Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[cascadiabound]

Huh, I know people have asked, but I thought it was only done in dire circumstances.

Right. That's what I thought.

 

[Farawyn]

LOL - maybe he really DOES know better than us about everything then.

Ahahhaaaa!!!

 

[Farawyn]

Maybe he was a Mod, posting as a member to get threads going in Talk.

 

[MeekMe]

It's posted all over that the Mods won't delete your account for you, but it seems that if you just PM Laurel she'll help you disappear. I don't think it takes dire circumstances to do that these days. It certainly makes threads harder to follow when the person that leaves isn't quoted.

 

[KimGordon67]

Ahahhaaaa!!!

I'm glad someone thought that was funny.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Did anyone else notice that SilverBass seems to have evaporated - like, his actual account has gone?

Yes, he told me ahead of time that he was leaving too...for personal reasons I won't disclose. But I wish him well! Maybe he'll return one day...maybe not.

 

[IslandStyle_44]

....one of the things I have found when trying to establish connections on-line, that large age differences are a challenge. I have found that when more formative "generational" memories are shared, it is sometimes easier to "speak the same language" ..... (Yet) the opportunity to learn from those differences is obvious. But it requires additional effort. One that I find I am happy to make with platonic friends, less willing to endure if I am also trying to establish an intimate connection.

I agree with your comments with what is easier that requires less to endure. I've really never connected with anyone online far beyond my own age for all of the reasons you stated.

Yet, in this one case I did (perhaps against my better judgement which frankly had me questioning what I was doing with her at the beginning). She's a sweet young woman and seemed more mature for her age (20y difference - I'm mid 40s). As I stated previously, I explored an adjacent kink (her kink) to my own that I hadn't considered before once we found an segment of it where both of us were comfortable. So in that regard, it was fulfilling. I learned something. I believe she did as well. Now, I like to think my initial "better judgement" was wrong. We lasted 6-ish months. The ending wasn't ideal but that happens sometimes. This may be where the age differences were very apparent.

I have noticed on some of the personals where much older Doms are seeking young subs for online commitments. And I wonder why that is. Are they just looking for less experienced so they can "train" them? Are they hoping they'll be more attractive if sharing pics? Is it an ego thing...hey, I got this hot young girl? Do younger girls have more endurance to perform tasks? Or maybe they're more willing to follow any orders? Hmm...more answers I don't have.

Have you asked any? Likely the best way to find out, if it's important for you to know. I think the allure for me for someone with less history is the jointly-made "firsts". Why? That first time experience may be difficult to replicate later. It could still be mind-blowing for both but may not have that initial step-into-the-unknown feel to it. That first subdrop and resulting aftercare is very intense. Think back to your own firsts (which hopefully were positive ones).

Of course, all of this may have nothing to do with age, but it's what you surmised as a possible reason. Having said that, I don't exclusively seek out the inexperienced. Rather, it's more about the individual and how we get along, etc. My comments were a result of pondering your question.

As for your other possible motivations of these Doms, it's possible they could all be true. On the other hand, it could be as simple as one favoring red heads or petite. To each his/her own.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Have you asked any? Likely the best way to find out, if it's important for you to know.

No, I never asked any. I wasn't responding to their ad and I don't know any of them so I didn't want to just message them to ask questions like that. Not really important for me to know. Just something I was wondering about...

 

[RacyWilde]

I would comment, that one of the things I have found when trying to establish connections on-line, that large age differences are a challenge.

In RL I think age differences have more of a contrast the younger you are. The difference between 20 and 35 seems huge. 40 and 55, not so much....

..********, I'm not really sure age matters. It does seem easier to connect with someone if you have common experiences/interests which might be age related, but not always so....

I have noticed on some of the personals where much older Doms are seeking young subs for online commitments. And I wonder why that is. Are they just looking for less experienced so they can "train" them? Are they hoping they'll be more attractive if sharing pics? Is it an ego thing...hey, I got this hot young girl? Do younger girls have more endurance to perform tasks? Or maybe they're more willing to follow any orders? Hmm...more answers I don't have.

I'm finding this discussion very interesting and valuable, and as it has been said earlier, it is relative to all relationships not just D/s.

I think age differences are a challenge only via character/mature dispositions. For example - I'm a young soul and I tend to click with people a lot younger than me. In fact, not so long ago I met a young guy that was 20 years my junior . We met online - I was looking for a date. I was nervous to meet him in RL but he was amazing. It was like we had known each other all our lives (and then some...lol). Yes, we were at different stages in our lives but the instant friendship and mutual attraction drowned out any differences. We had a very wild time together, and we are still chatting via msg and are committed to keep our connection - we plan to see each other again soon (we live on the opposite side of the world form each other). So rather than age, I think it is a similar maturity/disposition or even outlook that helps people born in different decades click.

