How do you grieve for a Sir?

[Kadnil]

Hi, I'm new here. Or at least I've been a member for a while, but haven't posted.

Forgive me if I'm posting in the wrong place.

For some months now, I've been having a long distance D/s relationship with my Sir. He took me places and exposed me to things I'd never given any thought to. He was on my mind constantly and we talked via email almost every day.

I found out this morning that over the weekend he made the awful decision of taking his own life.

I can't even begin how to imagine dealing with this. I can't talk to anyone else who knew him. He was very open about who and what he was. I am not. I was hoping some of you here might be able to lend an ear and offer some kind of understanding. I apologise that this is how I introduce myself to you all, but I don't know where else to turn.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

 

[VirtualMoi]

Sad story.

 

[Kadnil]

Thank you, Stella_Omega


VirtualMoi, it happened. I'm sure. I'm in touch with other people who knew him. They are just unaware of that aspect of our relationship. And to be quite honest, that's not the kind of support I'm looking for. Thank you anyway.

 

[satindesire]

BDSM relationships aren't much different than regular relationships, except for the power exchange and negotiation. Really, you grieve for a Dom/Top/Master the same way you'd grieve for a lover/boyfriend/husband.

Being part of a BDSM relationship does not remove you from humanity or the normal mores of mourning, grief or loss.

And I am very sorry for your loss. I hope in time the blow will lessen in strength and your heart heals.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

Grieve how you feel best. There's no one who has the right to determine how you grapple with your loss (within limits of course don't go on murderous rampages!) Your relationship with your PYL was a relationship with another human being...you shouldn't treat it as anything different.

I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how I'd cope if my s.o. died I hope you come through this alright!

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I am so sorry.

Please take care.

 

[TarevaChine]

Please accept my deepest sympathy on your loss. The loss of someone you care about is never easy.

Even if you can't talk to people about the relationship you had with him, you still need to talk about what you are feeling. This is especially important when someone you care about takes their own life.

So take the time you need to grieve and do what you think is best for you to get through this difficult time.

 

[GrimsPet]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. I went through a similar situation many years ago.

Many long years ago when I was in graduate school I was seeing someone through the internet that lived in Minneapolis MN. We talked almost daily, had discussed even finally getting a chance to meet each other. He was always on time for our meetings, if he said he'd be around at 5:30PM, he was. Well he told me one day that last semester of grad school that he would see me the next night online around 5:30PM. I logged in at 5:25. He didn't show up. It was very odd. I sent him an email to let him know I had been around and hoped he was alright. No response was forthcoming. Over the course of the next month I sent him several emails asking him if he was alright and the whole time my sixth sense started really tingling that something was amiss. On a hunch I typed his name into Google. I found his Obituary. He had died in a Car accident. No one on his end knew I had existed, so no one had any inkling to contact me. I think the shock of this incident coming at a time where I was already under a huge amount of stress was what drove me into a relationship with a guy who ended up being one of the worst men I have ever dated.

My advice is this:
-Grieve him like you would anyone else you love.
-Don't make the mistake I did and jump into another relationship right away. Allow yourself some time to heal.
-Get together with your common friends and celebrate his life, and remember him, it will help you heal.
-Don't be afraid to talk it over with a counselor or even with us here on Lit. We all care.

Hang in there. *hugs*

 

[rekane]

I also am so sorry for your loss.

I am familiar with grieving someone who died by suicide, and I know it is difficult to wrap your brain around.
Plus you have the added secrecy of your relationship dynamic which you cannot share with anyone.
Your burden is a big one, I'm sure. My heart goes out to you.

GrimsPet said it best: Grieve him like you would anyone else you love.
I also think her advice to talk to people here on Lit is good.
Many of us here have suffered loss and also understand the unique bond you shared with your Sir.

You are in my thoughts.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Babyslave]

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. This touches me deeply, very close to home. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Find support, please somehow, from someone. Even if they don't know what he was to you, you need to be able to talk and cry and lean on others. PLEASE, please promise that you'll try to find someone to talk with. And, please keep in touch with us here. Post, and rant and purge yourself of what's swirling around in your head. The scary, the sad, all of it. You're not alone, okay?

bsv

 

[DVS]

First, Kadnil, I offer my deepest condolences for your loss. I know this isn't easy to understand. The shock probably hasn't worn off, just yet.

