Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2014
- Posts
- 50,279
I’m flattered that you thought of me, but I’m really not interested. Thanks for the message.
Love you Honey
Love you back
Love you back
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2007
- Posts
- 8,516
What interesting questions.
I identify as dominant, and that’s absolutely true sexually. Here’s the thing, though, and OK, maybe it’s splitting, oh I don’t know, “hairs” or whatever, but: I don’t actually “identify.” Identify is really the wrong word (and I’m the one who thought of this, completely); I just “am.” It’s always been true. I understand submission (well, I think), but it will always be detached - like understanding what it must be like to enjoy the taste of licorice.
That enjoyment of control definitely sloshes into other areas of my life. I love to work in teams, in pursuit of a greater goal, but only if I have intense creative control over my my area. If you knew me casually in work or other areas, you’d first see the teamwork. You’d notice the control aspects and intensity a little later. I can be sort of a pain in the ass to work with for some people. It’s the same in a dynamic: I want enthusiastic collaboration with creative control in certain crucial areas.
I don’t buy that you’re not dominant or submissive if you’re not currently experiencing dominance or submission with someone else. It’s like saying you’re not a lover of fine art if you’re, say, hiking for months in the wilderness, far from paintings and sculpture. If something is part of you, you carry it with you. It’s a lens through which you see the world.
Last edited:
wicked woman
from my travels
- Joined
- May 3, 2003
- Posts
- 16,022
Sexually, I identify as a submissive. Always have had submissive tendencies sexually. That does not , however, mean that all my sexual partners have been permitted to dominate me. Even after an extremely positive relationship, where I submitted to my Dominant, in my next long-term relationship, I did not permit my partner to dominate me.
Outside of my sexual relationships, I do not consider myself submissive. I like to be in control, especially of myself. Being a partner in a firm and an expert in my field wasn't being submissive. I consider the various aspects of my personality appropriate for different components of my life.
As for the second question, while I have always had submissive tendencies sexually, I need a Dominant to submit to. I only identify as a submissive to help in the identification of submissive versus dominant. I am never dominant sexually.
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
#12
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)
This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.#12
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)
This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.#12
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)
This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.
I've had both on and off in my life. Certainly the online has outweighed the offline as far as number of relationships and duration. I think every one of my D/s relationships has begun online, and then several have made the jump to R/l, with the exception of one.
I've had three R/l D/s relationships , two of which have been pretty long term.
For me, I dont like to put relationships in boxes. Like so many before have mentioned; the commitment and emotion expressed is as real as the participants allow it to be. It can be a game, or it can be very very real and all encompassing... just like a traditional relationship. I dont judge what others want to get out of a relationship. I dont think one dynamic or aim trumps another. Just like it's ok to be a bottom, or a switch, or a top, or a Dom, or a sub, or a Master, or a slave... each gets something else out of it; each has different aims. What matters is that the kotivations and desires of those in the dynamic are clearly communicated and match.
For me: I'm always after the more real and the deeeper the better. I dont want a relationship with bounds and walls... I need to give it all.Take all of me. Let me give you all of me, and for the first time I'm in a relationship with someone who is reciprocating that. It takes a strong person to do so. It's fucking terrifying. But when that is the aim, when that is the goal... I find it hard to contain that to online only. The natural progression is to need to be physically near that person... to need to do with the flesh what the heart and the soul are already doing.
Last week I briefly had an avatar up that made Daddy uncomfortable, but many times that's the case because we havent yet delved into the meaning of something.
the avatar said: There are times when, regardless of the position of the flesh, the soul is on its knees. This is a very accurate portrayal of me in this relationship. What I was communicating was that, while life may right now keep me from physically expressing myself to him... while I may need to be standing and doing dishes or working or tending my child.... my heart and soul very much live curled up at his feet.
I know I took a side rail, but I think it's important.
There was a line in the movie You've Got Mail... where a secondary character said "In a relationship I tend to always take things to the next level... and then the level after that... then the level after that... and I keep doing that until it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave. I always do that. I think that's a good description of my relationships... I keep giving more and more of me. Being more and more real and open and saying "ok you handled that... can you accept this part of me now. ... you did... can you now accept this? Can you hold this? Can you carry this? Can I trust you with this? It's a matter of weeding out whether someone can truly accept me... can you take all of me.
