Serious Discussion: The Mental Health of Dominants

[neci]

they are sick, i tell you. very sick.

does anyone know of a cure?

 

[neci]

on a serious note, i would have posted something snarky in the other thread, but the guy looked like he had an honest question. he was getting good feedback, so i didn't want to hijack it. i just get tired of seeing threads that psychoanalyze the sub in their title, and leave out the other half of the equation. are submissives more likely to admit their shortcomings and talk openly about them? do sadistic dominants lack the ability to shine lights on their own shortcomings? do i need to shut my mouth, before i piss someone off and get beat? honest questions.

 

[midwestyankee]

they are sick, i tell you. very sick.

does anyone know of a cure?

Frequent and predictable blowjobs with morning coffee. The regularity soothes the psyche, helps balance the humours, and is far superior in its restorative powers to bloodletting by leeches.

 

[neci]

Frequent and predictable blowjobs with morning coffee. The regularity soothes the psyche, helps balance the humours, and is far superior in its restorative powers to bloodletting by leeches.

that was easy.

what if the D is female?

does the same apply to submissive males? do they deserve blowjobs every morning as well, in order to protect their mental health?

 

[midwestyankee]

that was easy.

what if the D is female?

does the same apply to submissive males? do they deserve blowjobs every morning as well, in order to protect their mental health?

Haven't you heard: "Head every day keeps the doctor away." I figure that the gender is irrelevant here and the acts of giving and receiving head are therapeutic in and of themselves.

And that, my friends, is the closest I'm going to get to a generalization about how other people roll in this world.

 

[switchbitch]

on a serious note, i would have posted something snarky in the other thread, but the guy looked like he had an honest question. he was getting good feedback, so i didn't want to hijack it. i just get tired of seeing threads that psychoanalyze the sub in their title, and leave out the other half of the equation. are submissives more likely to admit their shortcomings and talk openly about them? do sadistic dominants lack the ability to shine lights on their own shortcomings? do i need to shut my mouth, before i piss someone off and get beat? honest questions.

Personally I think that most of those people that I have met within the BDSM community, and those that indulge in it privately, perhaps by the very nature of their slightly unusual bent are far more open and aware of their own psychological nature.Perhaps you are correct in that more submissives tend to be a little more verbal about their own shortcomings but that doesn't mean that they are more aware of them.
You don't need to shut your mouth in fact I'd like to say thank you for opening it.

 

[Kojote]

do sadistic dominants lack the ability to shine lights on their own shortcomings?

Ah ... Yes.
I'm not sadistic, but dominant and completely unable to detect any shortcomings in me.
Even the slightest admission of imperfection in me would not only totally destroy my outwardly dominant behavior but also my fragile personality.
And since breakdown isn’t something I’d like to experience at the moment there apparently aren’t any shortcomings inside.
I’m sure you’ll see the logic in this.

do i need to shut my mouth, before i piss someone off and get beat?

And since beating you would imply an admission of shortcomings you are in absolutely no danger from me.
(Damnit! I knew there would be a drawback in this … )


In earnest:
Actually I’d love to discuss some things about Dominants in public as much as I am interested in input about Submissives. But
a) I still feel a lack of confidence and language skills to open a topic and express my questions properly and
b) wouldn’t it be rather ‘undominant’ to discuss those weaknesses in public?
Think of all the Submissives who would learn about our insecurities and totally lose any respect. Not to mention the certain cut into the ability to enact bravado …
(Okay … The latter wasn’t really earnest …)

 

[neci]

the first people i knew who were openly into BDSM were speed freaks who enjoyed drugged out group sex parties. i was invited, but never went. they had very nasty teeth.

wait. i had a friend in high school, who explored the "lifestyle." she was 16. her "D" was late 20's - i think. he liked to lock her up and beat her while supplying her with coke. was she the sick one or was he?

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Clearly it depends upon the pyl, the PYL, and the dynamics of the relationship.

It's been my experience that the more open and honest the communication, the healthier the relationship, and the more willing both participants usually are to work on weaknesses in themselves and in the bond. It's not a given, though.

 

[neci]

Personally I think that most of those people that I have met within the BDSM community, and those that indulge in it privately, perhaps by the very nature of their slightly unusual bent are far more open and aware of their own psychological nature.Perhaps you are correct in that more submissives tend to be a little more verbal about their own shortcomings but that doesn't mean that they are more aware of them.
You don't need to shut your mouth in fact I'd like to say thank you for opening it.

interesting take. so people who participate in BDSM are more self aware? that seems a little biased.

