How do you deal with anger?

[FurryFury]

In cases of anger with people not close to me, I often talk or write it out.

In cases where I feel that our bond and/or my core personality has been betrayed, judged negatively or whatever I do rigid. I don't want to see or be seen by that person. I don't want to smell, hear, watch, or be touched by that person or vice versa.

Unless that person can come to me with better communication that indicates understanding, I'm pretty much just done, fed up, and over it.

I do NOT want to be manipulated by faux or real, martyr-ism, talk of suicide or any shit like that. I expect the other person to take care of their own crap.

That being said, with a husband or child, I know it will blow over and that at the root of all things there is love.

 

[SimonBrooke]

In cases of anger with people not close to me, I often talk or write it out.

In cases where I feel that our bond and/or my core personality has been betrayed, judged negatively or whatever I do rigid. I don't want to see or be seen by that person. I don't want to smell, hear, watch, or be touched by that person or vice versa.

Unless that person can come to me with better communication that indicates understanding, I'm pretty much just done, fed up, and over it.

I do NOT want to be manipulated by faux or real, martyr-ism, talk of suicide or any shit like that. I expect the other person to take care of their own crap.

That being said, with a husband or child, I know it will blow over and that at the root of all things there is love.

One thing I have learned from bitter experience - don't play sadism/masochism games with someone while you're still angry with them. I did that, once. In actual fact, I didn't hurt her any worse than I had done on several previous occasions when we had been playing. But the fact that I hurt her when I actually wanted to hurt her was very corrosive - I hated myself for having been able to do that, and turned off BDSM completely for a number of years.

I am a monster. But I don't like being forced to confront the fact that I'm a monster.

 

[DVS]

This might sound strange, but I just blow it off. I used to hate a lot and I used to be bothered by it. But, as I get older, I know people will be people and I just let it slide off.

Oh, I might get a little angry at some people, because of the stupid things they do, but even with that, I know I can't do anything about that person. And even if I do, another one just as dumb, it not dumber will be along in a few minutes. Life is full of them. They are all around us.

When I was doing security in the downtown streets at night, I saw a lot of people who did their best to make me mad. It was my job to keep my cool. I really felt great, when someone tried to say some sort of trigger word to get me upset and it never worked. It was just part of the job, but there were guards that worked side by side with me and some of them let it get to them. I think some police let it get to them, too.

It takes a certain kind of temper management, I guess. I've always had it. My dad was the same way. My mother would get upset with things she saw on TV...people disrespecting the flag, people rioting and tearing up their own neighborhoods, etc., but my dad would always say "freedom allows them to do that, so let them do it. You might not be that way, but some people just need to vent."

I'm the same way as my mother in some ways. I don't like it when someone disrespects the American flag, but then I think about what my dad would say and I just shake my head. If I said something to that person, just how much of the world would I change? There's another idiot that would do that and maybe more, just around the corner.

EDITED TO ADD:

DAMN IT! I'M MAD!

...oops. sorry.

 

[rosco rathbone]

With the strop.

 

[ownedsubgal]

internalize it, where it serves as another cup added to my big giant bowl of low self-esteem.

 

[BiBunny]

internalize it, where it serves as another cup added to my big giant bowl of low self-esteem.

I do this until it all builds up inside so much that I can't stand it anymore. Then, I just sorta explode on the next person who adds the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or, alternatively, it's the silent treatment when I'm trying not to blow up. It's a problem I'm trying to work on.

 

[chy_girl]

In a way, I've spent more time evaluating and trying to understand what anger is for me in the 9 months I've been under collar than I had in all the years previously. Perhaps that's simply my need to understand the emotions around my submission. I honestly don't know.

I am not (usually) quick to anger and most things I can just brush off. But when someone finally pushes me across that line, they typically end up with a tiger by the tail. What I've learned though, is how to recognize the three different kinds of anger I experience.

The fire hot anger is a lot like a flash bang. It's typically born of some perceived slight and it riles my righteous indignation. I rant and rage; whoop and holler... It's bright and loud and it's over in a moment. The people who know me in real life find it highly amusing, perhaps because my typically... reserved... personality is replaced with a very verbose, strongly opinionated, somewhat confrontational rage that has something to say and, damn it, people are going to hear it if they want to or not. It's very animated and can also be a bit more theatrical that I'm comfortable admitting. But once I have my say it's typically over until I get shoved across the line again. Out of the three types of anger, this is the one I like the most because the energy is so fluid and quick.

