Strickly online D/s relationships...discuss, share advise

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

I agree with the 'no point in faking it', but I'm sure some people do. (I always think about those spots in some movies where the guy calls in for phone sex...he's getting all into it and the girl on the other end is responding with sexy talk while filing her nails and looking bored)

The hairbrush story was hilarious! Thanks for sharing that!

The only title I don't have a problem using is "Sir". But that's probably because I was raised to use Sir and Ma'am ALWAYS when 'addressing my elders' as a sign of respect. it's just kinda like second nature now.

I will use "Sir" in general conversation to denote respect for the most part. I do it everyday. On occasion, it's been used by me more as a derisive because the guy was a total ass, and he needed to hear how little respect I had for him at the time.
As in "Yes Sir! Thank you Sir! Kindly go fuck yourself, sir! *Raises eyebrow*


Some of it seems a bit ridiculous, especially if you've really done nothing to deserve the respect. (I practically choke when I'm talking to people I work with and feel obligated in someway to call them "Sir.")

As far as a lover goes, I will call you "Sir" if you've earned the respect. If you haven't, you're just gonna be, "yo, dude... I would *hope* that by the time we got to a lover stage, we would already have mutual respect, and it becomes a non issue.


Some might call that being "bratty", and perhaps it is, but while I used to be "everyone starts at 10 and works their way down", I'm now more of the mindset that " everyone starts at 0, and has to earn my deference."

 

[Iamsubmissive]

What I mean by poof is the following: little or no warning (one or no indication at all). No explanation. At all. And NO ABILITY whatsoever to contact the person because all of the prior contact points are disabled OR the other person simply does not respond to communication at all.

That is my definition as well. If someone expresses their wish to end things, politely or cruelly, even if the other person doesn't want to accept it, then your 'disappearance' was not a *poof*. Igoring someone who is unwilling to let go might be necessary eventually, but they couldn't honestly say they didn't know what happened to you. They know...you told them...they just didn't want to believe it.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I've faked it. I've used the internet as a way just to get off. So when someone says "are you naked?" and I'm in my pj's eating an oreo inbetween masturbating and typing, I'll say "yes, of course."

See, I knew someone would fess up to 'faking it' sooner or later. Honesty on the faking it!

Also, your other advice was good. And the breakfast meet up story was a good example of how different each person in the relationship can view things. You thought of it as a date (and I probably would have too) but he thought of it as real time opportunity for kinky stuff. What's that saying...men are from Mars, women are from...somewhere else...

 

[Iamsubmissive]

On occasion, it's been used by me more as a derisive because the guy was a total ass, and he needed to hear how little respect I had for him at the time.
As in "Yes Sir! Thank you Sir! Kindly go fuck yourself, sir! *Raises eyebrow*

Ah, the 'sarcastic sir'...only to be confused for the 'respectful sir' by the dimwits that usually receive it.

 

[SilverBass]

Edit! Wrote a lame old story and wanted to get rid of it.

 

[Azuldrgon]

I am mainly interested in the emotional impact on subs, but welcome input from Doms as well (it wold be nice to hear how things worked from their end). And also, the following:
How did you find the right Dom online and build 'real trust'?
How do you deal without the physical connection or intermittent contact?
Is it satisfying but you still feel really lonely?
Did you get bored? Or fall in love?
How long did it last? Why did it end?
What are some of the things that worked? And what were some of your fears?

I hope at least some people feel comfortable enough to share or even voice their own concerns. I'm interested in hearing about good or bad experiences.

1. I was recruited by a sub to become her dom after we have spent considerable time on the board. In order for us to do our thing, we used YIM initially before moving to phone. It took patience not only to build trust, but to learn what to do. There is no "Dom for Dummies" book out there.
2. An online relationship of this dynamic is just like any other online relationship. You put into it what you can and get what you can out of it.
3. It was satisfying in a way, but it was also addictive, so much that I needed it. It's hard to describe, but you get addicted to hearing the sub's voice, her moans, her responses.....
4. I didn't get bored with her. But I can't say i fell in love either. It fell apart because we grew apart due to real life. It's one of the reasons I always make a point that real life always comes first regardless.

