The beauty of submissive men

[eroticspank]

Humiliation

All of that was to say that while I have zero practical experience of any kind its thanks to things I've read that I've learned as much as I have about the actual thing and am intensely curious to learn and understand more (like I still don't get humiliation-that's still an asshole being an asshole to another human being to me-but apparently some people find value in it so why is that?).

I will attempt to explain humiliation since I do get turned on by a mild form of it.

I see Humiliation very similar to embarrassment. Example: You are at a bar with your gf and she says, you are good in bed in front of a group of friends. Your whole face turns red in embarrassment. She could have said, "I spank him sometimes when he is bad and harder when he is good!" with the same reaction by you, embarrassment.

From this could come any number of challenges that would also lead to Humiliation and embarrassment. Shopping for Lingerie for your gf, picking up tampons, walking down to the ice machine naked, putting on a pair of panties, made to walk naked by a group of women having coffee.

The key is the embarrassment reaction which gets the blood flowing followed by teasing and or sexual play of some kind. Later when actual release or orgasm happens it can be more intense because of the physical reactions to the humiliation. IF this becomes a regular thing, as soon as the humiliation occurs it can lead to an erection. (Spanking gets the blood flowing too and can be talked about in very much the same way.)

You don't have to be a cross-dresser to get a hard on from putting on a pair of panties either. The fact that she got you to put them on in the first place is usually embarrassing enough for some guys. Add to that a woman who can make her man hard with a light touch of his balls, etc and then he is hard. Now she can tease him about it, causing further humiliation. (Mind fuck)

Part of it is about being turned on when you don't want to or expect to, she has control over that, your erection is the evidence of that control, and it results in humiliation. There is a lot of fun sexy talk too--the mind fuck part which is also very fun.

Demeaning: To me this is not humiliation but some see it as an extreme form of it. I am talking about the Domme telling me I am "worthless" "a pig" etc. I am a confident person so that does not work with me because I know it is not true. It goes in one ear and out the other or it turns me off completely and I end up leaving. It is like shouting orders, which was mentioned above. That does nothing for me in real life and the same is true in the bedroom.

However, I am open minded. So I understand that some guys do like demeaning play and I imagine the reaction MAY be similar to what I described above regarding humiliation play. If so, great for them, but it is not for me.

I hope this explanation helps

ES

 

[Touch_72]

Personally I love your photos where you are tied up I love the photo with your hands tied in front of you.

I liked the look of the red silk rope in those shots. I'm just now wandering back into Lit and am still pretty busy with life, so working out more photo shoots is tricky... but, I still really owe that big shoot I was going to do. I haven't forgotten!

Thanks! You can always join in in the thread... if there's something you'd like to see when I do get back to it.

Damn... I feel like the guys on here who interrupt a good conversation to say nice tits

Umm... yes. Tits are nice. Nice tits.

I used rope with my sub (and he helped me) but we tied his hands further apart. I like the way your hands are tied close together.

But as everyone has heard I want to try leather bondage cuffs - for that roman soldier, captured gladiator look.

I did have leather cuffs used on me once, actually.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I liked the look of the red silk rope in those shots. I'm just now wandering back into Lit and am still pretty busy with life, so working out more photo shoots is tricky... but, I still really owe that big shoot I was going to do. I haven't forgotten!

Thanks! You can always join in in the thread... if there's something you'd like to see when I do get back to it.

Umm... yes. Tits are nice. Nice tits.

I did have leather cuffs used on me once, actually.

*scampers in* ^^ hottie! *scampers out*

 

[sub2DomFemale]

May I ask a question of the group?

 

[Veroe]

Oh wow.. What a wonderful conversation

I am so glad that this thread has taken off so well and has become a sort of a little community where we can talk about these things.

It's a fascinating discussion about the lack of Dommes - but as a woman who is over 40 and has always enjoyed a fair amount of being dominant and assertive in bed but who has only started using the word Domme in the last few months, I feel the problem is not so much the lack of dominant woman - but the fact that dominant women find it difficult to own it or see a way of being dominant that suits them.

I think that's because the naturally assertive dominant woman doesn't identify with what normal people think of as the dominatrix, and the stereotype is constantly reinforced in media as dominant woman means being an abusive ball-busting bitch. Why would any woman want to be like that all of the time in relations with men.

Of course going hand in hand with that is the stereotype of any man who wants to submit to the dominance of a woman must be a sissy and unmanly and pathetic and weak. So why would any man want to embrace that label.