The petulant anger is the one I dislike the most. It's not a tantrum like the hot anger. Instead it's very passive-agressive, it wants to go straight toward manipulative, and there's this component of "I'm going to make anyone involved hurt as much as I do while trying to get my own way because I want it." This anger... This is the one that is the most dangerous. This is the one that hurts the people I care about and it hurts me because this is not the kind of person I choose to be. It's oily and slippery and suffocating for anyone involved. I hope I don't ever lose the ability to recognize as it's starting and stop, because it's really not the kind of person I want be.

The third is what I've named my Ice Bitch. When a fundamental part of who I am is threatened, when those I love and have a loyalty are threatened, even when one of my very core values are threatened I harden over. From what people have said, there's an actual physical change in how I hold myself. There's no flexibility, I become ridged, and there is no getting me to move. Someone wants a fight, knowingly or not, and I'll be good god damned if I'm not going to oblige them. When I'm in this kind of anger I'm untouchable, even if I like someone and I'm not angry with them they aren't permitted in my physical space, my mind, or my heart. In this anger my defense is cranked all the way up, one part of my mind is running a mile a minute evaluating the likelihood of every threat and what reaction would be the most feasible and effective. The rest of my mind is crystal clear and focused only on the task of protecting, of eliminating the threat, of demolishing my opponent. The funny thing is though, that the Ice Bitch isn't interested in vengeance. She's not interested in hurting for the sake of making someone hurt - in hurting them because she can. Her goal is retribution. It's an eye for an eye - no more, no less - with the end goal always being protection.

How I deal with it? It depends on the source and why I'm angry. Typically speaking the fiery anger blows over soon enough and my telling people why I'm angry isn't an issue. They typically need to wait till I've stopped yelling to talk to me though, because I don't hear so well in that space0. The petulant anger is the hardest because I literally have to stop and pull back from every one and every thing. Communicating in that spot is like walking through a mine field because I have to be so aware of what the actual intent is behind every word is and where it's coming from.

The Ice Bitch. She goes away on her own. When the threat is gone, when it is blatantly obvious that it's safe, she will simply melt away and allow the walls to come back down. Communicating in this place is very difficult, but it's difficult for the person who's talking to me even if they aren't the one who is the perceived threat. They don't get any of the interpersonal signs that one typically gets in an interaction. I can hear, I can process and evaluate, I will consider what they have to say... but giving them anything in return is paramount to tipping my hand and I will not expose that kind of opening in the armor.

*shrugs*
That's how I'm programmed. It applies to everyone, no mater how much I love or care for them. People can either forgive me my human factor or move on, because I've spent to much of my life not being allowed to be angry. I'll take responsibility for my part, but the other person needs to take responsibility for theirs - otherwise we'll end up right back where we started and it'll only keep getting worse.

 

[sb2009]

internalize and suppress until it surfaces in unproductive ways.

You did ask LOL

 

[ownedsubgal]

I do this until it all builds up inside so much that I can't stand it anymore. Then, I just sorta explode on the next person who adds the straw that breaks the camel's back. Or, alternatively, it's the silent treatment when I'm trying not to blow up. It's a problem I'm trying to work on.

mine generally doesn't come out ever, but if it does it's in the form of SI. really stupid, dangerous stuff. the last time i succumbed to SI there were serious Consequences to pay from the Man, so i don't anymore, and the anger just transforms into self-pity or disgust.

 

[ArchLady03]

Unless action is truly warranted I try my best to let it go. Life's too short to have such negative energy floating around you... unless I can use it to write or create something brilliant

 

[BiBunny]

mine generally doesn't come out ever, but if it does it's in the form of SI. really stupid, dangerous stuff. the last time i succumbed to SI there were serious Consequences to pay from the Man, so i don't anymore, and the anger just transforms into self-pity or disgust.

Sometimes, I think I'd be better off if I'd direct it toward myself instead of the people I love most. I can be really downright mean when I want to be.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I tend to take things in until I explode. I've been working on controlling it. Even though I'm a lot better, I'm nowhere near where I think I should be.