Since then, I found that if I ever found a willing partner, I prefer voice to typing. Just my thing really.I also like my dom voice. I also discovered that to do that requires you let your partner in close. This became a fear of mine because I am normally a very private person. It's one reason I rarely show a face pic on here or allow myself to be too comfortable. It takes a ton more now to allow people to get close to me.

Simple advice?
-Give what you can and what you are willing to. Do not allow yourself to give more than you want to.
-Follow your gut. If it feels wrong, it is.
-Remember that you need to take care of you above all else.

I found this thread on accident. I normally don't share because I have been hurt in the past, but felt like I had to this time. One relationship almost ended my Lit time because she was too close and broke many rules I set out. I don't pick partners easily nor do i play around like that because of it.

 

[Farawyn]

See, I knew someone would fess up to 'faking it' sooner or later. Honesty on the faking it!

Also, your other advice was good. And the breakfast meet up story was a good example of how different each person in the relationship can view things. You thought of it as a date (and I probably would have too) but he thought of it as real time opportunity for kinky stuff. What's that saying...men are from Mars, women are from...somewhere else...

Ah, the 'sarcastic sir'...only to be confused for the 'respectful sir' by the dimwits that usually receive it.

I like you. Thanks for your great threads and easy humor.

 

[SilverBass]

OK here is a question for y'all. Question for either the subs or Doms out there who have enjoyed both RL and online-only BDSM relationships. Compared to RL, how rewarding have your online only experiences been? I'm not talking about when or if things go sour, but during the beginning and meat of the relationship. Is it fun, sexy, emotional, rewarding, all of the above? Is it satisfying? Does is adequately feed your desire to submit and to Dominate? Have you been active in RL but found online-only to be lacking, or even better in some way? And most importantly, with BDSM and really all of sexuality with a partner being so physically based, how do you cope when completely eliminating all physical touch with your partner?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Simple advice?
-Give what you can and what you are willing to. Do not allow yourself to give more than you want to.
-Follow your gut. If it feels wrong, it is.
-Remember that you need to take care of you above all else.

I found this thread on accident. I normally don't share because I have been hurt in the past, but felt like I had to this time. One relationship almost ended my Lit time because she was too close and broke many rules I set out. I don't pick partners easily nor do i play around like that because of it.

I'm glad you found this thread. Every new story I hear adds a tiny bit more insight. this is a great learning tool. I think the word "addictive" is important to note. A few people may not have used that word, but their description was equal to that. I think there is even scientific data that explains this...certain endorphins released, triggers the brain to react similar to a drug...it makes sense that it could be addictive. I also think that's probably not something people are aware of or consider when starting this type of journey. And that's probably a pretty important factor! (It's not like there's a warning label attached to the side of this bottle)

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I like you. Thanks for your great threads and easy humor.

Aww...thanks!

 

[Iamsubmissive]

OK here is a question for y'all. Question for either the subs or Doms out there who have enjoyed both RL and online-only BDSM relationships. Compared to RL, how rewarding have your online only experiences been? I'm not talking about when or if things go sour, but during the beginning and meat of the relationship. Is it fun, sexy, emotional, rewarding, all of the above? Is it satisfying? Does is adequately feed your desire to submit and to Dominate? Have you been active in RL but found online-only to be lacking, or even better in some way? And most importantly, with BDSM and really all of sexuality with a partner being so physically based, how do you cope when completely eliminating all physical touch with your partner?

