Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[Farawyn]

Oh, holy hell...that was some honesty! Good job!

Now, I'm going to share another reason 'facial outing' might be important. This is a true story...my RL best friend created a profile on a chat site somewhere (no pics, just a description of your physical appearance and likes/dislikes). Also note that she was trying to be herself but still anonymous o she lied about her location and, of course, used a fake name. So, she met a man that she had a lot in common with. Started an online relationship with dirty talking, sharing sexual fantasies, and eventually cybersex or rp or whatever to get each other off through text chat only. After a couple months of this they got comfortable enough to ask for pics of each other. So, he decided he would be brave and go first. When the pic came through, I got a hysterical phone call in the middle of the night because her online lover turned out to be her brother! No joke! She obviously didn't reciprocate in the picture sharing and debated for some time on how to end it without spilling the beans or hurting his feelings. I think shes still traumatized to this day! It happened over seven years ago.

Months without a pic?
I'm into personal chemistry as the next person, but I also need someone I can imagine doing the nasty with. If that's where it's headed.
Like, within weeks. Days.
Don't worry, I'll reciprocate. I'll go first, too.

Did her and her brother hook up after that?

 

[SilverBass]

Maybe the brother knew it was her all along?.....

Yeah, I've read some of those threads in the Fetish and Sexuality area where this would actually be a good thing!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Holy hell..... AWKWARD! So I take it she went *poof* after some kind of goodbye. And he was left wondering, whatever happened to that great gal??!!

No, she really didnt. She left him hanging for a short time while she tried to come to terms with it but eventually just told him she got freaked out at it becoming too 'real' and had to walk away. I'm sure that still wasn't a satisfying goodbye for him but what else was she gonna do?

Side note: I use to date her brother when we were younger and made the joke a few times that now we had something else in common...we both dated her brother...and kinda had sex with him! Of course, I just did it to try to lighten up the situation cuz that's just how we are with each other. She laughed about it but it REALLY wasn't funny...just broke the tension for a moment. In really drunk moments we still crack inside jokes about it but she mostly tries to block the whole thing out of her mind.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Now, I'm going to share another reason 'facial outing' might be important. This is a true story...my RL best friend created a profile on a chat... [SNIP] ... I got a hysterical phone call in the middle of the night because her online lover turned out to be her brother! No joke! She obviously didn't reciprocate in the picture sharing and debated for some time on how to end it without spilling the beans or hurting his feelings. I think shes still traumatized to this day! It happened over seven years ago.

Yes. It's just best not to know the vivid details of your brother's clown-with-red-nose-buttplug obsession while he's passing you the beets at Thanksgiving.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Months without a pic?
I'm into personal chemistry as the next person, but I also need someone I can imagine doing the nasty with. If that's where it's headed.
Like, within weeks. Days.
Don't worry, I'll reciprocate. I'll go first, too.

Did her and her brother hook up after that?

Oh, lord no! They did not hook up after that. It was actually her first and last online interaction with someone!

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Oh, lord no! They did not hook up after that. It was actually her first and last online interaction with someone!

gee..
I wonder what put her off??

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Yes. It's just best not to know the vivid details of your brother's clown-with-red-nose-buttplug obsession while he's passing you the beets at Thanksgiving.

Yes, because of this story I'm also really freaked out about having this happen to me, but I will NEVER be the first one to send a pic (also because of this story). The guy also has to write the time and date on a piece of paper he is holding because I'm super paranoid now. I don't have a brother but I do have a ton of close relatives I wouldn't want to meet up with that way.

 

[Farawyn]

Yes, because of this story I'm also really freaked out about having this happen to me, but I will NEVER be the first one to send a pic (also because of this story). The guy also has to write the time and date on a piece of paper he is holding because I'm super paranoid now. I don't have a brother but I do have a ton of close relatives I wouldn't want to meet up with that way.

I don't know how someone wouldn't know a close family member, especially a sibling, from talking. For months.
Unless someone knows ahead of time and lies.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I don't know how someone wouldn't know a close family member, especially a sibling, from talking. For months.
Unless someone knows ahead of time and lies.