What we need is much much better marketing to rebrand both female dominance and male submission.

 

[Touch_72]

*scampers in* ^^ hottie! *scampers out*

*lol* Goofball.

May I ask a question of the group?

Aren't you asking a question of the group in asking the group whether you can ask a question of the group?

Bonus points if you can say that 15 times fast.

 

[Veroe]

Bonus points if you can say that 15 times fast.

Sure.

That 15 times fast.

Now how many bonus points do I get?

 

[beardedmariner]

Will everyone please just tie me up and blindfold me already?!?

 

[Veroe]

I will attempt to explain humiliation since I do get turned on by a mild form of it.

I see Humiliation very similar to embarrassment. Example: You are at a bar with your gf and she says, you are good in bed in front of a group of friends. Your whole face turns red in embarrassment. She could have said, "I spank him sometimes when he is bad and harder when he is good!" with the same reaction by you, embarrassment.

From this could come any number of challenges that would also lead to Humiliation and embarrassment. Shopping for Lingerie for your gf, picking up tampons, walking down to the ice machine naked, putting on a pair of panties, made to walk naked by a group of women having coffee.

The key is the embarrassment reaction which gets the blood flowing followed by teasing and or sexual play of some kind. Later when actual release or orgasm happens it can be more intense because of the physical reactions to the humiliation. IF this becomes a regular thing, as soon as the humiliation occurs it can lead to an erection. (Spanking gets the blood flowing too and can be talked about in very much the same way.)

You don't have to be a cross-dresser to get a hard on from putting on a pair of panties either. The fact that she got you to put them on in the first place is usually embarrassing enough for some guys. Add to that a woman who can make her man hard with a light touch of his balls, etc and then he is hard. Now she can tease him about it, causing further humiliation. (Mind fuck)

Part of it is about being turned on when you don't want to or expect to, she has control over that, your erection is the evidence of that control, and it results in humiliation. There is a lot of fun sexy talk too--the mind fuck part which is also very fun.

Demeaning: To me this is not humiliation but some see it as an extreme form of it. I am talking about the Domme telling me I am "worthless" "a pig" etc. I am a confident person so that does not work with me because I know it is not true. It goes in one ear and out the other or it turns me off completely and I end up leaving. It is like shouting orders, which was mentioned above. That does nothing for me in real life and the same is true in the bedroom.

However, I am open minded. So I understand that some guys do like demeaning play and I imagine the reaction MAY be similar to what I described above regarding humiliation play. If so, great for them, but it is not for me.

I hope this explanation helps

ES

I've heard that explanation to why men may like receiving some teasing or embarrassment (as you call it) before. What I need to learn is why the domme or even dom feel the need to do it.

In the vanilla world when people humiliate others its out of vengefulness, negligence, or simple ignorance. So why would a domme do so to their submissive on purpose...its not vengefulness, or negligence, or ignorance in that case. That's the side I still don't understand.

Some would say its the power trip involved, the same motive as bullies on the playground...but I don't buy it. From what I learned about BDSM so far any Domme with that as their motivation is a very poor domme indeed.

That's why I always believed before that BDSM was a thinly veiled license for an asshole to act like an asshole towards another human being.

There's gotta be something more complex to it though, right?

 

[Saucyminx]

Will everyone please just tie me up and blindfold me already?!?

*fetches some navy blue rope and blindfold* Yup.

I've heard that explanation to why men may like receiving some teasing or embarrassment (as you call it) before. What I need to learn is why the domme or even dom feel the need to do it.

In the vanilla world when people humiliate others its out of vengefulness, negligence, or simple ignorance. So why would a domme do so to their submissive on purpose...its not vengefulness, or negligence, or ignorance in that case. That's the side I still don't understand.

Some would say its the power trip involved, the same motive as bullies on the playground...but I don't buy it. From what I learned about BDSM so far any Domme with that as their motivation is a very poor domme indeed.

That's why I always believed before that BDSM was a thinly veiled license for an asshole to act like an asshole towards another human being.

There's gotta be something more complex to it though, right?

Thing is, and I know this particular thread isn't about that type of play, some subs really get off on it as do some Doms/Dommes. It's never been my cup of tea, but I've been with guys and girls who have requested it. For at least one gentleman of my acquaintance , it was to make him feel more helpless, even less in control, more of a victim who couldn't stop me even if he wanted to (even though he could have with one word) --because that was what he liked. Anyway, just my experience. YMMV

 

[eroticspank]

I've heard that explanation to why men may like receiving some teasing or embarrassment (as you call it) before. What I need to learn is why the domme or even dom feel the need to do it.