I had a similar situation happen to me, not long ago. I had an online relationship that I thought was building, with the hopes it would blossom into something else. I work nights, so it's difficult to find time to get together with someone who has a normal life, and so emails and other messages were our connection. She didn't commit suicide. Her heart failed her. I didn't find out until almost two weeks after it happened, because nobody knew to tell me. We just shared a personal connection that nobody else knew about.

On line relationships have brought on this kind of situation. While it might have been possible before the Internet, it is much more so now that it's intertwined in our daily lives. Long distance relationships can bring together people who wouldn't normally have that chance. Two souls can be connected emotionally via the Internet as much as a couple who met face to face. So, the heartache you feel is the same and the loss is real.

Suicide is one of the more troubling losses for someone to grieve. The suddenness of the loss is bad enough...similar to an accident, or maybe from a heart attack. But suicide is different, because we feel it is so unnecessary. The mental troubles of someone we love can be masked from us. It's a skill they have, to show a front to family and friends. And the weight it leaves on those left behind...the unanswered questions of why can run very deep.

The obvious question? We wonder why. Why did they choose to take their own life, without asking someone for help? If they were troubled with life, why didn't they tell someone? It's all so senseless. But the troubled mind is just that...troubled. They aren't thinking rationally. And sometimes their troubles just compound and there seems only one way out.

The really sad part of suicide is that it's a final answer to something that could be treated, if they only asked for help. But again, they are thinking with a troubled mind and unless they can fight off the demons, the pain they feel can overwhelm them into taking what seems like the only way out. At that moment, the pain can just seem like too much.

Those of us who are left behind usually feel guilt along with our sadness, because we didn't see it. We didn't see the signs and we feel we might have missed something. But, we can't allow ourselves to feel that way, because there may not have been any signs. Sure, sometimes there are signs, but many times they are only obvious afterwards. This causes another feeling to arise in those left behind. The feeling of how selfish it was to keep the pain from those who cared and take their life, instead.

And in your case, Kadnil, you had no connection with any of his family, or his friends, so you don't have answers that they may have. You should still grieve your loss just as any other loss, but don't look for answers you'll never find. Just remember that you had your time with him, and you shared moments that meant something to you. You shared something together and nobody can take that from you.

The pain is what you feel now. Anger will probably come after that. There is a process to grieving. In time, you will have the memories of what you shared to keep with you as you move on with your own life. And you will carry those memories with you.

 

[BiBunny]

Jesus Christ, that's awful. I'm so sorry. Doubly sorry that you had to find out that way.

 

[Aurantica]

That's very sad, and I am truly sorry for your loss. I know this may sound crude, but don't be afraid to truly grieve. Cry, write long journal entries, do what you feel you should. What happened was not your fault, it was something you had no control over. And once you feel better, maybe start looking for someone, if only as a playmate. I know how hard it can be to give in like that to someone else, but please try.

 

[Kadnil]

Thank you all for your lovely words of support. You've no idea what they mean to me.

Sir had a troubled life. He fought demons for many years. I, and people who had know him for a lot longer than me, thought he had them under control. He seemed so comfortable with himself, so assured of who and what he was. There was no warning that he was losing the battle.

We're not sure if this was a snap decision or something he had planned. I have an inkling it was a last second choice. There was no note, the method he used was just so un-him. He did something he would never have done in life and that was to put an innocent stranger in an horrific and probably life-changing situation.

Someone mentioned anger. I was utterly furious with him yesterday, inbetween bouts of being utterly devastated. How could he lead me here, where my life was so embroiled with him, where simply putting on a pair of shoes made me think of him, when we had just planned our first meeting, and then walk away from me?

Today I am just sad. Sad that such a wonderful person has gone. Sad that I will never hear that lovely ping of a new email and know that it's from him. Sad in so many ways. Especially, sad that he didn't go to anyone and ask for help. I don't think he wanted help. I think he'd just had enough.

Again, I'm so sorry to lump this on you. You are, after all, complete strangers. But if you don't mind, I''ll keep writing here. It's the only outlet I have for those areas of grief that relate to our relationship. I'll probably not join in other discussions, that's just to raw just now.

 

[ecstaticsub]

You have my deepest condolences. You are living one of my greatest fears. I am so sorry.

I am sure no one will mind if you continue to write here and not contribute to other threads. You do what you need to do to grieve.

Hugs

 

[Kadnil]

Sorry, me again.