About Doms seeking young subs... I asked a very close connection of mine why he preferred younger subs and he said it was because he is able to fulfill their needs better. He's a carer and likes to guide and nurture. I'm sure some get an ego boost and prefer pretty, tight bodies but I know that this Dom in particular is true to his words. For the first time it actually made me feel like I was missing out...lol. I'm not a sub, it's not my nature, and sometimes it plagues me because I feel like I am doomed to play the dominant femme fatale. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious. I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub, especially for the right person. Sometimes.

 

[Farawyn]

Racy. Why do you think subs are not independent and rebellious?

 

[barefootgirl69]

Racy. Why do you think subs are not independent and rebellious?

That's exactly what I was going to ask! You beat me to it!

Racy, please explain what you mean by this..

"I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub"

I am under the assumption you are neither Dom nor sub, so I am wondering what you really know about submissives. It is coming across that you think subs are dependent, obedient, and weak.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I'm interested in the answer to this myself.

 

[SimpleGifts]

"I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub"

I am under the assumption you are neither Dom nor sub, so I am wondering what you really know about submissives. It is coming across that you think subs are dependent, obedient, and weak.

Not Racy of course, but I'll point out that many subs are selectively vulnerable. They are willing to put themselves in a vulnerable position with the right partner. I think it would be difficult to be submissive if you NEVER allow yourself to be vulnerable.

I also, however, believe that real intimacy involves making oneself vulnerable to achieve a deep, trusting relationship...so anyone who refuses to be vulnerable, including dominants, would be incapable of real intimacy.

The part about independence and rebelliousness confuses me too, though.

SG

 

[Farawyn]

Not Racy of course, but I'll point out that many subs are selectively vulnerable. They are willing to put themselves in a vulnerable position with the right partner. I think it would be difficult to be submissive if you NEVER allow yourself to be vulnerable.

I also, however, believe that real intimacy involves making oneself vulnerable to achieve a deep, trusting relationship...so anyone who refuses to be vulnerable, including dominants, would be incapable of real intimacy.

The part about independence and rebelliousness confuses me too, though.

SG

I think to be vulnerable takes strength. Well said.

 

[barefootgirl69]

Not Racy of course, but I'll point out that many subs are selectively vulnerable. They are willing to put themselves in a vulnerable position with the right partner. I think it would be difficult to be submissive if you NEVER allow yourself to be vulnerable.

I also, however, believe that real intimacy involves making oneself vulnerable to achieve a deep, trusting relationship...so anyone who refuses to be vulnerable, including dominants, would be incapable of real intimacy.

The part about independence and rebelliousness confuses me too, though.

SG

As you've pointed out, opening up to someone makes anyone vulnerable. You don't have to be a sub to be vulnerable. You've made my point.

 

[Blue]

Racy. Why do you think subs are not independent and rebellious?

That's exactly what I was going to ask! You beat me to it!

Racy, please explain what you mean by this..

"I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub"

I am under the assumption you are neither Dom nor sub, so I am wondering what you really know about submissives. It is coming across that you think subs are dependent, obedient, and weak.

I think she's just saying that she couldn't stand being in the reverse position where she's being told what to do. And perhaps with the vulnerability phrase she might mean the certain trust/vulnerability combination that comes with some aspects of the submissive role as opposed to the dominant one. 'Cause even with all the talk we have here about trust and responsibility and interpersonal dynamics and stuff in D/s, that isn't going to mean squat if you let a partner restrain you limbs and they decide to abuse that. There's a clear divide between the actual, present, vulnerability of either partner in that situation.

However, it does sound like you (Racy) think that PYL's can't be coddled and pampered?

 

[Oldenburg]

R

Hi Sub ( little wave there) I've not had time to read all the replies ( but I'm going to make time tomorrow as its a very good topic.) I have no sub friends sadly..

I've met both my Master online, built trust over time one took 6 months and the other 2 month ( with my current one)

What I really struggle with is the non physical side, as sadly words don't mean also to me... As my first master let me down massively.. Sadly can't talk about my current Master.. I need commands and the person standing in front of me... Or they mean jack...

Distance is a huge problem also..

G x

 

[Oldenburg]

Not Racy of course, but I'll point out that many subs are selectively vulnerable. They are willing to put themselves in a vulnerable position with the right partner. I think it would be difficult to be submissive if you NEVER allow yourself to be vulnerable.

I also, however, believe that real intimacy involves making oneself vulnerable to achieve a deep, trusting relationship...so anyone who refuses to be vulnerable, including dominants, would be incapable of real intimacy.

