Intellectual jokes.

[OzoneRed]

There once was a fencer named Fisk
Whose sword was exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action
Fitz-Gerald contraction
reduced his rapier to a disk.

 

[TE999]

There once was a man named Ted Beebee,

who proposed to a woman named Phoebe.

She furrowed her brow,

as she wondered just how,

it would be to be Phoebe Beebee.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

The hydrogen dog and the cobalt cat
Side by side in the armory sat.
Nobody mentioned fusion or fission
But only spoke of their peace time mission.
Then one day somebody opened the door.
There they sat in a neuton fog,
The codrogen cat and the hybalt dog.
They mushroomed up in a terrible roar,
And noone was ever anywhere, anymore . . .

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Possible, plausible
My black hen.
She lays eggs in the relative when.
She lays no eggs in the positive now
Because she's unable to postulate how.

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Abstracting cube roots to infinity

An assignment for boys
That will minimize noise
And produce a more peaceful vicinity.

 

[LaRascasse]

Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases."

He doesn't react.

 

[TE999]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Isotope.

Isotope who?

Isotope there isn't a chain reaction.

 

[TE999]

Uranium, Plutonium and Radon walk into a bar and order drinks.

"I'm sorry," the bartender says, "We don't serve the unstable element here."

 

[SamScribble]

Four Oxford Dons were making their way down the street when they happened to see a group of ladies of the night.

‘Well, well, what do we have here?’ the first scholar enquired. ‘A jam of tarts perhaps?’

‘Nay,’ the second said. ‘I think we are looking at an essay of Trollope's.’

‘I would have said a flourish of strumpets,’ the third suggested.

‘No, my friends,’ the fourth concluded. ‘I fear you are all wrong. This is clearly an anthology of pros.’

 

[voluptuary_manque]

Now that's just exceptional. Well done, that Scribble!

 

[damppanties]

 

[LaRascasse]

Glasses?

 

[Handley_Page]

I called the janitor the other day to see what he could do about my dingy linoleum floor.

He said he would have been happy to loan me a polisher, but that he hadn't the slightest idea what he had done with it.

I told him not to worry about it - that as a programmer it wasn't the first time I had experienced a buffer allocation failure due to a memory error.

 

[SamScribble]

A couple of dyslexics walk into a bra ...

 

[TE999]

A canner, exceedingly canny,

once made this remark to his Granny,

"Since a canner can can anything that he can,

then a canner can can can a can, can't he?"

 

[Tx Tall Tales]

Q: Why did the Loving Wife sit in the dark?

A: She knew as soon as she screwed the light bulb, the BTB commenters would scream to have her torched, framed as a drug dealer, sold to a Mexican Bordello, gang-banged with diseased homeless people, and the pictures mailed to her ailing grandmother. Worthless whore!


Sorry.

 

[LaRascasse]

Q: Why did the Loving Wife sit in the dark?

A: She knew as soon as she screwed the light bulb, the BTB commenters would scream to have her torched, framed as a drug dealer, sold to a Mexican Bordello, gang-banged with diseased homeless people, and the pictures mailed to her ailing grandmother. Worthless whore!


Sorry.

ROFLMAO

 

[JackLuis]

How many Blonds does it take to screw in a light bulb?



Ha Ha, blonds don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in jacuzzis!

 

[LaRascasse]

When chemists die, they barium.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

I googled 'How to start a fire'. But there were no matches.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus!

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it!

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded the dough.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

 

[sr71plt]

Silly, but fun. Thanks for the morning chuckles (erp. I see that it's afternoon here already.)

 

[My I]

Obama, Hillary and the Pope walk into a bar. The bartender takes on look and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

 

[voluptuary_manque]

I think the intellectual tone is slipping a bit. Let's crank up the IQ snobbery, folks.

 

[oggbashan]

First and Second Law of Thermodynamics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnbiVw_1FNs

 

[Stella_Omega]

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
The bartender says "Don't you mean a martini?"
The Roman replies; "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"

Higgs Boson walks into a church. "We don't allow Higgs Bosons in here," the priest tells him.
"But without me," asks the particle," How could you have mass?"

Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks them; "Do all of you want a drink?"
"I don't know," says the first one. The second one also say; "I don't know." The third one says; "Yes!"

 

[voluptuary_manque]

First and Second Law of Thermodynamics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VnbiVw_1FNs

There just isn't anyone around like that any more . . . pity.