I think it has mostly sunk in. I've been talking to common friends for most of the day and we have been rallying round and holding each other up (metaphorically, they're all online). One girl was desparate to understand and it suddenly came to me that there is no understanding. There is only accepting.

I think my intial reaction was to expect myself to be able to extricate my feelings and actions sexually from this immediately. I've come to realise that this will take time. Masturbation without him in my mind, without showing devotion to him and thanks afterwards, is not going to be easy. Nor should I expect to be able to do so any time soon. He may not have been a physical lover, but he was every bit as real.

I'm scared to move forward. I'm scared I won't be able to move forward. But I know that time heals. Eventually, I will be OK.

 

[Babyslave]

This is going to take time. It will get better, you'll have bad days, and better days.

I know that when my Master left me all thoughts and desire of sex vanished. Completely, for months. Even when I wanted to feel something, and thought of playing with myself, my body just shut down. You can't force lust, or desire, even with yourself. Nor should you deny it, should it show up.

Everyone heals and grieves in their own way. Do what feels right, and don't deny yourself the anger, or the tears, the sadness. They're there for a reason and need to be expressed.

I've been thinking about you. Hang in there..as paltry an offering this may be, time does heal. Just not as quickly as one would like.

 

[rekane]

Your grieving will have an ebb and flow, it is a constant process. You will think that you get it, you will have some clarity, only to have a song come on the radio or a phrase pop up that will send you right back to a place of deep loss and sadness.

I don't mean to scare you. I just hope you don't chide yourself for breaking down after you think you have it under control.

You are still in my thoughts.

 

[Babyslave]

Your grieving will have an ebb and flow, it is a constant process. You will think that you get it, you will have some clarity, only to have a song come on the radio or a phrase pop up that will send you right back to a place of deep loss and sadness.

I don't mean to scare you. I just hope you don't chide yourself for breaking down after you think you have it under control.

You are still in my thoughts.

Yes, this. So very true.

 

[subish2009]

You are in my thoughts as well. My most sincere condolences.

As ES said, this is one of my greatest fears as well. Not necessarily suicide in particular, but his passing away and no one knowing to tell me. It's a very real future for me, someday, and the thought is horrifying. I'm sure there are many of us here who can imagine that reality.

But enough about the rest of us. You're the one suffering, and I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I'm glad you're brave enough to talk about it.

 

[Chiara_searches]

I'm glad you're brave enough to talk about it.

I agree: you are showing remarkable courage given the loss you've gone through. Please don't search for answers; there are none to be had. After a best friend's suicide when I was 16, I searched for years for answers. They just don't exist because we can never know, fully, someone else's mind. Remember you've already recognized that you just need to accept it ~ that's far healthier than most people, IMHO.

Grieve, as others have said. You have suffered a loss. Coining a phrase from a friend...you can't help how you feel. Feel it, don't hide it and you'll come through it.

Continue looking out for yourself, just as you've been doing. Time will help; but staying connected to others helps, too.

 

[Kadnil]

Again, thank you all for your kind words.

I have just spent a mad weekend with a lovely friend and her three kids. That certainly kept my mind busy enough to forget for a while. Now I'm back in the quiet of my own home it's all creeping back. I think I've accepted he's gone. My stomach no longer feels hollow when I think of him.

Him mum corrected one of his friends when she said something about him killing himself. "No, his illness took him away from us". Somehow, that makes it easier.

I'm trying to arrange to get down for his funeral. I hope that meeting so many people who loved him will help us all heal a little bit more. It's a logistical nightmare, being at the other end of the country, but I'll do my damndest to be there.

 

[Kadnil]

Sorry to bump this thread up again, I know it's not a pleasant subject.

Sir's funeral is on Tuesday. I've managed to organise going down for it, which is both good and bad. I'm scared about how I'll react. I've been mostly OK for the past week or so, I'm beginning to sleep again and I'm starting to get my appetite back (insomnia and not eating are symptoms/coping mechanisms when I'm stressed). I'm far from 'over it', but I'm beginning to be back on an even keel, on a day-to-day basis at least. So I'm afraid that by going to the funeral I'm going to throw myself back a few steps.

But I know that's inevitable and in the long run going is probably the best thing.

I miss him.

 

[rod43]

Take care and stay strong. Especially on Tuesday. There are many on Lit who will have you in their thoughts.