Up until Him... the answer was always "nah... I'll pass" ... I was too much. Too much hurt. Too much work. Too much baggage. To deep. Too real. Too whatever. Last week my signature changed. It changed because the answer truly became: I've got nothing more to ask. He has it all. He knows it all. He sees it all. He accepts it all. He wants it all. In which case, I'm honored to say that he has it all. He always will. For now online. For now. When life gives us the opportunity to alter that once again I will say "Will you have all of me?" and I've no doubt he will.
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)
This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.#12
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)
This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.#12
Online & Real Life Kink
Let's talk people exploring their kink online only and those people who live a lifestyle.
How are you exploring your kink at the moment and in the past?
If you fall in only one category, how do you feel about members of the other category? (I.e. If you are living a 24/7 D/s relationship, could you imagine being online only? If you are online only, do you ever want to transition to real life?)
This is certainly not meant to be an us v. them question. Everyone has different restrictions, desires, and availability, but there does seem to be a different level of thought that goes into someone who's strictly online and people who venture into the meat space.
I've had both on and off in my life. Certainly the online has outweighed the offline as far as number of relationships and duration. I think every one of my D/s relationships has begun online, and then several have made the jump to R/l, with the exception of one.
I've had three R/l D/s relationships , two of which have been pretty long term.
For me, I dont like to put relationships in boxes. Like so many before have mentioned; the commitment and emotion expressed is as real as the participants allow it to be. It can be a game, or it can be very very real and all encompassing... just like a traditional relationship. I dont judge what others want to get out of a relationship. I dont think one dynamic or aim trumps another. Just like it's ok to be a bottom, or a switch, or a top, or a Dom, or a sub, or a Master, or a slave... each gets something else out of it; each has different aims. What matters is that the kotivations and desires of those in the dynamic are clearly communicated and match.
For me: I'm always after the more real and the deeeper the better. I dont want a relationship with bounds and walls... I need to give it all.Take all of me. Let me give you all of me, and for the first time I'm in a relationship with someone who is reciprocating that. It takes a strong person to do so. It's fucking terrifying. But when that is the aim, when that is the goal... I find it hard to contain that to online only. The natural progression is to need to be physically near that person... to need to do with the flesh what the heart and the soul are already doing.
Last week I briefly had an avatar up that made Daddy uncomfortable, but many times that's the case because we havent yet delved into the meaning of something.
the avatar said: There are times when, regardless of the position of the flesh, the soul is on its knees. This is a very accurate portrayal of me in this relationship. What I was communicating was that, while life may right now keep me from physically expressing myself to him... while I may need to be standing and doing dishes or working or tending my child.... my heart and soul very much live curled up at his feet.
I know I took a side rail, but I think it's important.
There was a line in the movie You've Got Mail... where a secondary character said "In a relationship I tend to always take things to the next level... and then the level after that... then the level after that... and I keep doing that until it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave. I always do that. I think that's a good description of my relationships... I keep giving more and more of me. Being more and more real and open and saying "ok you handled that... can you accept this part of me now. ... you did... can you now accept this? Can you hold this? Can you carry this? Can I trust you with this? It's a matter of weeding out whether someone can truly accept me... can you take all of me.
Up until Him... the answer was always "nah... I'll pass" ... I was too much. Too much hurt. Too much work. Too much baggage. To deep. Too real. Too whatever. Last week my signature changed. It changed because the answer truly became: I've got nothing more to ask. He has it all. He knows it all. He sees it all. He accepts it all. He wants it all. In which case, I'm honored to say that he has it all. He always will. For now online. For now. When life gives us the opportunity to alter that once again I will say "Will you have all of me?" and I've no doubt he will.
A
Angedesoleil
Guest
#13 (inspired)
If you identify as Dominant or submissive, do you feel that way all the time? Do you feel like those qualities (and tell us what qualities they are) overlap into your everyday life?
I'm a submissive. (naw really? We hadnt figured that out yet
)
That said I'm also a Middle, and a million other things. Do those things affect me all the time? Absolutely. I think we are a product of all aspects of our past and personality and they affect us to varying degrees constantly, whether we are aware of it or not. For me, the degree to which my submissive tendencies affect me is pretty strong. Though now that I have a Dom who is involved in my everyday life I'd say it affects me LESS.