All good questions, similar to the opening post. So, I can't really answer all of that...with my newness to the online thing. I will say I think they are very different, at least for me. RL is obviously better in that it's 'really happening'...all five senses are being used, it's more tangible. Online is, of course, lacking the physical contact so it's mostly mental/emotional...and I guess a bit more mysterious, which makes it exciting in a different way. But, for me, BDSM is more mental than physical anyway so the lack of physical touch isn't that big of a deal. Also, I find RL and online to be opposite in regards to emotions...in RL I have to have strong feelings for my partner BEFORE any BDSM or intimate stuff happens. Online, from my one experience, deeper feelings happened BECAUSE of the intimate stuff and power exchange. Don't know if that's common for other people, but that's how it is for me...

 

[Primalex]

What everyone needs to remember is that there are always two sides.

Yes. The rapist had a bad childhood, we need to consider this.

This kind of thing happens ALL the time in RL and online.

This is not an argument. All the time children starve to death in the world, this cannot be used as an argument that it is completely normal, acceptable and reasonable that a child starves in the USA - it especially cannot be used to condone the parents.

So what do you do? *POOF* Now, you don't think you just went *POOF* as you gave plenty of notification and were gently and polite about it. The other person just doesn't get it, so all that is left is you disappeared.

So, in 1% of the situations it is justified to go poof without break-up and in 1% of the situations the other person just didn't get the break-up. If you are happy, I will confirm the existence of such situations.

We are talking about the remaining 98% though.

A gentle and slow break up to one often comes off as a devastating and sudden blow to the other.

First of all, break-ups do come up as sudden often, because you rarely have mind-readers. It might not be unexpected, but it often is sudden. This is due to the nature that it is a unilateral declaration of intent.

There is no logical correlation though that you imply. Even worse, you take the fact that the break-up is sudden to argue that there was a break-up in the first place. "Unicorns have a horn" cannot be used to prove the existence of unicorns, even if the former statement is true.

There is also no correlation between the emotional impact of a break-up ("devastating") and whether there was a break-up in the first place or not.

 

[Primalex]

Ah, the 'sarcastic sir'...only to be confused for the 'respectful sir' by the dimwits that usually receive it.

Not to be confused with the 'bratty sir', which is a 'sarcastic sir' with the amendment of "but if you grab me, push me against the wall, force my panties down and fuck me right now and there, I'm gonna cum so hard and not call the cops".

 

[Farawyn]

Not to be confused with the 'bratty sir', which is a 'sarcastic sir' with the amendment of "but if you grab me, push me against the wall, force my panties down and fuck me right now and there, I'm gonna cum so hard and not call the cops".

This works.

 

[RubenesqueAphrodite]

Not to be confused with the 'bratty sir', which is a 'sarcastic sir' with the amendment of "but if you grab me, push me against the wall, force my panties down and fuck me right now and there, I'm gonna cum so hard and not call the cops".

yeah, I'm not a brat, then. I'm just a bitch...Lol
And I'd call the cops.
I don't like violence.
Ammo isn't cheap.

If you can't eat it, don't kill it. Last time is checked, "Dick with a side of braised ballsack" was not on Martha Stuart's list of yummy things to consume.

#sarcasm

Well, except for the part about me being a bitch.
Oh, and maybe the violence part.
I need impact therapy..Stat.
Geesh..It's Monday..

 

[SilverBass]

Yes. The rapist had a bad childhood, we need to consider this.



This is not an argument. All the time children starve to death in the world, this cannot be used as an argument that it is completely normal, acceptable and reasonable that a child starves in the USA - it especially cannot be used to condone the parents.




So, in 1% of the situations it is justified to go poof without break-up and in 1% of the situations the other person just didn't get the break-up. If you are happy, I will confirm the existence of such situations.

We are talking about the remaining 98% though.




First of all, break-ups do come up as sudden often, because you rarely have mind-readers. It might not be unexpected, but it often is sudden. This is due to the nature that it is a unilateral declaration of intent.

There is no logical correlation though that you imply. Even worse, you take the fact that the break-up is sudden to argue that there was a break-up in the first place. "Unicorns have a horn" cannot be used to prove the existence of unicorns, even if the former statement is true.

