Huck's Hypotheticals: Agree or not - To make a relationship work...

[Huckleman2000]

Okay, hopefully we all agree that "no" to sex means "no". (Although, some might say that it's different if the person saying "no" is a male or female. Regardless...)

However, in order to make a relationship work, do we sometimes have to say "yes" when we sorta don't want to?

Just to make it interesting, I'm going to offer yes/no answers by gender.

 

[sr71plt]

I didn't get past the first paragraph. "No" has its nuances and also, apparently, has gender differences.

I get into this wrangle with a reader occasionally.

In the GM world, a verbalized "No" is part of a classic sex act scenario. Many men want it, but they want to assuage the guilt of doing it with another man or they feel at least a little emasculated by being the bottom, so they want to play the game of having it taken away from them. (It's the foundation for male bondage) And, on the flip side, many of the takers in this scenario get greater arousal from taking it in a mutually developed scene that goes from nonconsensual (on the surface) to their partner not being able to get enough of it. Makes the taker feel extra powerful and sexy. Takes guilt away from the taken while giving him what he really wanted--and the greater arousal from his dominant partner is a plus to him because he believes he has brought that out of the dominant partner (so he is powerful too).

So, maybe "No" isn't any part of a classic game in a hetero encounter (but I'll be it is), but it most certainly is part of a classic game in a GM encounter. It's a classic GM scenario where "No" is part of the arousal--for both.

The true "No" in most GM encounters is a "get up and walk away"--or a quick progression beyond the verbal to the physical if it's a forced situation. By the time they are in the clinches, both parties are going to want an ejaculation out of it, and they are well beyond a verbal "no" meaning anything negative to either one of them.

 

[Huckleman2000]

Okay, I guess I should've said "no or a safeword..."
At the least, with this crowd.

 

[harding]

Of course

Of course you say yes.

If you are in a relationship and the other partner is so horny they just have to have sex but you're not the the mood.

Being in a relationship means being in love (probably, hopefully). So you want to please your partner, male or female, so there are going to be times you say yes to something you're not in the mood for. Dinner. A movie - A chick flick or a war movie. A day out shopping. A cuddle on a cold night. Sex. Of course you're going to say yes, because that's what a relationship is about; not just what you want.

 

[cloudy]

I didn't answer the poll because my answer would have to be something along the lines of "sort of."

Sure, I've said "yes" when I really wasn't feeling it - compromise is a necessary evil at times - but even when I start out not in the mood, at some point it changes, and I'm just as into it as he is (and vice versa, I'm sure).

 

[Stella_Omega]

I've said yes when I wasn't in the mood. I've made dinner when I didn't want to, I've driven people to appointments when I had headaches, given gifts under duress too...

So has Mr. Omega, to all of those things...

To me, sex isn't all... sacred and shit. it's one of the most bestest things to do, and it's also part of a marital activity log.

 

[missNovember]

I disagree. In a relationship you can't say "yes" to sex you don't want, because then your partner won't know when/where.. how? you want sex and will probably end-up confused. You'll force yourself to say "yes" part of the time then won't be able to say "yes" the other half and turn them down; it seems like needless rejection.

Communication is key right? If you want it in the evening for example, then say so. If you don't want in the car after a night out, say so. Tell them why. Assure them they still do it for you. Go down on them later.

I guess it also depends on why you're not getting into the mood. If its because you're too busy reading an internet blog, or watching tv, or doing something that can be put on hold? Then I would suggest giving your partner a chance to turn you on, and not just shutting them down outright.

Just my two cents.

 

[missNovember]

I didn't get past the first paragraph. "No" has its nuances and also, apparently, has gender differences.

I get into this wrangle with a reader occasionally.

In the GM world, a verbalized "No" is part of a classic sex act scenario. Many men want it, but they want to assuage the guilt of doing it with another man or they feel at least a little emasculated by being the bottom, so they want to play the game of having it taken away from them. (It's the foundation for male bondage) And, on the flip side, many of the takers in this scenario get greater arousal from taking it in a mutually developed scene that goes from nonconsensual (on the surface) to their partner not being able to get enough of it. Makes the taker feel extra powerful and sexy. Takes guilt away from the taken while giving him what he really wanted--and the greater arousal from his dominant partner is a plus to him because he believes he has brought that out of the dominant partner (so he is powerful too).

So, maybe "No" isn't any part of a classic game in a hetero encounter (but I'll be it is), but it most certainly is part of a classic game in a GM encounter. It's a classic GM scenario where "No" is part of the arousal--for both.

The true "No" in most GM encounters is a "get up and walk away"--or a quick progression beyond the verbal to the physical if it's a forced situation. By the time they are in the clinches, both parties are going to want an ejaculation out of it, and they are well beyond a verbal "no" meaning anything negative to either one of them.

This is really interesting. Nice to hear about the usage of "no" outside of the context I'm familiar with (female). Thanks for sharing!

 

[sr71plt]

Well, I've never said no to my wife. She's known when not to suggest it, though.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I've said yes when I wasn't in the mood. I've made dinner when I didn't want to, I've driven people to appointments when I had headaches, given gifts under duress too...

So has Mr. Omega, to all of those things...

To me, sex isn't all... sacred and shit. it's one of the most bestest things to do, and it's also part of a marital activity log.

Not to pry, but I'm interested if you find that is an attitude you feel comes from your 'male' energy, or your 'female'? Or don't you look at it in those terms?

To me, that seems like more of a 'male' attitude, and so far the men speaking up seem to accept it as doctrinaire that there are times when either partner needs to take one for the team.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I didn't answer the poll because my answer would have to be something along the lines of "sort of."

Sure, I've said "yes" when I really wasn't feeling it - compromise is a necessary evil at times - but even when I start out not in the mood, at some point it changes, and I'm just as into it as he is (and vice versa, I'm sure).

So, do you start from 'maybe', even if you're not in the mood, or is there sort of a soft 'no' that your partner recognizes?

 

[cloudy]

So, do you start from 'maybe', even if you're not in the mood, or is there sort of a soft 'no' that your partner recognizes?

I don't know....I don't ever really remember actually being dead set against it, you know?

There's been times when I probably would have hurt him if he'd suggested sex, for assorted reasons, but he's either way attuned to my moods, or he's smart as hell.

 

[Huckleman2000]

I don't know....I don't ever really remember actually being dead set against it, you know?

There's been times when I probably would have hurt him if he'd suggested sex, for assorted reasons, but he's either way attuned to my moods, or he's smart as hell.

HA! FWIW, I think there have been times when even I could tell it would be a bad time to initiate sex with you.

 

[Loring2]

Yeah

I've said yes when I wasn't in the mood. I've made dinner when I didn't want to, I've driven people to appointments when I had headaches, given gifts under duress too...

So has Mr. Omega, to all of those things...

To me, sex isn't all... sacred and shit. it's one of the most bestest things to do, and it's also part of a marital activity log.

... and sometimes it's a martial art.

 

[cloudy]

HA! FWIW, I think there have been times when even I could tell it would be a bad time to initiate sex with you.

Yeah, well....I certainly don't have a very subtle personality.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Not to pry, but I'm interested if you find that is an attitude you feel comes from your 'male' energy, or your 'female'? Or don't you look at it in those terms?

To me, that seems like more of a 'male' attitude, and so far the men speaking up seem to accept it as doctrinaire that there are times when either partner needs to take one for the team.

I've been told that's a 'male' thing, yeah.