Say no

[nayia]

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse. I want him to hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head and say that today there will be no pain. I want to make love, slowly like in the romance movies. I want our bodies close, I want sweet whispered words, soft kisses, hands everywhere.

Do you ever want this? Is this part of your life? Or is it there always pain?

 

[HottieMama]

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse. I want him to hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head and say that today there will be no pain. I want to make love, slowly like in the romance movies. I want our bodies close, I want sweet whispered words, soft kisses, hands everywhere.

Do you ever want this? Is this part of your life? Or is it there always pain?

Yes....Yes... and No. My Domme is not a Sadist. She will inflict a moderate amount of pain to get me "where I need to go," but prefers more sensual/edgeplay ways to get there. When we are alone, it is almost all soft kisses and cuddles..etc... That's just how we are. I am lucky to have found someone who matches up with my needs in that regard...

 

[ViviLeigh]

Yes, I want the romance.
Yes, it's a part of my life.
No, there isn't always pain. I couldn't manage ONLY pain.

I hope you're not disappointed when he continues to give you exactly what you are asking for. Unless you have had the conversation with your man, how could he possibly know that you don't actually want what you ask for? And who knows maybe he really is a romantic but beats your ass because you tell him to.

That said, I hope you get the gentle love you want.

 

[desertslave]

Pain and sex, romance and control, affection and discipline, they're all combined almost all of the time for us. We're very snuggly sometimes. Other times he would probably seem severe to onlookers but I know the undertones (I can hear it in his voice and feel it in his touch when he checks in on me).

Pain is usually a regular player with us, I think mainly because he knows it's guaranteed to get me off. Somehow he makes it all balance out--his wants and needs, and mine--like he's reading my mind.

 

[Netzach]

I don't do the ask me refuse etc. thing, and I am sadistic.

If snuggle/make love/etc is desired then don't for fuck's sake ask me to hurt you.

If you want me to hurt you, for fuck's sake, just ask.

I would be a raving headcase completely unable to trust my partner with any level of smokescreen and games people play stuff.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse. I want him to hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head and say that today there will be no pain. I want to make love, slowly like in the romance movies. I want our bodies close, I want sweet whispered words, soft kisses, hands everywhere.

Do you ever want this? Is this part of your life? Or is it there always pain?

Do you tell him that's what you want?

As for me, there are many times when I make gentle love-- but there is always a power imbalance, a teensy bit of a struggle, a wisp of tension.

 

[YourCaptor]

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse. I want him to hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head and say that today there will be no pain. I want to make love, slowly like in the romance movies. I want our bodies close, I want sweet whispered words, soft kisses, hands everywhere.

Do you ever want this? Is this part of your life? Or is it there always pain?

Depends on the girl.

 

[submissive_fire]

Why would you ask him to hurt you, if you don't want him too? Is it because it is what you think he wants to hear?

If you never express your needs, they will never be met.

I cannot begin to imagine there only ever being pain.

 

[nayia]

It's like a kind of backwards non-consent fantasy. Acting like you don't want something but secretly wanting it.

Anyway, I feel like I wouldn't really know what to do with myself in a "softer" kind of situation. When we try it I feel confused, so I don't really ask for it much anymore. I just wonder what it would be like in an ideal world where I would know what to do and be able to relax.

 

[missgiter]

Maybe you are just saying the words he wants to hear... Sounds like you just need some conversation to make sure that your needs are being met, too. Sounds like you have some and need to express them.

Sounds like you were getting what you asked for, so just ask for something different.

It's not all pain. There's lots of other stuff too.

Good luck

 

[Stella_Omega]

It's like a kind of backwards non-consent fantasy. Acting like you don't want something but secretly wanting it.

Anyway, I feel like I wouldn't really know what to do with myself in a "softer" kind of situation. When we try it I feel confused, so I don't really ask for it much anymore. I just wonder what it would be like in an ideal world where I would know what to do and be able to relax.

Don't you mix it up some? Sex doesn't have to be all one thing only. A little slap, a little tickle... a little rough, a little gentle... a kiss, a bite...

 

[Noor]

Don't you mix it up some? Sex doesn't have to be all one thing only. A little slap, a little tickle... a little rough, a little gentle... a kiss, a bite...

Yep, I agree.

 

[desertslave]

Don't you mix it up some? Sex doesn't have to be all one thing only. A little slap, a little tickle... a little rough, a little gentle... a kiss, a bite...

This!

