Twist a wish

[TarnishedPenny]

Ouch.

What's your wish?

 

[GuessImJamie]

Ouch.

What's your wish?

taint it?

***

I be a wishing there was less of that irony stuff around here.
__________________
Jamie's

 

[BelleCanzuto]

I be a wishing there was less of that irony stuff around here.
__________________
Jamie's

As you ask, so shall it be. No more irony stuff around here. In fact, nothing that needs ironing, no clothes at all. Because of the previous work of the genie, we're all back in the Garden, clothed only in our innocence. In fact, none of us know how we got here, or what most of these dangling bits are for. It's a good thing we all live to such Old Testament old ages. cuz we're not making any new people.

Plus, it's kinda boring.
Hey, what's that shiny fruit hangin' offa that tree?


~~~~~
I wish the "assemblers" in William Gibson's novel Peripheral were real things, so they could disassemble all my dust bunnies and turn them into a sexy naked man-bot.

 

[GuessImJamie]

As you ask, so shall it be. No more irony stuff around here. In fact, nothing that needs ironing, no clothes at all. Because of the previous work of the genie, we're all back in the Garden, clothed only in our innocence. In fact, none of us know how we got here, or what most of these dangling bits are for. It's a good thing we all live to such Old Testament old ages. cuz we're not making any new people.

Plus, it's kinda boring.
Hey, what's that shiny fruit hangin' offa that tree?


~~~~~
I wish the "assemblers" in William Gibson's novel Peripheral were real things, so they could disassemble all my dust bunnies and turn them into a sexy naked man-bot.

Poof!

They were not, but the Genie wiggled her nose and "The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation," a Dougas Adam's - HGG Company TM.

Designed built and delivered a few of them within the hour.

There was not time to test them out, but based on 32 YELP! reviews they should work every bit as well as Marvin, Happy People Lifts, thier automatic doors, area ventilation systems, and the Nutrimatic Drinks Dispenser.

MANufactured by the By-products of Designer People Division (which wasn't doing anything when you made your wish), these hastilly designed and produced Pseudo-Gibsonesque Designer Dust Bunny Assemblers utilized surplus BPDP personalities for your order. Well, not a dozen different personalities, a dozen copies of "the man babbling gently about a shining city on a hill."

Well he WAS a movie star, or at least an actor...

Oh, and they are all completely in love with each other, and hearing the sound of thier own voices.

Yep, you got gabby, geriatric, gay, Gippers, a great, googleldy, gaggle of them.

---

I wish the Arlo Guthrie "un-neutron bomb" were a real thing ("nothing but naked people everywhere")

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish the Arlo Guthrie "un-neutron bomb" were a real thing ("nothing but naked people everywhere")

And... It happens. Everyone is now naked. No clothes anywhere. You spin on your toes in the kitchen, excited at the freedom you feel. Your extended family comes in, wondering about the mystical change. Caught up in your enthusiasm, you all race outside to enjoy the day.

It's zero. It's cold in any temperature scale. A storm has hit the whole continent that makes Sandy look like a snowball fight.

There's an old Aussie saying - "Cold enough to freeze your bits off."
We can hear the clatter of falling knobs and nipples from here...

******

I wish I can finally kill and dispose of that bloody bone that's strangling the conifers.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I can finally kill and dispose of that bloody bone that's strangling the conifers.

Here ya go! One surplus M9 flamethrower, capable of pushing half a dozen gouts of napalm out to 50m. Here, hold my tea and watch this...

See? the bone is gone gone gone now.

Oh. I see. You wanted to keep the trees...

+++++

I wish I could sleep the night through.

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish I could sleep the night through.

Poof!

Now you can, our quite literal Persian Princess in the Pink Pantaloons gives you a copy of "Ye old Farmers Alminac" as a Guide as well. It is important that you rigorously consult it since you now fall into a deep slumber at the precise printed "sunset" time and awake refreshed at the precice printed "sunrise" time each day regardless of where you are and what you are doing.

You consider the certainty of actually getting that much needed shut-eye a fair trade-off for the regimentation magically imposed.

You happilly hand your significant other the alminac and explain its significance. But they point out the printing on the inside cover.

"Ye Ole Farmers Alminac
Translated from the Norweigan by Ole Guffavsven"

Then they pull up "Hammerfest" the city of publication on Wikipedia and hand you thier smartphone...