Ah ... Yes.
I'm not sadistic, but dominant and completely unable to detect any shortcomings in me.
Even the slightest admission of imperfection in me would not only totally destroy my outwardly dominant behavior but also my fragile personality.
And since breakdown isn’t something I’d like to experience at the moment there apparently aren’t any shortcomings inside.
I’m sure you’ll see the logic in this.



And since beating you would imply an admission of shortcomings you are in absolutely no danger from me.
(Damnit! I knew there would be a drawback in this … )


In earnest:
Actually I’d love to discuss some things about Dominants in public as much as I am interested in input about Submissives. But
a) I still feel a lack of confidence and language skills to open a topic and express my questions properly and
b) wouldn’t it be rather ‘undominant’ to discuss those weaknesses in public?
Think of all the Submissives who would learn about our insecurities and totally lose any respect. Not to mention the certain cut into the ability to enact bravado …
(Okay … The latter wasn’t really earnest …)

maybe if PYL's talked more about their needs, pyl's would be able to better service them...

Clearly it depends upon the pyl, the PYL, and the dynamics of the relationship.

It's been my experience that the more open and honest the communication, the healthier the relationship, and the more willing both participants usually are to work on weaknesses in themselves and in the bond. It's not a given, though.

what about individual mental health of PYLs outside of relationships?

 

[what_a_racquet]

I am becoming quite concerned as I have some dominant tendencies.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

what about individual mental health of PYLs outside of relationships?

I'm sure there are as many mental health challenges among PYLs as among pyls. I mentioned some in the other thread.

I don't think either party can really change that in the other, beyond talking about it or being there to listen, or recommending counseling or whatever. I don't think, in that, it's really different than in a vanilla relationship. Although any good partner is supportive, it's incumbent among the individuals to be self-aware and deal with their own problems.

 

[switchbitch]

interesting take. so people who participate in BDSM are more self aware? that seems a little biased.


Most definitely biased! Since I'm only going by my own experience and that is all obviously coloured by my own focus. I definitely need to do more research, .and more research and more research, wouldn't you agree?

 

[ImOnIt]

I think everyone who read the other thread told him to put it in perspective. The guy didn't seem unreasonable.

are submissives more likely to admit their shortcomings and talk openly about them?

*pouts and glares at you*

do sadistic dominants lack the ability to shine lights on their own shortcomings?

i would hope not.

do i need to shut my mouth, before i piss someone off and get beat?

thats how the true lifestyle works, right?

 

[KoPilot]

do sadistic dominants lack the ability to shine lights on their own shortcomings?

Lol I'm curious to know if pyls are more likely to be uncomfortable with their PYLs shotcomings than vice versa. And not shortcomings like the PYL can't cook, but real shortcomings/challenges like body image issues or a learning disability or something.

 

[neci]

I am becoming quite concerned as I have some dominant tendencies.

run now, while there is still hope!

I'm sure there are as many mental health challenges among PYLs as among pyls. I mentioned some in the other thread.

I don't think either party can really change that in the other, beyond talking about it or being there to listen, or recommending counseling or whatever. I don't think, in that, it's really different than in a vanilla relationship. Although any good partner is supportive, it's incumbent among the individuals to be self-aware and deal with their own problems.

yep, and may i add, try to not let their imaginations run away with them?

Most definitely biased! Since I'm only going by my own experience and that is all obviously coloured by my own focus. I definitely need to do more research, .and more research and more research, wouldn't you agree?

make sure to wear gloves!

I think everyone who read the other thread told him to put it in perspective. The guy didn't seem unreasonable.

i know. it's all in perspective. my perspective? is there any other?

*pouts and glares at you*

i would hope not.

care to share?

thats how the true lifestyle works, right?

i prefer to call it physical therapy.

 

[ImOnIt]

i know. it's all in perspective. my perspective? is there any other?

Your perspective is the recommended perspective. We adjusted the history books accordingly.

 

[DVS]

they are sick, i tell you. very sick.

does anyone know of a cure?

Speaking as one of the sick ones...who needs a cure?

 

[Chiara_searches]

Everyone, EVERYONE, has issues. None of us are perfect. To assume otherwise is self-delusional. If we approach things assuming we are perfect, we are the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. Cast no stones.

