❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Wild_Honey_66]

#34

Topping from the Bottom

Have you experienced it? How? How did you handle it?
How do you avoid or help your partner avoid it?

Yep. A bunch. I knew something felt off, but being a noob, it took me a while to work out what was happening. As i got my bossy feet under me and could recognize the difference, i gave anyone who wasn't genuinely willing to submit the boot. Admittedly, there were a couple who were harder to get rid of than others, but i credit those challenges with helping me claim my role, stand my ground, and quit taking their bullshit.

In time, i was lucky to cross paths with someone who's a teriffic fit for me, and we have a fucking blast when he's around.

 

[cookiecat]

There ya go Cookers!

And I'm all for derailing if you are an answerer of questions... *cough*Miles*cough*

Cookers!!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

. Hi Cookers!

Cookers!!

I realize i didnt answer the 'how' part of the question.

I'll get to that.

 

[cookiecat]

. Hi Cookers!

I realize i didnt answer the 'how' part of the question.

I'll get to that.

Hi Honey.

 

[midwestyankee]

#34

Topping from the Bottom

Have you experienced it? How? How did you handle it?
How do you avoid or help your partner avoid it?

Yes. I stopped seeing her after a brief discussion that revealed she wouldn’t stop that behavior.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I wonder if I do this?

Can we go over what it means?
I’m passionate, and I love reaching out for him. Is that the same thing?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I wonder if I do this?

Can we go over what it means?
I’m passionate, and I love reaching out for him. Is that the same thing?

No.

As a sub, i am very active, engaged, and assertive. You can do that and still be responsive to your Dominant's leading. This is actually trying to be the one in control, while masquerading as a sub. Let me tell you, it's annoying af.

The guys i knew had what we commonly think of as submissive kinks: anal play, feminization, pussy worship, forced bi play, directed masturbation, etc. But they only let me be in control as long as what i did went along with what they wanted. If i wanted something that wasn't a priority for them, they would guide the action away from that. If i was uncomfortable with one of their kinks, they would still try to manipulate me into doing it.

This wasn't about a lack of common ground, this was about a lack of submission. There really was no power exchange, i really wasn't the one in control. What they actually needed was a service top, someone who would top them in the ways that they chose. I will and have done that for a dominant partner, and am happy to do it, because service.

But when a man approaches me as a submissive in need of a dominant? He better fucking be ready to actually submit or find someone else, cause I'm not playing those bullshit power games.

 

[AlwaysFara]

No.

As a sub, i am very active, engaged, and assertive. You can do that and still be responsive to your Dominant's leading. This is actually trying to be the one in control, while masquerading as a sub. Let me tell you, it's annoying af.

The guys i knew had what we commonly think of as submissive kinks: anal play, feminization, pussy worship, forced bi play, directed masturbation, etc. But they only let me be in control as long as what i did went along with what they wanted. If i wanted something that wasn't a priority for them, they would guide the action away from that. If i was uncomfortable with one of their kinks, they would still try to manipulate me into doing it.

This wasn't about a lack of common ground, this was about a lack of submission. There really was no power exchange, i really wasn't the one in control. What they actually needed was a service top, someone who would top them in the ways that they chose. I will and have done that for a dominant partner, and am happy to do it, because service.

But when a man approaches me as a submissive in need of a dominant? He better fucking be ready to actually submit or find someone else, cause I'm not playing those bullshit power games.

You’re so hot.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

You’re so hot.

LMAO!!!

I do alright.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I am lucky to have an excellent working relationship with the sub guy i currently spend time with. He is unquestionably submissive, but he is also an active participant in the whole process. It's a collaborative effort, we work together, not against each other. He is creative, open-minded, doesn't hesitate to take the initiative and suggest ideas. He's a great team player, but ultimately the final call is always mine, and we both like it that way.

It's a partnership with a common goal, and a common means of getting there, and it rarely if ever feels like work.

 

[elli1point1]

#34

Topping from the Bottom

Have you experienced it? How? How did you handle it?
How do you avoid or help your partner avoid it?

