❓ PLP Inquires❓

[Dribble]

This is a question that came to me when I couldn't sleep at 3am and my mind wandered down those dark paths that only appear when no one with sense is awake.

The idea of compliments being genuine and being able to accept them as intended is interesting. And probably deserves a question all to itself. I rarely "believe" compliments unless they are specific to a circumstance or I know and trust the person giving it. There is a major difference between a compliment and flattery. What you get on Lit is mostly flattery and that's nice and definitely has a place.

What was crossing my mind was something slightly different. There is a community thing that I was involved in with teenagers (this is also something that happens at work), that I had to step away from. When I directed this activity I always was careful not to make a big deal of how much time and effort things took and to direct all the praise towards the students. Now that I'm not involved it seems like the new directors didn't really anticipate the amount of work and seem to think these students are somehow defective. I feel like if I had made a slightly bigger deal of how much sweat equity went into it, they would have been more prepared and my kids wouldn't be getting short changed.

At work, I quietly work hard and handle problems without making a big deal of much but then, my achievements just become expectations and there's no way to make my boss understand that I'm going above and beyond. I'm actually awful at talking myself up - I was born with a genetic deficiency in tooting my own horn. It's literally impossible.

Clearly a sex site isn't the best place to vent this or worry but I really don't have a place that's not connected to the wider situation. Thanks for listening to whoever is unlucky enough tto have finished this!! I own you.

I am not sure humility is the word I would choose here. We do things like this...and freely give our time...out of love and respect. Maybe it is humility for not letting others know how much effort it takes? But anyone with a brain that is in a leadership role should know this. They shouldn't need to be told. Things...take time...sometimes a lot of time. My first wife is an elementary school teacher. She easily puts in 12 to 14 hrs each day...for over 25 years now. She does it, for her kids...not the awards she wins from the district, or state, or even the feds. Not everyone is willing to put in that effort. Is it nice to be recognized? Sure. And I am sure it builds the ego. But humility here is not letting it go to your head...or not judging others for not doing it as well as you. It isn't the fact you did it and gave up that much time. At least that isn't how I think of humility.

I am very open about my recovery from addiction. Humility to me, is how I don't judge anyone. I am no different than an addict on the street. Blood...bones...flesh...feelings...i am not better than they are. I am just in a different place in life.

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

Is it bad that I chuckled at your joke?

no. you should always laugh at my jokes, damn it

No. Of course if that's your experience, share away.

I just didn't want to make it a men v women thing and I was letting myself get there. That's all

excellent

The biggest issue with too much humility, supported by not only my experience but vast amounts of evidence, is women in the workforce. My experience may be biased, maybe men just don't confess this sort of issue to me. I am also a woman in tech, many of my friends are too. We are often an awkward people, INTJ chicks, just saying.

We have mentioned women take compliments poorly. 2/3rd of women are embarrassed by compliments. It is even worse around people. Personally, It makes me nervous, less confident, I am prone to breaking eye contact, deflecting, downplaying, joking, ok and my hair is my shield of invisibility, and I am not alone (well except the hair thing). It takes a lot for me to not. Many women I know admit similar. HR actually has lessons for women on how to accept compliments on their work. I shit you not. It is part of the courses they offer for women on performance reviews. They are basically trying to teach us how to not get weird, just say thank you, then stop. I find it really hard. We have to write our own reviews then the supervisors rework them. It is horrid. I know the men aren't fans, but it doesn't appear to be the battle that it is for us, and we had the performance review course.

Women earn less than our counterparts. It is a fact. Do we really believe the whole reason woman are paid less than our male counterparts is we are less valued? It might be a small piece of it, especially decades ago, but I don't find it true anymore. The glaring issue now is we usually don't negotiate salary well, or at all. As a whole, we can't toot our own horn. Most men can actually negotiate their salary without serious discomfort, but only a fraction of women try. HR has a course for women on how to negotiate with HR and supervisors lol. The most interesting thing about the course, in role plays, they had us switch from negotiating for ourselves, to negotiating for a partner. We were all solid negotiating for someone else. We could not fight for ourselves, even in just role play, we couldn't play up our talents and skills without severe discomfort, avoidance, downplaying, mitigating, but had no issue doing it for a coworker, and did it well. I have always negotiated, but it is quite a battle in my head, and I have spent years.

