

It’s worth noting that the vow ‘until death do you part’ was written at a time when death was ending most marriages quite early. Women died in childbirth on a regular basis - and married women were generally pregnant a lot. Men died of wounds and injuries; both sexes died young of disease. It was quite common for people to have buried three or four spouses.

Monogamy, regardless of outliers and fantasies, is still a very big thing.

 

[AlexBailey]

Monogamy can be tough for bisexuals.

 

[Jamie_and_Lisa]

I want replies. Both pro and con. I'm not advocating anything.

We have been exclusive for 50 years and counting, coming together in high school. Between November and March almost 51 years ago. The guys -- Paul and George -- had to spend 3 months in basic training and 13 months in Vietnam. We told them to do ANYTHING they needed to do get back to us. The five of us gals -- Kristin, Eva, Lisa, Jamie, and Lillian -- played with each other in their absence and prayed for their safe return. We are polyamorous but not open.

We extended an invitation to two others when they returned from his military service in Germany but, they had already formed a monogamous pairing, and stated a concern that our group dynamics worked against longevity. Their concerns were not necessary but they have done alright for themselves. Their pairing has lasted 49 years and counting.

Lisa's father, Gabe, was in high school when the Germans started bombing London. Judith, who eleven years later would give birth to her third son -- Paul, the future father of Lisa's sons -- met a young pilot, David, who was attending college in San Antonio. Back then Air Corp pilots had a quaint custom -- a sort of "really whole-life coverage," they shared mates and promised to ALWAYS care for the mate of a fallen comrade --.

Judith was invited to one of their swingers' parties on Lackland Field. She was hesitant. David said Gabe could come along so that Judith would "feel safe," the three of them joined and were part of a group that varied in size. Judith was exclusive with David for a time after he got orders for England in February 1941.

Gabe got drafted and received orders for Massachusetts, having to report literally within a week of graduating from high school. Judith and Gabe spent three weeks together as lovers Then Gabe spent four years walking across North Africa, Sicily, Italy, France, and Germany to finally arrive in Austria. David slept in a tent in England before and after being shot at in the daylight over Germany.

Of their group, David had left first and he returned before the others, he and Judith got married and settled down near Gabe's parent's house. Gabe came back and married the 18-year-old sister of one of their group, Lisa's mom Katherine. The group in San Antonio had been young pilots except for Gabe -- who got drafted into the infantry before he ever had the chance to go to flight school --. Before the war there were a couple more guys than gals in the group -- but several of those young men never made it back to Texas.

Families were bigger back then, especially in the country. People were busy, transportation more difficult than it is today, it was easy to have relatives you didn't know well or at all. Growing up Lisa was often babysat by her Aunt Anne or Aunt Carol. Half of the time it was one of them watching her, Paul, and their combined four siblings at Paul's house while his parents were at her house. The other half of the time they were at Lisa's house and all the parents were at Paul's.

When she was ****, and dating Paul, Judith took Lisa aside and told her the story we just related adding that Anne and Carol were not actually Lisa's aunts -- which we knew -- but rather her lovers -- and Gabe's, Katharine's, and Steve's lovers -- from San Antonio. Anne and Carol were originally brought into the group by two fine young men who died flying B-17s over Germany.

Lisa and Jamie -- Jamie had moved in when they were thirteen -- already knew that Katherine and Gabe were great parents, they were suddenly very cool parents as well.

 

[Jamie_and_Lisa]

One argument for monogamy is that it can keep people from bringing home genital nasties.

Not to be rude but you are confusing monogamy and exclusivity. If you belong to an exclusive group of 43 lovers, and none of them have anything nasty, then you won't catch what they don't have. You won't get any sleep either, but who cares? You will be a smiling zombie.

 

[Jamie_and_Lisa]

Not denying the existence of and maybe actual increase in plural marriages, open marriages, etc. Still, one-boy-plus-one-girl is by far the most common relationship model...

Followed closely by one man and multiple women if we are talking about "stable" relationships.

 

[Hipshot1554]

"Serial monogamy". That's a concept I hadn't considered. Although it does sound like a rationalization.

One man/one woman for an unspecified period of time.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

"Serial monogamy". That's a concept I hadn't considered. Although it does sound like a rationalization.

One man/one woman for an unspecified period of time.