I think of sex as a symphony or a painting. There might be an underlying melody or sketch, but then you add the harmonies, the shading, a subtle insistent bass line or a splash of yellow. When you pull it all together, it's so much richer and satisfying.

 

[Stella_Omega]

This!

I think of sex as a symphony or a painting. There might be an underlying melody or sketch, but then you add the harmonies, the shading, a subtle insistent bass line or a splash of yellow. When you pull it all together, it's so much richer and satisfying.

This!

Also, it sounds a little bit like you're falling prey to the Fifty Shades opinion that BDSM is a way of avoiding Twu Intimacy and has to be cured. It's not.

Your sexual preferences belong to you and to nobody else. If vanilla fucking is too gentle to stir up your nerve endings, then-- tough noogies to vanilla fucking.

Romance novel sex doesn't happen much to vanilla fuckers, actually. Mostly it's a matter of him climbing on top of her and humping for a couple moments and then rolling off and falling asleep. I'm not saying the whole lovemaking enchilada doesn't also happen sometimes, but-- not nearly as often as the Romance Novels would like you to think.

 

[Loverskitten]

Romance novel sex doesn't happen much to vanilla fuckers, actually. Mostly it's a matter of him climbing on top of her and humping for a couple moments and then rolling off and falling asleep. I'm not saying the whole lovemaking enchilada doesn't also happen sometimes, but-- not nearly as often as the Romance Novels would like you to think.

Why not? Come on guys take note. While we (around here) love it rough, we also love the TLC, especially after care (soft kisses on hot flesh, yum) I'm sure if sex was more like "romance novel sex" there'd be less bitching about sexless marriages, etc.
Stroke her hair, hold her hands, tell her she's beautiful, support her head in your hand (my favorite move of an ex), look deep into her eyes, light a fucking candle once in a while, NOTICE HER (her breathing, moans, whatever) and tell her you notice these things and love them, even in a quick note the next day. Hmmm what else? Is it that hard to be more romantic?


Edited to add: I'm used to (want again) a loving Dominant Man some may not, also I agree with y'all that I wouldn't ask for pain if I just need some sweet pets =^..^=

 

[nayia]

Stroke her hair, hold her hands, tell her she's beautiful, support her head in your hand (my favorite move of an ex), look deep into her eyes, light a fucking candle once in a while

So sweet! Maybe the problem is that I can't get my mind into it unless there's the extra pain sensation. One time, an ex whispered "You're so beautiful in the moonlight" and I thought it was so sweet. It's the best sex-related memory I have.

How would you ask for something like that? It seems weird to say, "Could you compliment me?" and if I ask him to hold me it feels like he's holding me in place rather than holding me close. Does that even make sense?

 

[Stella_Omega]

So sweet! Maybe the problem is that I can't get my mind into it unless there's the extra pain sensation. One time, an ex whispered "You're so beautiful in the moonlight" and I thought it was so sweet. It's the best sex-related memory I have.

How would you ask for something like that? It seems weird to say, "Could you compliment me?" and if I ask him to hold me it feels like he's holding me in place rather than holding me close. Does that even make sense?

Like I said, mix it up. Tell him you want some tenderness mixed in with the hard stuff.

Tell him you want him to hold you close rather than hold you in place.

Tell him you want him to say "You look beautiful" rather than "You love it slut" -- once in a while.

And keep in mind, it's going to take some time, because he's learned his tricks already-- it's hard to get someone to change what he's learned that works.

 

[Loverskitten]

So sweet! Maybe the problem is that I can't get my mind into it unless there's the extra pain sensation. One time, an ex whispered "You're so beautiful in the moonlight" and I thought it was so sweet. It's the best sex-related memory I have.

How would you ask for something like that? It seems weird to say, "Could you compliment me?" and if I ask him to hold me it feels like he's holding me in place rather than holding me close. Does that even make sense?

Maybe you could show some extra tenderness yourself. Lay your head on him, hold his hand, sweet kisses down his neck.... A simple "just hold me a bit please" usually works too. Remember men are the worst at picking up hints

 

[FurryFury]

When you tell him to hurt you, sometimes you want him to refuse?!?

Communicate better.

For me, pain can be a good sensation if combined with sex or a very bad one if not. I don't ever ask for pain if I don't want it though.

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse. I want him to hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head and say that today there will be no pain. I want to make love, slowly like in the romance movies. I want our bodies close, I want sweet whispered words, soft kisses, hands everywhere.

