❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

[Jd192235]

I think most of my more kinky stuff has been influenced more by conversation that actually acting them out with a partner. A few things - namely Oral Servitude - are things I enjoy and therefore he gets to enjoy.
In an early relationship, he wanted to try bondage and sweet, lil ole, naive me just went along for the ride because - I knew no better! Had no idea to ask about experience or how to get out of the situation if I got overwhelmed. So, totally tied up, blindfolded and gagged with a partner who (in retrospect) had zero idea of what he was doing - I had a full on panic attack and the idea of that makes me nervous to this day. I don't think I will ever dabble in full sensory deprivation again.
I find I'm the one pushing more to try things in my current relationship.
More than any other thing partners have influenced what I like and how I feel in both good and bad ways. I've found that the good things in one partner lead to an immediate attraction in another partner. And the bad in someone can leave lasting insecurities.
Examples -
Good - My hair - I've had partners compliment my hair. I've had them pull my hair during those "take me" moments. And so partners interacting with my hair has a way of automatically turning me on and making me feel pretty and wanted.
Bad - Withholding Compliments - I am with some who purposely withholds positive words for "reasons' (not worth going into) but it (and a Southern humble sensibility) has left me with an almost complete inability to believe anything nice. Also, the weird fear of someone withdrawing affection already given.

This isn't BDSM related at all and I'm rambling but the point is - partners are influential which means YOU are influential. Be mindful. Be a good partner and leave good effects in your wake.

I would add that all interpersonal relationships are going to have an influence on future action, whether it be family , good friends, teachers or other people of influence, and sexual partners and any of these people can influence who we become as a person and sexually. Anything that makes us feel good or makes us feel good about ourselves we are going to try to recreate in future relationships due to endorphins released etc, much like any drug. And things that make us feel bad or not confident we will try to avoid.

 

[Paul_Chance]

I had to put some thought around the whole degradation/humiliation thing.

I've had lovers who liked rough, crass, explicitly nasty talk and variations on manhandling - basically being treated as a crude sexual object. I guess that would fall under the umbrella of degradation/humiliation, though I didn't think of it that way as it occurred in the context of a fuller relationship. It wasn't so much about degrading or humiliating as it was about helping them get into the mental space where they could let go of control and allow themselves to indulge in pure carnal sex.

The psychological component of BDSM is pretty powerful and a large part of the attraction - it improves the quality of the sexual encounter through psychological manipulation (in the good sense). Poorly done it's psychological manipulation in the bad sense - convincing or forcing someone to do something they don't want to do.

I think it is kind of like the psychological out that hypnotism provides. "I would never call a man master and kneel before him while he makes me deep throat him." "Oh, now I am hypnotized, so I am going to do it because I'm not in control." That is a game our brain is playing with us as a method to overcome social, cultural, and personal taboos.

I wonder how much humiliation/degradation fall into that spectrum?

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

I had to put some thought around the whole degradation/humiliation thing.

I've had lovers who liked rough, crass, explicitly nasty talk and variations on manhandling - basically being treated as a crude sexual object. I guess that would fall under the umbrella of degradation/humiliation, though I didn't think of it that way as it occurred in the context of a fuller relationship. It wasn't so much about degrading or humiliating as it was about helping them get into the mental space where they could let go of control and allow themselves to indulge in pure carnal sex.

The psychological component of BDSM is pretty powerful and a large part of the attraction - it improves the quality of the sexual encounter through psychological manipulation (in the good sense). Poorly done it's psychological manipulation in the bad sense - convincing or forcing someone to do something they don't want to do.

I think it is kind of like the psychological out that hypnotism provides. "I would never call a man master and kneel before him while he makes me deep throat him." "Oh, now I am hypnotized, so I am going to do it because I'm not in control." That is a game our brain is playing with us as a method to overcome social, cultural, and personal taboos.

I wonder how much humiliation/degradation fall into that spectrum?

Very eloquently put. I have been wondering a lot of the same thing. I know a few that really enjoy that aspect of it, however, I've always been a bit....concerned...with the direction of some of it. I am a firm believer that sex should always be an uplifting and building experience. With BDSM in particular, it is very dangerous to cross that threshold between dominance vs dominating. I know that some would say that they are the same thing, the Dom always dominates. But, what I mean is you can step from something mutual to a forceful/unwillingness that pushes past play. Anytime power is being exchanged that mental ability to stop and go this is far enough is key for anyone in a "power" position.