"The "midnight sun" is above the horizon from 14 May to 31 July (79 days), and the period with continuous daylight lasts a bit longer, polar night from 23 November to 19 January (59 days)."

---

I wish I were smart enough to figure out how to ethically justify my decision (and finance it). To amass a collection of old airplanes as a charitable endeavor that I just happen to really, really enjoy. Spending all my non sex, meal and sleeping time with (and I want several that have real galleys and beds. Maybe just that Catalina, I can bathe in the Caribbean.)

 

[Rustyoznail]

Here ya go! One surplus M9 flamethrower, capable of pushing half a dozen gouts of napalm out to 50m. Here, hold my tea and watch this...

See? the bone is gone gone gone now.

Oh. I see. You wanted to keep the trees...

Side wish... FFS! I wish autocratic got someone of the world’s correct...

VINE, NOT BONE!!!

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Side wish... FFS! I wish autocratic got someone of the world’s correct...

VINE, NOT BONE!!!

I wondered, but Strine has enough weird words that it seemed silly to call it.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

Side wish... FFS! I wish autocratic got someone of the world’s correct...

VINE, NOT BONE!!!

I wondered, but Strine has enough weird words that it seemed silly to call it.

Same here.

 

[GuessImJamie]

Same here.

Thought it was Aussie Slang..

For fun I have considered just sending text out the way Otto Spelczek edits it. But then nobody could comprehend it. (For instance in above sentence it changed slang to sling, did it again slang must not be in its 250 word vocabulary. Vocabulary wasn't in there either (vocal).)

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Side wish... FFS! I wish autocratic got someone of the world’s correct...

VINE, NOT BONE!!!

Yer in luck. Venus is pretty much correct and, while Jupiter is a bit wonky and Pluto is off sulking, Mars is working correctly, too.

***

I wish I didn’t have to go shopping now.

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish I didn’t have to go shopping now.

Poof!

You don't, now the boxes from DelivReeDawtKomm with all of your favorite stuff come right to your door.

63 times today alone.

The garage, basement, neighbors garage and basement were filled last week.

And in spite of your phone calls and texts they keep coming.

You can't hire a solicitor to sort it out, all of your accounts are currently Waaaaay overdrawn.

The bank says they will refund the charges if you fill out this little 3 page form. One per charge. There were 154 yesterday.

And the boxes keep coming.

And coming.

----

I wish a multi-billionaire in poor health with a "thing" for lady pilots would create a charity to fly handsome young, but legal aged men to remote islands in the Caribbean to "unwind." And hire me to fly them in my Catalina (that the charity gave me US $395,000 to buy).

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wondered, but Strine has enough weird words that it seemed silly to call it.

We're strange, but not that strange.

And yes EB, I know, you do get Yankee tourist bones in gum trees but not in conifers.

 

[GuessImJamie]

We're strange, but not that strange.

And yes EB, I know, you do get Yankee tourist bones in gum trees but not in conifers.

A sunbather who narrowly avoided being hit by the frozen corpse of a stowaway that fell out of a Kenya Airways plane and into his London garden is too traumatized to return home, according to a report.

- New York Daily News 7/2/19

It gets really cold at 50,000 feet and ther isnt much oxygen to breathe. Stowing away is a wheel well is a definite no-frills one-way trip. If nobody knew you fell, and you fell into woods rather than a suburban back yard, I guess your bones might later be incinerated by an Army surplus flamethrower...

 

[NotWise]

I wish my amaryllis bulb would start growing again.

The genie is confused. He tilts his head to study the bulb and wonders if it's had the necessary 8-10 weeks of dry dormancy, then he shrugs. He can't even tell whether it's a Hippeastrum or a true African Amaryllis. It isn't his field, so he calls in his buddy, the Agricultural genie, who owes him a favor.

It's no problem for the Agricultural genie,and POOF! the bulb starts to grow. Of course, being the Agricultural genie instead of the Horticultural genie he is more accustomed to grandiose wishes like "I wish to feed all my people so none shall go hungry," and he assumes that's what RubenR wants as well.

Now everywhere RubenR goes, Amaryllis grow around him. There are Amaryllis for everyone. It doesn't take long before people realize what's going on, and a whole new religion springs up like another 10,000 Amaryllis, with RubenR as the messiah.