Open, honest communication in any relationship is vital. If you can't be honest about your own short-comings, you can't expect your partner, what ever label applies, to identify his or her own short-comings. And it's not limited to open, honest communication about the sexual aspects of your relationship. At least in my play book, it should be about all aspects of your world.

A concrete example: I'm relocating to another city that has absolutely nothing to do with my guy or our relationship; it's something I needed to do for myself completely outside of our relationship. Yet, I'm being open an honest with him about all my concerns related to moving. And you know what? He helps me in ways he probably doesn't even realize just by being supportive and an ear when I need it. I can only hope I give him half as much help when life throws him curve balls.

You do have to have mental health outside your relationship; but if you are having open honest communication with your partner, he or she should actually be helping you find that outside mental health. It's always our own choice to accept or reject that help. I'm lucky enough to have encouragement from him that I joyfully accept his help.

Life happens and it fucking sucks sometimes and the pain lingers on. All of that might be because of external causes, outside your core relationship, but if you can't be honest with your partner about all you are going through, resolution of those kinds of things will be inhibited. Living guardedly ends up hurting you in the end; it also ends up hurting your partner, if they are someone of quality worth having in your life. But if you live guardedly and never are your true self, you harm yourself every day, killing off a small part of yourself. I lived that way for over a decade. I don't recommend it to my worst enemy. And at least for me, the way back was to start by recognizing and accepting my own failures, short comings and true nature. To accept and forgive past harms (I'm still working on that). I still have a long way to go, but I think the journey is worth it if it means never living in a dark void again.

 

[neci]

Lol I'm curious to know if pyls are more likely to be uncomfortable with their PYLs shortcomings than vice versa. And not shortcomings like the PYL can't cook, but real shortcomings/challenges like body image issues or a learning disability or something.

are they unable to learn how to cook due to a learning disability or sheer stubbornness?

Your perspective is the recommended perspective. We adjusted the history books accordingly.

which history books are you reading?
i was reading this, but there was no mention of dominants taking responsibility for their actions.

Speaking as one of the sick ones...who needs a cure?

*sniff*
i was just hopin' for some medical kink.

Everyone, EVERYONE, has issues. None of us are perfect. To assume otherwise is self-delusional. If we approach things assuming we are perfect, we are the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. Cast no stones.

Open, honest communication in any relationship is vital. If you can't be honest about your own short-comings, you can't expect your partner, what ever label applies, to identify his or her own short-comings. And it's not limited to open, honest communication about the sexual aspects of your relationship. At least in my play book, it should be about all aspects of your world.

A concrete example: I'm relocating to another city that has absolutely nothing to do with my guy or our relationship; it's something I needed to do for myself completely outside of our relationship. Yet, I'm being open an honest with him about all my concerns related to moving. And you know what? He helps me in ways he probably doesn't even realize just by being supportive and an ear when I need it. I can only hope I give him half as much help when life throws him curve balls.

You do have to have mental health outside your relationship; but if you are having open honest communication with your partner, he or she should actually be helping you find that outside mental health. It's always our own choice to accept or reject that help. I'm lucky enough to have encouragement from him that I joyfully accept his help.

what if i want to be perfect? and be a princess? and have a crown? and get my ass beat? and have someone else do the dishes? and be happy and real and in touch with what's going on around me?

all this talk about open and honest communication makes me want to go gag.

on cock.

no talk.

just cock.

okay. sorry. i'm back. yes. open and honest communication. and dishes. all must be done in order to survive peacefully. fuck.

Life happens and it fucking sucks sometimes and the pain lingers on. All of that might be because of external causes, outside your core relationship, but if you can't be honest with your partner about all you are going through, resolution of those kinds of things will be inhibited. Living guardedly ends up hurting you in the end; it also ends up hurting your partner, if they are someone of quality worth having in your life. But if you live guardedly and never are your true self, you harm yourself every day, killing off a small part of yourself. I lived that way for over a decade. I don't recommend it to my worst enemy. And at least for me, the way back was to start by recognizing and accepting my own failures, short comings and true nature. To accept and forgive past harms (I'm still working on that). I still have a long way to go, but I think the journey is worth it if it means never living in a dark void again.

sometimes, i think i live very guardedly, and i need the physical and emotional exhaustion that BDSM gives me in order to have that wall torn down.

living in the dark void. i feel like i'm coming out of a dark void. i needed it at the time. i needed the space and the quiet that was there.

 

[rekane]

Everyone, EVERYONE, has issues. None of us are perfect. To assume otherwise is self-delusional. If we approach things assuming we are perfect, we are the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. Cast no stones.

