Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[SilverBass]

This is it. It may not fix the situation for that person but it could give them a nice ego boost to temporarily make them feel better. Also, after so many rejections one might start "trying on" some new things to get more approval.

Oh I totally understand the motivation as well, but motivation or not, it is not cool to misrepresent yourself to others, even if you are motivated or have a good personal reason to do so. So yeah, from a one-sided point of view it makes great sense, though there are two sides here and what make sense for one is often being selfish to the other. I figure it is best to consider your partner as well in these kinds of situations.

 

[The_gladiator]

Oh I totally understand the motivation as well, but motivation or not, it is not cool to misrepresent yourself to others, even if you are motivated or have a good personal reason to do so. So yeah, from a one-sided point of view it makes great sense, though there are two sides here and what make sense for one is often being selfish to the other. I figure it is best to consider your partner as well in these kinds of situations.

I don't disagree with you but sometimes it allows you to get a foot in the door. if people just see my disability then that's all they see they don't look beyond that. Sad to say that, but its true. So if They get to know the person before they see the disability is that really such a problem? would knowing the disability exists later change how they feel, if it does they're kind of shallow.

 

[SilverBass]

I myself in rl have a disability, I cannot hide it, it is instantly visible. When someone dates me in the real world they will instantly know. When I am online especially here, I don't talk about it, I don't mention it. Is that being dishonest, no, its not. I don't deny it, and in fact if someone hunts up my back catalogue of posts I have even talked about it on the open forum, though generally I talk about it only in private with those I trust and who I feel need to know. But for that one moment I can be thought of as something other than my disability. Its so easy for people to say that there is someone for everyone and someone will accept you for who you are, but I sometimes feel these people have not lived for example with a disability, been of a minority group or really had people judge them for one thing or another, sometimes the pull to escape that is strong.

.

I think you are talking apples and oranges. Not being up front about a disability is not misrepresenting yourself. I just mentioned that I was bald (I know, a non-issue but it bugged me a while back) and by not mentioning this online it does not mean I am being dishonest, but if I was to share a photo with a full head of hair then I would be dishonest, unless I was wearing a toupee, I guess that still counts as hiar! And I realize that some people have a much tougher time finding a partner, but does that mean you actually DO misrepresent yourself in order to find one? How do you know the other person's story? Tough time or not, misrepresenting, unless you are role playing where it is expected or assumed, is just not cool.

 

[SilverBass]

I don't disagree with you but sometimes it allows you to get a foot in the door. if people just see my disability then that's all they see they don't look beyond that. Sad to say that, but its true. So if They get to know the person before they see the disability is that really such a problem? would knowing the disability exists later change how they feel, if it does they're kind of shallow.

Yes, I can understand what you are saying, and really it is like a Catch 22 situation. You just want to be given a chance but your disability sometimes prevents you from even that. I think that is similar to someone having an STD. You don't always want to admit that up front, but really if the relationship goes beyond anything casual and non-physical and/or short term, then it should be mentioned (OK, not necessary for online only). Certainly there are exceptions to everything and I am just talking generally here. Not considering special circumstances like what you have brought up, but really I'm just talking about fibbing to get more attention or to increase chances for success based on a lie, as it is commonly applied.

 

[The_gladiator]

I think you are talking apples and oranges. Not being up front about a disability is not misrepresenting yourself. I just mentioned that I was bald (I know, a non-issue but it bugged me a while back) and by not mentioning this online it does not mean I am being dishonest, but if I was to share a photo with a full head of hair then I would be dishonest, unless I was wearing a toupee, I guess that still counts as hiar! And I realize that some people have a much tougher time finding a partner, but does that mean you actually DO misrepresent yourself in order to find one? How do you know the other person's story? Tough time or not, misrepresenting, unless you are role playing where it is expected or assumed, is just not cool.

fair enough, my post was more to show the slippery slope nature of things and how there is no one good answer or way to be online.
I agree with you. I am on a site where my pictures are 10 years old and I have more hair and am a lo lighter and yes I feel sort of bad misrepresenting myself that way. However I have also had dating profiles where I did not mention my disability and then when people find out about it they accuse me of misrepresenting myself, so when I wrote that I was thinking of that though like you said to some like you and I it might be apples and oranges, but to others its apples to apples.

 

[cascadiabound]

I have seen many many posts of men complaining of being "fooled" by men posing as women here and on other on line sites. There is one case rather famous here in Lit land where a male user set up an alt account that appeared to be a female and duped many many men for over a year. When it finally came out that the two accounts both belonged to the same person that person was a man, there were many people who were quite upset, both male and female.

I think it is one thing to role play a character - an alien, a superhero, the opposite gender, for a limited encounter, but quite another thing to do so over a longer period of time. And - in this on-line world, I am not sure you can ever be sure when a transient encounter is going to become one that you care about maintaining. At least for me - like SilverBass - I am who I am all the time. It is mostly too much work for me to pretend to be something I am not. But I think that what upsets people is that when they discover that the person is not who they pretended to be (male not female for instance) that is a breach of trust. All of these interactions occur in our heads - at least until they convert to RL meet-ups - and so what you tell people matters. It is the basis of the relationship you develop.

I have also talked to people who were very upset with Doms who they thought they were exclusive with, or who they thought were single - only to feel deeply betrayed when they discovered they were instead one of several of many subs said Dom had on a string, or the Dom was married. These are betrayals of a different sort, but undermine trust, I think, in the same way as telling someone that they are female when they are male. Or vis versa.