I actually love how you put that our brain is looking for the excuse to allow the behavior and it be acceptable to ourselves. I struggled with some of that when I first stepped into the shadows. I've always believed that everyone is a creature of carnal pleasure and we learn to suppress that for our peers/family/society.

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

Seela

I have thoughts and no time but I'll be back.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

That's an interesting thought!

Personally I don't get the allure of "I'm not in control, ergo I can let go and do whatever", but no doubt for many that is a very key element of BDSM.

I'm very into humiliation (like that's a surprise to anybody anymore) and a big part of it is being made to admit all the fucked up things I am into and then doing them while really having my face rubbed into the fact that I like it and it gets me off. It doesn't even have to be any majorly kinky things to be honest. Often just asking me to describe something in detail does the trick. Saying things out loud is difficult to me, so naturally I love it when I have to do that. That's the kind of exhibitionism I love, exactly because it's difficult and I hate it. Oh brain, you are a mysterious place.

Not being in control and having pleasure taken out of me, being just a set of holes basically, is a thrill on its own, but to me there's no added bonus of being able to better let go or whatever.

I love the vocal thing, I find that to be very common in submissives. Something about verbalizing it takes it to a whole other level. But I also find it to be one of the most difficult things for those online/starting out to do.

I know it's a bit off topic, but how do you feel that writing words and stuff plays into your play? Doe's it provide you with the same thrill as verbalizing or is different or not appealing at all?

 

[seela]

I love the vocal thing, I find that to be very common in submissives. Something about verbalizing it takes it to a whole other level. But I also find it to be one of the most difficult things for those online/starting out to do.

I know it's a bit off topic, but how do you feel that writing words and stuff plays into your play? Doe's it provide you with the same thrill as verbalizing or is different or not appealing at all?

Depends on who I'm writing with I suppose. But generally speaking, writing is easier than saying things out loud, but writing can be plenty cathartic, thrilling and humiliating as well if the stakes are high enough.

 

[barefootgirl69]

That's an interesting thought!

Personally I don't get the allure of "I'm not in control, ergo I can let go and do whatever", but no doubt for many that is a very key element of BDSM.

I'm very into humiliation (like that's a surprise to anybody anymore) and a big part of it is being made to admit all the fucked up things I am into and then doing them while really having my face rubbed into the fact that I like it and it gets me off. It doesn't even have to be any majorly kinky things to be honest. Often just asking me to describe something in detail does the trick. Saying things out loud is difficult to me, so naturally I love it when I have to do that. That's the kind of exhibitionism I love, exactly because it's difficult and I hate it. Oh brain, you are a mysterious place.

Not being in control and having pleasure taken out of me, being just a set of holes basically, is a thrill on its own, but to me there's no added bonus of being able to better let go or whatever.

That high-lighted part!

Sometimes I will message that I'm "thinking of him" and get either a message or a call telling me to tell him more... it's much more than the words, but the voice, the sensuality, the demand... it makes me blush to be confronted and have to spill my thoughts out loud, but turns me on at the same time.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Depends on who I'm writing with I suppose. But generally speaking, writing is easier than saying things out loud, but writing can be plenty cathartic, thrilling and humiliating as well if the stakes are high enough.

It really can be. I love writing and seeing things written. One of my favorite task is seeing a written explanation to why they enjoy a particular act/phrase that I do/say.

However, I kinda misrepresented what my question was though. I was talking more about using markers, crayons, pens on the body and writing words/phrases.

 

[seela]

It really can be. I love writing and seeing things written. One of my favorite task is seeing a written explanation to why they enjoy a particular act/phrase that I do/say.

However, I kinda misrepresented what my question was though. I was talking more about using markers, crayons, pens on the body and writing words/phrases.

Depends on the phrase/word and if it's me or someone else doing the writing.

Just a generic "sexy" word like slut doesn't do much to me, unless it's backed with a lot of context. A word or a phrase that plays to my specific weaknesses... Yes. That's very hot.

And then make me read it all out loud. That ups the awkward and thus pay-off considerably for me.

 

[KamaKamaSutra]

Depends on the phrase/word and if it's me or someone else doing the writing.