RubenR's followers plague every moment of his life, so it's actually a relief when he's kidnapped by the Amaryllis haters and staked out on an ant hill to bake in the sun.

And no-one ever found out if it was a Hippeastrum or a true Amaryllis.

* * *

I wish to feed all my people so none shall go hungry.

 

[lovecraft68]

The genie is confused. He tilts his head to study the bulb and wonders if it's had the necessary 8-10 weeks of dry dormancy, then he shrugs. He can't even tell whether it's a Hippeastrum or a true African Amaryllis. It isn't his field, so he calls in his buddy, the Agricultural genie, who owes him a favor.

It's no problem for the Agricultural genie,and POOF! the bulb starts to grow. Of course, being the Agricultural genie instead of the Horticultural genie he is more accustomed to grandiose wishes like "I wish to feed all my people so none shall go hungry," and he assumes that's what RubenR wants as well.

Now everywhere RubenR goes, Amaryllis grow around him. There are Amaryllis for everyone. It doesn't take long before people realize what's going on, and a whole new religion springs up like another 10,000 Amaryllis, with RubenR as the messiah.

RubenR's followers plague every moment of his life, so it's actually a relief when he's kidnapped by the Amaryllis haters and staked out on an ant hill to bake in the sun.

And no-one ever found out if it was a Hippeastrum or a true Amaryllis.

* * *

I wish to feed all my people so none shall go hungry.

You're wish will be fulfilled.

Unfortunately you won't be able to see it, because you've been cut up into small meal sized bits to feed your people.

Oh...um...this was the evil Momkey's Paw style of this game, right?

I wish could write shorter stories.

 

[Tio_Narratore]

You're wish will be fulfilled.

Unfortunately you won't be able to see it, because you've been cut up into small meal sized bits to feed your people.

Oh...um...this was the evil Momkey's Paw style of this game, right?

I wish could write shorter stories.

And Presto! Changeo! You can write shorter stories. Not only can, but must. And each story is shorter than the one before it. You become the envy of all minimalists until, penultimately, your stories are reduced to mere punctuation. And then . . . so short that there is nothing on the page but a tabula rasa for the reader to imagine what you, obviously, would have written. You lock yourself in a room with all those blank sheets, trying to imagine what you, obviously, would have written.

I wish for my own Scheherazade . . .

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish could write shorter stories.

Poof!

And the Genie is a big fan of King Ogg! If he can tie 15 fifty word tales into a minimum acceptable story... Well, let's see, there are about 30 categories here at LitE...

"My first time with Joanie by LUVcraft: We were over eighteen. We had sex. It was really good."

Okay that was 18 words, 732 to go...

"We probably shouldn't have since it was Incest, or at least Taboo, she was my half-sister.

Sixteen more, 726 to go...

"At least it was 2020, this sort of Interracial Romance is more acceptable today. Her mom is from Cameroon."

Nineteen words, 717 to go...

"It was a May-December romance, she was twenty three and I was sixty-three."

"I used a toy and made her come twelve times with the bunny vibrator."

"At fist she didnt want to, it was confusing, somewhat non-consensual, but then after her second orgasm I knew she was into it."

"I figured turnabout was fairplay so I let her tie me up in a BDSM scene next."

It wrote itself...

"Our second time was a Group encounter with our best friends."

"Bert and Ernie enjoyed it so much they tried Gay Sex together."

"Donna and Marie said that playing with us made them brave enough to try Lesbian Love."

Pretty soon you had 670 words encompassing all 30 categories. You wondered where Laurel might put it, so the note upon submission was almost as long as the original story...

In fact you actually had to add a 43 word tribute to Oggbahian and a 37 word autobiography to pump it to 750 words. But it was a perfect 5.00/5.00, Editors pick and Laurel decided to delete all the other stories on the site, because, well, you just said it all. In 750 words no less.

---

We wish those angry LitE authors with the pitchforks and torches who want to kill us for giving you the idea would just go somewhere else...

 

[lovecraft68]

Poof!

And the Genie is a big fan of King Ogg! If he can tie 15 fifty word tales into a minimum acceptable story... Well, let's see, there are about 30 categories here at LitE...

"My first time with Joanie by LUVcraft: We were over eighteen. We had sex. It was really good."