I think this is an angle that hasnt been explored yet. I think for me it's like creativity. If I have an avenue to express that tendency that need, then it gets consumed there, like a gas burner that so long as it's lit will burn. When I do NOT have a Dominant actively involved in my life, or the expression of that relationship is extremely limited then I spin my wheels and look for an outlet. I think this was up until now subconscious. I kinda came to this conclusion recently. Everything about my demeanor and countenance changes when I'm in a relationship dynamic that works for me. Part of that is because of how I look at things... it gives me my compass... my rubric. I also keep in mind that I'm a reflection of him. So I keep him at the forefront of my mind and behave in such a way that I give no one cause to look at him askance. In some ways this makes me much LESS submissive in my everyday life. I'm never quiet. I'm not meek as others have said. But I do have a heart of service. When that is not being used, I do tend to seek out avenues to express this. So I tend to be much more servile at work or towards friends when I've no Dominant to make use of that. I need to feel helpful. I need to feel productive. with him giving me ways to do that, I can then channel the service need towards him, and focus on my own stuff elsewhere with zero need to find fulfillment for that itch. I dont need anyone else's validation or "good girl" than his. In the bedroom I'm submissive. period. I've not a dominant bone in my body... except for one... but that's between He and I.
Additionally, do you feel like you have to have the other half of the dynamic to be a Dominant or submissive? (i.e. Can I be a submissive when I have no one Dominating me? or vice versa?) What are some ways you can express that until you do have the dynamic again?
Yup. See above. I'm submissive and a Middle regardless of who is around me. If I've no Dominant in my life, then it comes out towards friends and work. I find ways to be of help and be of service. Ways to get that "good girl" in a non kink sense. That's when I become the model employee. Though I also carry a lot of frustration and angst in such a case. It isnt pretty.
One of the ways I express this is in my profession. I'm 100% in a service industry that really really helps me with my tendencies. It doesnt look at all strange for my behavior or countenance to be childlike. I found it funny that a young person I work around identified me as a middle this year without knowing she did. She has known me for 10 years and she said to me "You dont change. You never change." and I said "Yep, I dont grow up." "Yeah.... I've noticed" then on second thought I asked her "How old do you think I am?" "Like 15, 16." "Yeah... pretty much **hug**"
It was really validating. I like that about me.
It does also have its downsides though... because when it comes to dealing with supervisors or other adult people who do not have any way to understand or any reason to understand (and they shouldnt) it can be a problem when it comes to disciplinary matters. If I do something wrong at work... and I've no dominant in my life, and I'm seeing that "good girl" professionally... it can be devastating to me to muck something up, as devastating to me as it would be if I truly displeased my Dominant.
This isnt a healthy expression. I'm aware of that. It wasnt something I was consciously aware of previously, but I now am. Kinda like why I never understood why I reacted internally so badly. But now that I'm aware of it, I'm much better equipped to handle it (at least externally).
The one fallout from this is: I've been in my job for 10 years. I've never had a dominant in my life who was fulfilling that role, so they had never seen me when I wasnt subconsciously trying to get that "good girl" validation there. I've gotten where I am by bending myself in half trying to do it all to be of service to everyone around me. I've become the go to "yes woman" ... the last 6 months of self understanding and reigning myself in and redirecting that energy appropriately and learning to set boundaries at work has taken a hit at their perceptions of me. They havent liked it 100%. It's good and right, but it's a pretty big personality shift for them.
If you identify as Dominant or submissive, do you feel that way all the time? Do you feel like those qualities (and tell us what qualities they are) overlap into your everyday life?
I'm a submissive. (naw really? We hadnt figured that out yet
)That said I'm also a Middle, and a million other things. Do those things affect me all the time? Absolutely. I think we are a product of all aspects of our past and personality and they affect us to varying degrees constantly, whether we are aware of it or not. For me, the degree to which my submissive tendencies affect me is pretty strong. Though now that I have a Dom who is involved in my everyday life I'd say it affects me LESS.
I think this is an angle that hasnt been explored yet. I think for me it's like creativity. If I have an avenue to express that tendency that need, then it gets consumed there, like a gas burner that so long as it's lit will burn. When I do NOT have a Dominant actively involved in my life, or the expression of that relationship is extremely limited then I spin my wheels and look for an outlet. I think this was up until now subconscious. I kinda came to this conclusion recently. Everything about my demeanor and countenance changes when I'm in a relationship dynamic that works for me. Part of that is because of how I look at things... it gives me my compass... my rubric. I also keep in mind that I'm a reflection of him. So I keep him at the forefront of my mind and behave in such a way that I give no one cause to look at him askance. In some ways this makes me much LESS submissive in my everyday life. I'm never quiet. I'm not meek as others have said. But I do have a heart of service. When that is not being used, I do tend to seek out avenues to express this. So I tend to be much more servile at work or towards friends when I've no Dominant to make use of that. I need to feel helpful. I need to feel productive. with him giving me ways to do that, I can then channel the service need towards him, and focus on my own stuff elsewhere with zero need to find fulfillment for that itch. I dont need anyone else's validation or "good girl" than his. In the bedroom I'm submissive. period. I've not a dominant bone in my body... except for one... but that's between He and I.