The part about independence and rebelliousness confuses me too, though.

SG

Absolutely well said...

G x

 

[Iamsubmissive]

So rather than age, I think it is a similar maturity/disposition or even outlook that helps people born in different decades click.

About Doms seeking young subs... I asked a very close connection of mine why he preferred younger subs and he said it was because he is able to fulfill their needs better. He's a carer and likes to guide and nurture. I'm sure some get an ego boost and prefer pretty, tight bodies but I know that this Dom in particular is true to his words. For the first time it actually made me feel like I was missing out...lol. I'm not a sub, it's not my nature, and sometimes it plagues me because I feel like I am doomed to play the dominant femme fatale. Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious. I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub, especially for the right person. Sometimes.

Thanks for adding to the discussion. Good perspective on the age thing. And your friend's reason for wanting younger subs makes sense in that he is matching up what he can best contribute in the relationship with the needs his partner might have. Although, I would argue that a younger sub doesn't necessarily mean a less experienced sub because I've seen many middle aged women post that they are very new to D/s and looking for someone experienced to help guide them and explore. My question about 'younger' relates more to the age requirement than the 'newness'.

I've heard of topping from the bottom...is there such a thing as 'bottoming from the top'? On the vulnerability issue, I think a lot of PYLs think they have to be the strong, in control, dominant one to fill their role properly...which narrows the door or vulnerability. But vulnerability isn't always a weakness...it's allowing someone else to have access to all or certain parts of yourself. Sometimes that's scary, but when you truly know and trust your partner, it doesn't feel like a risk. If you wish to be 'vulnerable' with the right person I think that's a good thing and totally achievable.

*A little off topic but still kinda with the vulnerability theme: In my online relationship I felt a lot more vulnerable than I expected...I think in part due to the unknowns I've discussed before. For some reason I thought it was all me...surely he didn't feel that way. He was the one in control. He had experience I didnt. He was confident and self assured. I didn't realize until afterwards how ridiculous that theory was. He was just as vulnerable as I was in the relationship.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Hi Sub ( little wave there) I've not had time to read all the replies ( but I'm going to make time tomorrow as its a very good topic.) I have no sub friends sadly..

I've met both my Master online, built trust over time one took 6 months and the other 2 month ( with my current one)

What I really struggle with is the non physical side, as sadly words don't mean also to me... As my first master let me down massively.. Sadly can't talk about my current Master.. I need commands and the person standing in front of me... Or they mean jack...

Distance is a huge problem also..

G x

Welcome. I do hope you get to read through the thread as a lot of helpful and interesting views have been shared by everyone, IMO. Come back and post more from your own experiences too if you want. Always glad to hear and learn from others!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I also, however, believe that real intimacy involves making oneself vulnerable to achieve a deep, trusting relationship...so anyone who refuses to be vulnerable, including dominants, would be incapable of real intimacy.

Already some thumbs up given for this comment...just wanted to add min too.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

certain trust/vulnerability combination that comes with some aspects of the submissive role as opposed to the dominant one. ****** There's a clear divide between the actual, present, vulnerability of either partner in that situation.

I think that's definitely true when talking about physical vulnerability...the submissive role does often include vulnerable positions. But I think emotional vulnerabilities can apply to either side...actually some physical ones too.

 

[TheSilverLining]

[/snip] Sometimes I think it would be nice to be cared for like a sub... but, I know that after a while I would feel suffocated. I'm too independent and rebellious. I just wish sometimes I can be vulnerable like a sub, especially for the right person. Sometimes.

In defence of the above comment, I understood this to mean simply that she felt being a pyl wouldn't work for her because of the above characteristics. Not that she supposes all submissives are the opposite of independent and rebellious.

In my day-to-day life I am autonomous and expected to be very opinionated and somewhat challenging at times. I always assumed that this was one of the reasons being pyl really works for me. That old chestnut.

I do identify as pyl. However, if you asked certain parties they would almost definitely describe me as being "independent and rebellious". (Some might call it bratty, but I'm totally taking the "independence" thing and running with it)....you see my user title? Those are not my words. <grin>


ETA: The point that I failed at making here was that obviously you can't define a group of people based on a few personality traits. Surely you could find lots of pyls who would identify as being independent and rebellious, but you'll also find pyls who would consider themselves to be dependent and obedient. Kink is never one-size-fits-all.

 

[cascadiabound]

Silver lining ? Did you mean to quote Racy? I think you accidentally inserted Primalex​ as the quote author.

 

[Primalex]

Girl, seriously, you need to fix your quoting. My name in there is very confusing.