There is also no correlation between the emotional impact of a break-up ("devastating") and whether there was a break-up in the first place or not.

Clearly you have a problem understanding the meaning of my post.

 

[SilverBass]

All good questions, similar to the opening post. So, I can't really answer all of that...with my newness to the online thing. I will say I think they are very different, at least for me. RL is obviously better in that it's 'really happening'...all five senses are being used, it's more tangible. Online is, of course, lacking the physical contact so it's mostly mental/emotional...and I guess a bit more mysterious, which makes it exciting in a different way. But, for me, BDSM is more mental than physical anyway so the lack of physical touch isn't that big of a deal. Also, I find RL and online to be opposite in regards to emotions...in RL I have to have strong feelings for my partner BEFORE any BDSM or intimate stuff happens. Online, from my one experience, deeper feelings happened BECAUSE of the intimate stuff and power exchange. Don't know if that's common for other people, but that's how it is for me...

Thanks for the answers! That is exactly the kind of info I was wondering about. Also I highlighted the most interesting part. This could also partly explain the other person's story about meeting her online Dom for the first time in a restaurant for breakfast. Others have said they treat online the same as RL, meaning possibly waiting for emotions to develop first.

Which seems to work better most of the time, the chicken or the egg? I've never had an online BDSM or any kind of online sexual relationship before (other than a singular event) but I can imagine that if I intended too, I'd rather a friendship and connection developed first. Not because I have a problem with immediate intimacy, I don't, but rather because it just hasn't been that fulfilling in any kind of deeper way. I guess what I'm saying is that it just feels better to let things build slowly rather than be influenced by the immediate intoxication that intimacy can bring. Just feels more honest and real with a slow build. However, being one who lacks experience in this area I could very well be wrong.

 

[Farawyn]

OK here is a question for y'all. Question for either the subs or Doms out there who have enjoyed both RL and online-only BDSM relationships. Compared to RL, how rewarding have your online only experiences been? I'm not talking about when or if things go sour, but during the beginning and meat of the relationship. Is it fun, sexy, emotional, rewarding, all of the above? Is it satisfying? Does is adequately feed your desire to submit and to Dominate? Have you been active in RL but found online-only to be lacking, or even better in some way? And most importantly, with BDSM and really all of sexuality with a partner being so physically based, how do you cope when completely eliminating all physical touch with your partner?

Online compared to RL... well. My real life for a long time was a cold marriage. Sadly, online only was way better.
I had a significant relationship online only that morphed out of a 10 year plus friendship. The sex was great, but we couldn't reconcile the good friends on one hand, and the lust on the other. Ultimately, both ended, and I only have loose ties to him through mutual friends. I miss the friendship, but I get it.

You guys know where I'm at now. I'm very happy with someone who started out as a friend here, then morphed into sexual and romantic. We've since met and spent time with eachother several times. So, now I would consider it a long distance relationship.
It was his words that made me love him. His voice. Since the day we met it was constant. Pure excitement.
His words on a page now, now that we've been together, are sometimes torture. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I would not consider him an online relationship any more, but I do love telling people, like my Mom, that we met on a porn site.

I have to say, with my friends, they are real friends. Not online vs. RL. I see no distinction.
My Tolkien online peeps, nursing online peeps, Lit peeps and RL friends interact seamlessly on my FB.
With me, a true connection is a connection, but the love and sex and physical touch is extremely difficult. The longing.

 

[Azuldrgon]

OK here is a question for y'all. Question for either the subs or Doms out there who have enjoyed both RL and online-only BDSM relationships. Compared to RL, how rewarding have your online only experiences been? I'm not talking about when or if things go sour, but during the beginning and meat of the relationship. Is it fun, sexy, emotional, rewarding, all of the above? Is it satisfying? Does is adequately feed your desire to submit and to Dominate? Have you been active in RL but found online-only to be lacking, or even better in some way? And most importantly, with BDSM and really all of sexuality with a partner being so physically based, how do you cope when completely eliminating all physical touch with your partner?