Additionally, do you feel like you have to have the other half of the dynamic to be a Dominant or submissive? (i.e. Can I be a submissive when I have no one Dominating me? or vice versa?) What are some ways you can express that until you do have the dynamic again?
Yup. See above. I'm submissive and a Middle regardless of who is around me. If I've no Dominant in my life, then it comes out towards friends and work. I find ways to be of help and be of service. Ways to get that "good girl" in a non kink sense. That's when I become the model employee. Though I also carry a lot of frustration and angst in such a case. It isnt pretty.
One of the ways I express this is in my profession. I'm 100% in a service industry that really really helps me with my tendencies. It doesnt look at all strange for my behavior or countenance to be childlike. I found it funny that a young person I work around identified me as a middle this year without knowing she did. She has known me for 10 years and she said to me "You dont change. You never change." and I said "Yep, I dont grow up." "Yeah.... I've noticed" then on second thought I asked her "How old do you think I am?" "Like 15, 16." "Yeah... pretty much **hug**"
It was really validating. I like that about me.
It does also have its downsides though... because when it comes to dealing with supervisors or other adult people who do not have any way to understand or any reason to understand (and they shouldnt) it can be a problem when it comes to disciplinary matters. If I do something wrong at work... and I've no dominant in my life, and I'm seeing that "good girl" professionally... it can be devastating to me to muck something up, as devastating to me as it would be if I truly displeased my Dominant.
This isnt a healthy expression. I'm aware of that. It wasnt something I was consciously aware of previously, but I now am. Kinda like why I never understood why I reacted internally so badly. But now that I'm aware of it, I'm much better equipped to handle it (at least externally).
The one fallout from this is: I've been in my job for 10 years. I've never had a dominant in my life who was fulfilling that role, so they had never seen me when I wasnt subconsciously trying to get that "good girl" validation there. I've gotten where I am by bending myself in half trying to do it all to be of service to everyone around me. I've become the go to "yes woman" ... the last 6 months of self understanding and reigning myself in and redirecting that energy appropriately and learning to set boundaries at work has taken a hit at their perceptions of me. They havent liked it 100%. It's good and right, but it's a pretty big personality shift for them.
A
AlwaysFara
Guest
I love your first paragraph. YES, just because I’m submissive, and want to be, does not guarantee that I will be submissive to anyone else like I am with him. I couldn’t even think of being like this with anyone else. I mean, I love him, so, it’s different, maybe?
LizVegas79
Naughty Advice Doc
- Joined
- Oct 13, 2014
- Posts
- 39,516
Absolutely. For me at least, I can only be submissive with someone I utterly and completely trust.
However, if they want me to be dominant with them, I don't need to have that same level of trust.
Weird right?
Anyone else know what I mean?
base10
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2008
- Posts
- 13,182
Every relationship is unique, every power dynamic different.
The way I am dominant with one partner, may be different than another partner. To me, before we get into any sort of kink or BDSM dynamic, it's a relationship first between two people.
clistenovena
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 6, 2016
- Posts
- 4,209
I completely know what you mean about needing irrevocable trust for submission.
I can't speak to the second statement since I don't roll that way, but I don't think it's weird at all.
Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2014
- Posts
- 50,279
Yes. Definitely. That's how it is for me, too.
It's different, it's not two sides of the same coin for me, it's apples and oranges. My dominance is a skill, a tool, i can enjoy it because it allows me to connect with people i like and meet their needs. And it makes use of qualities i already have, and some that are good for me to cultivate.
But submission is who i am, it's what *I* need, it's in every fiber and cell of me, body and soul. It makes me vulnerable at the deepest level of my being, and makes me high like nothing else i know. I can't separate it from the rest of me, it's hard-wired in.
I don't 'identify' as submissive, i simply am. I know that will sound like splitting hairs, but it feels different to me.
*shrug*
KimGordon67
Rampant feminist
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2014
- Posts
- 8,379
wicked woman
from my travels
- Joined
- May 3, 2003
- Posts
- 16,022
(Snip)
I don't 'identify' as submissive, i simply am. I know that will sound like splitting hairs, but it feels different to me.