Do you ever want this? Is this part of your life? Or is it there always pain?

 

[missgiter]

So sweet! Maybe the problem is that I can't get my mind into it unless there's the extra pain sensation. One time, an ex whispered "You're so beautiful in the moonlight" and I thought it was so sweet. It's the best sex-related memory I have.

How would you ask for something like that? It seems weird to say, "Could you compliment me?" and if I ask him to hold me it feels like he's holding me in place rather than holding me close. Does that even make sense?

Just bring it up. Tell him you need to hear things that make you feel good, too. "Hey .. sometimes I need held onto instead of in place. And knowing how much I mean to you makes me want to please you even more" Something along those lines. Drop hints, or ... say it outright. He probably doesn't realize it's something that you need.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

If you ask for one thing while wanting another, and are disappointed when your s/o is not a mind reader, you have no one to blame but you.

Talk to him and communicate clearly. It may not get you what you want the magical psychic "sexy" way where he just magically KNOWS, MAN!!! It's like he KNOWS ME and what I REALLY WANT/how I really am/whateverbullshit.


As far as your actual question goes, sometimes when I think about it I want the ridiculous super-lovey romance novel sex...but then I remember how boring that is and how good a nice pounding feels so fuck that! Although I do usually regret the latter once the endorphins drift away and my muscles/joints start to scream at me for letting them get abused... Anyway, it's mostly a desire based out of lonliness and/or a desire for intimacy, but I can get that with a good snuggle pre/post sex, or with less aggressive (But far from "lovey") sex. There are plenty of means for achieving a fulfilling connection with one's partner.

 

[Noor]

Darn, I wish men could read my mind or even listen and believe what I actually say, but they can't and often don't.

If you don't tell him it is very unlikely he will guess correctly.

I am very literal so it would never even occur to me to tell someone to hurt me when I wanted them not to.

I don't read romance novels so I have no idea how whacked out characters are in there. I imagine the zipless fuck... Which has happened a few times in 3 decades of sex, but I never expect it to.

As for holding during sex, if I ask a guy to hold me, I usually mean in place because I need to be grounded, a cuddly or snuggle would be what I would ask for otherwise.

All you can do is tell him what you'd like and what you need. Show him this thread if need be.

 

[submissive_fire]

Anyway, I feel like I wouldn't really know what to do with myself in a "softer" kind of situation. When we try it I feel confused, so I don't really ask for it much anymore. I just wonder what it would be like in an ideal world where I would know what to do and be able to relax.

For me, being intimate and "softer" is much harder than having my butt beat. It requires me to open myself up, to be vulnerable ... which I don't necessary enjoy. So, because of this, I don't really know what to do either. I'm not sure how to react, it makes me uncomfortable, but practice makes perfect. At some point, you have to trust the one who "hurts" you, to take care of all of you. You should be able to have open communication and be able to express your wants along with your doubts about them.

Also, when it feels like he is holding you in place, are you relaxing into him or are you stiff because you don't know what to do either. Are you soft with him? Do you caress him? Do you let your softer side show? Perhaps when you become soft with him, he will become soft with you. (if that makes sense and is just a thought)

 

[Stella_Omega]

Being soft is one thing, being intimate is totally another. Yes, they can go together. No, they don't have to. and again, soft and hard can both happen mixed together, no love-making session has to be only one or the other.

Also, when it feels like he is holding you in place, are you relaxing into him or are you stiff because you don't know what to do either.

This is a strong possibility.

 

[njlauren]

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse. I want him to hold me to his chest and kiss the top of my head and say that today there will be no pain. I want to make love, slowly like in the romance movies. I want our bodies close, I want sweet whispered words, soft kisses, hands everywhere.

Do you ever want this? Is this part of your life? Or is it there always pain?

To be honest, assuming we are talking a romantic couple into BD/SM rather then someone with exclusively a bd/sm relationship that is all about the scene stuff/play/whatever you want to call it, I would wonder about a relationship that didn't have the elements you are looking for, unless the relationship is based totally on pain scenarios, I would find it hard to envision a dominant or a submissive who wouldn't want/need those things, that even though a d/s is 24/7/365, that both of them don't need 'down time' where it is about them being a couple and expressing love/cuddling and so forth....being 'on' so to speak to me would burn out any relationship.....if a couple is expressing love (sex, cuddling, kissing) it doesn't mean the d/s isn't there or the dynamics, it is just being played out differently