Applying for positions or promotions. Most men will toss their hat in the ring if they meet like half the required criteria. Most women will not apply unless they meet 100%. Better qualified women aren't applying for positions because they don't think they can sell themselves in the interview, so they are given to lesser qualified men. Our HR now comes and pushes us to apply for positions they believe we are qualified for. If there is a reason you don't want to apply, don't try to hide behind claiming not qualified, they negotiate better.

Companies want to be diversified. My company wants to be diversified. There is clearly a humility problem when major companies identify it as the most significant barrier in increasing their diversity to include women, and need to create programs to assist with the issue. The real ass kicker, it ties in to your question from yesterday. I have asked myself that question many times, many ways, discussed with others, ripped it apart, I could right pages on it, and I come to the same conclusion ever time. My fundamental issue and frustration with filtering our thoughts and words, is for most people, our filters are broken in so many ways, as such, they do more damage to ourselves and the people around us than if we just turned them off. They are flawed from the ground up. I do think women tend to have more broken and kinked filters, I am amazed men understand us. This is a prime example. In the end, in order to fix their diversity issue, they are just trying to teach us a new filter that performs validation of our other filter because it incorrectly tells us saying positive things about ourselves is not nice to others and to stop. In order to filter correctly, we need filters to correct our filters, and we still are often incorrect. Insane, but they aren't wrong, I concluded this decades ago, it is still frustrating.

 

[Paul_Chance]

09.08.20

Is there such a thing as being too humble? What are the drawbacks of humility?

Yes, there is. I think a lot of people have touched on them in the conversations that went before me.

I'd summarize them like this - here are the drawbacks of being too humble.

1. In the personal sphere you do not get to live the personal life you would like to live. You're constantly "settling" for a lower expectations having already lowered your expectations.

2. In the professional sphere you're also experiencing the same thing - you are constantly lowering your expectations - whether it's how you're treated, how much you're paid, what benefits you get, or whether or not you get that promotion you deserve.

I'm an advocate of expectation integration in both spheres of life. You will not reach your expectations until you express them to people so they can make the appropriate decisions - whether to say "no" or "yes". People who are naturally your allies will not be able to come to your aid because they do not know what you want, so they have no way of helping you.

 

[Dribble]

no. you should always laugh at my jokes, damn it



excellent

The biggest issue with too much humility, supported by not only my experience but vast amounts of evidence, is women in the workforce. My experience may be biased, maybe men just don't confess this sort of issue to me. I am also a woman in tech, many of my friends are too. We are often an awkward people, INTJ chicks, just saying.

We have mentioned women take compliments poorly. 2/3rd of women are embarrassed by compliments. It is even worse around people. Personally, It makes me nervous, less confident, I am prone to breaking eye contact, deflecting, downplaying, joking, ok and my hair is my shield of invisibility, and I am not alone (well except the hair thing). It takes a lot for me to not. Many women I know admit similar. HR actually has lessons for women on how to accept compliments on their work. I shit you not. It is part of the courses they offer for women on performance reviews. They are basically trying to teach us how to not get weird, just say thank you, then stop. I find it really hard. We have to write our own reviews then the supervisors rework them. It is horrid. I know the men aren't fans, but it doesn't appear to be the battle that it is for us, and we had the performance review course.

Women earn less than our counterparts. It is a fact. Do we really believe the whole reason woman are paid less than our male counterparts is we are less valued? It might be a small piece of it, especially decades ago, but I don't find it true anymore. The glaring issue now is we usually don't negotiate salary well, or at all. As a whole, we can't toot our own horn. Most men can actually negotiate their salary without serious discomfort, but only a fraction of women try. HR has a course for women on how to negotiate with HR and supervisors lol. The most interesting thing about the course, in role plays, they had us switch from negotiating for ourselves, to negotiating for a partner. We were all solid negotiating for someone else. We could not fight for ourselves, even in just role play, we couldn't play up our talents and skills without severe discomfort, avoidance, downplaying, mitigating, but had no issue doing it for a coworker, and did it well. I have always negotiated, but it is quite a battle in my head, and I have spent years.

