Say no

[HottieMama]

For me, being intimate and "softer" is much harder than having my butt beat. It requires me to open myself up, to be vulnerable ... which I don't necessary enjoy. So, because of this, I don't really know what to do either. I'm not sure how to react, it makes me uncomfortable, but practice makes perfect. At some point, you have to trust the one who "hurts" you, to take care of all of you. You should be able to have open communication and be able to express your wants along with your doubts about them.

Also, when it feels like he is holding you in place, are you relaxing into him or are you stiff because you don't know what to do either. Are you soft with him? Do you caress him? Do you let your softer side show? Perhaps when you become soft with him, he will become soft with you. (if that makes sense and is just a thought)

I didn't realize how much I was "struggling" with this until today. Like I said earlier, my Domme is a cuddler (Thank god...), but I find myself worrying INTENSELY about "how to properly cuddle her back." I worry I am going to do something wrong and offend her in some way. (Yes, I am seriously bat-shit crazy at times...) The end result is me being stiff, awkward, and rather uncomfortable all around... I know this is something I need to work on because eventually it is going to become an issue for her as well as me...

 

[Stella_Omega]

Awww punkin! Have you told her about this?

 

[desertslave]

I didn't realize how much I was "struggling" with this until today. Like I said earlier, my Domme is a cuddler (Thank god...), but I find myself worrying INTENSELY about "how to properly cuddle her back." I worry I am going to do something wrong and offend her in some way. (Yes, I am seriously bat-shit crazy at times...) The end result is me being stiff, awkward, and rather uncomfortable all around... I know this is something I need to work on because eventually it is going to become an issue for her as well as me...

I felt the same way, at first. I tried a few little "moves" and didn't get corrected, but I always sort of worried about getting in trouble. I finally just came out and asked him. Turns out he's a snuggler, too. But he still teases me when I try to capture his legs with mine when I'm falling asleep.

 

[HottieMama]

Awww punkin! Have you told her about this?

No, not yet... There is a part of me that always wants to "come off," as calm, cool, and collected around her and in this area I am certainly not. I need to talk to her about it though, because I DON"T want her to get the impression that I don't want to "cuddle back," or get her feelings hurt. And honestly, I don't think I would ever get chastised for anything I did to her, within reason... I think it's the vulnerability aspect of it that makes me most uncomfortable...

 

[Evil_Geoff]

Sometimes when I tell him to hurt me I want him to refuse.

Then fuckin' say so.

<rant mode /on>

I am so sick and tired of people playing games. THIS is the kind of crap that people get so programmed to do. It leads to all the I say "yes" when I really mean "no", so when I say "yes" and mean it, my partner doesn't do it and I can't figure out why my partner won't play with me any more... posts.

It doesn't matter who the fuckin' Top is. It doesn't matter who the fuckin' bottom is. It doesn't matter who is a sadist or a masochist or a switch. If you can't openly and honestly communicate your wants and needs with your partner, your relationship isn't healthy.

And people wonder why there are consent violations by the ton in the BDSM world. It's because people don't know how to communicate.

<rant mode /off>

We now return you to your regularly scheduled "Oh you poor dear, I'm know just what that's like..." replies.

 

[Noor]

Then fuckin' say so.

<rant mode /on>

I am so sick and tired of people playing games. THIS is the kind of crap that people get so programmed to do. It leads to all the I say "yes" when I really mean "no", so when I say "yes" and mean it, my partner doesn't do it and I can't figure out why my partner won't play with me any more... posts.

It doesn't matter who the fuckin' Top is. It doesn't matter who the fuckin' bottom is. It doesn't matter who is a sadist or a masochist or a switch. If you can't openly and honestly communicate your wants and needs with your partner, your relationship isn't healthy.

And people wonder why there are consent violations by the ton in the BDSM world. It's because people don't know how to communicate.

<rant mode /off>

We now return you to your regularly scheduled "Oh you poor dear, I'm know just what that's like..." replies.

I agree people need to communicate.

However there is a real concern that if you actually communicate your concerns/needs you will be rejected for them. It has happened to me, and you never know what will happen. I suspect its because so few people are real that when you are, its suspect. I will always honestly communicate but its hard sometimes.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I agree people need to communicate.

However there is a real concern that if you actually communicate your concerns/needs you will be rejected for them. It has happened to me, and you never know what will happen. I suspect its because so few people are real that when you are, its suspect. I will always honestly communicate but its hard sometimes.

Agreed.

I walked out after too many failed tries. And you know how fucking stubborn I am.

Also,Geoff, I can tell you didn't read a single reply in the thread. Ten or more posts in a row saying "Did you tell him?" doesn't make much "poor dear."

if you want people to communicate, you have to listen-- just in case they already are communicating.