Just a generic "sexy" word like slut doesn't do much to me, unless it's backed with a lot of context. A word or a phrase that plays to my specific weaknesses... Yes. That's very hot.

And then make me read it all out loud. That ups the awkward and thus pay-off considerably for me.

Hmm I like it. I love this thread for the insights you can get into others experiences.

 

[cookiecat]

re: degradation / humiliation

For sure a piece of my attraction to being humiliated is tangled up with the letting go idea. I crave a relationship - or even a Top - who is willing to take my hand (or tie me up) and say "listen cookie, the jig is up. I know you love (fill in the blank) even though you say you hate it. You're going to show me just how much you love it"

I think, though, I lean more to seela's perspective. It isn't so much having this THING that suddenly allows me to be free to be a bad girl. I'm not sure the right word. I keep leaning to "prop" but that isn't quite right. It feels artificial, though. As if being hypnotized or being tied up and denied cock or orgasm is somehow like bribing a kid to be good.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind bribes at all! I'm all for being tied up and there's an element of "brainwashing" that turns me on to no end.

When it comes to humiliating things, though, I'd rather have my partner reach deep in to my brain and tease out those things I find shameful, embarrassing and so fucking arousing.

Maybe it's splitting hairs if it all gets us to the same place.


PLP - this thread is great. For sure it's challenging to keep threads going, especially these discussion threads. You've done a great job!

 

[AlwaysFara]

I had to put some thought around the whole degradation/humiliation thing.

I've had lovers who liked rough, crass, explicitly nasty talk and variations on manhandling - basically being treated as a crude sexual object. I guess that would fall under the umbrella of degradation/humiliation, though I didn't think of it that way as it occurred in the context of a fuller relationship. It wasn't so much about degrading or humiliating as it was about helping them get into the mental space where they could let go of control and allow themselves to indulge in pure carnal sex.

The psychological component of BDSM is pretty powerful and a large part of the attraction - it improves the quality of the sexual encounter through psychological manipulation (in the good sense). Poorly done it's psychological manipulation in the bad sense - convincing or forcing someone to do something they don't want to do.

I think it is kind of like the psychological out that hypnotism provides. "I would never call a man master and kneel before him while he makes me deep throat him." "Oh, now I am hypnotized, so I am going to do it because I'm not in control." That is a game our brain is playing with us as a method to overcome social, cultural, and personal taboos.

I wonder how much humiliation/degradation fall into that spectrum?

This. A lot. It occurrs for me in the flesh. Very rarely online. In fact, only with one person. And no one has gotten me to call him Master yet.
Then again, he hasn’t really tried.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

<snip> PLP - this thread is great. For sure it's challenging to keep threads going, especially these discussion threads. You've done a great job!

Hear, hear!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

I'm very into humiliation (like that's a surprise to anybody anymore) and a big part of it is being made to admit all the fucked up things I am into and then doing them while really having my face rubbed into the fact that I like it and it gets me off. It doesn't even have to be any majorly kinky things to be honest. Often just asking me to describe something in detail does the trick. Saying things out loud is difficult to me, so naturally I love it when I have to do that.

Sometimes I will message that I'm "thinking of him" and get either a message or a call telling me to tell him more... it's much more than the words, but the voice, the sensuality, the demand... it makes me blush to be confronted and have to spill my thoughts out loud, but turns me on at the same time.

who is willing to take my hand (or tie me up) and say "listen cookie, the jig is up. I know you love (fill in the blank) even though you say you hate it. You're going to show me just how much you love it"
When it comes to humiliating things, though, I'd rather have my partner reach deep in to my brain and tease out those things I find shameful, embarrassing and so fucking arousing.