Applying for positions or promotions. Most men will toss their hat in the ring if they meet like half the required criteria. Most women will not apply unless they meet 100%. Better qualified women aren't applying for positions because they don't think they can sell themselves in the interview, so they are given to lesser qualified men. Our HR now comes and pushes us to apply for positions they believe we are qualified for. If there is a reason you don't want to apply, don't try to hide behind claiming not qualified, they negotiate better.

Companies want to be diversified. My company wants to be diversified. There is clearly a humility problem when major companies identify it as the most significant barrier in increasing their diversity to include women, and need to create programs to assist with the issue. The real ass kicker, it ties in to your question from yesterday. I have asked myself that question many times, many ways, discussed with others, ripped it apart, I could right pages on it, and I come to the same conclusion ever time. My fundamental issue and frustration with filtering our thoughts and words, is for most people, our filters are broken in so many ways, as such, they do more damage to ourselves and the people around us than if we just turned them off. They are flawed from the ground up. I do think women tend to have more broken and kinked filters, I am amazed men understand us. This is a prime example. In the end, in order to fix their diversity issue, they are just trying to teach us a new filter that performs validation of our other filter because it incorrectly tells us saying positive things about ourselves is not nice to others and to stop. In order to filter correctly, we need filters to correct our filters, and we still are often incorrect. Insane, but they aren't wrong, I concluded this decades ago, it is still frustrating.

I understood this. I commend you for trying to put this in words. Difficult subject to be sure.

 

[Dirt_in_the_Ground]

no. you should always laugh at my jokes, damn it



excellent

The biggest issue with too much humility, supported by not only my experience but vast amounts of evidence, is women in the workforce. My experience may be biased, maybe men just don't confess this sort of issue to me. I am also a woman in tech, many of my friends are too. We are often an awkward people, INTJ chicks, just saying.

We have mentioned women take compliments poorly. 2/3rd of women are embarrassed by compliments. It is even worse around people. Personally, It makes me nervous, less confident, I am prone to breaking eye contact, deflecting, downplaying, joking, ok and my hair is my shield of invisibility, and I am not alone (well except the hair thing). It takes a lot for me to not. Many women I know admit similar. HR actually has lessons for women on how to accept compliments on their work. I shit you not. It is part of the courses they offer for women on performance reviews. They are basically trying to teach us how to not get weird, just say thank you, then stop. I find it really hard. We have to write our own reviews then the supervisors rework them. It is horrid. I know the men aren't fans, but it doesn't appear to be the battle that it is for us, and we had the performance review course.

Women earn less than our counterparts. It is a fact. Do we really believe the whole reason woman are paid less than our male counterparts is we are less valued? It might be a small piece of it, especially decades ago, but I don't find it true anymore. The glaring issue now is we usually don't negotiate salary well, or at all. As a whole, we can't toot our own horn. Most men can actually negotiate their salary without serious discomfort, but only a fraction of women try. HR has a course for women on how to negotiate with HR and supervisors lol. The most interesting thing about the course, in role plays, they had us switch from negotiating for ourselves, to negotiating for a partner. We were all solid negotiating for someone else. We could not fight for ourselves, even in just role play, we couldn't play up our talents and skills without severe discomfort, avoidance, downplaying, mitigating, but had no issue doing it for a coworker, and did it well. I have always negotiated, but it is quite a battle in my head, and I have spent years.

Applying for positions or promotions. Most men will toss their hat in the ring if they meet like half the required criteria. Most women will not apply unless they meet 100%. Better qualified women aren't applying for positions because they don't think they can sell themselves in the interview, so they are given to lesser qualified men. Our HR now comes and pushes us to apply for positions they believe we are qualified for. If there is a reason you don't want to apply, don't try to hide behind claiming not qualified, they negotiate better.