In the vanilla world when people humiliate others its out of vengefulness, negligence, or simple ignorance. So why would a domme do so to their submissive on purpose...its not vengefulness, or negligence, or ignorance in that case. That's the side I still don't understand.

Some would say its the power trip involved, the same motive as bullies on the playground...but I don't buy it. From what I learned about BDSM so far any Domme with that as their motivation is a very poor domme indeed.

That's why I always believed before that BDSM was a thinly veiled license for an asshole to act like an asshole towards another human being.

There's gotta be something more complex to it though, right?

I think the explanation I made above stops completely when you talk about hurtful and vengeful. None of what I was talking about above is in any way
vengeful or hurtful. And if it was, then it totally changes the dynamics and I am not interested at all.

I can site countless examples where one partner challenges another to do something a bit outside of the box. Some of it is the stuff we used to do in College, like run down the hall naked hoping nobody sees you for example. Why did we do it? For the adrenaline rush etc, it raises the heart rate and it is fun. BUT yes there were Fraternity pledges that did the same thing and in some cases it was ABUSE, because they were made to do it by vengeful, stupid Frat brothers. Those are the type that abuse their power and that kind of "hazing" has gotten people killed.

As I mentioned above, the adrenaline rush combined with sexual activity can lead to some very intense orgasms for the sub.....and the Domme too actually.

However, that is not the reason for it. Within a relationship with a Domme who is not abusing her power, I see it as one of the little things I do for her to clearly show my sacrifice and devotion to her. When my Domme knows she has to ability to push me out of my comfort zone, even when it is embarrassing and a bit uncomfortable for me, she can get me to try new things I have never tried before. I start to evolve as a sub. My list of "hard limits" maybe even changes because of her patience and caring.

The physical turn on for me comes from the fact that the Domme has something she wants me to do that REALLY turns her on. She knows it is a bit out of my comfort zone so her mind goes through a safety check to make sure it is okay for me to do it etc ( like check the hallway for Police) then encourages me to do it. I can see in her eyes that it is safe and not vengeful but also a turn on so I get up the courage to do it and off I go.

IF I am with a Domme that does not push my limits or get me to move out of my comfort zone from time to time, I find that I get bored.

That is the best I can explain it. I know that some people see humiliation as abuse, there are no degrees of it. To me that is the same as saying giving someone pain is abuse, why would you want to spank somebody so they feel pain? It is not the pain of having your arm chopped off but to some, pain no matter what degree is abuse. Either way, talking about all of this is always good.

Thank you
ES

 

[MsAmative]

I've heard that explanation to why men may like receiving some teasing or embarrassment (as you call it) before. What I need to learn is why the domme or even dom feel the need to do it.

In the vanilla world when people humiliate others its out of vengefulness, negligence, or simple ignorance. So why would a domme do so to their submissive on purpose...its not vengefulness, or negligence, or ignorance in that case. That's the side I still don't understand.

Some would say its the power trip involved, the same motive as bullies on the playground...but I don't buy it. From what I learned about BDSM so far any Domme with that as their motivation is a very poor domme indeed.

That's why I always believed before that BDSM was a thinly veiled license for an asshole to act like an asshole towards another human being.

There's gotta be something more complex to it though, right?

Humiliation is not something I really do at all these days, but it is something I have worked with in the past. For me in some ways, its just another tool in the arsenal. For me, humiliation play = verbal humiliation and what eroticspank kind of referred to it as demeaning. Usually when I come across a sub who gets into or likes humiliation play this is what they are expecting or want from their top. I think some see it as something that gets used as a way to "show their place" or for one to have to "prove they are worthy." Sometimes it involves some sort of helplessness or lack of control. In my experience a lot of subs who desire actual humiliation in play often subscribe to the idea that the woman is superior, and therefore they are less and want or expect to be treated as such. They desire to be a lesser person or object and humiliation as just another way to get there. I think this is where you start to touch on that vengefulness you mention. I think it is very much a perspective thing, because in those moments I don't think the willing receiver would call it that. Its a hard head-space for me to get into on a personal level, and it is something I only do with partners who enjoy that type of play. At that point it is just another thing that gets enjoyed between the two of us and I enjoy feeding off the energy.