You ladies said this so much better and more concisely. Though I am curious to hear from PYLs or male subs on this issue as well. It's something that's been on my mind and in my conversations lately since we recorded about it but I find it so fascinating to talk about. I think it's my favorite form of play though it is EXTREMELY hard to find a partner who you gel with and who is comfortable playing this way. And I get it. Feelings are so complicated. (Sorry I'm a list maker and I find it easier to communicate in a straight line that way so - )
1. The Crawl - That feeling of a partner wanting to know you. Not just sexy you but YOU. The curious, the nosey, the questioning... Wanting to know not just THAT I like something but WHY I like it. I, personally, find that really powerful too. Knowing you don't just like spanking someone but you like spanking them because it relaxes and releases them.
2. The Push - The "tell me more, give me more" mentality. I know this can come very close to crossing boundaries and being a gray zone for many PYLs and I sympathize. The feeling that someone wants more of you - the good, the fucked up, and the kinky - that's an addictive and powerful feeling.
3. The Tell Me - I concur 100% with the sentiments above. Putting my thoughts and feelings into words is so fucking difficult for me. It costs something. And so to have someone make me express myself. That's very cathartic and eye opening. I've learned a lot about myself the few times I've played this way.
4. The Sweet and Sour - One of the things that particularly works for me is the rawness of this kind of play. It just feels more honest. Compliments just always fall hollow to me - I'm broken we know this - so mixing something a bit painful with something a bit sweet. (It's like math. If A is true then B must be true). I'll save the details but this worked particularly powerfully for me recently.

God, I ramble too much. Thanks if you made it this far! Just one of those weird things I like to talk about!

 

[PrettyLilPussy19]

#24

#24

Kink Evolution (submitted)

How has your perception of kink / bdsm changed since you got involved in it? Do people in your life know you have a kinky streak? Do you think people in other forums think the BDSM forum is weird, scary?

 

[barefootgirl69]

#24

Kink Evolution (submitted)

How has your perception of kink / bdsm changed since you got involved in it? Do people in your life know you have a kinky streak? Do you think people in other forums think the BDSM forum is weird, scary?

These questions always make me think and examine myself in some way. I've always been kinky, so it wasn't like I thought "let's do bdsm"... I don't know where the idea of being tied up came from, or any of the kinky things I did because they felt GOOD even before I met the guy I called Master. He was like the cherry on a Sundae. That's when I learned it was called BDSM.

I have definitely learned new things in the last three year about the dynamics of it all, but my perception is still 'it feels good, I like it, I want it'.

Do people in my life know? Well, people I've met here and at munches do, but not my family.

I think those who aren't into the kinky side of things view us as weird. We are a huge group at Lit, we all have opinions and likes, dislikes. Some aren't as open to kink just because they enjoy sex and erotica. But, if you go to the PG to defend something that's been brought up, rest assured you'll be called a bully and a 'click' if you tell someone they're judgemental.

 

[seela]

Nope.

 

[cookiecat]

I'm going to paraphrase (and partly blatantly plagiarize) part of a conversation I had yesterday about my perception of kink and BDSM. With the right person, it's hard to tell where kink ends and begins because they are so beautifully intertwined. I love d/s because it is a beautiful representation of what I want with HIM, not anyone else. Constantly considering the other person's needs and wants not only in the bedroom - but in every aspect of our lives. It's real and all I can feel and think about most days. Not a game or a role play. But a life. I think that's what love is - choosing to put the other person first.

This perfectly sums up what submission is for me.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

.....

 

[AlwaysFara]

This board once teemed with regular posters who would have vehemently disagreed with this sentiment for various reasons with varying degrees of diplomacy and eloquence.

Each couples dynamic is their own, and as long as it has been agreed to in advance (SSC) I see no problem with crossing your "threshold". For some subs that difference is not only tanginble, but a deal breaker if you won't cross it.

Sex is absolutely not always an uplifting and building experience. Some times it's for physical pain management. (BTDT) Sometimes it's for mental pain management. Sometimes it's cathartic. Sometimes it's just fucking for fun... Sometimes it's just a way to show how much you appreciate the other person; even if you don't really feel up to it right now, especially for those with the temperment to warm up to sex underway. Any and all of those things can be concensual without fitting the narrow definitions you appear to have laid out.

I didn't adhere to this myself, but yes there were some hard players around who insisted that a power exchange just wasn't a power exchange with a safeword.

The only thing true about sweeping genralizations is that they're always wrong.

You sound like Necro, without all the F bombs.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

You sound like Necro.

Hey. I was just thinking about you.

I can't sleep. I'm crying.

 

[AlwaysFara]

Hey. I was just thinking about you.

I can't sleep. I'm crying.

Text me. I can’t talk on the phone now. I have a full house.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Text me. I can’t talk on the phone now. I have a full house.

I took a pill. If it doesnt kick in in 20 minutes I'll text you.

Fucking holidays.

 

[AlwaysFara]

I took a pill. If it doesnt kick in in 20 minutes I'll text you.

Fucking holidays.

I love you, my sweet friend.