Companies want to be diversified. My company wants to be diversified. There is clearly a humility problem when major companies identify it as the most significant barrier in increasing their diversity to include women, and need to create programs to assist with the issue. The real ass kicker, it ties in to your question from yesterday. I have asked myself that question many times, many ways, discussed with others, ripped it apart, I could right pages on it, and I come to the same conclusion ever time. My fundamental issue and frustration with filtering our thoughts and words, is for most people, our filters are broken in so many ways, as such, they do more damage to ourselves and the people around us than if we just turned them off. They are flawed from the ground up. I do think women tend to have more broken and kinked filters, I am amazed men understand us. This is a prime example. In the end, in order to fix their diversity issue, they are just trying to teach us a new filter that performs validation of our other filter because it incorrectly tells us saying positive things about ourselves is not nice to others and to stop. In order to filter correctly, we need filters to correct our filters, and we still are often incorrect. Insane, but they aren't wrong, I concluded this decades ago, it is still frustrating.

My big takeaway from this is that, apparently, I am a woman.

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

I understood this. I commend you for trying to put this in words. Difficult subject to be sure.

Thank you. Even I sometimes get lucky and make sense once a while. (oh the irony )

My big takeaway from this is that, apparently, I am a woman.

Well, the chick card does come with this really awesome multi-orgasmic feature, you should so check that out, seriously.

In all seriousness, I don't doubt that, everyone is different. I am sure that many men not only disagreed with the "male" side, but some may have even related to me. I just could not find a way to sensibly articulate my personal explanation as to the problems I see in being too humble, in a way that was separate from gender, because identifying these problems was based on corporations trying to fix their huge gender gap issue and my experiences were because I am the targeted gender.

 

[Dirt_in_the_Ground]

Well, the chick card does come with this really awesome multi-orgasmic feature, you should so check that out, seriously.

In all seriousness, I don't doubt that, everyone is different. I am sure that many men not only disagreed with the "male" side, but some may have even related to me. I just could not find a way to sensibly articulate my personal explanation as to the problems I see in being too humble, in a way that was separate from gender, because identifying these problems was based on corporations trying to fix their huge gender gap issue and my experiences were because I am the targeted gender.

Oh, I am multi-orgasmic, but I've had a string of lousy partners. Always giving me some shit about not having all day. Whatever.

 

[inkandiridiumnibs]

Looks at both subjects, has a lot to say, opens mouth, inserts foot and chews

 

[newrandomperson]

09.08.20

Is there such a thing as being too humble? What are the drawbacks of humility?

I thought before I would respond to any others I would give a response first. I could never do credit to the breadth and range of responses that touch on so many things so I will try and put my own spin on things first before working down.

I think there is a balancing act for humility in terms of keeping your own achievements and self-perception in check while also acknowledging the good actions and aspects of the person you are. Go too far one way and you will never be able to acknowledge the good that you have achieved and the joy that you bring. Go too far the other and you can become boisterous, belligerent and so full of oneself that it can spill over into appearing unempathetic.

There are tons of factors that can come into this from upbringing to relationships to times in work or education. And even then having these experiences does not mean that the result will always be the same of course, I am trying not to brush too largely and too broadly because the world we live in does not create consistent normalities when it comes to feelings.

What I do know for me is that I struggle to accept the idea that I am good at things or that I look good in general. So my humility is skewed in the sense that I rarely think I am great at much and when I get told that I have done something well my brain sees that as just what I should be doing normally. I struggle in work reviews because instead of bigging myself up I simply see myself as doing my job, because thats what I am paid to do. In relationships I have become much better at being less humble at taking compliments and acknowledging them with happiness and gratitude. Not to the stage where i go out and say I look fantastic to anyone, but enough to let the person I am with know that I have heard them, that I appreciate what they have said and that I believe them when they say it.

I can trace this all back to my childhood for the most part. I do not think any of my success were overtly acknowledged and my mother, love her as I do, was always more likely to tell me what I had done wrong rather than celebrate what I had done right. Plus kids were arseholes to be honest.