Apparently I've tried a few times, but my Dom shuts that down IMMEDIATELY! A stern look does the trick

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Apparently I've tried a few times, but my Dom shuts that down IMMEDIATELY! A stern look does the trick

What??

You are so naughty!

 

[elli1point1]

What??

You are so naughty!

Yeah, apparently he doesn't think it's cute *sulks*

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Yeah, apparently he doesn't think it's cute *sulks*

What, did you get mouthy with him?

I'd kill to have seen that exchange. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#35 (suggested)

Pure Voyeurism

Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you?
Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic?

 

[AveryElle]

#35 (suggested)

Pure Voyeurism

Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you?
Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic?

The part in italics is super interesting to discuss, even outside of a sexual proclivity.

I love watching my partner masturbate. It's a good way to learn what he likes. I wouldn't want to watch my partner with someone else (bad at sharing), and I don't think I've ever watched when they haven't known I was watching. And, I am more and more comfortable being watched. But fuck if it isn't hot to watch him. And then he can watch me rub his cum into my skin. sorry, tangent...and he may have seen me get another round in when he came out of the shower. Maybe.

And internet porn. I think it helps already curious people, but I think it creates unrealistic concepts of what these types of encounters are like. If that makes sense?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I am lucky to have an excellent working relationship with the sub guy i currently spend time with. He is unquestionably submissive, but he is also an active participant in the whole process. It's a collaborative effort, we work together, not against each other. He is creative, open-minded, doesn't hesitate to take the initiative and suggest ideas. He's a great team player, but ultimately the final call is always mine, and we both like it that way.

It's a partnership with a common goal, and a common means of getting there, and it rarely if ever feels like work.

Thank you for this. Perfection, to me, and well described. It’s what I call the “group project” approach to power exchange.

I don’t have all the good ideas. I’m not endlessly creative. I don’t have her life experiences, temperament and professional and academic backgrounds. Sometimes I’m feeling down or dumb or all 12 of my cars are broken and my dog peed in my bed. I am the leader, but how the hell do I have a monopoly on ideas? I have the final say, but how do I have all the energy or know all the interesting takes?

Sometimes she’s a little reluctant to chime in, because, I think, of a fear of TFTB. C’mon, though: teamwork is topless and group-project meetings rule.

 

[AlwaysFara]

#35 (suggested)

Pure Voyeurism

Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you?
Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic?

Yes. I do like to watch him, but I never direct him. He’s fucking beautiful, and I stare at him all the time. When he touches himself for me, I feel very close to him. Very intimate. I watch him do other things, non sexually as well.

I think I’m just a creepy perv.

 

[Bramblethorn]

#35 (suggested)

Pure Voyeurism

Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you?
Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic?

I really like the idea of directing my lover to masturbate in front of me, as part of humiliation play, but my partner isn't really into that so it's not something we've done. Not in that way.

My ex once told me how much she loved watching me touching myself. Been a lot of water under the bridge since them, but I have fond memories of that.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Thank you for this. Perfection, to me, and well described. It’s what I call the “group project” approach to power exchange.

I don’t have all the good ideas. I’m not endlessly creative. I don’t have her life experiences, temperament and professional and academic backgrounds. Sometimes I’m feeling down or dumb or all 12 of my cars are broken and my dog peed in my bed. I am the leader, but how the hell do I have a monopoly on ideas? I have the final say, but how do I have all the energy or know all the interesting takes?

Sometimes she’s a little reluctant to chime in, because, I think, of a fear of TFTB. C’mon, though: teamwork is topless and group-project meetings rule.

Thanks!

.....................

Too many men who claim to be sub are under the horribly mistaken idea that they should throw themselves prostrate on the ground at my feet before we've even shaken hands.

I just... no. Get the fuck off the floor, man, and engage my brain. Give me a reason to want to be in this, because just having your bits at my disposal is definitely not enough. <snore>

I want a partner who is my intellectual equal, who understands that this isn't going to work unless our brains have chemistry, unless the power exchange includes ideas, opinions, communication, and active participation. Don't think that stripping down gives you the right to leave me responsible for everything else. Pull your own weight or GTFO.

I want to be mentally challenged on both sides of the slash, not just as a sub. The opportunity for mutual growth and discovery is what lights my fire, but that can only happen if we're working in tandem.