Okay that was 18 words, 732 to go...

"We probably shouldn't have since it was Incest, or at least Taboo, she was my half-sister.

Sixteen more, 726 to go...

"At least it was 2020, this sort of Interracial Romance is more acceptable today. Her mom is from Cameroon."

Nineteen words, 717 to go...

"It was a May-December romance, she was twenty three and I was sixty-three."

"I used a toy and made her come twelve times with the bunny vibrator."

"At fist she didnt want to, it was confusing, somewhat non-consensual, but then after her second orgasm I knew she was into it."

"I figured turnabout was fairplay so I let her tie me up in a BDSM scene next."

It wrote itself...

"Our second time was a Group encounter with our best friends."

"Bert and Ernie enjoyed it so much they tried Gay Sex together."

"Donna and Marie said that playing with us made them brave enough to try Lesbian Love."

Pretty soon you had 670 words encompassing all 30 categories. You wondered where Laurel might put it, so the note upon submission was almost as long as the original story...

In fact you actually had to add a 43 word tribute to Oggbahian and a 37 word autobiography to pump it to 750 words. But it was a perfect 5.00/5.00, Editors pick and Laurel decided to delete all the other stories on the site, because, well, you just said it all. In 750 words no less.

---

We wish those angry LitE authors with the pitchforks and torches who want to kill us for giving you the idea would just go somewhere else...

As you wish....

Turns and faces the mob:

"Hey, someone in Loving wives just wrote a burn the bastard story that rewards cheating, punishes the loser husband that she's getting revenge on and totally makes her look like she's in the right. It even has bondage and a shock collar!"

Okay, they're gone now.

I wish I hadn't written the story I just referenced.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

I wish I hadn't written the story I just referenced.

OK. Done. Somebody else, somebody you’ve never heard of, wrote it.

Tomorrow’s news will have it nominated for a Pulitzer.

***

I wish that hare that used to live under the big spruce would show up again.

 

[GuessImJamie]

I wish that hare that used to live under the big spruce would show up again.

POOF!

Look there he is. Over there, the hare...

The Genie being an avid reader of Steven King novels, finds the grave where neighborhood children had interred the creature upon its passing. Fortunately his "Complete Anthology" has the address for that Miꞌkmaq Tribal Burial Ground. Sure there were some "minor issues" with humans and carnivores resurrected in King's "Pet Semitary."

But really? A nice little herbivore, what could possibly go wrong.

Moments later the groundskeepers arrive, and you hear, what were thier names? Oh yes, Gawain and Ector screaming as the hare attacks them while the third man, Robin, soils his pants and runs away.

Ah yes, too bad the Genie never watched Monty Python, apparently the Hare of Caerbannog now resides under your connifer.

----

I wish that I lived on Gilligan's Island with my lovers, and a magical Consolodated PBY (flying boat) that never broke down or needed fuel or oil. (Yeah, I'm momentarily fixated, sorry.)

 

[Rustyoznail]

I wish that I lived on Gilligan's Island with my lovers, and a magical Consolodated PBY (flying boat) that never broke down or needed fuel or oil. (Yeah, I'm momentarily fixated, sorry.)

The Genie in pink scratches her blond head. She can’t understand your fixation with the Catalina, when everyone knows the Short Sunderland was a much better aircraft. It has beds...

Anyway, a wish is a wish.

You and your lovers are transported to Gilligan's Island, where everything is happy, wholesome, and sex free. Well, it is a 1960’s prime time TV location. If that wasn’t bad enough, the laugh track that follows you around whenever you do an involuntary prat fall is driving everyone nuts. And a diet solely of coconut cream pie? You definitely don’t look like Ginger anymore.

The PBY! Of course!

Everyone runs to the beach. There it is, right at the edge of the water, engines purring, just waiting to take off.

Bugger. You notice a huge gouge in the fuselage, right below the waterline. Shouldn’t be a problem. How hard can it be to patch? Bloody difficult it seems. You then notice the script on the nose. It’s the ‘Minnow’.

But the engines keep turning. Forever.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

And your wish, Russ?

 

[GuessImJamie]

And your wish, Russ?

He wishes he was in the Flight Engineers seat in the pylon. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.

----

I wish we had unexpunged tapes of Mr and Mrs Howell.