 

[The_gladiator]

Yes, I can understand what you are saying, and really it is like a Catch 22 situation. You just want to be given a chance but your disability sometimes prevents you from even that. I think that is similar to someone having an STD. You don't always want to admit that up front, but really if the relationship goes beyond anything casual and non-physical and/or short term, then it should be mentioned (OK, not necessary for online only). Certainly there are exceptions to everything and I am just talking generally here. Not considering special circumstances like what you have brought up, but really I'm just talking about fibbing to get more attention or to increase chances for success based on a lie, as it is commonly applied.

definitely a catch 22

I wonder if sometimes it depends on intent, why do people do what they are doing. Sometimes that matters. If I created an alt that was a female persona, I think it would somehow be better if I was doing it to experiment to see if I might really be transgender than if I did it just to lead on and make fun of horny guys.

 

[MeekMe]

I dunno, some people rely on misrepresentation for work. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/wo...ugly-truth-behind-my-perfect-model-shots.html
I found this because this conversation reminded me of a little article I found about a very pretty woman on instagram. She posted a picture with #wokeuplikethis, which is true. But when another girl commented and said she wished she was as naturally beautiful as her, she commented to the girl that a lot of work went into her face to "wake up like this." Plastic surgery being one of the many reasons. Her honesty was appreciated. In many ways we're all "misrepresenting" on the internet. My AV is really me and I don't look like that today. I'm at home, no makeup, hair dirty and in a bun and I'm wearing faded comfortable house clothes. I think it's safe to assume that each and every person we come across online is going to try and represent themselves as the best they possibly can.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

I dunno, some people rely on misrepresentation for work. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/wo...ugly-truth-behind-my-perfect-model-shots.html
I found this because this conversation reminded me of a little article I found about a very pretty woman on instagram. She posted a picture with #wokeuplikethis, which is true. But when another girl commented and said she wished she was as naturally beautiful as her, she commented to the girl that a lot of work went into her face to "wake up like this." Plastic surgery being one of the many reasons. Her honesty was appreciated. In many ways we're all "misrepresenting" on the internet. My AV is really me and I don't look like that today. I'm at home, no makeup, hair dirty and in a bun and I'm wearing faded comfortable house clothes. I think it's safe to assume that each and every person we come across online is going to try and represent themselves as the best they possibly can.

but doesn't this also happen all the time in real life too? did I not go to an interview earlier this week and dress up, made sure I didn't swear, and made sure to shave that day? I am portraying an image I want the interviewer to see. I wouldn't go unshaven in jeans and a t-shirt swearing like a sailor. Society is full of examples of this.

 

[The_gladiator]

Cross post

great minds think alike because I posted something almost exactly the same myself haha

 

[MeekMe]

Cross post

Yep, I sat across from someone at lunch one day and she said, "OMG you have such nice skin!" She didn't believe that I was wearing makeup until I wetted a napkin and wiped my face. I told her if she could see my eye lashes then I was wearing makeup.

 

[The_gladiator]

Yep, I sat across from someone at lunch one day and she said, "OMG you have such nice skin!" She didn't believe that I was wearing makeup until I wetted a napkin and wiped my face. I told her if she could see my eye lashes then I was wearing makeup.

its not just visual. A lot of us spend a lot of money trying to smell nicer than we really do in reality also.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SilverBass]

definitely a catch 22

I wonder if sometimes it depends on intent, why do people do what they are doing. Sometimes that matters. If I created an alt that was a female persona, I think it would somehow be better if I was doing it to experiment to see if I might really be transgender than if I did it just to lead on and make fun of horny guys.

But even with intent, if you are the other person, how much does it matter the reasons in which you were deceived? I guess that all depends on how understanding that person is. I understand the lie to get you in the door but it should be corrected soon, especially if some kind of connection is being made. Granted if it is not something that matters anyway (like an STD for an online only relationship) then really it never needs to be brought up if you don't want to, as it does not apply.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

may I go out on a limb here and just say that my av really is me, too?
I am a verifiable brick wall..

Ok, a little cracked, but still standing and completely capable of keeping everyone away from my crazy.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

Pretty sure there is s thread where a woman tried the opposite and posted about it. Not sure where....

the internet really does offer up so many opertunities to be things we might not be in real life. sometimes as we've discussed it is harmful, but sometimes its more innocent. My online persona is less argumentative, and maybe even more romantic, sometimes less sarcastic. So are those things dishonest not always sometimes it allows me to try out new ways of being that I'd really like to be in person. I have more of a filter online than in real life.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[cascadiabound]

Confession time.......

I am not 97% unicorn.


( the real percentage slipped recently and I am fearing it may only ever recover to 96 percent, but ninety seven is a lovelier number)

Confession - I am not as thin or as young as my AV. I am also not a painting.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Confession time.......

I am not 97% unicorn.


( the real percentage slipped recently and I am fearing it may only ever recover to 96 percent, but ninety seven is a lovelier number)

someone mention "unicorn"?

https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/51/Oryx_gazella_%28unicorn%29.jpg/220px-Oryx_gazella_%28unicorn%29.jpg

 

[The_gladiator]

Hi dearest !

I too am me. I ( and G) have met litsters in both countries, have some cross over with real life with some, it would not only be exhausting to maintain but impossible. but I don't bring everything here.


Ok, for a bit of on topic, isn't some of some people's BDSM ' play'. Some ... and I am trying to phrase this in a way I mean, and that does not come over as disrespectful, but involving some ' assumption' of role too? So is there some ' gradient' possibility for some?

I agree with you
I could take on the role of a submissive or dominant with someone full time online but would have a lot of difficulty being fulltime with them in person, because I am a switch sometimes I want to get away from that role, heck sometimes I'd want to be just vanilla but sometimes I've interacted with someone online where our interaction online is exclusively me being the dominant because they are fully submissive, sometimes online allows us to more easily have a narrower focus, perhaps?

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[The_gladiator]

Confession - I am not as thin or as young as my AV. I am also not a painting.

dammit then that means I have to admit to not really being an elf... spoiler alert