The term was, I think, coined years ago by Hollywood columnists. It was at the time hard to get a divorce. Only the rich could afford it, with movie stars being in the spotlight - Zsa Zsa Gabor was married nine times, Elizabeth Taylor eight. Like tossing an old purse and getting a new one.

 

[Jada59]

Having one mate for life *is* monogamy, but it's not the only form of monogamy.

I'm in a private women's group and we are encouraged to date several men at once unless/until we get a commitment from one of them.

I don't like dating more than one man at a time, although a I did find myself in a pickle somewhat recently when I went back and forth between two guys. Although both said they were okay with it, they really weren't.

I think fewer people are getting married these days. I discovered that marriage did not afford me the protection I thought it did. I think the only benefit (at least in this country) is that one might get insurance through their spouse's employer.

At this point in my life, I don't want to get married. But if at some point, I find a guy that I want to grow old with, and marriage is important to him, I might consider it.

I do want a long term relationship. But how long is long term. A year? Three years? I'm not sure. I just don't like playing the field and having to learn stuff about multiple guys. Too tiring and not rewarding.

I have a guy now. I actually told him that he was not giving me all that I wanted/needed. Yes. the sex was good, but that was it. So if a more suitable guy came along, I would move on.

He said he was okay with that.

And then? He stepped up to the plate and gave me everything I wanted. But.... Will it last? That remains to be seen.

Due to this pandemic, I am not free to date new people or really date at all as not much is open. Due to the fires on the West Coast, I am trapped in my house. So... I am not looking for other guys. But that's me.

These days, there's no reason to stay in a marriage. If a woman has a child out of wedlock, nobody bats an eye. If a woman (or a man) is being abused, it might be hard for them to leave, but if they do leave, there is no longer the stigma that there used to be.

 

[jehoram]

If a woman has a child out of wedlock

Wedlock. That's an interesting word, ain't it? For people who see marriage as a sort of prison, in sounds remarkably appropriate.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Wedlock. That's an interesting word, ain't it? For people who see marriage as a sort of prison, in sounds remarkably appropriate.

From Collins’ English Dictionary: Old English wedlāc, from wedd pledge + -lāc, suffix denoting activity, perhaps from lāc game, battle (related to Gothic laiks dance, Old Norse leikr)

An activity in which one makes a pledge, it would seem.

But on a more humorous note:

There was an old man from Lyme
Who married three girls at a time.
When asked why the third,
He said, “One’s absurd!
“And bigamy, sir, is a crime.”​

 

[LottaLix]

Overrated and outdated.

However my other half swears by it.

 

[Fingerfuxs]

True nudist and their holier than thou ........monogamous sermons are interesting , if you have ever meet the type before

It's next level hypocrisy

 

[jehoram]

"Serial monogamy". That's a concept I hadn't considered. Although it does sound like a rationalization.

One man/one woman for an unspecified period of time.

I think I'm a serial monogamist. I've been in serious relationships with five women, but consecutively, not concurrently. That may have been happenstance, though. (And that doesn't mean that either I or the partner didn't stray once in a while, although it was understood that such behavior wouldn't torpedo the relationship per se.)

 

[Fingerfuxs]

I think I'm a serial monogamist. I've been in serious relationships with five women, but consecutively, not concurrently. That may have been happenstance, though. (And that doesn't mean that either I or the partner didn't stray once in a while, although it was understood that such behavior wouldn't torpedo the relationship per se.)

To use a baseball term ......designated hitters are in play in your scenario

When hitting some ex sex that's a coined phrase called sneaky puss.

 

[kissedcherry]

"Todays world"

The human craving for sex and for sexual variety is timeless. It is not about the social twists and turns of a time period. For a marriage to last love needs to last.

People can love a mate but still enjoy a lot of sexual variety. But if either the male or female are jealous then it is the jealousy that makes it toxic.

 

[Hipshot1554]

There are some that theorize that we have an evolutionary predisposition to have sex with more than one. I believe there is truth in that.

 

[xhxhxh]

i lean this way, biologically speaking. I'm not sure true monogamy is a viable option. heres a question: how many species are known to mate with only one other being?

 

[NG1274]

I have come to believe it is something that came about through necessity. Given the divorce rate is now above 75%, is the idea of having one mate for life still the ideal goal?

Previous data suggested the divorce rate was dropping, though my quick search didn't yield any stats more recent than 2018. The pandemic and lockdown certainly caused divorce/separation to spike, but where did you get the 75% figure? I'd like to read more about that.