Well, they probably both fabricated some of their responses (he was actually married too, but didn't divulge that info) and really, who would suspect or consider that they may be talking to their brother. It was part fantasy and you sometimes hear what you want to hear...letting your imagination fill in all the blanks to fit your fantasy. I mean, they were talking about sex stuff...not "where did you go this weekend...who were you with...tell me about your family" Ya know?

 

[SilverBass]

Well, they probably both fabricated some of their responses (he was actually married too, but didn't divulge that info) and really, who would suspect or consider that they may be talking to their brother. It was part fantasy and you sometimes hear what you want to hear...letting your imagination fill in all the blanks to fit your fantasy. I mean, they were talking about sex stuff...not "where did you go this weekend...who were you with...tell me about your family" Ya know?

I was wondering the same thing as Farawyn. In talking for months you'd think some bells would start to ring. But perhaps I am thinking that if I was to get to know someone online sexually, that I would absolutely want to get to know the real person inside. Sure, how was your weekend, where did you grow up, what are your dreams and aspirations, what are you passionate about, what did you learn from past relationships, what is your wildest sexual fantasy and etc. Even if privacy is a concern, enough details can be left out to not give away your location and identity, but when you get to know someone intimately, and if they are being truthful, the dots would start lining up. Heck, I'd think a relationship would be boring without getting to know many of these things. Unless it is just sex, then who cares? Just seems that there is even MORE reason to get to know the person from the inside out when things are kept online, as already you are coming off the deficit of never having any physical contact, you can at least get to know what is left and can be shared online.... our thoughts and dreams and history and fears and accomplishments, etc.

 

[The_gladiator]

I admit it is clearly possible, but I know my sister's writing online, even to which words she misspells, I'm pretty sure I would know, but not everyone is as good at picking up on such things.

I attach less importance on pictures than most in this thread and am honestly not sure outside of family pictures I have any of myself in the past 10 years. but, that's just me.

That being said I would not want to think of my sister being into the things I am, she presents herself as such a prude haha.

 

[cascadiabound]

I was wondering the same thing as Farawyn. In talking for months you'd think some bells would start to ring. But perhaps I am thinking that if I was to get to know someone online sexually, that I would absolutely want to get to know the real person inside. Sure, how was your weekend, where did you grow up, what are your dreams and aspirations, what are you passionate about, what did you learn from past relationships, what is your wildest sexual fantasy and etc. Even if privacy is a concern, enough details can be left out to not give away your location and identity, but when you get to know someone intimately, and if they are being truthful, the dots would start lining up. Heck, I'd think a relationship would be boring without getting to know many of these things. Unless it is just sex, then who cares? Just seems that there is even MORE reason to get to know the person from the inside out when things are kept online, as already you are coming off the deficit of never having any physical contact, you can at least get to know what is left and can be shared online.... our thoughts and dreams and history and fears and accomplishments, etc.

Hell - I am interested in all of those things with people I have on line interactions with aside from sex stuff. History, stories, dreams, what shaped you, what you care about.... these are the nubs of what we are made of:

"our thoughts and dreams and history and fears and accomplishments" SilverBass​

 

[SilverBass]

Hell - I am interested in all of those things with people I have on line interactions with aside from sex stuff. History, stories, dreams, what shaped you, what you care about.... these are the nubs of what we are made of:

"our thoughts and dreams and history and fears and accomplishments" SilverBass​

Yes, and knowing all of that would help fill in at least a bit of the void that is missing from the obvious lack of physicality. I mean talking about sex is great, but when that kind of talk is intermittent with all the other aspects of life, it makes the sexual stuff all the more personal.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I was wondering the same thing as Farawyn. In talking for months you'd think some bells would start to ring. But perhaps I am thinking that if I was to get to know someone online sexually, that I would absolutely want to get to know the real person inside. Sure, how was your weekend, where did you grow up, what are your dreams and aspirations, what are you passionate about, what did you learn from past relationships, what is your wildest sexual fantasy and etc. Even if privacy is a concern, enough details can be left out to not give away your location and identity, but when you get to know someone intimately, and if they are being truthful, the dots would start lining up. Heck, I'd think a relationship would be boring without getting to know many of these things. Unless it is just sex, then who cares? Just seems that there is even MORE reason to get to know the person from the inside out when things are kept online, as already you are coming off the deficit of never having any physical contact, you can at least get to know what is left and can be shared online.... our thoughts and dreams and history and fears and accomplishments, etc.