This. I can explain away any compliment. Accepting them has never been my strong suit, and I’ve dealt with issues surrounding a lack of self worth for much of my life. Something I have forced myself to start doing is only saying “thank you” when I’m complimented. Nothing more or less. It honors the person who has blessed me with the words while also forcing me to accept them in the spirit in which they were given without explaining them away or making some kind of joke about it.

I think this is exactly where I am. I still struggle with the concept of self worth, of acknowledging that I am capable of doing something well or being successful, but the older I have gotten the more I have tried to be respectful of those giving me the positive feedback and warmly accepting of it in the nature it was intended.

This is a question that came to me when I couldn't sleep at 3am and my mind wandered down those dark paths that only appear when no one with sense is awake.

The idea of compliments being genuine and being able to accept them as intended is interesting. And probably deserves a question all to itself. I rarely "believe" compliments unless they are specific to a circumstance or I know and trust the person giving it. There is a major difference between a compliment and flattery. What you get on Lit is mostly flattery and that's nice and definitely has a place.

What was crossing my mind was something slightly different. There is a community thing that I was involved in with teenagers (this is also something that happens at work), that I had to step away from. When I directed this activity I always was careful not to make a big deal of how much time and effort things took and to direct all the praise towards the students. Now that I'm not involved it seems like the new directors didn't really anticipate the amount of work and seem to think these students are somehow defective. I feel like if I had made a slightly bigger deal of how much sweat equity went into it, they would have been more prepared and my kids wouldn't be getting short changed.

At work, I quietly work hard and handle problems without making a big deal of much but then, my achievements just become expectations and there's no way to make my boss understand that I'm going above and beyond. I'm actually awful at talking myself up - I was born with a genetic deficiency in tooting my own horn. It's literally impossible.

Clearly a sex site isn't the best place to vent this or worry but I really don't have a place that's not connected to the wider situation. Thanks for listening to whoever is unlucky enough tto have finished this!! I own you.

I think this shines a light on one of the other aspects that humility can bring in the sense that by doing what would be seen as the good thing, by being more selfless in so many ways, in a respect being so humble about what you have achieved it can become easier for us to be taken advantage of. My apologies if you did not quite mean it in that sense, reading it struck a chord in the sense that we can sometimes do a whole load of selfless work because we enjoy it or view it as valuable but struggle to be able to say I did that and I did it well.

I agree with you, SB.
Furthermore, I think whether you think you deserve those compliments or not, learn to accept them. It is a kind of gift. It's a nice thing. Just accept it and enjoy.

After all, when you make a gift or pay a compliment to somebody else it gives you pleasure and joy. Making other feels good it makes you feel good in return, so why not the other way around? Just take a deep breath, smile and receive graciously. It is a love language and it does wonders to your positive energy. Personally, I find that very attractive and it also helps in a relationship.

Certainly the older I have gotten the more I think this statement is absolutely the way to go.

I didn’t mean from partners. I think in relation to what pulpy wrote, I meant professionally. Men are conditioned to accept praise at work, which is part of why they make more money. Whereas women are more likely just to take on the additional tasks - especially the emotionally laborious ones (like Office birthdays...what men are organizing and planning those?!). Those tasks are less likely to be complimented and part of a financial incentive unlike areas men handle. Whether it’s our fault or not, this is just something I’ve always thought about in relation to my own work and my own work ethic. I was once asked to plan an office baby shower for a coworkers wife. Nope. No man would be asked to do that nor would it be on my performance review. Fuck that.

I just wanted to second this, I found it fascinating that when there was a female member in our team this seemed to occur much more often and when she left it basically stopped. I once asked the team if we had gotten a card for a leaving team member not long after she started a new job and all my male colleagues looked at me with mild confusion. Cue a quick trip to the shops a a card purchase by me and a quick whip round. The fact you were asked to plan a baby shower I find incredibly rude of them to do and incredibly assumptive.

no. you should always laugh at my jokes, damn it



excellent

The biggest issue with too much humility, supported by not only my experience but vast amounts of evidence, is women in the workforce. My experience may be biased, maybe men just don't confess this sort of issue to me. I am also a woman in tech, many of my friends are too. We are often an awkward people, INTJ chicks, just saying.