 

[Kikori]

I deal with anger like I deal with depression. I swap out said emotion for feeling emotionless. Thoughts bubble in my head of worst case scenarios, what-I'd-do's, and so on, get pushed away, and my head just gets empty. It's better than either emotion. People who chat with me during this process tend to get worried that I'm feeling the emotion I'm moving away from, since that also means I lose all enthusiasm and care for adding smileys to the ends of my lines, a trait I keep to show I'm in a good mood.
Unfortunately, I'm not able to be helped quickly until it's by other people physically coming and holding onto me or petting my head or something. What actually gets me feeling better, usually... Either concentration that can't end badly, an argument with pretty much anyone, or helping someone.
Concentrating on something? I normally hate driving, mainly because the people in this city have TERRIBLE respect for others on the road. That means when I drive, I can't be assed to think hurtful thoughts. I'm always looking around and forcing myself to watch what others do. Having to keep such track of the road, for example, leaves no room for anger or depression. This applies as well to things like games that require attention or pretty much anything where my mind has to be devoted to it to do well and/or safely.
An argument? By nature, I'm one of the help-everyone kinds of people. Sarcasm excluded, stating something that even has a small chance of upsetting someone is usually very well out the window. When I'm upset? That barrier is removed. Keep in mind, "even a small chance" means I miss out on telling people even just small, honest truths that would actually probably be harmless. So it doesn't have to be an argument per se; it just feels like it to me due to me saying something without that consideration for their happiness.
Helping someone? Again, I'm one of those help-everyone kinds of people. I do NOT know why, but I can never stick with being angry or depressed if someone else needs a hug, a head rub, and a cuddle better. My actions may not be as gentle or relaxing as normal, but it always softens me up to have to help someone up from falling down.

 

[Primalex]

It really depends.

I haven't talked at all with my father for more than a decade - when I was 10.

Funny thing is, I can completely relate to chy_girls description (minus the fire hot anger). I wouldn't say though that I experience the anger this kind, it's more how I choose the anger to be.

 

[Netzach]

Either yoga and transcendence or I pick a stupid fight with lots of yelling.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I used to break dishes. I don't get angry much anymore.
My give-a-fucker has broke down, I got to get to the repair shop.

 

[Ravenwind]

I cry. Not that I'm sad, or feel helpless, or anything, but rather, that I really don't know how to express anger any other way that doesn't involve breaking things or yelling at people.

...and I'm kind of tired of breaking things that really don't deserve to be broken (especially knowing I'll eventually need it again sooner or later), and no one, no matter how vile a person they are, deserves such a punishment as to see me at my worst. ...So, I cry. Keeps me sane, keeps my things intact, and keeps those around me out of the hospital or therapist's office. ^_~

 

[Marquis]

I turn the other cheek 7 times.

The 8th time I tell people what I really think.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I turn the other cheek 7 times.

The 8th time I tell people what I really think.

I'm exactly the same. Gotta love people telling you that you have a really violent temper when the 8th time rolls around, you spew a string of not so nice words, and you make a hole in a wall or two

 

[Marquis]

I'm exactly the same. Gotta love people telling you that you have a really violent temper when the 8th time rolls around, you spew a string of not so nice words, and you make a hole in a wall or two

Ha ha, I know exactly what you're talking about.

I wonder if maybe the best strategy wouldn't be not to wait until the 8th time, and maybe it won't have built up so much.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Ha ha, I know exactly what you're talking about.

I wonder if maybe the best strategy wouldn't be not to wait until the 8th time, and maybe it won't have built up so much.

Lets try it and see what happens.

 

[JMR85]

I tend to kick things...like my sofa and bean bags! I also play sports three times a week - helps with frustration!

 

[NomadLady]

I don't handle

anger very well these days. I did better when I had a Dom and regular sessions with him.
Lately, just a lot of getting frustrated and usually not aimed properly. Luckily the two + hour commute time every day for work give me time to sort things out and think. The weekends really suck though....

 

[Marquis]

Lets try it and see what happens.

Deal.

 

[Mohousewife]

Cry while I clean something. Breaking things get expensive, my fav is generally glass...boy, does it fly. I just have to clean it up. Got pissed at hubby when we 1st got married because he kept moving the glasses so I broke them all. I've done a little growing up since then. I was really pissed on day and a friend "asked who owns your emotions". I do, so when someone is pushing my buttons, aka family...tell them "get their little fat fingers off my buttons..."