If and when I do incorporate humiliation into play its more on a physical humiliation/embarrassment level. At that point it is more submitting to my will/desire/control and not about devaluing him or his character. Humiliation or embarrassment might not have been my direct goal but it is a byproduct. There were times in the beginning where I had humiliated Lucian by taking away some of the privacy he would have expected when we prep for play. I didn't stand there in front of him thinking "humiliating him like this is hot" but the overtness of the power exchange in that moment was hot all the same. I would struggle to call it a power trip, but more of a reminder that he is giving all of himself to me which means nothing is hidden. I think that in many ways that is also that eroticspank was talking about in situations like the panties. It becomes a symbol of the power exchange. If I were to send Lucian to work in panties he would be reminded of that power exchange the whole time. Now I don't know if he would call that humiliating in that context but I think that is where perspective comes in again.

So, long story short, everything, especially this, just comes down to each individual's perspective.

 

[Veroe]

That's what I've come to understand about it. Its just hard for me to get into the mindset to understand it.

 

[Erochic]

Again another fascinating conversation. I've learned so much. I've really shied away from humiliation - because I am vehemently opposed to any kind of bullying or humiliation in real life.

Someone did mention mischievous - and some (a lot of ) my teasing has a mischievous edge ... And while it couldn't be classified as humiliation at all, I could see that there is a similar dynamic in play.

For example - one of my subs is a fairly self-possessed man. I love breaking that down - not for meanness sake but to uncover his raw animal desire, without any thought.

As an example I made him come up with a legal sounding argument as to why he should get a blowjob - and if he stopped or faltered I would stop what I was doing. It was of course a task that he was bound to fail... And yes I did enjoy his confusion and embarrassment as he struggled... But what it was about for me was the power of his desire and arousal and his helplessness before that... Because of what I was doing to him.

 

[Veroe]

Again another fascinating conversation. I've learned so much. I've really shied away from humiliation - because I am vehemently opposed to any kind of bullying or humiliation in real life.

Someone did mention mischievous - and some (a lot of ) my teasing has a mischievous edge ... And while it couldn't be classified as humiliation at all, I could see that there is a similar dynamic in play.

For example - one of my subs is a fairly self-possessed man. I love breaking that down - not for meanness sake but to uncover his raw animal desire, without any thought.

As an example I made him come up with a legal sounding argument as to why he should get a blowjob - and if he stopped or faltered I would stop what I was doing. It was of course a task that he was bound to fail... And yes I did enjoy his confusion and embarrassment as he struggled... But what it was about for me was the power of his desire and arousal and his helplessness before that... Because of what I was doing to him.

The stuff I put in bold helps me understand.

And BTW Erochic I love your legal argument idea there. That's inventive and damn hot.

 

[bailadora]

Tell me about it. It can take strength... just a different sort than most people think of when they think strength.

I've said elsewhere that strength (not necessarily physical) coupled with vulnerability has always been a huge draw for me.

From this could come any number of challenges that would also lead to Humiliation and embarrassment. Shopping for Lingerie for your gf, picking up tampons, <snip>

Bit of a hijack here, but since you specifically brought this up, I have to ask the question. Why is it that some men find it embarrassing to buy these things for the women in their lives? I know humiliation is in the eye of the beholder, but this truly and honestly baffles me. What's the BFD? Unless the cashier is a teenage boy with little self control, it's likely no one else gives a damn when that box goes across the scanner. I just don't get it.

Sorry. Just a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

 

[ARoseSoSweet]

Bit of a hijack here, but since you specifically brought this up, I have to ask the question. Why is it that some men find it embarrassing to buy these things for the women in their lives? I know humiliation is in the eye of the beholder, but this truly and honestly baffles me. What's the BFD? Unless the cashier is a teenage boy with little self control, it's likely no one else gives a damn when that box goes across the scanner. I just don't get it.

Sorry. Just a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

i gave up being embarassed about these things years ago... and i have had guys offer to buy if needed. That said, based on the cashier people I have known, they don't even notice what they are scanning.

This thread definitely is interesting in regards to the humiliation. Reading the perspectives from the subs in the group definitely helps to understand. I love the discussion with the panties - while it may not get the Domme off, it helps to remind the sub about the power exchange all day long. Its no different than a Dom having a female sub not wear underwear or some such (having a difficult time coming up with an example)

 

[Veroe]

I've said elsewhere that strength (not necessarily physical) coupled with vulnerability has always been a huge draw for me.