We have mentioned women take compliments poorly. 2/3rd of women are embarrassed by compliments. It is even worse around people. Personally, It makes me nervous, less confident, I am prone to breaking eye contact, deflecting, downplaying, joking, ok and my hair is my shield of invisibility, and I am not alone (well except the hair thing). It takes a lot for me to not. Many women I know admit similar. HR actually has lessons for women on how to accept compliments on their work. I shit you not. It is part of the courses they offer for women on performance reviews. They are basically trying to teach us how to not get weird, just say thank you, then stop. I find it really hard. We have to write our own reviews then the supervisors rework them. It is horrid. I know the men aren't fans, but it doesn't appear to be the battle that it is for us, and we had the performance review course.

Women earn less than our counterparts. It is a fact. Do we really believe the whole reason woman are paid less than our male counterparts is we are less valued? It might be a small piece of it, especially decades ago, but I don't find it true anymore. The glaring issue now is we usually don't negotiate salary well, or at all. As a whole, we can't toot our own horn. Most men can actually negotiate their salary without serious discomfort, but only a fraction of women try. HR has a course for women on how to negotiate with HR and supervisors lol. The most interesting thing about the course, in role plays, they had us switch from negotiating for ourselves, to negotiating for a partner. We were all solid negotiating for someone else. We could not fight for ourselves, even in just role play, we couldn't play up our talents and skills without severe discomfort, avoidance, downplaying, mitigating, but had no issue doing it for a coworker, and did it well. I have always negotiated, but it is quite a battle in my head, and I have spent years.

Applying for positions or promotions. Most men will toss their hat in the ring if they meet like half the required criteria. Most women will not apply unless they meet 100%. Better qualified women aren't applying for positions because they don't think they can sell themselves in the interview, so they are given to lesser qualified men. Our HR now comes and pushes us to apply for positions they believe we are qualified for. If there is a reason you don't want to apply, don't try to hide behind claiming not qualified, they negotiate better.

Companies want to be diversified. My company wants to be diversified. There is clearly a humility problem when major companies identify it as the most significant barrier in increasing their diversity to include women, and need to create programs to assist with the issue. The real ass kicker, it ties in to your question from yesterday. I have asked myself that question many times, many ways, discussed with others, ripped it apart, I could right pages on it, and I come to the same conclusion ever time. My fundamental issue and frustration with filtering our thoughts and words, is for most people, our filters are broken in so many ways, as such, they do more damage to ourselves and the people around us than if we just turned them off. They are flawed from the ground up. I do think women tend to have more broken and kinked filters, I am amazed men understand us. This is a prime example. In the end, in order to fix their diversity issue, they are just trying to teach us a new filter that performs validation of our other filter because it incorrectly tells us saying positive things about ourselves is not nice to others and to stop. In order to filter correctly, we need filters to correct our filters, and we still are often incorrect. Insane, but they aren't wrong, I concluded this decades ago, it is still frustrating.

I just wanted to say I also get what you are saying and you have captured it really well.

 

[TheOriginalSA]

Being humble is overrated, it takes away from the most important love we have, self love. Nothing wrong with being proud of yourself, knowing you are an important to your environment and are valuable to the world. I think we're taught to come down to other's insecurities, don't brag too much, someone feelings might get hurt. I say " Fuck That", I know I am the shit and if someone has an issue with it, I have the confidence to be okay with not being liked.

 

[QuietCanadian]

Being humble and/or having excess humility doesn't equate to not understanding your self worth or not advocating for yourself. You can cheer yourself on and be your own biggest fan while being "too" humble. The most humble very well could be their own biggest fans. I don't believe it means you can't take a compliment or you miss out on the joy of one either. Nor do I believe it directly relates to being passed over at work or prevents you from excelling, humility is a wonderful trait for a leader and has been shown to result in an increased morale and will ethic of a team. I also don't believe one is being humble to be liked. It could be that the most humble are the most self actualized and their goals are not tied to job titles and money (which is a whole different conversation).