I don't generally share personal background info or much about my real life online. It's basically my 'inner thoughts and feelings'. You would get to know 'the real me' but not the same things I share with my friends on a normal basis...if that makes any sense. My best friend might know what I did last week, or the name of the first guy that broke my heart but she wouldn't be able to tell you why I really cried for five days straight after he left. An ex lover might know what kind of things I like to do in bed, but he wouldn't be able to tell you the size of the biggest cock I ever had in me or what it felt like being stretched that much. I would'nt have shared those details with him. Kinda goes back to how online relationships can actually be MORE intimate than RL in some ways...I don't know, it's hard to explain I guess.

 

[SilverBass]

I don't generally share personal background info or much about my real life online. It's basically my 'inner thoughts and feelings'. You would get to know 'the real me' but not the same things I share with my friends on a normal basis...if that makes any sense. My best friend might know what I did last week, or the name of the first guy that broke my heart but she wouldn't be able to tell you why I really cried for five days straight after he left. An ex lover might know what kind of things I like to do in bed, but he wouldn't be able to tell you the size of the biggest cock I ever had in me or what it felt like being stretched that much. I would'nt have shared those details with him. Kinda goes back to how online relationships can actually be MORE intimate than RL in some ways...I don't know, it's hard to explain I guess.

No, I understand what you are saying, at least I think I do. Even with all your RL friends and lovers, there are some details about your life that you share with some and not with others. With online relationships, what I am talking about above is not a casual fling online relationship, but rather a relationship based on intimacy and friendship. I mean whatever they call "falling in love", or at least "liking a lot" someone online, I'd think that over time all these other things would come up. And you start developing a history together. I mean if your relationship is just online booty calls and you get off, then that is not what I am talking about.

In your very first post on this thread you talked about these "long term, serious relationships", and then you mentioned how you rely on the emotional connection of these relationships. So how is that even possible if you don't truly get to know this person?

Edit: I reread your first post and I guess those were RL relationships you were referring to, but really I think the same rules would apply online. Getting to know someone from the inside out is going to make it a much more fulfilling relationship, at least it would for me. But yes, I know then that gets us back to a subject we've already covered where at that time the emotions invested can start becoming dangerous as even the most intense online relationships can sometimes end on a dime.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Iamsubmissive]

No, I understand what you are saying, at least I think I do. Even with all your RL friends and lovers, there are some details about your life that you share with some and not with others. With online relationships, what I am talking about above is not a casual fling online relationship, but rather a relationship based on intimacy and friendship. I mean whatever they call "falling in love", or at least "liking a lot" someone online, I'd think that over time all these other things would come up. And you start developing a history together. I mean if your relationship is just online booty calls and you get off, then that is not what I am talking about.

In your very first post on this thread you talked about these "long term, serious relationships", and then you mentioned how you rely on the emotional connection of these relationships. So how is that even possible if you don't truly get to know this person?

Edit: I reread your first post and I guess those were RL relationships you were referring to, but really I think the same rules would apply online. Getting to know someone from the inside out is going to make it a much more fulfilling relationship, at least it would for me. But yes, I know then that gets us back to a subject we've already covered where at that time the emotions invested can start becoming dangerous as even the most intense online relationships can sometimes end on a dime.

Maybe I can explain it better than I tried to do a min ago. In RL people experience things first hand with you and gauge your reactions and feelings accordingly. You don't normally sit down and 'discuss' what just happened, describe it to each other and talk about how that made you feel. It's not necessary, seems redundant, but at the same time you don't 'really' know for certain exactly what thoughts were in each others head.

Online, if you're referring to something that happened to you, you will probably skip, or skim over, all the unnecessary details (that a RL person witnessed) and focus mainly on what you thought or how you felt about it. So they're getting your personal perspective on it.

Plus, there are some deep rooted feelings or hidden desires that you maybe wouldn't want your RL friends to know. But online you would want to share it because your trying to 'connect' in an honest and real way.

Sure, later down the line you would probably share more of your RL with an online person, but how much further down the line depends on the person...your level of comfort and trust. For some, that could take a week or months, for others it could take a year or years.

Eh, maybe I can't do a better job of explaining it. I know what I'm thinking in my head but...