I hink all in all, mine have been rewarding. I find the online toi be a welcome release since I can't do much of the things I crave offline.

As to the physical, it's hard to answer. In my mind, it is satisfying and I do possess a strong imagination.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I hink all in all, mine have been rewarding. I find the online toi be a welcome release since I can't do much of the things I crave offline.

As to the physical, it's hard to answer. In my mind, it is satisfying and I do possess a strong imagination.

Just wondering...why can't you do the things you crave offline?

 

[Azuldrgon]

Just wondering...why can't you do the things you crave offline?

I have some limitations. For example, my so isn't very submissive,

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I have some limitations. For example, my so isn't very submissive,

Got it! So, it sounds like the online thing is working for you. That's encouraging to hear.

 

[SilverBass]

Got it! So, it sounds like the online thing is working for you. That's encouraging to hear.

Yeah, being limited by a partner lacking the same sexual or BDSM interests in a committed and/or monogamous relationship can be a tough one. I think having a cyber-lover is something many will allow themselves who otherwise wouldn't "cheat" on their partner in RL. Not saying this is what the previous poster is doing, but I'm sure this is VERY common.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Yeah, being limited by a partner lacking the same sexual or BDSM interests in a committed and/or monogamous relationship can be a tough one. I think having a cyber-lover is something many will allow themselves who otherwise wouldn't "cheat" on their partner in RL. Not saying this is what the previous poster is doing, but I'm sure this is VERY common.

I'm sure it is too. Then, that brings up the topic of whether people consider online activities cheating. I'm kind of on the fence about it. If you're in a committed monogamous relationship and it's something you are doing behind your partner's back, then it is at least dishonest, I think...but not a direct violation of trust. If an online relationship evolves into something serious with emotional attachment and giving a large part of yourself to someone else then, that's borderline. If the online relationship affects, changes or limits, the RL relationship, I consider that cheating. So, I guess it's a grey area depending on the circumstances.

It wouldn't bother me at all if the online activities were random one time flings for fun. Especially if it was for activities I couldn't or had no desire to perform. I would actually be thankful he could get those desires satisfied somewhere without involving me. But if my partner considered an online person to be a serious and important part of his life that he would be unwilling to let go of, I would not be happy with that situation. And probably suggest we go our separate ways so we could both find a partner that satisfied our needs more completely.

My friends use to give me a hard time because they thought I gave my boyfriends too much freedom. I never monitored their whereabouts, didn't ask for an explanation if they were busy, and didn't mind if they went our with girls that were 'just friends', even if it was an old ex. My friends would accuse me of being gullible or naive...too trusting. But I figured...I don't want to date someone I have to babysit, I don't want to be consumed by jealousy or a paranoid fear of rejection...and if I can't trust him 'now', why would I think I could trust him later on down the road when I've invested much more into the relationship? Sure, I've had it backfire and blow up in my face a time or two, but I was still thankful I 'found out when I did'. I've never regretted it.

 

[Primalex]

So, I guess it's a grey area depending on the circumstances.

It's more a grey area of personal preference. Things we like to do are not bad. Humans have a fairly flexible morale.

But if my partner considered an online person to be a serious and important part of his life that he would be unwilling to let go of, I would not be happy with that situation. And probably suggest we go our separate ways so we could both find a partner that satisfied our needs more completely.

What if he knew that person already before he met you?

My friends use to give me a hard time because they thought I gave my boyfriends too much freedom. I never monitored their whereabouts, didn't ask for an explanation if they were busy, and didn't mind if they went our with girls that were 'just friends', even if it was an old ex. My friends would accuse me of being gullible or naive...too trusting. But I figured...I don't want to date someone I have to babysit, I don't want to be consumed by jealousy or a paranoid fear of rejection...and if I can't trust him 'now', why would I think I could trust him later on down the road when I've invested much more into the relationship?

Fun fact - my wife thinks I'm not jealous enough. It seriously annoys her.