Bit of a hijack here, but since you specifically brought this up, I have to ask the question. Why is it that some men find it embarrassing to buy these things for the women in their lives? I know humiliation is in the eye of the beholder, but this truly and honestly baffles me. What's the BFD? Unless the cashier is a teenage boy with little self control, it's likely no one else gives a damn when that box goes across the scanner. I just don't get it.

Sorry. Just a bit of a pet peeve of mine. I now return you to your regularly scheduled program.

You'd think so, and that's probably the internal monologue the guy would be telling himself when he does try to buy his gf or wife some tampons. Then comes the look on the cashier's face when he looks up from what he just scanned the barcode of and looks at the guy.

That's the moment that a guy would dread.

The "Poor schmuck is so pussy whipped he's buying her tampons for her" look. Now if he was secure in his masculinity and completely secure in his relationship with her then he'd give the cashier back a look that says: "Damn straight I am, and proud of it. Now take my money so I can go back to my lady."

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

I think that as a switch, once I embraced that reality, I was more comfortable because I am a switch, not a pure sub. I wonder how if that is tougher for more completely submissive men at times to own it because they don't have that other side, so for them, it is a more complete surrender than it is for me. If so, I applaud the courage of those with the willingness to face that possibly harder choice and not back down from it. I think that I've had it easier than them at times.

 

[ARoseSoSweet]

The "Poor schmuck is so pussy whipped he's buying her tampons for her" look. Now if he was secure in his masculinity and completely secure in his relationship with her then he'd give the cashier back a look that says: "Damn straight I am, and proud of it. Now take my money so I can go back to my lady."

My thought to that: Hey, he has a woman in his life that he is buying tampons for. Good for him!

Just like my thoughts when I have bought condoms: Hey, i have a guy in my life and I'm having sex, go me!

Back to sub males... he is definitely buying the condoms

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

It's no issue to me. It's just proof that I care enough about the woman/women in my life to buy something so personal and private for her. Sure, I used to let it bother me, but then what are the cashiers going to think? They know I'm not buying them for myself, so logically I must be buying it for a woman. Ergo, I know and care for at least one woman enough to buy it for her and she enough for me that she doesn't mind me doing this. Not really such a problem. Is it being whipped to care that much for someone? I guess that's a matter of perspective.

 

[bailadora]

You'd think so, and that's probably the internal monologue the guy would be telling himself when he does try to buy his gf or wife some tampons. Then comes the look on the cashier's face when he looks up from what he just scanned the barcode of and looks at the guy.

That's the moment that a guy would dread.

The "Poor schmuck is so pussy whipped he's buying her tampons for her" look. Now if he was secure in his masculinity and completely secure in his relationship with her then he'd give the cashier back a look that says: "Damn straight I am, and proud of it. Now take my money so I can go back to my lady."

I guess I don't understand why anyone would give a flying fuck about what the cashier thinks in the first place. I mean, really, if he's that damn juvenile to begin with it's more a commentary on his own lack of maturity than anything else.

My own husband has never had a problem with it. My BIL, OTOH, still refuses to buy them even after being married for nearly 17 years.

At any rate, I've hijacked this thread enough. Thanks for the indulgence.

 

[bailadora]

My thought to that: Hey, he has a woman in his life that he is buying tampons for. Good for him!

Just like my thoughts when I have bought condoms: Hey, i have a guy in my life and I'm having sex, go me!

Back to sub males... he is definitely buying the condoms

It's no issue to me. It's just proof that I care enough about the woman/women in my life to buy something so personal and private for her. Sure, I used to let it bother me, but then what are the cashiers going to think? They know I'm not buying them for myself, so logically I must be buying it for a woman. Ergo, I know and care for at least one woman enough to buy it for her and she enough for me that she doesn't mind me doing this. Not really such a problem. Is it being whipped to care that much for someone? I guess that's a matter of perspective.

Like.

 

[Touch_72]

Sure.

That 15 times fast.

Now how many bonus points do I get?

You sound like my wife. Wait... ...nahhhhh...

Will everyone please just tie me up and blindfold me already?!?

Everyone? Okay. Let's tie him up and go out for pizza and beer. All in?

 

[SEVERUSMAX]

The switch in me would like to stay behind and play with him a bit, you guys go ahead......