Could you be too humble? Sure, in the sense you can be too much of anything (kind, sweet, rich, etc). Is it a bad thing to be too much of? Probably not, but it depends on the individual and how they internalize a great many things. Reminds me a bit of nice people finish last... Maybe, but maybe they aren't even in the same race.

 

[tnman03]

Here's my end take on this humbleness thing. Being humble doesn't mean being meek nor does it mean that you're a pushover or don't know your own self-worth. Just be yourself, treat others with some simple human decency, and don't let the ugliness of jealousy or envy corrupt your soul. Find your balance and learn to be honest with your feelings. Everything else is just gravy if others dislike you then so be it. Learn to recognize toxic people and keep them out of your life. Happiness isn't found, its nurtured and developed. So less fretting and more keeping on keeping on.

 

[Mother_Theresa]

I've got more humble and humility than all of you put together AND I got sainthood going for me. Take that, Bitches

 

[Dirt_in_the_Ground]

I've got more humble and humility than all of you put together AND I got sainthood going for me. Take that, Bitches

Har! I read the Hitchens book. I know what a twisted old cunt you are!

 

[Orchidea73]

Har! I read the Hitchens book. I know what a twisted old cunt you are!

Oh boy. Hitchens really went for her. LOL
Miss him.

 

[Dirt_in_the_Ground]

Oh boy. Hitchens really went for her. LOL
Miss him.

Me, too. He wasn't always right, but he was never boring. I can think of no higher compliment.

 

[Orchidea73]

Me, too. He wasn't always right, but he was never boring. I can think of no higher compliment.

I agree on both accounts.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

09.29.20

Hello friends!!

So the question today is about defenses. How would you classify your defense/self protection level? Are you automatically defensive in an argument? How guarded are you with new people and for how long? Is letting your defenses down something you strive for or are you happy behind a wall?

 

[Fingerfuxs]

09.29.20

Hello friends!!

So the question today is about defenses. How would you classify your defense/self protection level? Are you automatically defensive in an argument? How guarded are you with new people and for how long? Is letting your defenses down something you strive for or are you happy behind a wall?

Over time and the Before social media verses post social media world we live in.

It's a knee jerk world in the here and now. Post social media , maybe because we *read conversations more then we have them. Interpretation of what is typed is left up in the air , there's no body language or expressions to consider. Also in threads sometimes * some folks think that everything they post is read by everyone on the board ...lol....that can lead to , * knee jerk reactions or mis interpretation and chaos spread among different threads..... In reality snarky comments are more often then not never seen by the snark-ee posted by the snark-or and its all just dumb shit to begin with.

Living in the here and now , having learned from the pre-social media world " stupid is what stupid does " then caring in over into the post social media world we plead ignorance to to having defenses up in the first place. What's that ?

Rumors , hearsay , judging people by the company the keep * that's kinda dumb on a board , in the real world it has merit.

Engaging with lurkers should be everyone's goal , it's not easy to be a active poster , try to be interesting , or just plain normal on any board. Isn't it called a * online persona ? It's not real until U let it be real in your head. U have all the power. Boards aren't dear diaries , those are personal.

We give the benefit of doubt , until proved different.

Team FF


Cool thread btw way , we enjoy reading in it.

 

[hotwords229_A]

Am I defensive? What the hell is that supposed to mean!

Actually, not really. I think I try to approach defensive situations as if I’m being hit by a wave. I can stand firm and get knocked on my ass or just go limp and let the wave pass right under me. It doesn’t always work, but I try.

I also think people who are defensive tend to be a bit suspect. For example, if I were to ask “Hey, did you poop on the living room floor?” and you simply said “no” I would assume you were being honest.

On the other hand, if you replied “What? Me? No way! What? Why are you asking me? How come you didn’t ask anyone else? This is a conspiracy I tells ya!” etc. then I would think it was probably you.