Open, honest communication in any relationship is vital. If you can't be honest about your own short-comings, you can't expect your partner, what ever label applies, to identify his or her own short-comings. And it's not limited to open, honest communication about the sexual aspects of your relationship. At least in my play book, it should be about all aspects of your world.

A concrete example: I'm relocating to another city that has absolutely nothing to do with my guy or our relationship; it's something I needed to do for myself completely outside of our relationship. Yet, I'm being open an honest with him about all my concerns related to moving. And you know what? He helps me in ways he probably doesn't even realize just by being supportive and an ear when I need it. I can only hope I give him half as much help when life throws him curve balls.

You do have to have mental health outside your relationship; but if you are having open honest communication with your partner, he or she should actually be helping you find that outside mental health. It's always our own choice to accept or reject that help. I'm lucky enough to have encouragement from him that I joyfully accept his help.

Life happens and it fucking sucks sometimes and the pain lingers on. All of that might be because of external causes, outside your core relationship, but if you can't be honest with your partner about all you are going through, resolution of those kinds of things will be inhibited. Living guardedly ends up hurting you in the end; it also ends up hurting your partner, if they are someone of quality worth having in your life. But if you live guardedly and never are your true self, you harm yourself every day, killing off a small part of yourself. I lived that way for over a decade. I don't recommend it to my worst enemy. And at least for me, the way back was to start by recognizing and accepting my own failures, short comings and true nature. To accept and forgive past harms (I'm still working on that). I still have a long way to go, but I think the journey is worth it if it means never living in a dark void again.

BIG. FUCKING. DITTO.
At this point I would normally ramble on, but I will curb my natural tendency.
Chiara...so much love for you.

 

[KoPilot]

are they unable to learn how to cook due to a learning disability or sheer stubbornness?

Heh, I'm talking about the more typical "I don't know how to cook because I get easily frustrated in the kitchen/I've never tried/that's a woman's job; I'm also perfectly happy eating TV dinners anyways."

 

[Netzach]

I love to cook. It's dishes I won't do.

Also I wear my insecurities on my sleeve. It's the new black.

Aren't most people dysfunctional anyway? And there's nothing as scary to me as someone who claims to be completely healed functional and fine.

 

[BiBunny]

I love to cook. It's dishes I won't do.

Also I wear my insecurities on my sleeve. It's the new black.

Aren't most people dysfunctional anyway? And there's nothing as scary to me as someone who claims to be completely healed functional and fine.

I know that's right.

 

[JamieJ424]

I couldn't have said this any better. I have never communicated as openly abut everything I feel as I do right now, and I'm clearer and healthier than I can ever remember being.

Everyone, EVERYONE, has issues. None of us are perfect. To assume otherwise is self-delusional. If we approach things assuming we are perfect, we are the proverbial pot calling the kettle black. Cast no stones.

Open, honest communication in any relationship is vital. If you can't be honest about your own short-comings, you can't expect your partner, what ever label applies, to identify his or her own short-comings. And it's not limited to open, honest communication about the sexual aspects of your relationship. At least in my play book, it should be about all aspects of your world.

A concrete example: I'm relocating to another city that has absolutely nothing to do with my guy or our relationship; it's something I needed to do for myself completely outside of our relationship. Yet, I'm being open an honest with him about all my concerns related to moving. And you know what? He helps me in ways he probably doesn't even realize just by being supportive and an ear when I need it. I can only hope I give him half as much help when life throws him curve balls.

You do have to have mental health outside your relationship; but if you are having open honest communication with your partner, he or she should actually be helping you find that outside mental health. It's always our own choice to accept or reject that help. I'm lucky enough to have encouragement from him that I joyfully accept his help.

Life happens and it fucking sucks sometimes and the pain lingers on. All of that might be because of external causes, outside your core relationship, but if you can't be honest with your partner about all you are going through, resolution of those kinds of things will be inhibited. Living guardedly ends up hurting you in the end; it also ends up hurting your partner, if they are someone of quality worth having in your life. But if you live guardedly and never are your true self, you harm yourself every day, killing off a small part of yourself. I lived that way for over a decade. I don't recommend it to my worst enemy. And at least for me, the way back was to start by recognizing and accepting my own failures, short comings and true nature. To accept and forgive past harms (I'm still working on that). I still have a long way to go, but I think the journey is worth it if it means never living in a dark void again.