Intellectual jokes.

[LaRascasse]

The bartender says, "We don't serve faster than light particles here."
A tachyon walks into a bar.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Possible, plausible
My black hen.
She lays eggs in the relative when.
She lays no eggs in the positive now
Because she's unable to postulate how.

This little ditty, extracted from the little classic called "A Space Child's Mother Goose" is the inspiration for my crafting blog http://probablepossible.com

Brilliant little book! I learned the difference between a cortex and a vortex;
"The cortex wraps around a core;
Alas! There isn't any vore."

and how to assess bad science, through the poem "This is the theory Jack built"

Also, the meaning of the word "hebetude."

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I thought you might have that one. Isn't it a fine bit of work? Pity it's gone out of print.


ETA: It's not, it's not out of print! Glory be, it was reprinted in May 2010. Those of you with young children or grandchildren GET THEM THIS BOOK!! And while you're at it, get a copy for yourself. It makes up an intellectual jokes thread all by itself.

 

[damppanties]

Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you. How was it for me?"

 

[Handley_Page]

Two behaviorists have sex. One turns to the other and says, "That was good for you. How was it for me?"

I heard that a slightly different way:
Two psychiatrists: one say to the other : "You're fine; how am I?"

 

[voluptuary_manque]

This is too large to post but it fits well.

 

[TE999]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Antiquaries.

Antiquaries who?

Antiquaries where I gets some cookies.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Via tumblr;

Two mathematicians walk into a bar. One orders a drink, sits down, and sighs loudly. The bartender asks “What’s wrong?"

The punchline has been left as an exercise for the reader.

And this;

 

[LaRascasse]

One for the computer nerds

Why can't you build a Python based web framework on your own?
Because it takes two to Django.

 

[oggbashan]

Marcel Duchamp, French 20th Century Artist

Q. Why has Duchamp got mud on his boots?
A. Because he is Duchamp = from the field.


Q. Why would Duchamp be a successful MP?
A. Because he gave a long interview and said nothing.


Q. Why is Duchamp a hero to the GLBT community?
A. Because he is also Rose Selavy. Dogs Trust is looking for a home for him as R Mutt.


Q. Why is Duchamp’s bicycle wheel a metaphor for the discussions on a new London Hub Airport?
A. Because it goes round and round and gets nowhere.

Q. Why is Duchamp's The Fountain a joke?
A. Because Duchamp was taking the piss.

http://farm3.staticflickr.com/2443/3705908093_9c12c9ff4b_z.jpg?zz=1

 

[Weird Harold]

Bill's cookery was not entirely successful; when he had simmered a hyena with pot-herbs, for example, he made himself a laughing stock.

 

[Harry Leg]

Q: What is the definition of Baroque?
A: When you're out of Monet.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Q: What is the definition of Baroque?
A: When you're out of Monet.

Actually, it's the other way around, chronologically speaking; once you're into Monet, you're no longer baroque.

 

[CDWilder]

Actually, it's the other way around, chronologically speaking; once you're into Monet, you're no longer baroque.

And you can now buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

 

[Harry Leg]

Q: What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

 

[damppanties]

Q: What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.

Why didn't the hot dog vendor give the Zen master his change for the $20?

Because change comes from within.

 

[Blase]

Found on Reddit.

A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, "Can you take me to where I can get scrod?" The driver replies, "I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive."

The problem with this joke as posted is that it's told wrong. "Scrod" is a regional usage: Here in New England, restaurants use it to mean a small cod or haddock (hopefully!) The joke is based on the idea that the word is unlikely to be familiar to people in other parts of the country.

In the version that I heard, the man is a New Englander visiting a Southern state: thus the unintentional ambiguity of his question prompts the cab driver's surprised response.

This is not just an intellectual joke but a regional one meant to be told in areas where the term scrod is commonly used and understood.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Why didn't the hot dog vendor give the Zen master his change for the $20?

Because change comes from within.

That's even funnier than the first joke!

 

[voluptuary_manque]

This is the best joke thread I've ever read. I must be an intellectual snob or something. Keep it up, folks.

 

[FinishTheDamnStory]

Q: What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing?

A: Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

 

[StrangeLife]

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : WO

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 220.

Discoverer : Adam

Occurance : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).

Physical Properties :
Surface usually covered with painted film.
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties :
Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
May explode spontaneously if left alone.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.
Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

Uses :
Ornamental, esp. in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)

 

[SandraMustard]

Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element : Woman

Symbol : WO

Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 93 to 220.

Discoverer : Adam

Occurance : Copius quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in suburban and rural areas. Known to occuur in small, highly concentrated deposits in Urban areas (see Shopping Mall).

Physical Properties :
Surface usually covered with painted film.
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
Melts if given special treatment.
Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches, handle with care.
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
Yields to pressure applied at correct points.

Chemical Properties :
Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum, and and many of the precious stones.
May explode spontaneously if left alone.
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
Insoluble in liquids, but displays a certain amount of increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
Repels cheap material, neutral to common sense.
Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

Uses :
Ornamental, esp. in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under certain circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Tests :
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in a natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution :
Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
Illegal to posses more than one. (Dangerous also.)

Marvelous! So many funny points.

 

[TE999]

Mary took a drink during Chemistry class,

now Mary is no more,

for what she thought was H2O,

was H2SO4.

 

[TE999]

Q. What's the fastest way of determining the sex of a chromosome?

A. Pull down its genes.

 

[TE999]

Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.