Not splitting hairs at all. You got my distinction perfectly.
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2007
- Posts
- 8,516
Dammit, I wish I’d made that point. Can I go back and edit mine and say that I made it?
wicked woman
from my travels
- Joined
- May 3, 2003
- Posts
- 16,022
Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2014
- Posts
- 50,279
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2007
- Posts
- 8,516
I don't know. Can you?
Yes!
No!
You were powerless to stop me and now the truth is known.
wicked woman
from my travels
- Joined
- May 3, 2003
- Posts
- 16,022
Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2014
- Posts
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A
AlwaysFara
Guest
RUUUUUUUSS! *chases you wielding plastic Adirondack chair*
Muahahaaaa!!!
We know your weakness, Dominator!!!
Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2014
- Posts
- 50,279
DeepGreenEyes
Whittled
- Joined
- Dec 23, 2007
- Posts
- 8,516
Cute
It’s not cute. It’s profound. It’s a game-changer. It’s the crumbling boundary between the Stone Age and copper smelting.
RUUUUUUUSS! *chases you wielding plastic Adirondack chair*
You are a cruel woman. You are a sliver of popcorn husk between the teeth of human joy.
No. No you don’t. I have nothing else to say on this matter.
barefootgirl69
🧡 Wild Lil Cupcake
- Joined
- May 14, 2015
- Posts
- 81,423
That was just too funny 
Ed27R
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2016
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- 520
I guess I don’t feel Dominant all the time and I don’t really expect too. Being Dominant all the time with everyone is a rather tough line to walk and regardless of your success you are more often then not to be thought of as an asshole. Which - is probably warranted. I am comfortable in myself and everyday life is just that for me. Meaningful relationships come in all kinds and I can move back and forth. Sure, things like confidence, self-control, decision making, and so on are all qualities that run through my entire life. But, I am not Dominate all the time. I don’t want to be - the obvious exception being with her.
I wouldn’t say that as a general truth one needs a submissive to be Dominant - but as a personal rule I do need a submissive to be Dominant. I am Dominant for her. Or at least that is what it feels like.
Wild_Honey_66
sweet freak
- Joined
- Mar 7, 2014
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- 50,279
If feels as though we're having some communication issues.
When i say i feel sub all the time, that doesn't mean that i am behaving in a submissive manner toward everybody, or anybody. It means that's who i am.
I feel like a woman all of the time, but I'm not constantly nursing a baby or getting my pussy licked out.
There's a difference between being something and actively expressing the most recognizeable characteristic of that thing. Granted, there is 'sploosh' (i like that word!) but nobody can be -in the action sense of the word - sub, Dom, switch all of the time, with everyone.
Thoughts?
When i say i feel sub all the time, that doesn't mean that i am behaving in a submissive manner toward everybody, or anybody. It means that's who i am.
I feel like a woman all of the time, but I'm not constantly nursing a baby or getting my pussy licked out.
There's a difference between being something and actively expressing the most recognizeable characteristic of that thing. Granted, there is 'sploosh' (i like that word!) but nobody can be -in the action sense of the word - sub, Dom, switch all of the time, with everyone.
Thoughts?
cascadiabound
MrTs barmaid
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2015
- Posts
- 29,890
If feels as though we're having some communication issues.
When i say i feel sub all the time, that doesn't mean that i am behaving in a submissive manner toward everybody, or anybody. It means that's who i am.
I feel like a woman all of the time, but I'm not constantly nursing a baby or getting my pussy licked out.
There's a difference between being something and actively expressing the most recognizeable characteristic of that thing. Granted, there is 'sploosh' (i like that word!) but nobody can be -in the action sense of the word - sub, Dom, switch all of the time, with everyone.
Thoughts?
Agreed.
I am a woman all the time. A daughter all the time. A professional woman all the time. Heterosexual in orientation all of the time. Submissive all the time. But those various traits my not be of any particular importance in any given interaction with others and I am not any of those things to everyone all the time. I am a daughter to my mother. I am a professional woman at work and in other contexts. I am NOT submissive to most people. But that does not change who I am fundamentally, any less than the full context of my lifetime of experiences informs who I am and how I understand the world.
Are there ways in which who I am as a woman informs all of who I am in all of my life? Yes. Are there ways in which my submissive nature splashes into other ways and parts of my life? Yes. It is a thread that inevitably seems to weave its way through every part of who I am, just as how being a woman threads its way through every part of who I am.