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Also, have you ever known someone practically your whole life, then one day you learn some surprising news and you're like, "wow. I never would have guessed he would do something like that!"? Kinda that too. You'd be surprised how much you don't know about something/someone you think you know very well.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[RedSilk69]

Oh, holy hell...that was some honesty! Good job!

Now, I'm going to share another reason 'facial outing' might be important. This is a true story...my RL best friend created a profile on a chat site somewhere (no pics, just a description of your physical appearance and likes/dislikes). Also note that she was trying to be herself but still anonymous o she lied about her location and, of course, used a fake name. So, she met a man that she had a lot in common with. Started an online relationship with dirty talking, sharing sexual fantasies, and eventually cybersex or rp or whatever to get each other off through text chat only. After a couple months of this they got comfortable enough to ask for pics of each other. So, he decided he would be brave and go first. When the pic came through, I got a hysterical phone call in the middle of the night because her online lover turned out to be her brother! No joke! She obviously didn't reciprocate in the picture sharing and debated for some time on how to end it without spilling the beans or hurting his feelings. I think shes still traumatized to this day! It happened over seven years ago.

I have no brothers, but I have many other male relatives, and OH HELL NO... I hope she's recovering

 

[RedSilk69]

I love how thoughtful everyone is; thank you all. We're all figuring this out, and it helps to feel like we're in this together.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I love how thoughtful everyone is; thank you all. We're all figuring this out, and it helps to feel like we're in this together.

I don't know how good I am at figuring things out, but we can sit around and make some good guesses together...

 

[cookiecat]

Online only for sure can feel just as real as real life! Your heart can be filled with joy or break just as hard.

My take on why online feels more intimate than real life is that we don't take the leap to say these really intimate things to people face to face. It scared me to be that revealing, that vulnerable. Online, I can't see someone's response. I can control what I write. My replies can be edited. It somehow feels safer to tell someone I've never met my fears, my secrets, my dirtiest desires.

Especially on a site like Lit vs. say - a vanilla dating site - the connection to someone's words and ideas is powerful. It fairly quickly becomes sexual.

Elle asked if there's inherently some level of pretense just because it's online. There's a computer screen or a phone in between us. I don't have to see this person's expression, be distracted by surroundings, worry about the physical stuff I worry about because we're not face to face. It's all in my head. And my pussy.

I guess I can see it both ways. I met my husband on a kink site. But - like Far and RA - my goal then was to meet. I never wanted online only. Getting to know the husband online gave me a sense of who he was. On the flip side, I have created such unrealistic personas for people I've talked to online that when we met, it was a huge letdown.

I remember clicking with this one guy online. We messaged, then IM'd and then talked on phone. I felt so close to him in such a short time. When he showed up for a real life meeting, he was wearing a cape, he did a magic trick at the table and he had awful teeth. I tried so hard to focus on the feelings he brought out in me but I couldn't. I felt shallow and guilty but it was a good lesson to keep those pussy feelings in check.

Online only does fill a void. But - for me - it also allowed me to hide. I didn't have to face the stuff that creates intimacy and history and memories. Which, frankly, for a time felt pretty safe. I can be perfect online and I can create this perfect image of him. I can't smell him, he can't touch my unshaven legs, he can't see me ugly cry, I don't have to see he wears crocs. I can just be caught up solely in the feelings.

After a time, especially as I had more real life kinky and D/s experiences, online wasn't fulfilling. I wanted hands on me. I wanted to be humiliated by a guy in crocs.

Way back when I was new (a million years ago) and exploring online, I'll admit I smacked my own ass or put clothespins on my nipples as I "talked" to someone and it made me crazy wet and having those insane orgasms did make me feel close to the person on the other end of the conversation. But once I felt someone else do that to me in person, I couldn't go back to online only, even if I wanted the emotional connection. Does that make sense?

Now, I see online relationships in a whole different light. Perhaps the way we look at online depends on where we're at in our life?? Because of my personal situation, I want online only. I don't want a relationship. I use online as masturbation fodder. I don't even want to see someone's picture. That ruins it for me. I want it all in my head, I only want words that connect to my cunt. I don't want to know the person other than in that moment. It's just an orgasm, a release.

Giant late-night ramble over...

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cookiecat]

the whole typing thing does get in the way...