(Woo! Got a little ranty and OT there. )

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

#35 (suggested)

Pure Voyeurism

Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you?
Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic?

I like to watch them all the time. i have no in-person experience with watching a partner pleasure himself, but as Indie said, there'd come a time when i would need to get involved. Not being allowed to touch my partner would feel too much like tease and denial, and those are hard limits for me.

(I also don't like just being watched, it feels distant and disconnected to me. Even if he's just stroking my hair, i need to feel his touch.)

Tbh, the hottest thing I've ever watched a virtual partner do is shower. There was no performance aspect whatsoever, it was just a shower, but he was doing it for me, and that was sexy as hell. For the record, he was a dominant partner and i had requested the shower vid. He was an exhibitionist and loved to be watched, but this was something new for him and he loved that too. I'm not really a voyeur, but of course i always think my partners' bodies are beautiful and I love to watch them moving. Plus the feeling that i was getting to join him for something as mundane as his post-run shower felt incredibly intimate, and that's the very best.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#34

Topping from the Bottom

Have you experienced it? How? How did you handle it?
How do you avoid or help your partner avoid it?

I really wanted to hear from more Tops on this. Grr...

I'm not sure I've ever done this... I've never had it pointed out to me.

I am curious on the best way to suggest something or ask for something without it being too directive or specific. I know some PYL's feel frustrated because they are often expected to seem like mind readers and that's a fair point. But there is something lost, for me, if I have to ask for something explicitly - unless it's as part of humiliation play. Well.... I think I just answered my own questions.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#35 (suggested)

Pure Voyeurism

Is there a time when you just like to watch your partner? Do you like it to be obvious - directing your partner, watching them masturbate, watching them with someone else even, etc? Or do you prefer something a little more subtle or unseen? Have you ever purely watched something that has stayed with you?
Do you feel that in the age of the internet we have all become more voyeuristic?

Hello! Voyeur here! I'm so glad this question got suggested because I probably never would have thought of it. Goes to show the power of crowd-sourcing questions (cough*guilttrip*cough).

Ok, yes, there are lots of times when I just like to watch my partner - watch him do anything really but especially things sexual in nature. Being totally graphic here, there is something so erotic and fascinating about watching the way a man strokes himself. It's a really intimate act and everyone does it differently so to get a peek behind the curtain feels really special when it's being done for me to watch. (Please let me add the caveat that this does not mean I just like to watch everyone random dude jerk it.)

I agree with Honey about watching someone shower though - I've gotten a video from someone which I liked less than when he (a different he) brought me into the shower with him and we just chatted while he showered. I like it to be known that I'm watching and participate in the watching. I can certainly get the appeal of the "hide in the closet" mentality but it's just not my thing.

Have I ever watched something that stayed with me? Yes - a long long time ago I was asked to watch a couple have sex. I did... I don't know if I regret that but I was probably a little too young, too insecure, and too green to have had that experience. I would probably do it again now though. Watching my partner with someone else... just voyeuristically speaking - I think it would be incredibly sexy and would play into some of my other kinks. I don't know if I could handle that emotionally. Maybe. I'm a pretty tough chick.

I do think that we are ALL becoming more voyeuristic. It's almost frustrating to us when we can't see what we want to see. But I do think we have become more observant.

Now props to you exhibitionists! We couldn't do it without you!

 

[AveryElle]

While I’m not an exhibitionist (though I do like to push boundaries in public), I think it says a tremendous amount about any relationship I am in if I DO do those things. It’s not natural for me to want to show myself at all, let alone in that way (in person or virtually) so on a level, it’s the most intimate I can get without actual penetration.

It also says a lot that many of us aren’t comfortable with our bodies even though the person there clearly wants to see them. I’m all for body positivity and acceptance and kudos to those that have it. I just think there’s a fine line between body positivity and narcissism.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#35b

Voyeurism follow up

Have you ever asked for specific videos or pictures from someone? What was your motivation? (Seeing someone you'd gotten to know? Nudity is always good? Were you trying to see what you could get someone to share?) Has making someone exhibit themselves ever felt like a conquest?