 

[Daisy_Love]

I don’t see myself as a defensive person the high majority of the time. I’m a pretty open, friendly person and I enjoy talking with people. But like SN and Indie I definitely have walls and it takes a lot to infiltrate them. Not from any previous negative experience’s but I’m just a pretty cynical person, I like to call it realistic

I do not like arguments, I’d rather discuss and listen to others point of view, then respond. But if I’m heightened and it’s something I feel strongly about I will stand my ground and that wall will come right up. I don’t lose my temper often but it’s not a pretty sight when I do. So I try really hard not get to that stage.

And yes, it’s great to see you back PLP

 

[TheOriginalSA]

Nice to see you posting

I attack and get cold, after I might give another chance, but I'm more guarded.


As far as defensive in a discussion, depending on who it is and their intent

 

[Justadesperatewifeandmom]

09.29.20

Hello friends!!

So the question today is about defenses. How would you classify your defense/self protection level? Are you automatically defensive in an argument? How guarded are you with new people and for how long? Is letting your defenses down something you strive for or are you happy behind a wall?

Happy to see you back.

My defense/protection level is highly varied. No, I am not defensive in an argument. I tend to lean to facts. Now, how guarded I am with new people depends on many factors, and in some ways I am very trusting, in others there is a fence, with barbed wire, a moat with alligators, and guard dogs. I often will demonstrate a level of confidence with someone that others would see as careless or reckless, yet keep something that seems very trivial incredibly close to the vest with people I have been close to for a decade. There are always reasons. I consider how this is most likely to work out based on what I know, what are the most positive outcomes, what are the most negative, how beneficial are the positives, how severe is the negative, how can I mitigate the negative successfully should it occur. I will take huge leaps of faith or have a suit of armor based on that specific situation and the above criteria. I am happy with my wall. I wouldn't mind living in a perfect world where everything is always the best thing it can be for everyone, and no one needs to think about a thing, but that isn't real. I am sure my wall could use some modifications on both sides, and if I see something isn't working, I correct it. It is fluid. It has gates that I open and close when I decide to, using the information I have to the best of my ability. It is the most functional and adaptable wall I can have.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

09.29.20

Hello friends!!

So the question today is about defenses. How would you classify your defense/self protection level? Are you automatically defensive in an argument? How guarded are you with new people and for how long? Is letting your defenses down something you strive for or are you happy behind a wall?

Hello! What a lovely surprise to see you!


'Good fences make good neighbors.'

I am pro-fence, with a gate that opens on my side only, until there is overwhelming evidence to justify anything different.
I've learned that walls help keep me healthy, and decrease the amount of bullshit I have to deal with. Otherwise, I'd be inclined to let everyone in willy-nilly, because I'm naturally v. open.

As far as being defensive in conversation, I try to step away when I sense those feelings coming on, until I can process them and approach the situation more objectively. Sometimes it's not worth the effort, though, and I decide to just let that shit go.

How guarded I am with new people depends on context. I can usually get a pretty good feel for things early on, and if any red flags go up, I'm headed for the door. Over time, my default setting with new acquaintances has gone from yes to no. It's definitely been something I've had to work at, but I'm glad I made that choice.

 

[QuietCanadian]

09.29.20

Hello friends!!

So the question today is about defenses. How would you classify your defense/self protection level? Are you automatically defensive in an argument? How guarded are you with new people and for how long? Is letting your defenses down something you strive for or are you happy behind a wall?

I'm not automatically defensive in an argument, I tend to not get to deep into them. Discussing things with people who can discuss the same things is great and I love that, but I don't love the discussions that are just an argument for the sake of being on a side. So I guess my defense is to steer clear if it devolves or I can see it is.

I used to be really guarded. High alert, all the time. I'm less so know, but I find it difficult. Letting that guard down makes you more vulnerable and that means you're probably going to get your ass kicked sometimes. That's not super fun but I'm striving for it regardless. There's probably a fine line, especially here, but it's something I think is worth trying. Jury's still out, however, but it's about progress. Justa called it fluid, I like that. That's really what's it's about, figuring out what works.